by Shaw, LK
A family portrait in a black frame hung on the wall above his dresser. His gun belt lay neatly across the top of it alongside a set of car keys and a wallet. None of that really drew my eye, though. What did was the huge office desk and high back leather chair that took up at least a third of the room. Sitting on the desk were two gigantic computer monitors, side by side, with a paused video game on one screen and a chat display on the other. I didn’t expect Victor to be a gamer. Certainly not one who played what looked like…was that Spiderman?
“Why are you here, Estelle?” Victor interrupted my perusal of his private space.
I turned to face him again and forced myself to look him in the eye. He deserved the truth. “I came to say you were right. I do push you away. It’s been my defense mechanism for years. I don’t let people close, because then I don’t risk getting hurt.”
With a deep inhale, I continued. “I also came to say I’m sorry. I’m sorry for running away last night. For being a coward. Mostly, I’m sorry for hurting you.”
I braced myself when he stepped forward, but he merely moved past me without a word. Spinning around, I watched him run his hands over his head. A gesture I’d seen him do countless times when he was frustrated. His mussed hair made him look several years younger. My breathing was ragged as I pushed back my anxiety. I’d said what needed to be said, but I couldn’t force him to accept my apology. My stomach ached with the tension between us. The air had never felt this heavy before. I lost track of how long I waited for him to respond. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer.
“Please, will you say something? Anything?”
He stood still, his profile to me when he spoke. “My entire life I’ve lived in the shadow of three older brothers. They’d grown up together and had already formed a bond before I ever came along. I think that’s why Ines and I were always so close. Being only a year and a half apart, it seemed like it was us against them.”
He paused, his eyes staring into nothing like he was lost in the memories. He blinked and visibly shook them off. He shifted and his focus landed on me.
“Regardless, we could always rely on each other. If one of us needed something the others were quick to offer help. I don’t know your whole story. Only a tiny piece of it. And that is you didn’t have the kind of life or childhood we had. Even though you were here all the time. I never gave it much thought until recently.”
Whether knowingly or not, Victor was picking at my scabbed wound that never fully healed. The whole reason I kept people from getting too close.
“I’m sorry for what you had to deal with as a kid. I have no doubt it tainted your view on what a healthy relationship should look like. They’re not all like that, Estelle. We wouldn't be like that.”
Victor was right. Wherever this thing between us went, we wouldn’t wind up bitter and hating each other.
“I know,” I whispered.
I didn’t resist when he closed the distance between us and pulled me into his arms. I pressed closer, as though I could become a part of him. With my cheek against his chest, his heartbeat sounded loud. His scent surrounded me, comforting me. We both stood there, each of us silently holding the other. I absorbed the closeness, soaking it all up, so when I needed to, I could pull out the memory of this feeling of intimacy between us. I’d never had this before, and it was almost too much.
“We’re going to take things slow. When you need time or space, we’ll talk about it. I know you’re scared. I am too.” Victor’s voice rumbled through my body to settle deep inside my soul.
“You’re going to have to be patient with me. Most likely I’m going to be… difficult.”
He chuckled above my head. “You’ve been difficult for more years than I can count. I’m still here aren’t I?”
I pulled back to stare up at him. “You were awfully quick to agree with that.”
He shrugged and gave me his half-smile. The one that always caused my belly to flutter. “I call ‘em like I see them. Besides, there’s nothing wrong with being difficult. Now that I know it’s what you’ve done to protect yourself, I can work with it.”
He cupped my jaw and caressed my cheek with his thumb. My breath hitched. I gave up the fight I’d always had with myself and leaned into his touch. For once, I needed someone to lean on.
“You can trust me to be here for you. Anytime you need me, all you have to do is ask.”
“Well, it’s not like you can go anywhere, since you kind of live here.”
Things between Victor and I were suddenly getting too heavy. I needed the levity to counteract the vulnerability I was feeling. I still needed that little bit of space between us. Trust wasn’t going to happen overnight. No matter how much I wanted it to. His expression shifted, and he sighed softly.
He might as well get used to it.
“I guess you’re right.” This time it was Victor who pulled away and took a few steps backward. The intimacy between us was broken, and it was my fault. The silence between us was awkward and uncomfortable. It was time for me to leave. “I should get going. I’m sure you have things you need to do.”
“As a matter of fact, I don’t.”
I paused in my retreat. “Oh.”
“Have you eaten lunch yet?”
I shook my head. “Not yet. I grabbed some coffee and fruit early this morning. Otherwise I’ve been finishing up my lesson plans for the week.”
“Come on then. Let’s go down and grab some lunch.” Victor clasped my hand in his. I jerked the tiniest bit from the charge of electricity that zinged through my fingertips and up my spine. The look he shot me was almost one of daring. Daring me to pull away. I wasn’t going to let him goad me. Instead I smiled my toothiest smile, all while praying he didn’t notice the tremble of my sweating hand. Despite that tingle that still sizzled across my skin, I didn’t release my hold on his fingers as we headed downstairs together.
