Class Dis-M.Y.T.H.ed

by Robert Asprin

  "And Markie put your education in my hands," I interrupted back, as the Pervects moved in, ears pricked with curiosity. "Does that tell you anything?"

  "Er, do what she says, not what she does?" Melvine ventured.

  "Let's start there." I turned to the Manticore.

  "What can I do, O Skeeve," Evad asked miserably. "I am an honorable male, but on an ensign's pay I don't have the funds to make up for the trouble I caused, nor do I have the time to work off the amount. I have no valuables except my insigne."

  "Well," Bee suggested, "you wouldn't be the first ensign to have to hock his uniform to pay his way out of trouble. It happened a fair amount in the Possiltum army. You can redeem it later."

  "I couldn't," Evad said, horrified. "It belongs to the Queen!"

  "I have an idea," I said. "That venom of yours: does it kill or wound?"

  "It depends upon what I mean it to do," Evad said, his big face puzzled. "Most of the time it will only make the flesh swell up and become painful. Those people I struck will recover, unless I pierced them in a vital area. I will apologize to them. I am ashamed to have used brute force on civilians."

  "No, that's not what I mean," I said. "I'm more interested in the venom itself. So, you can produce it in different strengths, or are they different fluids?"

  The Manticore looked as though he was getting another headache. "I do not know, O Skeeve. I have never really thought about it. Why?"

  "I'm doing comprehensive magikal studies," I explained. "Could you, er, give me a sample of each kind? I would like to study them. I'd like to do some experiments to see if there is any difference, and if either is good for other magikal purposes. I'd pay you for them. A fair price."

  Evad looked suspicious.

  "I could do that," he said. "But such a small amount will not discharge my debt to the people of that village."

  "Oh, I think it will," I said airily. "Here's my offer: I'd be willing to pay you the going rate for Manticore venom on Klah."

  "There is no Manticore venom on Klah, so far as I know," Bee said. "I would have heard about a weapon like that when I was in the army."

  "That would make it pretty valuable, wouldn't it?" I asked innocently. Evad perked up as he began to catch my drift.

  "O Skeeve, if you would do that, I would be your servant for life!"

  "Let's not go that far," I said hastily. "What about the deal?"

  "Yes! I agree! Shall we drink on it?" Evad asked congenially. "Where is my bottle?"

  "Maybe we should just shake hands," I suggested.

  We hiked back into Humulus, Evad walking among us with his shaggy head bowed to show contrition.

  "I don't get it," Melvine kept saying. "I mean, that thing is as big as a house, and you make friends with it? You had it where you wanted it, and you let it go? What if he suddenly goes crazy on us?" He glanced over his shoulder at the huge Manticore shuffling along in our wake.

  "I think," Jinetta said tentatively, "that it is very impressive that Skeeve turned an enemy into an ally."

  "Yeah, by paying him off!"

  "No, by meeting mutual needs!" Tolk said, his pink tongue flapping happily as he ran beside us on all fours. "Wow, that's so cool! Skeeve, you're brilliant!"

  "How did you think of doing that?" Pologne asked.

  "It's something we did a lot when I was with M.Y.T.H., Inc.," I explained. "A win-win deal leaves everyone happy."

  "Why bother with a win-win? You had a savage killer at your mercy. He was helpless! You could have gotten much more out of him than you did."

  "Look," I explained. "I don't need more than a couple of vials' worth of venom right now. If I do, I know where to find him. I don't want a slave. He needs the money. Everyone gets what they want, right?"

  "Not exactly," Freezia said, looking ahead. I peered into the distance.

  Neither my sight nor my hearing was as keen as the Pervects', but within a few steps I could make out the citizens of Humulus huddled together just inside their village gate. They were chanting.

  "Kill the monster! Kill the monster! Kill the monster!"

  We hiked closer, and I could see the villagers' faces change from anger to astonishment, and slide right over into fear. They hoisted their weapons still further, and their voices became more shrill.

  "Kill the monsters! Kill the monsters! Kill the monsters!"

  "Master Skeeve," Bee said, "I think we forgot one little thing."

  "We did," I groaned. "No one remembered to put their disguise spells back on, did they?"

  A quick glance around revealed the awful truth.

  "No, sir," Bee confirmed.

