Becoming Faith

by Joy Eileen

  Van was next. He hugged me, while everyone else crowded around Kill to hug and punch him. “How are you feeling?” he asked, low enough I was the only one who could hear him.

  “I’m scared, but I guess that’s normal for anyone about to have a baby. I’m over twenty-seven weeks, and I figured I couldn’t keep it a secret much longer. Besides, it seems this baby wants to hang on.”

  “Good, because we want it to hang on. Do you know how spoiled this baby’s going to be?”

  I laughed and kissed his cheek. “Kill and I were just talking about that.”

  “By the way, I’m putting in for the name Dayna. I had a crush on her in junior high, before she moved away.” Van hugged me again, his eyes on Kill.

  “I’ll keep that name in mind. Although I’m partial to Ulcer.” Glancing over Van’s shoulder, I saw D patiently waiting. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the huddle. “Hey, uncle D.”

  D pulled me into a tight hug. When he moved back, there were tears in his eyes. I kissed his cheek, taken aback by the show of emotion.

  “You did it. You found your fairy tale.” He knuckled his eyes so the tears didn’t fall.

  “You’ll find yours,” I told him, wishing his girl would hurry up and crash into his life.

  “This is enough. I’m going to be an uncle,” he reiterated. He put his hand on my belly.

  The baby kicked, making him throw his head back and laugh.

  After that, my belly was bombarded with hands, all of them urging it to kick for their favorite. Lissa didn’t join in, but she did have the decency to congratulate us before going back to her phone.

  “Where did Tilly go?” I asked, noticing my assistant once again had performed a disappearing act.

  “She must have had to leave. She told me her boyfriend was coming to pick her up,” Amy said with a shrug.

  I pulled my phone out and texted her, thanking her for coming. She didn’t respond right away, and I decided to talk to her later.

  After a while, I started to nod off on Kill’s shoulder.

  “All right, it’s time to get my little momma to bed,” Kill said, helping me up.

  “I can’t believe we’re going to be parents.” Jet rubbed my belly.

  “You know what they say, it takes a village,” I said, laughing before another yawn hit me.

  “Fuck that. It takes a band,” Jet replied, making everyone cheer.

  I had a sleepy smile on my face while Kill carried me to our room. My smile didn’t leave, even after I fell asleep with Kill’s hand resting protectively on my stomach.

  Chapter 19

  “I’m so ready for Martha’s cooking.” I circled my stomach with my palm when the plane began its descent. Martha and my dad flew into Portland the day before. We were going to have Thanksgiving at our house, and I couldn’t wait.

  “Me too,” Kill responded, rubbing the back of his neck.

  Kill had been acting weird for the past couple of weeks, and it was driving me mad. Between the crazy pregnancy hormones and having the baby news leaked to the press, I felt like I was about to explode.

  I was positive Lissa was the one who informed the tabloids. She denied it. It didn’t stop me from threatening her with her job if I ever found proof.

  Getting away from the tour for a while was going to be heaven. Even my assistant was driving me up the wall more than usual. Tilly was now even more relentless in getting me to quit the tour. She was upset when I told her I was doing no such thing.

  Tilly teared up when I refused to stop the tour. She said I was being selfish, putting the baby in such a dangerous environment. Catcher made her leave after she made that comment.

  I didn’t expect her to show up again, but she was at the next signing. On crutches no less. Her clumsiness caught up with her, and she twisted an ankle, landing her with crutches for two weeks.

  We came to an agreement she wouldn’t ask me to stop the book tour again. I told her the stress her constant badgering caused wasn’t good for me and the baby. Tilly agreed reluctantly. Without her asking me to quit at every corner, the signings became even more pleasant. Well, not counting having to fix Tilly’s constant screw-ups, but I wasn’t going to complain.

  “Don’t talk about food, sis. I’m starving,” Van groaned from the seat in front of us.

  “Sorry, Mr. Snuggles.” I tapped the back of his chair with my foot. He leaned around the seat and stuck his tongue out at me.

