If We Fall

by K. M. Scott

  “I’m who I need to be for Serena and Cayden, and that’s something I’m proud of. Prouder than anything I’ve ever done, in fact.”

  I hated how I had to defend being a decent man to my wife and my son to this bastard.

  He twisted his expression into one of disgust. “We all have our choices to make, Ryder. In the end, we’ll have to pay for them, one way or another.”

  Whatever I’d hoped to do with this meeting had gone horribly off-track, so I tried to direct the conversation back to what choices we’d both made in the hopes of getting him to admit some of his misdeeds.

  “Do you really believe that, Robert? We’ve done some horrible things in the past few years.”

  He stared across the desk at me for a moment and then nodded. “That we have. That we have. If I was a religious man, I’d say things aren’t looking too good for the afterlife for us. Thankfully, I’m not, so I don’t worry about things like that. But it seems like you’ve grown a soul now. How’s that working for you?”

  “I always had a soul. I just put it aside for a while to do what you ordered.”

  He didn’t take the bait and simply smiled. “I like these little visits. Next time, bring that grandson of mine with you, if you can pry him away from his mother, that is.”

  Every time he talked about Serena it was nastier and nastier. My need to defend her overwhelmed my need to do what the FBI wanted, and I said, “Serena’s a good mother to Cayden. Why you can’t see that I don’t understand. But then again, you can’t seem to understand why bringing Kitty here upsets her either.”

  Narrowing his eyes to angry slits, he asked, “Is this still my home? Do I not get to say who can live here?”

  I couldn’t sit there with him anymore. The combination of his temper and mine was destined to end in something ugly.

  Standing from my seat, I shrugged. “It’s still your home. Why worry about how one of your children feels about what you do?”

  Robert stared up at me with a look that said he wanted this fight to escalate, no matter what I wanted. That smile of his spread slowly until he looked like a cat that had just eaten a canary. “Just one of my children? Having Kitty here doesn’t bother you, Ryder?”

  Disgusted by him and my inability to get him to say anything incriminating, I stopped censoring myself and said what I knew would hurt him. “I don’t care. Feel free to have every woman I’ve fucked move in. Not all of them were as crazy about me as Kitty, but what the hell. Take your pick at my sloppy seconds. I have the woman I want.”

  I didn’t wait for him to respond before I stormed out into the main hallway, happy to be away from him. Fuck Robert. And fuck his attempt to rattle me. I’d get him to admit what he was, and then he’d pay for everything he’d done, including being cruel to Serena.

  Just before I reached the stairs, I saw Kitty. One quick glance at her overeager face told me she’d been waiting for me.

  “Ryder, stop. I want to talk to you,” she whispered as she looked across the hallway toward Robert’s office with worry in her eyes.

  “Why? What do we have to talk about?” I asked as I continued walking toward the stairs.

  “Please. Just give me a minute. I want to talk to you about something.”

  The worry in her eyes morphed into desperation, and I wondered if Robert had done something to her or she knew something that might hurt Serena or the baby, so I reluctantly agreed. “Fine. Let’s go to the kitchen.”

  I didn’t bother waiting for her, but she hurried to keep up so by the time I turned around to face her, she was right up against me looking up at me with that same wish for more in her eyes than I ever wanted to give her or get from her.

  Stepping back, I leaned against the island. “What did you want to talk about?”

  She followed, taking a step toward me so she could cage me in with her body against the counter. “I know you probably don’t want me here, but I’m glad I get the chance to see you again.”

  Her eyes opened wide and filled with hope for something that would never happen. She touched my forearm, but I pushed her away.

  “Don’t, Kitty. Whatever we were is over. I’m with Serena.”

  She frowned and fought back tears as she tried to touch me again and I moved away around her. “I love you, Ryder. I never stopped loving you. I know you cared about me once. You told me you did.”

  I shook my head in shock that she could have misunderstood my feelings for her so badly. “I never cared for you. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be harsh, but I never felt that way. You knew that.”

  “You did! You wouldn’t have come over every week to see me and whenever I called you for help if you didn’t care at least a little. I know you cared, Ryder.”

  Her pleading with me made my stomach turn. There she was in Robert’s house sharing his bed and trying to get me back. It was sickening and stupid, and if she wasn’t careful, she’d find herself in deep trouble she might not survive.

  “Go back to Robert’s townhouse, Kitty. I don’t feel that for you. I never have. I’m sorry.”

  She moved to hug me and I pushed her away hard so she fell back into the counter. I didn’t mean to do that, but I couldn’t risk her finding out I was wearing a wire.

  But even that didn’t stop her pitiful begging. “Please, Ryder. Don’t do this. I don’t believe you feel nothing. I know how trapped this family can make a person feel. You feel that. I know you do. You don’t love her. I don’t believe you could. She can’t know what you really are after growing up spoiled with that silver spoon in her mouth.”

  “Shut up, Kitty. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I love her. I always have. Even when I was with you, all that while I never stopped wishing I could be with her.”

  Even that blunt truth didn’t make her stop wanting me. “She’s not like you. You and I are the same kind of people. We understand what life’s really like. I understand you, Ryder. You know that. You know she’ll never be able to understand the man you are.”