  "Nor I," said Jinetta.

  "Or us," the other two Pervects chimed in.

  "How about we run away, right now?" Melvine asked as the villagers began to move towards us.

  "Bowmen!" Flink's voice rose above the others. "Prepare to fire!"

  "No!" Bunny shrieked. She thrust aside a couple of big men and sent them staggering. Her disguise had dropped, revealing the beauty beneath the hag. Two larger men jumped in and grabbed her arms. It cost a dozen or more of them bites, gouges and bruises to subdue Buttercup, but they captured him, too. "Skeeve! Run for it!"

  "I don't think we're going to get the chance," I said hastily. "Let's take it on the offensive. Everyone remember their levitation spells? Grab arrows first. Next, whatever other weapons they point at you. After that, we may have to raise a few people's consciousnesses. Let's go."

  I squared my shoulders and marched forward. It took the others a moment to catch on, but Bee double-timed it to parade at my shoulder. Tolk trotted up, showing his teeth ferociously. Gleep led the way, lashing his tail and spewing out a stream of fire nearly two feet long, not bad for a baby dragon. The Pervects minced along behind, their dainty steps out of context—to my fellow Klahds—with the green scaly faces and long teeth. I meant to play on that disparity. But first, I had to disarm our employers before they killed someone.

  "Fire!" shrieked Flink.

  The first flight of arrows came winging at us. I waved an imperious hand, not so impressive since I was now ordinary Skeeve, all blond hair, blue eyes and lanky build, but with a full tank of magik to draw upon it was no trouble to send the bolts flying on over our heads. They thudded into the road behind us, raising a cloud of dust.

  "Is that all you've got?" I shouted.

  A few brave souls hoisted homemade spears and prepared to throw.

  "Ladies?" I said.

  "Oh, let me!" Pologne piped up.

  "No, you got to taunt the Manticore," Jinetta said. "It's my turn!"

  "Someone do it," I gritted as the villagers let fly.

  Jinetta sashayed out from our ranks and held out her hands. The makeshift spears halted in mid-air and began to whirl, describing complicated patterns.

  "I was in marching band in secondary school," she explained to me cheerfully over her shoulder. The spears fell into her outstretched palms, and she sent them flying again. "I was the best baton twirler in Sangafroid! I still remember the fight song! 'Fight on for dear Sangafroid! Kill the other team! Rip their heads off/ For dear old Sangafroid!'" she warbled. She caught the spears deftly in each hand and did a back flip, landing on one knee. "Ta-daaaa!"

  "Brava!" I called, breaking into applause. My apprentices and Evad joined in.

  The villagers didn't. They broke into a run, heading back towards the gate. Jinetta looked disappointed.

  "Freezia, you were very good at the retrieval spell," I said. "Can you find the catch that holds up that portcullis and release it?"

  "Oh, yes, Master Skeeve!" the petite Pervect exclaimed. She went through a series of complicated gestures then pulled one hand back as if yanking a lever.

  The big gate came crashing down, just as the villagers reached it. The first ones there slammed into it, and the following waves of people piled into them. I strolled up to Flink, who was at the back of the group with his archers. I leaned forward and smiled.

  "Hi." />
  He jumped about three feet backwards, stumbling into the beleaguered bowmen. Then, recovering his dignity, he pulled down his tunic and thrust out his chin. "You have us trapped, wizard, but we will fight for our lives against your cohort of monsters."

  "Monsters?" I asked innocently. "Do you see any monsters?" I glanced back at my students and let out a deep laugh. "Are you fooled by my illusion? I cast these semblances upon my apprentices to strike terror into the Manticore and force him to surrender! Behold!"

  I whisked my hand, and all of the students assumed their disguises. I became the imperious Skeeve the Great once again and Gleep turned back into a goat. The villagers relaxed.

  Flink swallowed. "You must admit their appearance was very convincing, er, wizard."

  "Of course they are," I said calmly. "I am the best."

  "You mean, this gorgeous girl is really a hideous hag?" asked one of the men holding Bunny. He thrust her away. "Eeeyuch!"

  "You're no prize yourself," Bunny said, tossing her hair in annoyance. "Master Skeeve, is everything okie-dokie?"

  "It certainly is," I said. "Behold! We have captured the Manticore!" I waved him forward. "Evad!"