  I could almost see the old Van. It helped that Lissa wasn’t around. Unfortunately, they were still together, if you could call it that. Their time together in public was Van talking to us while she sat next to him on her phone or tablet. Thankfully, Lissa opted out of our big Thanksgiving meal in order to get some work done at the office. The more miles we put between them, the more Van started acting like his old self.

  I hoped D’s and Van’s girls would arrive at the same time. Having Lissa around was draining.

  Catcher went to visit Emily, so it was only the six of us. It reminded me of the good ole days, and I was going to soak it in.

  “Are you going to tell me what you’re hiding?” I asked Kill when the plane hit the runway.

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Kill answered, kissing me on the temple, his hand over mine on my stomach.

  The urge to scream bubbled up. Every time I would ask him what he was keeping from me he would ignore me or change the subject. I was pretty sure the band was in on it too. Anytime I would mention Kill’s odd behavior, they would run away.

  It was driving me up the wall. Thankfully, it was Thanksgiving the next day and I was going to recruit Martha to help me find out what was going on.

  “I know you, Killer. I know you’re hiding something,” I whispered in his ear so nobody else could hear us.

  “Patience.”

  “So you admit you’re keeping something from me,” I countered, making him laugh.

  “Damn, Faith, give the poor guy a break.” Jet leaned in between the seat from behind us.

  “I will do no such thing. And you’re on my shit list too. I know you know what he’s hiding.”

  Jet stood up and kissed the top of my head, making the stewardess yell at him to sit down. “You can’t be mad at me, Faithy the penguin. We all know I’m your favorite.” Jet took to calling me penguin since waddling was my mode of transportation.

  “I can’t wait to see Mom and Dad. It’s been too long.” Jet skipped next to me, holding Amy’s hand as we walked to baggage claim.

  “I know. When I see them, they’re going to get a long lecture for not coming to visit us. It’s weird. Anytime I mentioned them coming to a concert or a signing they just blew me off.”

  Jet’s skip faltered. Kill coughed next to me. I gave him a sideways look he wouldn’t return.

  “Give Mom and Dad a break, Faith. They have a lot on their plate.” Van grunted when D struck his elbow in his stomach.

  “There they are,” Van cried, breaking from the pack and running until he was spinning Martha around in the air.

  “I like him better when Lissa isn’t around.” Jet pouted.

  “We all do,” D admitted, letting out a huge sigh. “I want him to find the one. If anyone deserves happiness it’s my big brother.”

  I stumbled, turning to look at D. The smile on my face took over. “Did you just admit true love existed?”

  “Shut up, Faith,” he muttered, putting a little bit of pep in his step to get away from me.

  “You deserve it too,” I shouted toward his back.

  D flipped me the bird, pulling Martha into a tight hug.

  “Love you too,” I responded, making Kill chuckle next to me.

  When my dad reached me, instead of hugging me like I had expected, he bent down and put both hands on my baby bulge. “Hi, baby. I’m your grandpa. I can’t wait to meet you. Your grandma and I have so many things planned.”

  I blinked back the tears threatening to fall. My dad finally looked up at me and he seemed
to be having the same problem. We hugged, and I buried my face into his neck, feeling the security he had always provided me. Martha wrapped her arms around us, making sure her hands rested on my belly.

  “Let me see my baby.” She pulled back so she could survey my stomach. “Oh, Faith,” she cried, leaning her forehead on my stomach.

  Clicks and shouts came from across the room.

  “We’ve been spotted. Let’s get out of here,” my dad said, turning into his former cop self.

  Paparazzi were everywhere, clamoring to get our picture. Fucking Lissa.

  We grabbed our bags and hustled out of the airport and into the safety of my dad’s rental.

  “I’m so glad you could fly up here and have Thanksgiving with us,” I told Martha and my dad.

  They gave each other a sly look, and I had a distinct feeling they might be in on whatever Kill was keeping from me.

  When we pulled into Ray’s parking lot, excitement rushed through me. I hadn’t seen Ryan since we’d left Portland. I didn’t even get a chance to see her in July when we were touring in Oregon because of the baby scare.