  Everything about Kitty now disgusted me. From the heavy makeup on her eyes she was used to wearing when she danced to how her clothes fit too tightly even as she stood there in front of me in jeans and a t-shirt that would have looked incredible on Serena. I hated myself for ever being with her.

  “You don’t know anything about what kind of person I am. You never knew me. I was a body you enjoyed. That was it. You knew that. I never let you think it was anything more than just sex.”

  She clamped her hand onto my arm and held on tightly as she stared up at me with that horrible look of desperation she wore so naturally. “She doesn’t know the real you either. If she knew all the things you’ve done, you’d see. She’d look down on you. That’s how they are.”

  I tore my arm from her hold and backed up to get away from her. “See, that’s where you’re wrong. She knows all about who I am and everything I’ve done, and she still loves me.”

  “For how long? Do you really think she’s so different from him? He goes through women like they’re candy. How long do you think she’s going to be happy with the life you give her here? He controls you as much as he controls me, Ryder. How long before she wants someone who can give her more than a room in someone else’s house?”

  “Don’t. You don’t know anything about what we have together.”

  “I belong with you! I’ve known that since that first night you saved me behind the club. You wouldn’t have come back every time for two years if you didn’t care, Ryder. You can lie to yourself all you want, but I know the truth. I see it in your eyes.”

  “I don’t want you. How many times do I have to tell you that before you get it through your thick head? I don’t want you! I’ve never wanted you. Not a single time when we were together. You weren’t the one I wanted, Kitty. You never were.”

  I knew how cruel those words were, and if I’d ever cared at all about her, I wouldn’t have been able to say them. But she was wrong. I loved Serena. I always had.

  Fi
nally, what I said sunk in, and Kitty staggered back until she hit the wall near the refrigerator. Hurt and upset, she started to cry.

  “What’s happened to you, Ryder? Where’s the guy who was so kind whenever I needed him all those times?”

  I didn’t want to stand there anymore with her. We had nothing in common. We never had. Now it was just more obvious.

  “Stay away from me and Serena. I won’t tell you again, Kitty. Go back to his townhouse. That’s where you belong.”

  “I don’t want him. I want you. I always have,” she sobbed.

  “You’re playing a dangerous game here, Kitty. Don’t let him find out you don’t want him, if you want to keep breathing. Whatever you’re getting out of this, I hope it’s worth it.”

  “I only agreed to move in because I knew you were here. I don’t love him. How could I?”

  Turning to look out into the hallway, I hoped to God I wouldn’t see Robert there. “Kitty, get away from this house now. I don’t know if he cares about you or not, but he doesn’t take people playing games. You’re out of your league with him. When he finds out you want someone other than him, you’re going to get hurt.”

  “You really don’t care about me, Ryder?”

  I shook my head. “No. I’ve always loved Serena, Kitty. Take my advice and get away from here as quick as you can.”

  As I walked out into the hallway, I heard her begin to cry again. I didn’t know what Robert was up to bringing her here because I doubted Kitty could ever lie well enough for him not to know how she felt about me. Whatever it was, she was going to get hurt.

  My job was to make sure Serena and Cayden didn’t get hurt too.

  As I made my way back upstairs, I tried to figure out a way to get Robert to talk for the next time I went to see him. The FBI wasn’t going to let me off the hook after this first attempt to get him to incriminate himself. I truly was trapped between the devil on one side and the deep blue sea on the other.

  And neither one would give up until they got what they wanted out of me.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Serena

  The bedroom door opened and Ryder stormed through, slamming it behind him. Stuffing his hand beneath his shirt, he ripped the wire off his skin. He tossed it onto the dresser, making it skid down the top into my perfume bottles that went crashing to the floor.

  “It went as bad as it looks,” he grumbled. “I’m beginning to wonder if I’m ever going to be able to give them what they want, but if I don’t, they’re going to send me to jail.”

  “There has to be a way,” I said as Ryder sighed and sat down on the edge of the bed.

  “I don’t know. I’ll have to figure out a way to get him to talk next time.”

  He ran his hand through his hair like he did when the stress got too much for him, so I knelt down in front of him and took his hands in mine. I dipped my head to kiss his knuckles and looked up to see him smiling down at me.

  “I wanted this to be over. I really did.”

  “I know. It will be,” I said quietly, trying to hide my disappointment.

  But as I knelt there, a familiar and disgusting scent floated into my nose. I stood and shook my head to get rid of that cheap perfume smell.

  “Why do you stink of her?” I snapped. “I thought you were going to talk to him alone.”

  A look of hatred crossed his face, and he bolted up from the bed. “I can’t do this with you, Serena. Not now. I told you I don’t give a fuck about her. I’m sorry he ever brought her here. I don’t care about her. How many times do I have to tell people that before they believe me?”

  I stood there staring in shock at him. Ryder never barked at me like that. I wanted to tell him I knew he never cared about her, even if my jealousy made it seem like I didn’t believe it. It was just my insecurities that came out every time that putrid smell hit my nostrils.

  Before I could say a word, he walked away to the bathroom and slammed the door shut behind him. I sat down on the bed feeling empty, like a part of me had been ripped away. I knew it was just a fight, but there was something else too.

