John didn’t dare answer or wave her off, which would require him to release his grip on his firearm. Distraught at his failure to respond, she began to descend the stairs, each step advising the enemy that someone was advancing on their position. Finally John jumped up without a sound and limped to the stairs, grabbing Caroline’s leg and pulling her down against the steps.
Suddenly the three intruders left their cover and bolted for the front door. One turned and fired. John was caught in the back by a bullet and crashed onto the stairs, blood pumping from the wound. Kevin opened up from the floor and shot the intruder in the chest and face and he dropped like a rag doll. The other two retreated back to the dining room.
Kevin continued firing at the wall separating the two rooms, hoping that his blind aim might cut them down. When his ammunition ran out, he scrambled over to John, who was lying across a hysterical Caroline’s lap. He hauled John’s limp form up the remaining steps to the second floor, while Caroline trailed behind.
Connor and I opened up on the wall where the intruders sought refuge. Seth joined in. We could hear the windows smashing as our bullets made it through. Encouraged, we expended the last of our artillery. During the silence that followed, I crept forward on all fours and peered cautiously into the dining room. The last two intruders were dead, huddled together in a mangled pile of punctured flesh and shattered bone.
Our victory complete, we ran upstairs. Caroline was holding John’s head in her lap as she rocked back and forth, crying. Kevin had been applying pressure to the entry wound on his back, but it didn’t help. The bullet had been hollowed at the tip and exploded in his chest on impact. Wiping the blood from his hands on his t-shirt, Kevin said hollowly, “He’s gone.”
Seth, Connor and I each lowered our heads in turn. Sidney was now at the top of the stairs, leaning over the railing. Sonny, Fred, and Earl, who’d been out in the woods when the shooting commenced, burst through the front door, arriving too late to do anything. Luckily Sara hadn’t returned yet from the barn.
The fight was over. And then there were ten.
Chapter Twenty-Nine
John was dead now, shot through the back. Jesus, his blood was thick and dark as it soaked into the carpet. As we gathered in the front hall, where Kevin and Seth eventually laid out John’s corpse, a strange buzzing sound filled my head. The room spun slowly as I seemed to leave my body, floating overhead, watching each of my friends react to the horror.
Connor may have dug his latest hole for John. Maybe he wasn’t predicting his own death at all. Maybe he just knew on some unconscious level that we’d require another grave. We fill one and he goes right to work preparing another. Who would be next?
Caroline was inconsolable. Sara returned and tried desperately to comfort her, but Caroline had a hard time buying the whole God concept. She was wrought with guilt, blaming herself for John’s death. No one could argue, but to keep her from blowing her own head off we had to sell her on the idea that shit just happens.
*****
A few nights later, I sat on the ledge outside my bedroom window, smoking a joint and trying to forget. This had become a nightly habit for me, but tonight it wasn’t working, so I turned to climb back through the window.
My bedroom door opened. Shrinking back and out of view, I watched as Connor came into the room, followed closely by Sara, who closed the door gently behind her so as not to make a sound. The two sat on the bed, my bed, with their backs to me, unaware of my intrusion on their conversation. What were they doing? I suddenly felt utterly betrayed by both of them.
I listened as they whispered back and forth. What the hell was going on here? Since when were Conner and Sara close? Come to think of it, hadn’t I seen them together a few times lately? But suddenly they were secreting themselves away in my bedroom. For what purpose? Were they planning on overthrowing me… my authority? I suddenly remembered Sara rolling her eyes at all the times I’d tried to act like a leader. I clutched at my chest as if to silence my quickening heartbeat. The pounding became ridiculous, almost audible. Before I could listen to any more of their conversation, I slid away from the window, worried that my laboured breathing might give me away.
I made my way to the antenna at the south corner of the house, where I could climb down to the ground. The blood roared in my ears as I kept recalling the sight of Connor’s arm reaching around Sara’s shoulders, comforting her.
“Who goes there?” someone called from the addition: Freddy, I think.