Chapter 14
I paced the length of the den while my father sat in his recliner. Manuel was, like usual, in the kitchen finding something to eat. You’d think his wife never fed him. Pablo should be here any minute for the family meeting Manuel had called yesterday after the accident. We needed to talk about what happened and what we needed to do to keep Estelle safe. There was no way that crash was random. It had to tie into the attempted kidnapping. I just didn’t know how to prove it.
Manuel came in carrying a sandwich, his mouth already full. We all turned at the sound of a key hitting the lock. Pablo walked in. “Sorry I’m late.”
“You’re here now. That’s all that matters,” my father assured him.
He hung his gun belt near the door and joined us. “Any news about the crash yesterday?”
My father answered. “Nothing. We checked all the video surveillance in the area of surrounding businesses as well as traffic cams. They showed the whole collision happening, but the windows of both vehicles were tinted so dark it was impossible to get a clear glimpse of anyone inside.”
He’d shared all this with me yesterday, but hearing it a second time pissed me off again.
“Both the SUV and the Hummer had stolen plates, so no help there,” Manuel offered.
A fucking dead end. The APB on Álvarez had come up with nothing as of yet. We couldn’t find anyone around town still on his payroll. Even our informants were batting zero. Which meant he was really good at hiding. Or he wasn’t back in Chicago. He couldn’t show his face for fear of getting arrested, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t here. If what Brody said was correct, he would do whatever it took to get his revenge. The only problem was that everything pointed to the fact I was grasping at straws at Álvarez being responsible for Estelle’s attack. I needed someone to blame for what happened to her. It pissed me off that I couldn’t get confirmation. I just needed something. A single lead.
“Brody’s brother called me last night.”
All eyes landed on me. I held up my hand to stop the barrage of questions that followed.
“He ha
d a proposition for me.”
“What sort of proposition?” My father asked.
“He’s offered to help try and locate Álvarez.”
Pablo spoke up from the position he’d taken on the couch. “Offered how? And is that really a good idea? We don’t know anything about him.”
This was where things were going to get dicey. “He’s willing to become a narc.”
“I think that needs further explaining, m’hijo.”
“He says he can get information the police can’t. Tips on where deals are taking place. Where to get the best drugs and who to get them from. We’re going to work together in gathering intel.”
“I don’t like this,” Manuel piped up.
I spun on him. “What don’t you like? The fact that I’m the one he reached out to? Or that I might be the one who locates Álvarez?”
“Whoa, why don’t we all just relax here,” Pablo interjected. Always trying to be the peacemaker.
“I’m perfectly relaxed,” I countered.
“What the fuck is wrong with you, Victor? Ever since Ernie died you’ve been a complete dick. Hell, even before that.”
“Maybe I’m tired of you questioning everything I do.”
“Silencio!” My father raised his voice.
“Why is everyone yelling?”
All four of us pivoted at the quietly asked question. Estelle stood in the doorway. Her face was ashen, and her gaze darted between all of us before landing on me. I closed the distance between us.
“I’m sorry if we woke you,” I murmured softly. I didn’t like the fear in her expression.
She stared up at me, her bright blue eyes full of questions. “What’s going on, Victor?”
“We’re having a family meeting.”
“It didn’t sound like a very friendly one. Is this about what happened yesterday?”
My thumb brushed her cheek with a gentle sweep. “Why don’t you go back upstairs and rest. I’ll come up and explain later.”
Estelle’s expression shifted, and I recognized the stubborn look on her face. She wasn’t going to let this go. She straightened to her full height. Which still barely reached my chin.
“I may not be a member of this family, but I think I’m entitled to know what’s going on. Especially if it involves me.”
“She’s right,” Manny said.
“Stay out of this,” I barked over my shoulder.
“You know what? I’m done here. I don’t know what your problem is, but I’m not sticking around for this bullshit.”
He snatched up his coat and stormed out the front door slamming it behind him. Both my father and Pablo stared at me with eyes full of disappointment. Without another word, they both walked out of the room, leaving Estelle and me alone. I turned my back on her and paced again. Why did I let Manuel get on my nerves?
“You weren’t very nice to your brother.” she scolded.
Not her too. “I’m tired of his know-it-all attitude.”
“What are you talking about?”
Perfect Manuel who never did anything wrong. Him with his perfect wife and two point five kids. Sitting in his house with its white picket fence. Looking down from his pedestal at the rest of us. “Nothing.”
“There’s obviously something going on between you two. I’m supposed to trust you, yet you won’t do the same for me.”
Estelle wouldn’t understand. “It has nothing to do with trust.”
“It does actually.”
“Fine. You want to know?”
“I just said I did.” She crossed her arms and cocked her hip.
She was infuriating sometimes. “My entire life I’ve felt like I’m not good enough. Not smart enough. Ernie, Manny, Pablo—they all dismissed me. Manny was the worst, though. If I had an idea, no matter what it was, he shot it down.”
Manny had also turned everything into a contest. It was why I started playing video games after they all moved out. There was no one but me and the game. It didn’t become a battle over who was better. I had no one to compete with but myself.