  We were beginning to crack from the pressure of everything we had to deal with here. If we didn’t find a way out soon, I was afraid we might not make it through this.

  I couldn’t let that happen. Not after all we’d weathered just to get to this point.

  Slowly, I opened the bathroom door just a crack and heard the shower running. God, he was a wonderful man. Even though he wanted to scream at me for being so ridiculous about her, he was in there washing away that smell because he knew it bothered me.

  He stood leaning against the tile wall, his head bowed like in defeat as the water hit him and ran down his back. I watched through the glass shower door wishing I wasn’t so foolish. Ryder had never been anything but wonderful to me, and how did I repay him for that?

  With petty accusations based on nothing because I couldn’t get past my jealousy of her because she’d had a part of him before me.

  Stripping out of my clothes, I stood there as my gaze slid over his body, so hard and muscular, and I wanted nothing more than to make sure he knew how much I loved him and how much I hated when I made him feel this way.

  I stepped into the shower and without a word, slipped my arms around his waist. Pressing my cheek to this back, I whispered, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

  Ryder didn’t move, keeping his hands firmly planted on the wall in front of him and his head down. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Serena,” he said in a low voice full of anguish.

  Water rolled down his back and over my face as I clung to him. I’d hoped he would respond to me as soon as I stepped into the shower, but he remained lost in his misery.

  I slid my hands over his hard abs, loving the feel of him beneath my hands. “I didn’t mean that I thought you were with her. I don’t think that. I know I shouldn’t be jealous of her, but I am. I don’t know what to do about that.”

  He stayed silent for a long moment before turning around to face me. “Jealous of her? Why?” he asked, his expression pure confusion.

  Admitting the truth made me feel so stupid. He’d saved me over and over, putting his life and his happiness on the line just for me so many times I couldn’t count them anymore. For those things alone, I should have known how much Ryder loved me.

  Looking up into his deep green eyes, I saw he truly had no idea why I could be jealous of her. In truth, I knew it was a small thing compared to all we’d been through, but I’d never been able to overcome those feelings of insecurity when it came to her.

  “Because she got to have part of you before I did. She’ll always have that.”

  He cradled my face in his strong hands and shook his head. “She never had any part of me. No part that matters, anyway. Whatever I did with her, it was my body, not my heart involved.”

  I hung my head in shame. “I’m sorry, Ryder. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t. I know how much you love me. I’ve never doubted it. But then I think of you with her and everything I know goes out the window, leaving me wishing I’d never gone away for those two years.”

  “You had no choice. He sent you away. I’m sorry she makes you feel like this. I swear, Serena, it never meant anything to me. If I could go back and do things differently, I would. I’d find a way to get to Italy and we’d be there today living happily and eating spaghetti all the time.”

  I looked up at him and smiled at his silly joke. “Italy isn’t all about pasta, you know.”

  “I know. I just wanted to see you happy again.”

  “I wish we were in Italy right now. You know that?”

  He dipped his head and kissed me sweetly on the lips. “Me too. Anywhere but in this house.”

  The last thing I wanted to think about at that moment as we stood naked in each other’s arms in the shower was this house and all the awful things that came with it. I kissed him back and ran my hands down his body until I felt the hard ridge of muscl
e near his hips. Trailing my fingertips over it, I palmed him and moaned into his mouth at the feel of his thick cock growing hard in my hand.

  “I want to feel you inside me, Ryder.”

  Grinning, he slowly ran his tongue across his bottom lip. “Your wish is my command, my lady.”

  He lifted me by my waist, and I wrapped my legs around his body, my water-slick skin gliding against his sides. His hands slid down to cup my ass as he kissed my neck and groaned, “It’s always been you, Serena. Only you.”

  I knew that, even though it thrilled me each time he said it. I loved hearing the man I adored tell me he’d loved me even when I was gone from his life for all that time.

  Smoothing his hair back off his face, I marveled at how lucky I was to have this man care about me. Not only was he gorgeous and had a great body, but underneath that beautiful outside beat the heart of a loyal and devoted man who loved me. I didn’t know if I deserved him, but I never wanted to know what life was like without him.

  “I love you, Ryder. You’re the only man I ever want.”

  He pushed his hips forward and his hands squeezed my flesh as his cock slid into me until there was nothing separating us. My hands clung to his neck and he began to pump into me, slowly at first with long, teasing movements in and out of my body that sent waves of pleasure rolling over every inch of me.

  I dug my heels into his back to urge him for more. More of his cock inside me. More of the guttural sounds that filled my ears he made every time he filled me to the hilt. More of his mouth on me.

  More of him.

  He eased me back toward the wall, and I felt the cool tile press against my skin as the heat of the water beating down on us warmed every part it hit. The combination mixed with the sensations he produced in me as he fucked me and began to overwhelm me with desire.

  I bucked against him, wanting to ride every rock hard bit of his cock. Inch by incredible inch filled me and then left me needing more. Over and over, I pulled him back into me, never wanting to be empty of him again.

  “That’s it, baby. Ride my cock just like that,” he groaned into my ear. “I love how you feel around me.”