Single Woman Seeks Revenge: Another Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “Why don’t you bring over those sausage rolls and another bottle of that bubbly and come and sit next to me,” he purred.

  “Okay,” she giggled, tripping over her own feet in her haste to be near him.

  She put the bottle down on the shelf in front of them and sat down, her heart beating very fast indeed. She couldn’t help but notice the soft hairs on the back of his hands, something he definitely hadn’t had when he was fifteen. He’d been a boy when they were last together it struck her. Just a boy. He was a man now. All man by the looks of it and probably entirely different to how he’d been back then. He’d had time to mature and realise what he really wanted in life. He wasn’t the fickle teenager he used to be. She was still staring at him intently thinking all this through when he took her hand and raised it to his lips, looking deep into her eyes.

  Their eyes locked.

  “Oh Patrick,” she couldn’t help but mummer as he moved forward.

  “I don’t usually move this fast,” he uttered as their lips got closer and closer. “But you are different,” he said and started to kiss her. All thoughts of her mission were instantly wiped by the feel of his lips on hers.

  “Suzie, I need to talk to you NOW,” came an urgent whisper in her ear.

  Suzie pulled away sharply, worried that Patrick would hear Drew through her ear-piece.

  “What?” asked Patrick surprised. “There’s no need to be scared Suzie. It’s just me,” he said gently.

  “Now,” Drew screamed making Suzie jump.

  “I just … I’ve got to go to the ladies,” she gasped. “I’ll be back in a minute. Don’t go anywhere.”

  Suzie stormed down the corridor. What the hell did Drew think he was doing interrupting like that?

  “What the hell are you doing?” said Drew when she entered the room. “Were you kissing him?”

  Suzie looked down at the floor.

  “I can’t believe you are letting him kiss you,” said Drew exasperated.

  “I can’t believe you are shouting down my ear and telling me to stop,” she replied. “I’m a grown woman you know. You can’t do that.”

  “Have you forgotten why we’re here or have you just taken leave of your senses?”

  “No I haven’t forgotten Drew but … but didn’t you hear him? He wanted me back then. He said so. It was just because we were teenagers, that’s why we split up. I got it wrong, don’t you see? And … and he likes me. I can tell. This could be it Drew. He could be the one. I think we need to forget the revenge plan and see where this goes.”

  Drew stared at her. Eventually he put his head in his hands and shook his head before looking up at her again.

  “I did hear him Suzie,” he said gently. “I don’t think he really remembers going out with you. He’s making it all up. He’s coming on to you because he thinks you’re minted because you work in the media and can get him into a box at the football.”

  “No, that’s not true,” she said shocked at Drew’s attitude. “He said he thought he was lucky to go out with me. You heard him. He said he thought all his Christmases had come at once.”

  “Oh Suzie, anyone could say that. Look I’m not trying to ruin this for you honestly; I just don’t want you to get hurt that’s all. I don’t trust this guy. All that stuff about when you went out together as teenagers, he’s making it up.”

  “No he’s not.”

  “Okay,” said Drew looking a little annoyed. “I’ll tell you what. Why don’t you ask him? Ask him about how you got together or how you split up. If you meant that much to him he’ll remember, right?”

  “Of course he’ll remember.”

  “Well if he does, great. I’ll turn off the mike and watch the match in peace. Leave you to it. But if he doesn’t, then I want you to tell me that we are going to go ahead as planned.”

  “Okay,” she agreed sulkily.

  “We’ll have a password so you won’t have to leave the room again.”

  “If we must,” she said with a sigh. Eager to get back to Patrick.

  “Good, so the password is, let’s see … erm what about …”

  “Screw you,” interrupted Suzie. “Because that’s what I’d like to say to you when he remembers everything about our relationship.”

  “Fine,” said Drew. “Screw you it is.”

