Not a Day Goes By

by E. Lynn Harris

  “I don’t want to talk about that,” I said bluntly. A memory of Yancey came into my thoughts, but I quickly pushed it away.

  “Whassup?”

  “Dude, I said I don’t want to talk about that.”

  “Then what do you want to talk to me about?”

  “What if I just wanted to enjoy your company?”

  “That’s cool,” Zurich said as he looked at his heavy silver watch.

  “Your grandmother doesn’t have you on curfew, does she?” I joked.

  Zurich just shook his head and sat down on the sofa, so I sat down next to him. I was so close I could smell his masculine, sharp, citrus-scented cologne.

  “So how is your friend?”

  “What friend?”

  “Your boy. The one who wrote the article.”

  “He’s good, but I thought you wanted to talk about you.”

  Suddenly I really didn’t know why I had invited Zurich to my room. Or did I? Was this my attempt to join his team again and get his tight body next to mine? Could Zurich be the one who could make me enjoy uninhibited sex with a man? Could he be my Raymond? I guess there was only one way to find out. I knew I couldn’t count on Zurich to make the first move, no matter how bad he wanted to git with me.

  “Excuse me one more time,” I said.

  “Sure, take your time.” Zurich smiled. I noticed how easily he smiled and felt myself melting like butter on hot toast. Was this the kind of smile that came with being comfortable with yourself?

  I went into the bedroom and pulled off my sweater, then dropped my jeans. I looked in the full-length mirror and noticed a glazed look of excitement in my eyes and my manhood stuffed inside the royal blue underwear, straining the silk-mesh fabric. I pulled my draws off and out plopped a fully erect jimmie. It was clear my jimmie was obeying no master but its own mind. Surely Zurich Robinson would recognize that I had a body that was meant for sex.

  I stopped in the bathroom, brushed my teeth, put a little gel in my hair, and sprayed some cologne directly at the hairs on my chest. I took a close look at my soap-clean face and then winked at myself and said, “Let’s do this!” I stood outside the bathroom door for a few uncomfortable seconds and then stepped confidently, and completely nude, into the living room.

  Zurich was looking at a magazine, but when he looked up he jumped like he was afraid of snakes, especially the long and thick one I was carrying between my legs.

  “Basil, what’s going on, guy?”

  “You tell me.” I smiled slyly as I moved toward the mini bar and pulled out another beer. I could feel Zurich stealing glances at my ass, because when I turned around, his eyes weren’t looking at mine. Suddenly a panicked irritation swept across his face, and he said, “I need to get home.”

  “Why you leaving, dude? The party is just getting started,” I said as I sat on the sofa.

  “Basil, why are you doing this? Is this your way of telling me you want to be with me?” His voice was low and husky, full of emotion. His eyes unreadable. There was a long, tense silence and my nude body suddenly was covered in a thin, nervous sweat.

  I finally broke the silence to ask, “What if I did want to git with you? Are you game?”

  More silence. Then Zurich started to speak very slowly, with pauses for me to speak, but I remained silent.

  “Basil, I’m flattered . . . but . . . man . . . but I don’t just hop in bed because some good—I mean great—looking man wants to. I . . . I . . . only make love with someone I’m intimate with. We don’t have that. You’re getting ready to get married. Why are you doing that when you’re still attracted to men? Why cause this woman such pain and grief?”

  “You don’t know nothing about Yancey,” I said. I started to tell him my wedding plans were off, but figured the less I said the better.

  “Does she know that you’re bisexual?”

  “I don’t want to talk about that part of my life. This is between you and me. If you don’t want to git with me, that’s cool. There are plenty of women and men that would love some of this dick,” I said, suddenly feeling uncomfortable about being naked. I grabbed one of the small pillows on the sofa and placed it over my jewels. I wondered if Zurich was playing some type of game. Did he want me to rush him and just take the ass or did he want something more? I wasn’t looking for a relationship. That would be a classic case of moving from Sodom to Gomorrah.