“It’s me!” I shouted back at him. “It’s Joel.” I was sweating now and uncomfortable in my own skin.
“Sorry, Joel!” he responded. The echo of his voice rang in my ears as I lost consciousness and fell.
*****
I awoke in my bed hours later. Earl was seated on my couch, playing with Rex. No one else was in the room. Outside, it was dark.
“They’re plotting against me,” I whispered to him.
“Say again?”
“They’re plotting against me.” I struggled to sit up. “They were talking about me .”
Returning my T-Rex to his place on my desk, Earl tried to make sense of what I’d said. “What? Who? When?”
“Just today, right here, in my room.”
“Joel, who is plotting against you?” Earl looked seriously concerned.
“Forget it.” I sank back onto the pillows.
Earl still looked worried.
“I was just rambling.”
“Okay, well, since you’re up and apparently better, I’ve got to head out to Skylab for my shift at the window. You gonna be okay? Sara checked you over, said you got a couple of nasty bruises but no broken bones.”
I winced at her name. “Sure, go ahead.”
“Yell if you need anything.” With that, Earl left the room, closing the door behind him.
I replayed what I’d heard of the conversation between Sara and Connor over and over in my mind. Each time I closed my eyes, the dialogue recommenced and I listened again, teeth grinding behind quivering lips.
“He’s an addict, Connor,” Sara exclaimed. “He’s changing, changing into someone that honestly scares me.”
I was an addict? Really?
“Sara, I know he’s been dipping into the bag a lot more than the rest of us but he’s got the most riding on his shoulders.”
Attaboy Connor, let her know. Make her understand. “I can’t say that I would react any differently,” he admitted.
“Oh bullshit, Connor. We let Joel get away with it because of who he is. We turned a blind eye, me because I’m in this relationship with him and you and the rest because you respect him.” Jesus, she wasn’t pulling any punches. Christ! This was what the person who loved me thought of me?
“Alright, Sara, alright. You’re right. I was aware of the problem and I was hoping it would work itself out but you’re right, he’s slipping away. We’re losing him to the drug.”
Connor changed his tune pretty easily. Why? He thought I was a junkie too? That’s bullshit! He was looking to get on her good side, but why? What was his real objective? Did he miss Julia so much that he’d stab his best friend in the back to score some female companionship?
“I can’t do it anymore, Connor. I can’t let him fall into that life. And if he’s intent on doing this I can’t be with him anymore.” She was crying now, crocodile tears. She can’t love me, no one could say those things about someone they really loved. Connor wrapped his arm around her shoulders and she leaned into him. What was happening here? What was he doing?
“I’ll talk to him. I need to talk to him anyway.”
“What will you say?” Silence. “No, I can’t let you confront him, I have to tell him.”
Tell me? Tell me what? That you think I’ve turned into some fucking junkie, that you prefer Connor over me? Fuck you! Fuck the both of you!
“Fuck that!” I shouted, not really giving a shit who might hear me.
Opening my eyes I saw no one. Only Rex sitting on th
e desk where Earl had left him.
“So what? Huh, Rex?” I addressed my confidant from across the room. “So I’m a junkie now. So I’m not good enough, so I’m human!” My throat tightened. “Why couldn’t we have just died with the rest of them? Huh? Screw a second chance!” I swallowed hard.
Rex had little to offer me as I ranted on. Finally I stopped myself. My eyes closed as I fell back onto my pillows. As hate replaced sadness and loathing evolved from hate, I realized that I was hopelessly alone. Cupping my hands over my face, I cried. Or did I laugh? Like I had said, who could make the distinction anymore?
Lighting a bowl, I pulled the drug into my lungs, held my breath and passed out.
*****
When I regained consciousness, Sara was sitting on the bed, gazing down on me. Seeing that I was awake, she said, “I like you best like this.”
“Like what?” I asked. “On my back or asleep?”
“Calm. At peace.” Smiling sadly, she ran her fingers through my hair. “You’re such a good man and I do love you, Joel.”