  “Come and sit down lovely lady,” purred Patrick when she got back to the room. “It’s nearly kick off time. I’ve got to tell you this is the best view I’ve ever had at a match. I’ve been sending all my mates who are sat in the North Stand photos on my phone. They hate me, how good is that?”

  “That’s great,” said Suzie deep in thought as she reached for her champagne.

  “So do you still see much of Martin?” she asked.

  “Martin who?”

  “Martin. Your best pal at school. Martin Holmes.”

  “Oh him, nah. No idea what happened to him actually. Lost touch after school. You know how it is. He was a bit of a tosser actually. Glad to get rid of him.”

  “Right,” she said nodding. She paused to consider what to say next. “I still feel bad about the way we split up you know,” she said as casually as possible.”

  Patrick looked at her quizzically. She looked back expectantly.

  “Oh Suzie I had no idea,” he said taking her hand and stroking it. “You really don’t have to feel bad anymore. I know how it is. Teenage girls are picky. One minute you’re in, the next you’re not. I only cried for a week I promise.”

  Suzie stared back speechless. He actually thought that she’d dumped him.

  “Tell you what?” he continued. “Consider this your apology. I’ll forget the fact that you heartlessly dumped me when I was a poor defenceless boy if you can keep getting me into gigs like this. How about that? Would that make you feel better?” He glanced down at his watch then looked out of the window.

  “Come on you Blues,” he screamed at the top of his voice, leaping up to cheer his team onto the pitch.

  Suzie’s heart was beating fast again but not through joy. Not even through disappointment. Due to the realization that yet again, having promised herself faithfully she would not let it happen, she had teetered on the edge of hope. For a moment she had thought she was looking at her happily ever after but he was just a fraud, feeding her whatever lines he thought necessary to get what he wanted. She was an idiot. A fool.

  She bit her lip before muttering “Screw you Patrick Connolly. Screw you.”

  Chapter 10

  Drew sat back and heaved a huge sigh of relief. What was it with this girl? She must have something missing in her brain he decided. To be this stupid when it came to men. Actually it wasn’t her, he remembered. It was the love thing that made her stupid. Thank goodness he’d finally come to his senses and decided to dismiss his sudden angst over love. He’d weighed it all up carefully and just couldn’t find any evidence to show that love was the essential ingredient to ensure a long and happy marriage. Most divorced couples had declared they were passionately in love when they got married and what good did that do them? He was best just to forget about it. Focus on the fact that there were a million logical reasons to marry Emily even if he wasn’t absolutely certain that love was one of them. Compatibility, shared interests, similar intellectual capacity, shared sense of humour. Good, solid reasons that had seen them through sixteen years. Longer than most couples stay married.

  Throwing himself into helping Suzie with her latest scheme had successfully re-occupied his brain, thus avoiding any further thinking time. The scale of it and his vital role had kept him awake at night but that was a fine reason to be staring at the ceiling at 3am in the morning. Much better than his previous topic of internal debate during the small hours.

  He picked up his mobile phone to make the call that would put the next stage of the plan into place. Now that he had met Patrick, if indeed only via Suzie’s wire, his initial nervousness about what they were about to do to a fellow fan had disappeared. Having called his m
ate in the announcers’ box he sat back to enjoy the football.

  As the last few minutes of the first half arrived Drew tuned back in to see what was going on with Suzie and Patrick. There was absolute silence other than the occasional comment on the football from Patrick. Suzie must be bored stiff thought Drew. Then he heard several loud bangs and the door open.

  “Sorry to bother you,” he heard his mate Steve the pitch announcer say. “I’m Steve Bromley the half-time compere. My assistant has screwed up on getting a contestant for the half time City’s Biggest Fan Quiz. Anyone interested?

  “Oh yeah,” said Patrick jumping up out of his chair. “I’ve always wanted to do that. I always get more questions right than the losers you normally get up there.”

  “Fantastic. You don’t fancy it do you?” he said turning to Suzie. “I still need someone else.”

  “Okay,” said Suzie.

