Continuing north, I passed the place where we'd seen the farmer's cattle break loose while the forest beyond his home burned, when things were in their infancy, when shit could've gone either way. As I rode by, I turned to look at the blackened farm buildings, taking in the full extent of my neighbour’s misfortune. Or was it their good fortune? Nothing good had come of us making it this far.
Turning right, I headed east with no purpose in mind but to keep moving. Thoughts came and went with little effort or accompanying emotion. The smile remained on my face, the bike motored on.
The wind was artificial. It was me pushing through the atmosphere, not the atmosphere pushing at me. We, as humans, were always pushing. We pushed the limits of everything. We pushed our environment, pushed each other. We were a race of bullies. On the flip side, we pushed through adversity. We pushed through hardships and impossible scenarios. We didn’t necessarily come out on top but we did try, didn’t we?
As green signs whizzed past me, announcing town names and their former population totals, I recalled that Elle Lake would soon appear to my left. The same place Earl had mentioned. As I took the bend, the bike seemed to know where it was going, so I let it. How could I detour from my destiny? Whatever I did, destiny would find me.
Squeezing my eyes shut, I tested my theory. I tested my destiny. The sensation was incredible. It was as though I were invincible. Then, ten seconds later, I veered off and crashed through the dead saplings and thick brush that lined the ditch. Caught in the face by a low-hanging branch, I was thrown from my seat and landed solidly on my tailbone while the bike slammed into a stump and flipped over.
Slumped there, watching the bike’s front wheel spin, I felt dizzy and collapsed onto the dusty earth. Looking up, I saw the blackened trees stretch toward the sun, wishing for a second chance. Then I closed my eyes and blacked out.
*****
When I regained consciousness I was still lying on my back, arms at my sides. Slowly, carefully, I sat up. I could hear something.
It was unmistakable. I could hear people in the woods below. People! I found my pistol, lowered myself onto my stomach, and aimed in the direction of their voices. Then, suddenly, they stopped. I listened carefully, but heard nothing further.
Had they only been in my head? Strange, they had seemed real enough. I waited what seemed like an eternity before letting my guard down. Then I rose, picked up my bike, and pushed through the brush that covered the sloping hill. Suddenly a small encampment materialized in front of me, appearing so suddenly that I froze. Was it real? Or an illusion??
A voice rang out. A horribly familiar voice. “Joel!”
Gareth.
My fingers gripped the motorcycle handlebars so tightly that my knuckles cracked in protest. My pistol was holstered inside my coat, but I’d have been cut down before I could go for it.
Several of the flag people materialized from the woods around me, closing in. Gareth was approaching from the direction of the camp, his smile cruel.
“Wait!” I said. His pace slowed, and I thought fast.
“I- I've come here to see you.” The words were out of my mouth before I could really process what I was saying.
Gareth lit up. He looked at his followers as if to say, I told you so. Then he approached, his manner more relaxed.
“Knew you would,” he said, almost gleefully. “Knew you would…” Smiling through that filthy beard, he reached me and slapped my shoulders in a manner not unfriendly. I remained glued to the bike, afraid that any movement on my part might spark a violent reaction from the others.
“Give our guest some room, people!” Gareth shouted, noticing my discomfort. The group fell away. I dropped the bike and let him lead me toward the camp.
“Just give me their name, Joel,” he said. “The one you are here to present to us. Did you bring them?”
“Their name?” I repeated, trying not to sound confused. Any indecision would turn the situation violent. I felt it.
“Yes, Joel. A sympathizer: you found one in your midst. I can tell. A traitor to your cause.” He began shaking his head again. “I was tipped off by a divine vision, a vision that you would visit us and present us with this gift.”
The group studied me. Nothing can describe the extreme angst I experienced standing there. Thought escaped me, my head went empty. Please, I did not want this to be my destiny. After all I’d been through, I wasn’t going to find my end at the hands of Gareth and his religious rejects.
