Single Woman Seeks Revenge: Another Very Funny Romantic Novel

by Tracy Bloom

  “No need to elaborate there I think Marion, this is a family show.”

  “Well just because you hit over fifty doesn’t mean that …”

  “We know exactly what you mean Marion. Why don’t you tell us what advice Suzie gave you.”

  “Well it was quite brilliant really. She told me to tell my husband that he had forced me to turn lesbian because he was so boring in bed. It was like a magic spell, truly. I am now having the best, you know what, of my life.”

  “Hi Marion, Suzie here. I remember your letter. So it worked then did it?”

  “Like a treat dear. As you predicted his competitive streak came to the fore when he thought his golf buddies might find out that he’d turned his wife gay. He totally upped his game. Now all I have to do is mention the mere words, Billy Jean King, and he’s laying the passion on with a trowel.”

  “That’s wonderful Marion. I’m so happy for you.”

  “I just wanted to tell everyone what a genius Suzie is and men beware. We’re coming after you.”

  “Well thank you Marion. We’ve been inundated with calls but sadly that’s all we have time for today. So thank you for coming in Suzie. Judging by the calls I’m sure we’ll be seeing a lot more of you in the future.”

  “Look Drew, look. I’m wearing TV make-up and everything,” said Suzie bounding up to Drew’s chair and thrusting her face in front of him on her return from the studio.

  Drew stared at her, feeling even worse than he had the day before.

  “You look awful,” she exclaimed before she was overrun by excitement again. “So did you see me? Was I okay?” she asked spinning round and round on her office chair in glee.

  “See you where?” asked Drew looking almost haunted.

  “On TV you idiot,” she said stopping dead in her tracks. “I was on Granada Reports this morning. Don’t tell me you forgot to watch it?”

  “Oh I’m so sorry Suzie. Really I am. I forgot, I … I …”

  “It’s okay I got my mum, my Auntie Dorothy and Malcolm in the flat upstairs to record it so you can come over tonight and we’ll watch it together.”

  “Great,” said Drew nodding distractedly. “Not tonight though eh, I err …”

  “Need some sleep by the looks of you,” interrupted Suzie. “You pull another all-nighter again or something?”

  “Yeah, something like that,” replied Drew rubbing his eyes.

  Suzie stared at him for a moment. Something was up. Normally Drew would be full of questions about such an event in her life. She’d been so excited to get back and tell him all about it because she knew he’d want every detail, and here he was looking completely uninterested.

  “You okay?” she asked as she watched him rest his chin in his hand and stare blankly at his email. He sniffed a couple of times then slowly turned to face her. He looked so weird. His face was all screwed up and completely devoid of colour and as he lifted his hand up to rake it through his hair she noticed a slight tremble. She had never seen Drew like this. He was the cool, calm collected one and she was the gibbering wreck. That was why they got on so well she was sure. They were like ying and yang. She did all the screwing up and he sorted her out. She never had to sort him out. She didn’t know how to sort him out. At a loss as to what to do she reached forward and took his hand. She leapt in surprise as he clutched it hard then marvelled at how big and safe it felt. She stared down at the unfamiliar sight of their fingers intertwined until the loud trill of her phone interrupted the prolonged silence.

  “I’ll just get rid of that,” she said using her free hand to pick up the phone.

  “Hi, Suzie Miller,” she said tersely.

  “Hello, this is Bruce Whitaker from the Mirror, are you okay to talk? I have a proposition you may be interested in,” said the man on the end of the phone.

  His words ran through Suzie’s mind at a furious pace. A national newspaper calling a journalist with a proposition normally meant only one thing. A job. His clandestine tone added further encouragement. She looked at Drew who was staring blankly at their clasped hands. She gave him a squeeze in a way she hoped approximated a wordless apology for keeping him waiting.

  “Err, yeah, I can talk,” she said.

  “Good. Now I won’t beat about the bush. We’ve been following your column for some weeks now and are extremely impressed with the attention you’ve been getting not to mention the reaction from Joe public. I caught you on Granada Reports this morning and women just love you.”