  The Manticore shuffled up to us, his cap in his hands. "Me sorry," he said, in the Klahdish I'd taught him on the way up the road. Close, but no Norelco shaver.

  "Captured?" Flink roared. "Why didn't you kill it?"

  Behind him, the townsfolk began to chant again. "Kill the monster! Kill the monster!"

  Evad looked alarmed.

  "That was not in our contract," I said coldly. "Norb brought us here to rid your town of the intruder. He didn't say anything about killing."

  "I would have thought that was implied, wizard!"

  "Magik is a very specific study, Master Flink. I do not deal in inference. If I was that unclear in my spells, I'd have had my guts ripped out by demons a long time ago."

  "Then, kill it!" Flink ordered.

  I crossed my arms.

  "That would require a renegotiation of our agreement, Master Flink," I said, "involving substantially higher fees regarding magikal wear and tear, disposal of the body, that kind of thing."

  Flink looked dismayed. I pressed my advantage.

  "Wouldn't you be happier if I said that this Manticore here was prepared to make amends for the destruction he caused?"

  Evad came forward, his big paws clasped together contritely.

  "Why—" Flink thought about it. "I suppose so."

  "He stabbed my husband!" a woman cried out.

  "And my nephew!" boomed a stout man, bringing forward a boy wearing bloodstained coveralls.

  "He hurt a lot of people, not just buildings," Flink pointed out.

  "Well, we can fix that, too, at no extra charge," I said agreeably. "Tolk!"

  "Yessir!" the Canidian said, trotting forward.

  I pointed to the wounded townsfolk. "Heal!"

  Chapter Thirteen

  "We're not in this for the money."

  W. Gates

  In spite of having to maintain our disguises the walk home was much more relaxed than the outward journey. My students laughed and congratulated one another, recapping the whole mission to Humulus and their own successes.

  "You were brilliant, Jinetta!" Pologne exclaimed. "I have never heard the fight song rendered with more spirit!"

  Jinetta preened with pleasure. "I wish Coach could have been here to see it. But you, Pologne! Your hovering was picture perfect. We could have been back in the lab!"

  "That was some pretty flying," Bee said wistfully. "I wish I could do that."

  "Oh, you will," Jinetta assured him. "It just takes practice. I'll spot you."

  "We all will," Freezia promised. "That was amazing! To think all the magik we learned in school actually has a use in the real world! I thought all the 'power-in, power-out' nonsense was just academic. And, oh, I was never so grateful to see a force line in my life!"

  "Me, too," Melvine grunted. "You don't really appreciate them when they're gone. On Sear it didn't seem like such a big deal, but here—"

  "You were fabulous," Jinetta told him enthusiastically. "I'm sure none of us could have held on to that big lummox for so long with a diminishing power ratio! And with all those people yelling, too—it was so distracting!"

  "Don't forget Bee's calculations," Tolk said. "Wow-wow-wow! We rebuilt that whole town hall in an hour!"

  "That was nothing," Bee said modestly. "I read in an old scroll that items that had been bonded for any time had a sympathetic cohesion that could be rejoined by magik. I wouldn't have believed you could have put it together again like a jigsaw puzzle, until Melvine here showed us."

  The Cupy waved a hand. "Easy! With all of you and Evad there to steady the stone blocks, I had no problem raising the walls. Nice redecoration, there, by the way, Freezia. When you were done I couldn't see a single crack in the plaster, and the frescoes looked like new."

  "Thank you," the petite Pervect said, beaming. "A Magikal Arts major doesn't seem to have turned out to be the useless piece of parchment my parents were afraid it would."

  "And how about Pologne's illusion when Skeeve sent the Manticore home?" Bee asked. "Those flames were so real I could almost smell them."

  "Oh, it was just a little of this, and a little of that," Pologne said, blushing green.

  "We are the best," Tolk exclaimed. "Hey, you know, we oughta have a name! Like—Skeeve's Students! Then we could have matching tunics, and school colors, and everything!"

  "Ehhh," Jinetta said. "I don't know about the rest, but I like the idea of a name. Skeeve's Students is a little too pedestrian, and it sounds sort of grade-schoolish. We're here for advanced studies. No offense, Tolk."