Tears. She was going to break the news to me, perhaps an ultimatum. I knew she wasn’t going to stay with me.
“I think it’s time I changed my plan here.” I squeezed her hand a little harder than I meant to. “I’ve got some thinking to do. Until I’ve figured this out maybe we’d better sleep in separate rooms.”
There, I said it for her. For some reason I didn’t want to make it easy for her but I didn’t want to hurt her either.
“Joel, I.... “
“Just go.” I said, cutting her off. “I’m not the same person I was and that may never change. I’m on a path that I can’t alter and I think it’s time I just accepted it. You’ll have to do the same.” I let go of her hand. She slowly released her grip on mine. After wiping her face, she got up and left, closing the door behind her.
Alone once again, I felt sad and angry with myself for having let her go so easily. But I could not forget what I had seen and heard. They had disrespected my authority. They sought comfort in each other’s arms, abandoning me! I got up, went to my desk, and packed a pipe to settle my nerves. After smoking the bowl, I crawled back into bed and covered myself with the tattered comforter. Soon I was asleep. The only place I was really comfortable any more.
Chapter Thirty
The following morning I was in Skylab with Connor and Freddy for the 8:00 a.m. shift. We watched the sun creep over the horizon, igniting the sky. Then I asked Freddy to bring me some more ammunition. I needed him out of the room: before coming on shift, I’d hidden the bullet boxes for my sidearm, ensuring that he would be searching for awhile.
After he left, I faced Connor. “I sent him out on purpose. I want to talk to you.”
“What’s up?”
“Connor,” I said slowly, deliberately. “Did you and Sara have a little talk about me yesterday?”
“Yesterday?” He stared at me. Damn it, he even looked confused.
“Yesterday,” I reiterated. My face was solemn, and in a flash, so was his. He knew now that I had either heard everything or been tipped off somehow.
“Yes. We did.” His eyes never left mine. “Nothing bad about you. Just some general concerns, because we both care.”
“Spending a lot of time together lately, aren’t you?”
The questions were becoming accusations: I wasn’t holding back.
“What? What?” That was all he could say. He’d been caught. There, I’d caught him now, now I knew. I felt dizzy.
“I told Sara last night that I wasn’t going to be with her any more, that she was a free woman.”
For someone who was sleeping with my girlfriend, he seemed pretty upset. “That’s the fucking stupidest thing that’s ever come out of your mouth, man!”
“Hey, since I’m a junkie, maybe she belongs with someone better.”
“Where are you getting all of this?! What the fuck is wrong with you?!” he shouted.
Wrong with me? Was he kidding?
“Don’t yell at me, don’t you fucking yell at me! This is your fault! You did this to me! You want her? She’s yours!” I strode over to him. He did not flinch, although the anger and bewilderment never left his expression. “What made you say that?! Hey? What the fuck made you say that?!” My anger spilled out of me as I yelled my accusations into his face.
He continued to deny it. Sara came running into the addition with Fred and Sonny. Seth and Sidney soon followed, attracted by the yelling. As I panned each of their faces, I saw shock and horror.
“Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” Sara cried, rushing past Fred and Sonny to get between Connor and me. “Why are you fighting?”
She looked terrible. Her skin was white, and dark circles marked her puffy, red-rimmed eyes. Behind her, the guys looked like they’d just been kicked in the bag. They’d never seen us at each other’s throats like this before.
“This is between me and him. I don’t want any of you here!” I shouted.
“It’s okay, Sonny,” Connor said. “Just go.”
“Why are you fighting?!” Sara insisted.
“It’s nobody’s business, Sara!” I snapped.
“We’ll be done in a minute,” Connor told Sonny, who refused to budge.
“You’re a real piece of work, Connor!” I could hold back no longer. The blood roared in my ears. “I’ll give ‘em something to talk about!”
My fist went into his face, knocking him to the floor. I moved to boot him in the ribs, but the other guys intervened, ending the one-sided battle as quickly as it had begun.