  We talked almost every day, and she avoided all talk of Matt. According to Kill, he still worked there as the bouncer, but he didn’t have any news either.

  With what little grace I had, I got out of the SUV and waddled toward the backdoor. Ryan was behind the bar as usual when I walked in.

  “Surprise,” she yelled, coming out from behind the bar to meet me.

  More pregnant tears poured down my cheeks. The bar had been the transformed into a pastel nightmare. It was decorated with streamers and balloons of all different colors. The designated table the boys sat at was filled with presents.

  “Close your mouth, sexy momma. We both know that wasn’t what got you into your predicament.” Ryan came up to me and helped me snap my mouth closed using her finger. “You’re a dumbass if you thought for one minute we weren’t going to give you a baby shower.”

  “Shit,” I said, at a complete loss for words.

  “You’re not contagious, are you?” Ryan stood next to me, not hugging me, staring at my distended stomach.

  “Shut up. I’m only contagious if I lick you,” I told her, pulling her in and licking her cheek. “I missed your sassy ass.”

  “Oh my God, get it off me.” Ryan scrubbed her cheek with her hand. “You are so lucky you’re pregnant.”

  “Just wait. You may be too.”

  “I can’t talk to you. You’ve obviously lost your mind. Come sit down. You have to try this drink I made.” Ryan led me to the gift table with everyone following behind me. She handed me a yellow drink and made the bottoms up motion with her hand.

  “This is amazing,” I said, taking another sip. “What is it?” It was mellow and soothed my stomach on impact.

  “It’s a Ryan original. Lots of ginger and other stuff I can’t tell you or I would have to kill you. Gotta take care of the parasite in there,” she said, patting my tummy.

  “I’m honored.”

  “You should be. This is the first non-alcoholic drink I’ve ever felt worthy enough to call my own.”

  We sat around the table and gorged on food and cake, catching up on everything we’d missed. Even Ray and his wife, Jean, showed up. Matt was absent, and it took all my self-control not to ask about him.

  “Present time,” Amy said, plopping a brightly colored bag on my lap.

  By the end of the presents, I was in tears from laughing. Apparently all the boys had the same gift idea. The baby was now the proud owner of three shirts, each stating they were the baby’s favorite uncle.

  “There’s so much,” I said, surveying the massive amount of presents around me. “It’s going to take forever to put all this away.” The thought was almost too overwhelming.

  This was it. We really were going to have a baby. I had been keeping the thought away for as long as I could, never letting myself believe it was true. In fact, I hadn’t bought a single thing for the baby. Seeing everything around me, it looked like I wouldn’t have to buy much.

  “There’s one more,” Kill said, coming up behind me and kissing the back of my head.

  I looked up at him, waiting for him to hand it to me.

  “This is more of a show you present.”

  “Isn’t that how you got her pregnant?” Jet said, earning a smack on the head from Martha.

  “Get your coat on. I want to show you something.”

  “What about all this stuff?” I motioned to the pile of adorable baby things.

  “Don’t worry about it. We’ll pack it all up for you.” Martha gave me a knowing smile.

  Kill helped me with my jacket, and I hugged, kissed, and thanked everyone like I was going out to sea, even though I would be seeing them when I got back to the house. Crazy hormones.

  Kill had his panty dropping smile on as he pulled out of the parking lot.

  “So, am I the only one who doesn’t know about this secret?”

  “Pretty much, Slick.” His eyes were trained on the road.

  Kill pulled into a newer section of Portland in the beginning stages of development. Kill turned into a newly paved cul-de-sac with four houses standing sentry.

  “Where are we?” I asked.

  The baby did flips in my stomach, picking up on my anxiety.

  Kill parked the SUV in the middle of the cul-de-sac and turned toward me. His smile lit up the car. He bounced in his seat, and it reminded me of Amy when she had her sugar fix.

  “We’re home,” he answered, using his arm to encompass the whole street.

  “You bought us a house?” I unbuckled and leaned over so I could peer out the windshield.