  “Er Suzie … I don’t think …” started Patrick.

  “No I’ll do it. I’m game. It’ll be fun,” she said.

  “Okay,” said Steve. “Brilliant. We can have boys v girls. Spice it up a bit. I’ll see you both downstairs in the foyer in five.”

  “They ask like really hard questions Suzie. I’ll beat you easily,” said Patrick as soon as Steve had left the room.

  “Patronising bastard,” muttered Drew.

  “I don’t know,” said Suzie. “I’m a pretty big fan you know.”

  Drew heard Patrick laugh a little too hard.

  “If you say so Suze. If you say so. But I’m warning you, no-one beats me when it comes to Man City. Especially not a girl.”

  Drew looked out to the centre of the enormous pitch at Suzie’s tiny figure standing on a podium looking petrified next to Patrick who was busy taking photos with his mobile phone and waving merrily at the enormous crowd.

  “Ladies and Gentlemen,” boomed Steve into his microphone. “It’s boys v girls today in our quest to find Manchester City’s Biggest Fan. Can the girls prove it’s not just a man’s game or will the boys claim their territory?”

  A massive roar went up in the stands and Drew watched as Patrick strutted around the podium, arms held high as if he’d already won.

  “You can do this,” whispered Drew. “You have nothing to worry about. You are playing it exactly right. Let him think he is going to win.”

  “I’m crapping my pants,” came the whispered response from Suzie. “There are like a million people out here all looking at me.”

  “Focus, Suzie, focus,” said Drew. “Five minutes and you’re done. The end is in sight now. I know you can do this.” He didn’t tell her that his stomach was doing somersaults with nerves also.

  “So, can you tell me your name and how long you’ve been a City fan?” said Steve shoving the microphone in Patrick’s face.

  “I’m Patrick and I have followed the Blues since my Dad started bringing me when I was three years old. He’s over there in the North Stand. Hi Dad,” he shrieked before he stepped to the front of the podium shouting at the top of his voice, “I’m City till I die,” waving his arms frantically until the entire stadium took up the chant.

  “I’m City till I die,

  I’m City till I die,

  You know I am,

  I’m sure I am,

  I’m City till I die.”

  The sound was deafening and Drew watched as Suzie stared around her looking even more petrified than she had a few moments ago.

  “And what about you?” Steve asked Suzie after the din had died down.

  “Err, err, I’m Suzie Miller and I’ve been a fan for like ever,” she said before punching the air half-heartedly and muttering a rather feeble, “City forever.”

  Drew cringed in his seat. This had better work or he’d never be able to be seen with Suzie in public again.

  It’s amazing how such a large crowd can make such a noise one minute and be so devastatingly quiet the next.

  “Right, so let’s just go over the rules shall we?” explained Steve. “I will ask you two questions each. Whoever gets the most right wins, however if it’s a draw then we go to a sudden death question. You got it guys?”

  “Bring it on!” Patrick shouted back.

  “Yeah, okay,” breathed Suzie.

  “Okay then, here we go. We’ll start with you Patrick. Your first question is, in which year did City win their first ever league title?”

  “1937,” said Patrick without even pausing to think.

  “Correct,” shouted Steve as Patrick sprang in the air and did a victory lap around the podium. The crowd roared in appreciation.

  “OK then Suzie,” said Steve gently. “This is your question. What did they do the following season that no other club has ever achieved?”

  There was almost silence in the packed stadium as Suzie stared blankly at Steve.

  “Would you like me to repeat the question?” asked Steve.

  Suzie nodded her head in silence and a mocking ripple start to ebb around the crowd.

  “The season after City won their first ever league title, what did they achieve that no other club ever has?”

  Suzie was now staring at Steve desperately.

  “I’m pretty sure they got relegated,” Drew said into the mike. He was feeling sick, maybe this hadn’t been such a good idea. He may have been devoted to City all his life but answering questions under pressure was hard. Even if he wasn’t the one under the spotlight.