Connor let Sonny and Fred help him to his feet and lead him out. He muttered something under his breath as he touched his jaw gingerly. To the others he added, “Don’t let him near the drugs.”
Sid and Seth released me when Connor cleared the room. Sara asked them to leave us and they did, albeit reluctantly.
“What’s wrong with you, Joel?” she wept. “What would possess you? Your best friend?” She was sitting on the floor with her hands supporting her head. I stayed on the floor as well, shaking uncontrollably.
“I know all about you two. I heard your conversation yesterday.” My voice was covered in a layer of frost so palpable the whole room actually seemed to cool. My heart was pounding violently, and my breathing became ragged as the adrenalin pushed through my veins.
“What the hell does that mean? What? What about us?” She had managed to look angry and innocent at the same time, no easy feat.
“Don’t do that, Sara. Don’t treat me like an idiot. Give me that at least.”
“Joel, I...” Her voice broke. “Joel, these things are IN YOUR HEAD.”
“You’re saying I dreamed up that conversation? ‘Cause if that’s what you’re suggesting, then you’d better rethink your next words or this conversation is over.”
“Stop it! Just stop it, alright?” She banged her fists on the plywood flooring. “We did have a conversation about you yesterday. But not to drag you through the mud. You’ve been giving us reason to worry about you. I’m allowed to talk to Connor, aren’t I?”
“You’ve been talking a lot lately, Sara.” I was losing what little composure I had left. “You two have been doing a lot of talking lately.”
“Did you ever stop to think about why that could be?” she shouted at me. “Did you ever think that maybe if you didn’t bury your emotions and your thoughts in that goddamn pipe daily, two or three times a day, that maybe we could talk like we used to?”
“The drugs are keeping me together right now, alright?!” I yelled back. “They’re helping me cope!”
“The drugs are killing you, Joel!”
“They keep me sane!”
“They’re making you insane! The pot is making you paranoid! The more you use it the worse you get! You don’t see it but we do!” She wiped her eyes. “It’s making you crazy, Joel. And I don’t want that for you. I don’t.”
“But you’ll fuck Connor in the meantime, is that it?! Is it?! Well, fuc
k you and your bullshit half-assed concern because I’ll be fine! I’m better off on my own.”
I scrambled to my feet and left Sara there on the floor, weeping. Storming blindly downstairs and out the door, I jumped onto one of the Harleys we’d collected. For a fleeting second I felt like an asshole for leaving her in such a state of misery, but righteous indignation soon took over. I’d been betrayed. I’d lost face with everyone, been humiliated, embarrassed, betrayed! How could she do that to me! How could I face any of them again?
I had no idea where I was going. But I would soon find out. And it would mean the end of things as I knew them.
Chapter Thirty-One
Passing the abandoned north gate, which had been dismantled months ago in order to tighten our defences and shorten our supply lines, I resolved to keep going until something or someone made me stop.
The wind in my face felt fresh and real, which I relished: real was so hard to come by anymore. I was sure that Connor and Sara, the two people whom I’d trusted the most, had betrayed me. Their treachery disillusioned me, made me question almost everything I’d taken for granted.
I checked my pockets for a spare bag of reality. The bike swerved from left to right as my concentration shifted, but I steadied her out. Good- I found a half-quarter. Pulling over, I parked the motorcycle and sat on the road divider. The Sweet Bitch was tucked into another pocket, so I eagerly packed the bowl and lit it.
I inhaled several times before exhaling, holding the smoke captive in my lungs, shaking my head to speed up the process. My heart was broken, my life was over, love had left me. In a strange way it made me love Sara more, want to love her more, show her how much I appreciated her, but the thought of her and Connor: sickening. Bitch! Prick! Fuck!
Bang! I was hit. My mouth fell open, my eyes closed, and my head pitched back. The painful thoughts were still there, but distant now. I could focus only on what was taking place in the here and now. I waited until I felt steadier, then mounted the bike and resumed my journey.
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