  "None taken! I'm not very good at names. I bet you are! What do you think?"

  "I don't know. Someone throw out some ideas."

  "Well," Bee began. The others turned toward him eagerly. "You know Master Skeeve and my sergeant, Swatter, were partners in M.Y.T.H., Inc. What if we called ourselves something related to that."

  "Oooh," Pologne squealed. "My parents would be so impressed. I know they've heard of M.Y.T.H., Inc."

  "They're famous for magik," Tolk said. "But you Pervects have a lot of amazing machines. So, we're both magikal and technological. Can we do something with that?"

  "That's a great idea, Tolk," Freezia exclaimed. "How about it, Jinny?"

  The tallest Pervect knitted her scaly brows together. "I know! How about Myth-ka-Technic University? That combines both disciplines along with ancient spirituality!"

  "Oh, that's good," Pologne said. "It sounds—advanced."

  "Terrific, Miss Jinetta," Bee said. "I like it."

  "Not bad," Melvine agreed. "You're good with words."

  "Well, thank you!" Jinetta beamed.

  "Now, about those tunics," Tolk said.

  I listened, letting them jabber on happily, heaping praise on one another and accepting compliments. I was pleased with the way things had turned out. Mostly. I had taken Bunny aside while Tolk was repairing jabbed thighs and gouged shoulders to ask her for our bag of gold. Facing her was almost worse than facing a drunken Manticore. Even after the two extra days we spent in Humulus offering our assistance repairing the town hall as a gesture of good will, she was still angry about it.

  "I cannot believe that you paid out our entire travel budget on two tubes of poison!"

  "Manticore venom," I corrected her, but my ears were burning. Bunny was the only one who wasn't ecstatically happy about the outcome of our adventure. Gleep trotted alongside her, laying his long neck against her knee, and rolling big blue eyes up at her.

  She ignored him, stalking along with crossed arms. "I don't care. You gave away a whole bag of gold because you felt sorry for that sting-tailed oaf! He's the one who got drunk. You didn't put that bottle into his paws. You're not responsible for his problem."

  "No," I said with a sigh. She was right. I was being soft. Part of me knew it was counterproductive, but p
art of me was glad. Evad had been so grateful for my 'deal' that I didn't even think ahead to the fearsome task of having to explain to Bunny why I needed our entire traveling budget so the Manticore could pay off his debts. The reward we had been paid by the headman did cover the amount I had given Evad, plus a little left over. Bunny was not appeased. Still, I thought it had been a great learning experience for my pupils.

  "Look, Bunny," I said persuasively, "think of it as an investment. What if you had a potion that changed its effect when you wanted it to? Studying this phenomenon could get us a big profit one day. Think of the applications for non-magicians!"

  In spite of herself, she let the corner of her mouth quirk up in a half-smile. "You're just trying to dance your way out of trouble. Skeeve, it's your money. I wouldn't be a very good accountant if I didn't tell you when you were wasting it."

  "You're the best," I said sincerely. "Who knows? This really could be the beginning of an important magikal breakthrough. An exclusive!"

  "Right up until the time that the Deveels figure out what you did and undercut your deal with the people on Mantico," she pointed out.

  I grinned back. "So it's a limited exclusive. But we made a profit, didn't we?"

  "My uncle wouldn't consider it a very good return, and neither would Aahz."

  "If I'd continued on in magik the way I started out, only caring what I could make from it, you wouldn't still be here, would you?"

  Bunny shook her head. "I wouldn't give you the time of day. All right, Skeeve, it's your money."

  "It's ours," I declared. "We all earned it."

  "Gleep!" my pet crowed, happy that we had made up.

  "You were terrific, too," I told him. He jumped up to slime me with his long tongue. "Ugh, Gleep!"

  "Gleep," he declared, and trotted off into the woods to find something to eat. Bunny and I grinned as he disappeared into the undergrowth.

  "…It's decided, then," Jinetta was saying as we dropped back into the group. "Tomorrow we'll work on Cantrip. Once we're good at that, I wouldn't mind learning Tolk's anti-headache remedy."

  "It's easy! It's easy!" the Canidian promised enthusiastically.

  Even the old inn seemed to wear a halo of contentment. I wasn't even bothered by the wave of stale air that blew out in my face when I unspelled the main door.