  “Thank you,” croaked Suzie.

  “Anyway, our female readership has been sliding dramatically and we’ve been looking for a solution for some time. We think you’re it. How do you fancy coming and doing your column for us? Full page, first half of the paper, it’s yours. What do you say?”

  Suzie almost dropped the phone in shock. A national offering her a full page. Never in her wildest dreams did she think that would happen. Even Kate Adie never got a full page. She would be so proud.

  “I don’t know what to say,” she choked trying to fight back the tears.

  “I know. A lot to take in probably. At least you won’t have to ask a boyfriend if it’s okay to move down to London. You must be single I assume,” guffawed the executive.

  She giggled slightly hysterically before managing to gather her wits.

  “Well there are things to consider other than my relationship status,” she managed to say. “But I do have to confess that I always dreamed of having a column in the Sun.”

  There was a short silence before the man spoke again. “The Mirror,” he said grimly. “I’m calling from the Mirror.”

  Suzie froze in horror. Shit she thought, I may have just thrown away the job of a lifetime.

  She laughed hysterically. “Just my little joke,” she giggled. “I can see you’re going to have to get used to my quirky sense of humour.” She held her breath as she waited for his response. There was an awkward silence before the man spoke.

  “Very funny,” he said completely deadpan. “I have another call. We should meet for lunch and discuss this further. My PA will call you later with details.

  “Yes, yes, of course,” said Suzie. “Thank you so much,”

  There was no reply. He had already cut her off.

  She put down her receiver slowly and tried to slow her heart rate down.

  She turned to Drew who was looking at her intently.

  “That was the Mirror,” she whispered. “They’ve offered me a job. Full-page column.”

  He looked blank as if he couldn’t take in what she was saying.

  “They want me to do Dear Suzie in the Mirror,” she spelt out.

  “Wow,” said Drew reeling back in his chair as if she had just hit him.

  “Oh God Drew I’m sorry,” she said realising this wasn’t the time. “What were you going to tell me? What’s happened?”

  Drew said nothing just stared at her manically his hands clutching his head.

  “You can tell me really you can?” she said putting her hand on his shoulder. He flinched and pulled away. She stared at his pain-filled face but for the second time that morning he was prevented from saying anything as the doors to the floor burst open and the air was filled with the sound of pulsating music.

  “What the …” began Suzie as they both turned to see what the commotion was all about.

  A lifetime of watching Jerry Springer could not have equipped either of them for the sight that greeted their eyes. Suzie heard Drew gasp as he knocked his coffee into his lap.

  A woman stood dramatically in the doorway looking wildly around the open-plan office until her eyes rested on Drew. Then Emily reached behind her to gather up a voluptuous ivory satin train and advanced towards him wearing her complete wedding outfit, including tiara and veil. On her left shoulder she carried a full-on eighties-style ghetto blaster that was banging out the classic Billy Idol track, Nice Day for a White Wedding.

  Suzie managed to drag her eyes away from the vision approaching them
just long enough to take in the fact that Drew was white as a sheet.

  “Doesn’t she know that it’s bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the big day,” she hissed to him just as Emily reached his desk. Drew said nothing just sat shaking in his seat. By now quite a crowd was gathering at the outskirts of the room, the word having travelled round the office in a flash that there was a mad woman on the loose wearing a wedding dress.

  Emily slammed the ghetto blaster down on Drew’s desk and killed the sound. There was complete silence in the entire office. The assembled crowd poised waiting for the spectacle to evolve.

  “I know it’s bad luck for the groom to see the bride in her dress before their wedding day,” announced Emily to a trembling Drew.

  “That’s exactly what I just said,” muttered Suzie. Emily glared at her before continuing.

  “But I figured that seeing as there isn’t going to be a wedding then it didn’t matter.” She locked Drew in a deadly gaze.