“Tell me then, tell us, who has wronged you?” Gareth breathed through his mouth, wheezing, the wiry hairs surrounding his lips pushing out with each exhalation. The group seemed to sway back and forth as they too waited with bated breath for my answer.
Two people had wronged me but only one name came to mind. I hated him, I was sure I hated him. I couldn’t let it end here. I wasn’t ready to die. Not like this. So I spoke the name.
Gareth smiled like a jackal.
My heart sank and I flinched. What had I done? What did it matter? I had offered Gareth a lamb and saved my own neck. My mind began to race. I was offering a friend to certain death. But if he were out of the picture it would solve many more problems for me than it would create! I could never hurt him like that myself... No, my part had to be such that no one could suspect me. I couldn’t let the others know this was my doing.
“It is done.” Gareth savoured this phrase as he would a good meal. “It is done!” This time he shouted, raising his arms triumphantly to the excited crowd around us.
They began to mass-chant the name of my former friend, my traitorous, conniving, back-stabbing friend. I looked slowly around the circle, knees shaking, while they praised me as the latest inspiration driving the flag army toward a new hope. Bile rose in my throat. I pushed my way through the tightly packed circle, staggered into a bush, and vomited.
Gareth followed me. When I stopped heaving, he laid a reassuring hand on my back. “Joel, we have you to thank for our renewed strength.”
“Then you let me do this my way,” I replied, breathing through my nose until the nausea subsided. “I'll set this up for you, but I don’t want any credit for your continued success, you understand me, Gareth?”
One more brutal convulsion followed my demand, painful and deliberate. The muscles in my back ached and my throat burned.
“There will be no mention of you, Joel,” he promised. “No one will know that you had any part in this. Come, you will spend the night with us. We will discuss a plan of action over dinner.” He spoke as if he intended to discuss plans for a surprise party or something.
After drinking some water that they offered from a surprisingly clean cup, I took out my pipe and lit up without bothering to ask for permission, needing to escape into oblivion. Gareth said nothing, just watching me with unholy glee warming his features. Something stood behind him, something dark. Was it a shadow? No, it left me cold. Escaping worked. I remained there on my knees for some time.
*****
Later that evening I sat with Gareth and his followers in front of a fire that roasted a small animal carcass. The smell was all-encompassing, triggering a powerful memory.
It was a memory referenced from our camping trip, one of many I would now have to forget: meat cooking over an open flame, my friends surrounding me, my Sara next to me. A single tear tracked the contours of my cheek and I brushed it away angrily. It was my destiny to carry out this plan of Gareth’s. Sara and Conner were dead to me, and I was already alone. I couldn’t be sad, I was certain. The word destiny repeated itself over and over in my head, lulling me into a trance. It was all I had left to believe in.
Gareth watched as I tilted my head back, closed my eyes, and breathed deeply, enjoying the heady cooking scent permeating the air.
“They're all over these parts,” he said, gesturing toward the carcass, which had been removed from the flame and laid on a platter. Snapping away a few meat-covered ribs, he handed them to me. I didn't need to be asked twice: shit, I
hadn’t eaten a piece of fresh meat in months. Biting down on the charbroiled flesh rejuvenated me somewhat. I felt like a person again. Like a man.
“Good, yes?” Gareth looked amused as he watched me tear into the meat so eagerly that juices smeared all over my cheeks and chin.
“It's good,” I confirmed.
“We don’t waste a single organ: even the tongue and eyes are eaten. It is the perfect balance. We use everything we catch. We use the animal completely.”
When the meal was over and some members began cleaning up, Gareth took me aside so that the real business could be attended to. The first thing he wanted to know was what my friend looked like.
“I'll point him out to you,” I replied.
“How can we be sure the others will not retaliate? Could you take him to a secluded spot?”
I shook my head. “I wasn’t exactly on good terms with anyone when I left. If I took him away with me and returned without him, they’d suspect I’d had a part in it. No, they'll have to witness his death.”
“They'll have to be unarmed.”
“That's not going to happen. They’re too used to carrying guns everywhere.”