  “Not exactly.” He gave a nervous chuckle.

  My eyebrow rose when I faced him, waiting for him to explain. His dimples were on full display. His eyes twinkled in the moonlight.

  “This is the JackholeS compound. Sorry, Jet named it and, well, it kind of stuck. That’s our house.” Kill pointed to the house in the middle. “Jet and Amy’s is there.” His finger went to the one next to ours on the right. “Van’s on the left of us, and D’s the one next to Van’s.”

  My eyes watered, begging me to blink, but I was frozen. Kill’s hand went to my stomach, and he turned me so I was facing him completely.

  “Are you okay? I know I should’ve asked you. But this opportunity kind of sprung up on us. We had to make a decision fast, to get the land and start building before winter. Don’t be mad.” Kill’s forehead wrinkled and his eyes searched my face.

  His fear pulled me out of my stupor and I grabbed his head, pulling him to my mouth. I kissed him hard enough to stop him from rambling. Kill moaned, his tongue caressing mine. I tried to get closer, but my belly seemed to have different ideas.

  “I’ve been a nervous wreck keeping this from you. I was so afraid you would hate it.”

  “I love it,” I told him, pulling back so he could see I was sincere. “We have a compound.” I giggled, already adopting the name.

  “The band knew it was time to move out and get our own space. But honestly none of us wanted to be away from each other. Now that the baby’s coming, it made even more sense.”

  “This is amazing.” I looked around at the place we would now call home. “Wait, what about your house?”

  “Your parents bought it.”

  “What?”

  “Your dad and Martha refused to live so far away from their grandchild, so they offered to buy the house. They have been busy moving and helping get our places ready. That’s why they haven’t made it to any of your signings or our shows.”

  “This is like a dream come true,” I whispered, afraid to break the moment with my voice.

  “You’re my dream come true.”

  “Can we see our house?” I asked. I was the one bouncing in my seat.

  “Damn, I can’t even be romantic.” Kill pouted, putting the car in drive and pulling into our driveway. He ran to my side and opened the door. The cool air hit me
and I snuggled into him as we waddled toward the door.

  “Let’s do this right.” Kill lifted me up bride style after he unlocked the door and carried me over the threshold.

  The house was bare, but it was perfect. The only thing on the wall was a framed picture of Kill proposing to me in the bookstore.

  “I didn’t want to decorate. I figured since you’re going to be home for a couple of weeks after New Year’s, you could order some things. If it’s too much, we can stay with your parents and decorate it slowly.”

  “This is surreal.” My voice echoed off the bare walls, amplifying my shock.

  “Martha said she would help you too. Are you happy?”

  “More than I can tell you.”

  Kill kissed my nose. “I have more to show you.” He bounded up the stairs with me still in his arms.

  We went through all the rooms, Kill explaining which one he thought would be best for my office and his. He stalled when he stood in front of the only closed door.

  “If you don’t like it, we can change it.” The uncertainty in his voice was so unlike him.

  “Now I have to see it.” I scrambled from his arms and opened the door.

  I tried to blink the tears away so I could see everything, but they weren’t being deterred. The room had been made into a rock’n’roll nursery. A JackholeS logo was painted on one wall, and under it the picture we took the first day on the bus.

  The room was decorated with musical symbols in black, white, and red. A dark cherry wood crib stood proudly in the middle of the room. Soft blankets were waiting for our little bundle. A dresser and changing table were against the wall, also ready for our rockstar.

  “I know I should have discussed it with you.” Kill rubbed the back of his neck, glancing around the room with a smile.

  “It’s perfect. This is perfect. You’re perfect.”

  I pushed my fingers through his unruly hair and pulled him to my lips. Our kiss became passionate. We were finally alone and in our house, not a hotel. That alone fueled the intense need to feel him.

  Kill ripped his lips from my neck where he was sucking on the sensitive skin. “I can’t do this in here.”

  The pure panic in his face made a giggle burst from my lips. Kill looked at me and threw his head back, laughing along with me.