  “Basil, I think you’re a great guy, and if I wasn’t trying to make things right with my friend, Sean, then I would definitely be interested in someone like you. But only if you’re willing to be totally open and honest with yourself. I couldn’t be involved with a man who might decide one day he wants a woman and will think it’s alright. I want somebody who honors a relationship—no matter what kind of relationship. You got a slamming body, but I can’t.”

  “Then leave,” I said curtly. I shifted my body on the sofa.

  “Are you going to be alright?”

  I didn’t answer, so Zurich repeated slowly, “Are you going to be alright?”

  “I’m straight,” I said and thought how ironic the popular saying felt at this moment.

  Zurich stood up and started fumbling in his pockets. He pulled something from them and said, “I want to leave you with something.”

  “What?”

  “This.” He reached for my left hand and placed in it a gold ring with a burgundy stone.

  “What is this?”

  I noticed sweat glistening on his face, and when he spoke his voice took on a certain strength. “This is Milo’s ring. Remember the young man I told you about? It has given me a lot of confidence and power to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of the man I have become. I know that it doesn’t matter to God or anyone else who I love. It’s just important that I love. And when I say ‘love’ that includes sharing that love on a physical level, but not just because a handsome man greets me with an incredible erection. I want you to have this and believe that it will give you courage to make the right decisions about your life. You can be totally happy when you look at yourself in the mirror, even if there ever comes a time when you don’t have a perfect body.”

  I gazed at the ring and then into Zurich’s eyes, which had a look of promise and comfort. His thoughtfulness seemed sincere, but I couldn’t speak as I closed my hand with the ring in my sweaty palm.

  “Maybe one day you won’t need the ring. Hopefully, when that day comes you will pass it on to someone who needs it. There will always be someone who will need it. Who knows? I might need it again. This life we live can be very cruel, but there will be many moments of joy.”

  My blank eyes roamed around the room in silence. The chilling emptiness and silence of the suite surrounded me.

  “I’m going to leave now, but I’ll call you in a couple of days,” Zurich said. He walked out of the suite.

  When Zurich left I turned out all of the lights. I felt lonely and rejected, and what pride I had felt earlier, nude and rock-hard, had vanished, but in the darkness it didn’t seem to matter.

  47

  THE DAY before the big engagement party, Yancey and Windsor sat down in the kitchen to enjoy a midmorning breakfast and another conversation about Yancey’s childhood. Yancey spent a day in solitude thinking about the fight with Ava and her wedding plans. The phone had rung almost every hour, but Yancey ignored it. She didn’t want to talk with either Basil or Ava.

  Yancey’s and Windsor’s plates were covered with pancakes that were slathered with butter and drenched in maple syrup, with steaklike portions of ham Windsor had prepared. This time when Windsor said grace, she took Yancey’s hand and held it tightly. Yancey closed her eyes and listened to Windsor’s words, which included a plea for God to ease Yancey’s heavy heart and allow her to make the right decisions regarding her wedding plans. When Windsor finished, Yancey smiled at her and rubbed the top of her hand.

  After a few bites of the soaked pancakes, Yancey picked up her mug and drank some of the gourmet coff
ee she had prepared. Her face seemed totally blank, and Windsor could tell she was still feeling troubled.

  “Have you decided what you’re going to do?” Windsor asked.

  “Not yet. I still think I’m going to marry Basil so I can get my mother out of my life,” Yancey said.

  “Do you think that’s the right thing to do?”

  “I don’t know,” Yancey said. She placed the mug on the counter and added, “I’ve made such a mess of my life.”

  “But today is a new day, and you can start to heal right now,” Windsor said.

  “Can I tell you something, and you promise not to tell anyone?” Yancey asked. She had never shared deep, personal secrets with anyone but Ava.

  “Sure, I can keep a secret.”

  Yancey took a deep breath and looked Windsor directly in the eyes before she said, “I have a child.” She couldn’t believe her ears when Windsor answered, “I know.”

  “How could you?” Yancey asked.