“Then we’re at an impasse, and that is unfortunate.” Irritation hardened his tones. “I won’t march into your stronghold without a guarantee that my people will come to no harm. I offered you the same guarantee.”
“I'll make it happen, there'll be a way. I just have to figure out how I'll get them all outside, but I need more than your word that you'll only take him, and hurt no one else.” I meant it. My destiny was coming to fruition; but I would not allow any harm to come to the others.
“You have my word, Joel. That is all I can give.” He rose. “We leave tomorrow for the house.”
After bidding me goodnight, he disappeared into his trailer. I walked back to my bike. Sitting next to it and leaning against its smooth metal side, I told myself, I could kill them all right now I’ll bet. I could. I could take my spare canister of gasoline, pour it all over their camp, and throw it into the fire. That would be something.
But I couldn’t, much as I wanted to. I needed them now. I needed them to complete my destiny.
Strangely, I slept soundly.
Chapter Thirty-Two
The ride back to the house was like a bad dream. It was happening. It was really happening.
After camp was broken and the RVs rolled out, I started my bike and assumed the lead position. Gareth raised a hand to me as I passed, not looking at me directly. His eyes were for the road only, the road ahead. I had to hand it to the son of a bitch- he was intense and driven. Even during that fateful moment when we reclaimed our freedom, he had not for an instant played the victim. He could sense a destiny playing itself out, maybe he had always known. Maybe that was why he never lost his edge. He could accept his destiny where I had failed to do so.
Pulling ahead of the pack by half a mile gave me enough time to stop a moment and light the pipe. Shaking my head violently, I looked back to see whether the caravan had caught up. When they drew close, I pulled back onto the road, tires spitting the loose gravel behind me.
When we were around two kilometres north of the house, I stopped and dismounted. Gareth got out of his RV and approached.
“This is as far as I want your trucks,” I told him. “The rest of the distance we’ll cover on foot.”
Gareth agreed. He turned to his followers and gave them the signal to exit the RVs.
“When we get there I want you to sit tight in the back woods until you see me appear by the pool.” I scratched my face and rubbed the end of my nose. I was having trouble hiding the fact that I was anything but straight right now, but I did my damndest. “When I’m at the pool, it means that in roughly five minutes I'll have everyone out front and ready.”
“Understood.” He turned to address his group. “Everyone hear that? When Joel reveals himself we will slowly move in, flanking either side of the house, closing in on his position at the front.” Turning back to me, he added, “Will we be certain not to run into any resistance?”
I assured him that my friends would not fire unless fired upon. “They are trained to follow my orders. If I order their guns down, then they'll do it.”
“Be sure that you do, Joel. I’m not looking for a bloodbath: I want the sympathizer.”
With those chilling words, we began our approach. After positioning the flags safely beyond our defences, I left Gareth with a final order. “Do not mess this up. You have one chance at this. We can't afford any screw ups.”
He nodded.
The walk back to the house took me past the graves of Julia and Gil. Beside their sites was an ominous, yawning hole, the latest fruit of Connor’s dark obsession. I stopped and knelt at its edge.
“What a thing,” I thought. “What a thing to do, Connor, what a burden to carry all this time, to dig your own hole.” I rose and kicked loose dirt into the abyss. “You knew the whole time, didn't you? You knew. You fuckin’ knew. So why didn't you do something to stop it? Why did you let it go this far?”
All that answered me was an indifferent silence. I turned away and continued toward the house.
Sonny, who was on duty in Skylab, saw me approach. He alerted the others, who met me in the kitchen as I entered through the sliding doors.
“Joel!” Sara cried. She rushed toward me, but stopped at my grim expression. “Where have you been?”
“Just clearing my head.” I avoided eye contact. “I’m back now though.” A pause. I had to do this. “Where's Connor? I need to see him.”
Sara looked pleased at the question. “He's been pretty eager to see you too, Joel.”
“So where is he?” I asked again.
“He's in his room.” Seth spoke up. “Good to see you, man. We were getting worried.”