“Did you know I wanted to join the S.W.A.T. team?” I asked, absently.
“No, I didn’t know that.”
“A couple years ago. I took all the course work. Passed all the field training. Even took the exam.” It was the one thing I wanted. I’d worked hard. Studied hard. I was proud of myself. I’d done everything right. Only it wasn’t enough.
“What happened?” Estelle’s voice was soft.
“There were only two open spots. Some guy I didn’t know got one. Manuel got the other.”
She laid her hand on my chest. I glanced down at her and winced at the pity in her eyes. I didn’t need her to feel sorry for me.
“Have you tried talking to him? Telling him how you feel?”
“Why? It won’t do any good. He’ll just blow me off. Poor Victor.”
“I’m not trying to discount your feelings. I swear. As an outsider who spent a significant amount of time in this house, can I tell you what I experienced whenever I saw you all together?”
I gave a short nod.
“Envy.”
She surprised me. That was something I hadn’t expected.
“You have no idea how many times I watched the five of you together and wished I had what you had.”
My skin burned from the random patterns Estelle drew on my chest. I wanted her to keep touching me. She plucked at my shirt, pulling the fabric and releasing it as she continued.
“There was so much love between you all. I know you guys had disagreements on occasion, but I could see how much you loved each other. Not all of us had that, Victor. I would have traded everything to be part of your family. To have what you and your siblings have.”
Her words gutted me. I couldn’t imagine what it was like for her growing up.
“At least the five of you had each other. I had no one. Not even parents who loved me.”
I couldn’t have felt more pain at Estelle’s words than if she’d stabbed me.
“You can’t keep letting this resentment fester. Eventually the two of you are going to reach the point where your relationship is unsalvageable. I really think you should talk to him. Will it make a difference?” she shrugged. “Who knows. But at least you’ll have expressed how you feel. Beyond that, it’s up to him.”
I pulled her against me, once again needing that connection. Everything was right in my world when I held her close. She fit perfectly in my arms, her soft curves against my hard edges. I never wanted to let her go.
“You’re right. I’ll talk to them. Even if nothing changes, at least I’ll have said my piece.”
Her small hands rested against my chest. They were soft and delicate, like her. She was right about the discussion that had to happen. There was one thing she needed to know though. One correction about her life I needed to make, because she had it wrong. I cupped her jaw in both of my palms keeping my eyes locked on hers. I wanted her to see the vow, the promise in them. Her entire body was still. She wasn’t even breathing.
“You may not have had anyone in the past, but that’s no longer the case. You have me. I’m yours now for however long you keep me.”
Chapter 15
You have me.
Victor’s words kept playing over and over in my head. I missed anything he said after that. Those three words were all my brain homed in on. They sounded far too close to those other three little words.
You have me.
It was terrifying how much I liked hearing them. The intensity behind them was more than I was ready for. It didn’t stop me from adding them to the memory box I was building inside my head. I was going to need those reminders. Because I wanted to be able to trust this moment right here. I was desperate for it.
“I’m really glad I have you.” That was all I could commit to at the moment, but considering my feelings about relationships, that small concession was a giant step for me. “So, why don’t you tell me what you were talking about in the meeti
ng.”
Victor stepped back with a frustrated sigh. “We were discussing the fact that we still don’t have any answers. There’s nothing that ties the attempt to grab you and the crash yesterday together, yet they can’t be a coincidence. Not within only a few days of each other. Which means we’re back to square one with zilch to go on.”
I could understand his discouragement. It was a struggle living with the unknown. “You still think Álvarez could be behind it?”
“My gut keeps saying yes, but the fact is…I don’t know. No one’s been able to confirm his location. If anyone does know anything, they’re not talking. I’m not surprised. He’s a highly wanted man after Brody turned over all his evidence. I’m actually surprised they haven’t apprehended him in Mexico yet and extradited him back here to stand trial. He must be deep in hiding. ”
It was the little things about Victor I was truly starting to notice. Like the fact that not only did he pace when he was frustrated, but he ran his hands through his hair as well. Right now he was almost wearing a path in the carpet, and his hair was mussed. I found it incredibly sexy. The intensity he gave off.
“Brody’s brother wants to help see if he can get any information on Álvarez’s whereabouts.”
That gave me pause. Brody’s brother?
“Isn’t that dangerous for him given his…circumstances?” I wasn’t sure how else to put it. How did one describe a person’s drug addiction?
“Probably. We don’t have a lot of other options. In fact, we might be reaching, but it would be great if I could just get some confirmation, one way or another, whether Álvarez is hiding in Chicago somewhere. If he is, then at least we have a concrete suspect for both incidents. If he’s not, then we chalk up what happened as random. Which doesn’t make me happy either.”
I knew Victor. Nothing would make him happy until someone was behind bars. If I had a vote, it would be for the attempt to take me as random. Even as horrifying as it was to think that I was just picked off the street to try and grab, it also meant it was safe for me to leave here. I could go home. Back to my own house. Alone. The idea didn’t sound as appealing as it had a week ago. Especially now, with this…thing between Victor and me.