  “I saw you the day you walked into Howard Hospital. I was doing volunteer work on the maternity ward taking care of babies who were being given up for adoption. Most of the time the mothers didn’t want to see them after they were born and there can be lapses before the adoptive parents come. So, like I’m doing now at Hale House, I was holding the babies,” Windsor said.

  “Why didn’t you say something to me?”

  “I figured you didn’t want to talk about it. I thought you might pick up on it when I told you I saw you once on campus and it looked like you had picked up some weight.”

  “Oh yes, I remember. Did you see my baby?” Yancey asked as she touched Windsor’s hands.

  “I don’t know. I was leaving when you were coming in, and I didn’t come back to the ward until a couple of days later and it was mostly newborns.”

  Yancey then told Windsor about Derrick’s deception and about him offering Yancey a second chance to be a mother. She told Windsor how the days before and after the birth had been the worst in her life because she had finally accepted the fact that Derrick didn’t really want to marry her and she was once again following her mother’s path.

  “Have you told Basil?”

  “No, and I’m not going to. I can’t ruin that little girl’s life.”

  “Why do you think you’d ruin her life?”

  “I’ve come from a long line of bad mothers. My grandmother, although she raised me, was resentful of me and my mother. Even though my grandmother wasn’t out of the country working, Ava said she was never at home with her. Ava said she spent more time shacking up with some man and taking care of his kids than she ever did with Ava. Right around the time I was born, the man got back with his wife, and I guess it made my grandmother a very bitter woman. And Ava, there’s not enough time in the day to tell you about all her exploits trying to deny motherhood. I was eight years old before she would even allow me to call her ‘Mama.’ Then it had to be only when we were alone. She wanted everyone to think we were sisters. ” Yancey felt a sudden sense of relief as she shared her family history. She was tired of making up stories of how wonderful her mother and grandmother were. Yancey had told so many lies that sometimes she didn’t know what the truth was. As she talked, Yancey knew for certain she didn’t want Madison’s life ruined by her, Ava, and all the untruths.

  “But Yancey, you’re still young. You can change. There is nothing written that says you will be the kind of mother Ava was or wasn’t. What are you going to do if Basil or whoever you settle down with wants children?”

  “Then I’m not the one he should be married to,” Yancey said firmly.

  “You do want children, don’t you?” Windsor asked.

  Yancey was silent for a few minutes and then she looked at Windsor and asked, “Can I tell you something I’ve never shared with anyone?”

  “Sure you can,” Windsor said as she rubbed the top of Yancey’s hand.

  “I can’t have children,” Yancey said. “After I gave birth I had my tubes tied. I didn’t want to risk having to make another decision like the one I made in that hospital room.”

  “But I think they can reverse that operation,” Windsor said.

  “Only if a person is willing. And I’m not willing, after everything I’ve been through, and I don’t think there’s a man in this universe who can make me change my mind,” Yancey said.

  Windsor just looked in sorrow at Yancey for about ten minutes. Just when she was getting ready to offer more words of understanding, Yancey started talking. She told Windsor how she wasn’t allowed to have dolls or any toys when she was growing up. Yancey shared how her grandmother made her give away the dolls and some of the dresses Ava had sent from overseas because she didn’t want her to be spoiled or think she was somebody special. If Ava sent two dresses, one had to be given away to Goodwill. Sometimes Yancey would see her classmates wearing dresses Ava had sent her. The memory of her grandmother’s coldness caused tears to gather in the corners of her eyes, and Yancey fought to keep them from falling onto her cheeks.

  Windsor pulled Yancey close to her breast and gave her a sisterly hug. The two gazed at each other in silence as Yancey wiped her face with the back of her hand, when they suddenly heard the sound of clicking heels on the hardwood floor in the living room. At first they were startled until they heard Ava’s voice calling out Yancey’s name. Yancey had forgotten she’d given Ava a key.

  AVA walked into the kitchen draped in a different mink coat than the one she wore the day before and greeted them with a big smile and a question. “Is something wrong with your phone and am I too late for breakfast?”

  “Good morning, Mrs. Middlebrooks,” Windsor said. Yancey took another bite of her pancakes and rolled her eyes toward Ava.