“Thanks.” I went up the stairs, heart pounding. I was going to confront him, to see him, to accept that I was fulfilling a destiny that was bigger than both of us. Reaching his door, I hesitated for a moment. Across the hall, I could see Rex lying on my bed, looking at me.
“What!?” I whispered at him. “Shut up!” This was not the time for him to start talking. Then quickly, abruptly, I knocked on Connor's door.
“Come in.” Connor sounded despondent.
I opened the door. He was sitting on his bed, elbows resting on his knees and eyes on the floor. When he looked up and saw me, his eyes didn’t brighten. “Hey,” he said.
“Hey.” I forced myself to smile. “I’ve got to ask you to come out front with me, you and the others. It’s important.”
“I had a déjà-vu last night,” he said.
Shit!
“It involves you, Joel. And me.”
“I don’t want to hear anymore.” I told him, shaking my head, blinking madly.
“Well, you're going to.” His tone was lifeless. “So you'll want to take a seat, old man, and listen to my dying declaration.”
My whole body went numb. He knew. I sank into an old rocking chair.
“Your paranoid delusions are just that. But they’re also your reality. What you’ve accused me of never happened. It’s your addiction that guides you now. I can’t hate you for your accusation. But it’s up to you what you do about it.”
“Connor... I don’t know what you're talking about, but you're right about me. I’m a mess. I’m a paranoid prick with a temper to boot. I hate myself for hitting you and want you to come outside to show you that I am sincere.”
He knew I was lying. He knew me so well.
“The déjà-vu has shown me everything, Joel. Last night I saw it all.” He stopped. “We are unfortunate souls, you and I, Joel. People who believe in something beyond all this shit.”
“You're telling me.” Tears collected in my eyes. I willed them back.
“I know that what you think you saw is as real as this conversation. I get that. But when it’s all said and done, don’t discard Sara. She loves you so much. You would be a fool to walk away fr
om that.” He paused. “So now it’s up to you Joel. Do you listen to the voices in your head?”
“Aren’t I supposed to?” I interrupted.
“Or do you look to common sense?” He continued unfazed. “I can’t judge you either way. I just have to trust you’ll make the right decision… for you.”
“I...” I couldn’t speak.
“So. Let’s go outside.”
We stepped slowly into the hallway, Conner leading the way with purpose in his every step. This was it. The final test. I watched myself follow in slow motion. I could stop it. But he wouldn’t let me. I followed as if being carried forward by a current stronger than myself. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t stop now. The fear was overwhelming. Fear for Conner. Fear for the life that was to follow, one way or the other. On descending the staircase, I saw that the bulk of our clan had come to meet us in the front hall.
As I approached the back of the house, I heard Connor explain that we would be convening on the front lawn for a meeting. I stopped in front of the back door, and held the handle for several moments. The metal felt warm in my hand. My muscles twitched. Turn the knob. Do it. Turn the knob. My stomach churned. I returned my mind to the hurt and hatred I felt towards my friend. I let it linger on an image of Conner and Sara, together in my bed. I was ridding myself of an enemy now. I couldn’t trust him. I made myself feel certain I could never trust him again. I turned the knob.
I made my way to the pool, knowing I was visible to Gareth's troops. In five minutes Connor would be at their mercy. There was now no way for me to stop this. I had made my choice.
Everyone came outside. I approached the group, who eyed me expectantly. I stood next to Connor, making sure that Gareth’s people would not take out the wrong 'sympathizer', and studied the surrounding trees, knowing that Gareth would emerge when I gave the sign. My friends’ guns were either holstered or slung over their shoulders, unprepared for the act that would momentarily play itself out in front of them.
We were surrounded almost immediately. My friends froze, unable to comprehend what was happening. I envied them their ignorance. The flags relieved them of their firearms. Then they grabbed Connor by the arms, pulling him aside. Enraged, Sonny slammed a powerful fist into the face of one of Connor's captors. The man dropped to his knees, groaning and bleeding. His comrades aimed their weapons at Sonny’s head.
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