  There was a gasp from the entire room followed by low-level muttering. As that died down, all that could be heard was Drew’s laboured breathing under Emily’s heavy glare.

  “How do I look?” she demanded.

  “Beautiful,” he said quickly before swallowing hard.

  “I wanted you to be able to see me as you would have done on our special day. So the image of me in my wedding dress could haunt you for the rest of your life,” she spat out.

  “I’m so sorry,” uttered Drew looking as though he was about to throw up. “I’m so, so sorry I’ve put you in this situation. But I was trying to do the right thing. I was trying to be honest with you. You have to believe that Emily.” He looked over to Suzie. She stared back at him horrified.

  “Well,” said Emily tossing her hair confidently over her shoulder. “You didn’t expect me to just walk away quietly did you? You don’t throw away all those years we spent together and not expect me to have something to say about it. This Drew, is me showing you, that you have just made the biggest mistake of your life.”

  “I’m sorry. I never meant to drive you to this,” whimpered Drew.

  “Well you can blame her for that,” she said turning and extending a perfectly manicured fingernail in Suzie’s direction.

  “What?” exclaimed Suzie emerging quickly from her awestruck gaze. “I haven’t done anything.” She looked at Drew distraught. He was rocking backwards and forwards in his seat glancing like a frightened rabbit between Suzie and Emily.

  “She … she …” His voice sounded strangled.

  “She is so right,” said Emily slamming her fist on the table. “What you said this morning on the TV,” she continued pointing wildly again at Suzie. “That bit about the fact that we complain about men when they hurt us but we never punish them so how do we expect them to learn. This is me punishing you Drew for dumping me well and truly at the altar, and I hope you never ever forget how you feel at this moment,” she declared ripping off her veil and tiara and throwing them at Drew.

  Suzie was beside herself. What had Drew done? This was so out of character. How could he have done this to Emily? It didn’t make any sense.

  Emily bent to pick up her ghetto blaster and flicked the switch back on to blare out the last few bars of the song. Then she turned and stalked back out of the room, past the awestruck crowd without giving Drew, who was still shaking in his chair, a backward glance.

  Suzie turned to face him and came to the only conclusion that made any sense.

  “You slept with someone didn’t you?” she said not waiting for an answer. How could you Drew? And I thought you were one of the few good ones.”

  Drew looked back her, a totally broken man. He said nothing just raised himself from his seat slowly and walked out of the office.

  “Typical,” she thought to herself.

  Chapter 21

  Drew stared into the grubby mirror of the gents toilets of the Majestic Hotel. He felt sick and he hadn’t even touched the free bar yet. The office Christmas party was the first time he would see his colleagues since Emily’s performance. He’d taken a hasty week off to attempt to gather up the shreds of his life. He’d gone straight to his mum’s and literally stared at the wall for four solid hours and tried to stop shaking whilst she fed him sweet tea and French Fancies. When he’d eventually managed to explain to her what he had done and why she had put her arms around him and cried with him. Tears for his sadness no doubt mingled with tears for her own sorry love story. His dad had arrived home at some point and his mum had swept him into the kitchen away from Drew and filled him in via urgent whispers. When he’d finally come in his condolences were non-existent.

  “About time lad,” he said slapping him on the back. “Knew you’d have to get out and sow your wild oats sooner or later.”

  Drew fled following a desperate look between him and his mother. His dad and his cockeyed view on relationships was the last thing he needed.

  Forced to de-camp to a mate’s sofa for a few days he realised he had to sort his life out when he caught himself recording World Poker TV whilst he went to the toilet. And so he walked. He walked and walked hoping to reduce the relentless grip the guilt had over him. It wasn’t until he started to see his future stretching ahead of him as a wide, open, clean space rather than a brick wall erected on the day he was due to get married, that relief started gradually to kick in and soothe his pain. What he hadn’t expected was for it to be followed by anger. Anger that he had wasted so much of his and Emily’s time. That he’d spent years merely existing, in a bubble that was stable and didn’t make him sad, but certainly didn’t make him happy either. He realised now that he wanted to live. He wanted to feel alive. He wanted to feel his emotions beating through his entire body, not bury them like he had been to the point where he’d become a wooden, boring man.