  “Good morning to you, Wyoming,” Ava said as she moved toward Yancey and gave her a theatrical kiss on the cheeks. Yancey knew Ava was going to act as if the previous night had never happened and figured it would be best to join her mother’s soap opera drama. But only after she had corrected her on the cast of characters.

  “Her name is Windsor, Ava. Not Wyoming,” Yancey said in a terse voice. Ava gave her a puzzled glare and Yancey returned it without backing off. “Oh, I’m sorry, Windsor. You know, sometimes I get a case of CRS, you know, can’t remember shit.” Ava laughed as she took off her coat and laid it over a bar stool.

  “That’s fine. I didn’t take offense.”

  “Good. Yancey, I have some great news!”

  “What?”

  Before answering Yancey’s question, Ava noticed the leftover pancakes and ham on Yancey’s plate and said, “You didn’t eat all that, did you? Honey, you better watch it or your little narrow hips are going to spread faster than a rumor.” Ava spoke in the fake British accent she sometimes used, which always drove Yancey nutty.

  Yancey ignored her comments and asked Ava about her big news.

  “Guess who our publicist got to cover the wedding with an eight-page layout?”

  “Who?”

  “In Style magazine,” Ava said as she clapped her hands with glee.

  “That’s so exciting, Yancey! My mother and daddy are not going to believe they are attending such a wedding. They are going to pass out when they hear about Ebony and Jet being there,” Windsor said.

  Ava rolled her eyes and turned to Windsor, then said, “Darling, can you excuse us for a few minutes?”

  “Sure,” Windsor said. “Just let me put these dishes in the sink.” Windsor took both plates from the counter and scraped the leftovers into the garbage. She ran a little water over the plates, wiped her hands with a dish towel, and started out of the kitchen. When she got to the door, she looked at Yancey and said, “I’m here if you need me.” Yancey gave her a grateful smile.

  Ava waited a few moments to make sure Windsor wasn’t lurking near the door. She even peeked out the door to make certain. She turned to face Yancey and asked, “What’s going on here?”

  “What are you talking about?” Yancey said as she refreshed
her coffee.

  “How is it that all of a sudden you two are Laverne and Shirley?” Ava asked nonchalantly, as if she were chewing bubble gum.

  “Windsor’s a nice girl. I decided I was going to stop being a bitch to her.”

  “Oh, I see. But you didn’t tell me you were inviting her parents to the wedding. You might as well have invited the usher board from Jackson. I’m not planning some country wedding. You can’t invite just anyone to your wedding, like it’s some ‘come one, come all’ kinda evening.”

  “This is my wedding . . . right?”

  “Yes, but it’s my money.”

  “It’s too late because I’ve already told Windsor they could come, especially since Windsor couldn’t go home for Christmas because she has to move,” Yancey said.

  “That’s not my problem. Besides, aren’t her parents coming here for Christmas?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, I hope you didn’t invite them to the rehearsal party, and we might want to hire somebody to keep an eye on them to make sure they don’t talk to any of the reporters,” Ava said as she looked into the cabinet and pulled down a dainty flower-covered coffee cup. She walked over to the coffeemaker and asked, “Is this still fresh?”

  “Taste it,” Yancey said.

  Again, Ava rolled her eyes at Yancey in a suspicious manner as she sipped the black coffee.

  “Where is that freak of a man you’re going to marry?” Ava asked.

  “I think he’s spending some time with his sister and nephew.”

  “He hasn’t asked you to sign anything, has he?”

  “No.”

  “Great. Looks like we’re home free,” Ava said, placing the cup in the sink.

  “I’ve been having second thoughts,” Yancey said.

  “Second thoughts about what?”

  “This wedding.”

  “Cancel them. I’ve already spent too much money and somebody’s getting married on Sunday. And since I’m already spoken for, it’s got to be you,” Ava said. She twirled her hand with a large diamond ring in front of Yancey. Ava reached for her coat and headed toward the door, but before she left, she turned to Yancey and said, “You don’t look that good. Aren’t you happy?”