  He watched as Suzie leant to talk into the microphone. Drew held his breath.

  “Did they get relegated Steve?” she said, a slight quiver in her voice.

  There was the faint sound of respectful clapping in the crowd before Steve responded.

  “Yes they did,” he roared slapping her on the back. Suzie grinned from ear to ear finally looking like she belonged on the podium. Patrick nonchalantly shrugged his shoulders as if he thought her answer had been a lucky guess.

  “Okay Patrick. Pressure’s on now. Can you keep it up for the lads?” asked Steve.

  “I can keep it up for anyone,” he replied with a wink.

  “Right then, your second question. “Who did City beat to win their only European trophy, the Cup Winners’ Cup?”

  “Gornik Zabrze from Poland,” he replied instantly again before jumping up and down in victory even before Steve had confirmed it was the right answer.

  “Well done Patrick. The right answer. Now Suzie you need to get this question right to stay in the game. In which city did Manchester City win the Cup Winners’ Cup?”

  “Vienna,” said Drew down the mike. Thank God for that. They might just pull this off.

  He looked down at Suzie who was stood frozen on the podium not saying anything.

  “Vienna,” he repeated. “Vienna.”

  Suzie was looking desperately up at the stand where he was sitting.

  “What the fuck’s she doing,” he said jumping up in frustration. The wire attached to his headset sprang to life dancing merrily around him. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he cried as he realised he’d become disconnected and she couldn’t hear him. He jammed the connector back into its socket and screamed, “VIENNA,” just as Steve was asking her for the final time.

  “Poland,” he heard Suzie desperately sputter out the split second before he was reconnected.

  “NOOOOOO VIENNA,” he screamed as Suzie’s hand flew to her left ear, a shocked look on her face.

  He watched through his fingers as Suzie laughed hysterically and punched Steve playfully on the shoulder.

  “Just kidding Steve. Of course the city where they beat them waaaaas Vienna,” she said with a triumphant wave of her arm.

  “That’s not fair,” Patrick declared. She heard them shouting from the crowd.”

  “Now, come on Patrick, I’m sure Suzie didn’t hear anything did you?”

  “No of course not,” said Suzie.

  “Yeah right,” retorted Patrick. “Can you just tell them to stop shouting out the answers,” he continued, waving a der
isory hand in the direction of the North Stand.

  Suddenly the sound of booing echoed around the ground. They’re turning against the cocky git thought Drew. Perfect.

  “Now let’s be sportsmanlike shall we,” said Steve. “Or can’t you take being beaten by a girl?” A wicked grin appeared on his face. Patrick stared stonily back at Steve as the booing subsided into gentle laughter.

  “So now its sudden death,” said Steve. “I’m going to ask you both the same question and the one who gets closest to the right answer wins the title, Manchester City’s Biggest Fan. Are you both ready?”

  “Yes,” said Suzie and Patrick in unison.

  “Since records began in the late 1800s how many players have played for Manchester City Football Club?” asked Steve.

  A gasp went up around the crowd. That was a really hard question. Drew thought he might throw up. It was a really, really hard question.

  “So Patrick what’s it going to be?” pressed Steve after giving them a few moments to think it through.

  Patrick had his eyes screwed tight shut in concentration. He opened them before saying “I reckon it’s about eight and a half thousand,” he said.

  “And what do you think Suzie?” asked Steve.

  “I think he’s gone too high,” whispered Drew. “I’ve got a feeling they didn’t play during the war. Just go a bit lower.”

  “Err I think I’m going to go with eight thousand,” said Suzie, the wobble back in her voice.

  Shit thought Drew. Too low. She went too low.

  “Is that your final answer?” asked Steve.

  Suzie nodded silently.

  “Well I can tell you that you are both very close,” said Steve. “Will Suzie bring it home for the ladies or is Patrick going to get beaten by a girl? Let’s have a bit of hush shall we while I reveal the final answer.”