  Tonight he would start living again he told himself as a man he barely recognised looked back at him from the mirror. Tonight was the start of the rest of his life. He stood up straight and cleared his throat before striding out the toilets in search of Toby who had agreed to DJ for a knock-down price and who was instrumental in kick-starting the dawn of the new Drew.

  “You look like a tit,” said Toby dragging a speaker across the make-shift stage.

  “Thanks,” replied Drew. “I feel like a tit. Everyone else had already rifled through the costumes and taken all the best dwarf bits leaving me with the crap.”

  “So which one are you meant to be?” asked Toby.

  “Tramp dwarf by the looks of it,” he said pushing the grubby grey/white bobble on the tip of his hat out of his eyes for the hundredth time. “Perfect for tonight’s proceedings don’t you think?” he said grimly.

  Toby didn’t answer as he struggled to set the speaker up on its stand. Mission accomplished he climbed over the tangle of wires to go and sit with Drew on the edge of the stage.

  “Look mate,” he said putting his arm around his friend’s shoulders. “Are you really sure about this?”

  “Yes,” said Drew nodding his head vigorously.

  “But …” started Toby struggling for words for the first time Drew could ever remember.

  “But what?” asked Drew. “Spit it out.”

  “But it’s just so out of character mate. You don’t do things like this. I hardly recognise you at the moment.”

  “That’ll be because I’m dressed as a fashion-challenged dwarf Toby,” replied Drew.

  “You know what I mean. One minute you’re dumping the woman you’ve spent your entire adult life with just as you’re about to get married and the next you’re calling me up in the middle of the night with a hair-brained scheme like this. You’re behaving like me not you. And quite frankly I’m not very happy that you’re forcing me to behave like you.”

  “What’s that supposed to mean?”

  “Sensible,” grimaced Toby, “normal, trying to talk sense. It’s making me nauseous.”

  “Sorry. I didn’t mean for all this to upset your stoma
ch,” replied Drew.

  “Look,” said Toby. “I know you just dumped your fiancée and it’s Christmas so you’re feeling lonely, but are you really sure you want to go through with this? Why don’t you just get into the true office party spirit? Drink a bottle of cheap, crap wine and shag some secretary instead of all this grand gesture stuff?”

  “Secretaries don’t exist anymore. They’re called personal assistants these days.”

  “Even better,” cried Toby. “Get one of them to personally assist you in getting over this bizarre rocky patch by shagging you senseless.”

  Drew bent over and started to shine the gold coloured buckle on his dwarf boot before he straightened up to look at Toby.

  “I don’t want mindless sex,” he said. “I just want her.”

  Toby gave a deep sign. “So just tell her. Why go to all this trouble?”

  “You’ve read her column. She thinks we’re all bastards including me after what I did to Emily. I can’t just tell her. I have to convince her that she’s not going to end up having her hopes dashed as she has before. I have to convince her to hope again.”

  “Wow man you’ve sure got it bad,” sighed Toby.

  “Well I happen to think she’s worth it,” replied Drew.

  “Well just you be careful that’s all,” said Toby easing himself up.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I don’t know,” said Toby shuffling his feet. “I don’t want you to get hurt mate. You never know with these chicks. She might not be who you think she is. Chicks do crazy things. They can be unpredictable. I don’t want this ending badly for you.”

  “I think it’s worth the risk,” said Drew solemnly.

  “And are you sure it’s her. Absolutely sure?”

  “One hundred percent.”

  Toby opened his mouth as if he was about to say something serious before obviously thinking better of it. He gripped Drew’s shoulder.

  “Well off you go Dopey. Go and get your Snow White if you must. I’m all primed at my end,” said Toby.

  “Thanks mate,” replied Drew. “If this works I owe you big time.”