Class Dis-M.Y.T.H.ed

by Robert Asprin

  A cloud of leaves blew upward from the left half of the building. My students jogged out of the dead end, unwinding pieces of vine from their limbs. They had escaped from the Throttle Vines, and were just a few paces behind their opponents in reaching the monster's chamber in their own maze. As soon as one of them set foot in the room, lightning began to shoot out through the container's walls, smashing the urns and statuary arrayed about the walls of the small enclosure. Melvine and Pologne flew upward. The rest retreated around the nearest wall.

  "Make that louder," I said, pointing at the image. "I want to hear what they're saying!"

  "Is that a weather elemental?" Pologne asked Melvine as they lit down near the others.

  "How should I know?" he asked. "Do you want me to go and knock on the door?"

  "That sounds like a really good idea," the Pervect snarled back. "There are only a thousand dimensions inhabited by lightning-spitters. Think you can get home town and date of birth, too?"

  "You're the researcher—you ask it!"

  "Now, stop it, you two," Jinetta said, pushing them apart. "We need to go through that room. We haven't much time."

  "Jinetta, it's breaking out," Bee said. He had been keeping an eye on the room. They all peered around the edge of the doorway. A huge catlike backside reared up out of the ruins of the container, topped by a translucent, jointed tail with a stinger. The tail plunged down and stabbed the floor, then it reared up.

  ZAP!

  A lightning bolt shot out of the creature's backside. It went out the door, narrowly missing the team, and impacted on the far wall, destroying the bas relief of a shepherd and some kind of woolly ruminant native to Perv.

  "A Manticore!" Freezia shouted. "It's a Manticore! Oh, no!"

  "All right," Jinetta said, patting the air with her hands. "We know how to deal with one. We've done it before. Everyone calm down. Stay away from its tail. Don't let it grab you in those paws. The jaws are strong, too. Freezia, are you ready to levitate? Together we might be able to lift it."

  Freezia felt the air.

  "The lightning's sapped the magik!" she cried. "I've only got about half of what I stored when we started."

  "I'm full," Bee said. "I used magik to Cantrip over that moving floor section, but I replenished my store as soon as I did it."

  "So did I," Tolk said.

  "I had to use some not to fall when the trapdoor opened up," Melvine said. "And flying takes up some energy."

  "That's only three of us with enough magik," Jinetta said. "Well, then, perhaps we can capture it."

  "Do you see a gum-gorse tree anywhere?" Melvine asked, baring his teeth. "We're toast!"

  "We don't have to make it adhere to anything," Jinetta said, remaining amazingly calm. "All we have to do is get past it. We have proven that they are easy to confuse."

  "When they're drunk," Bee reminded her. "This monster's sober as a judge."

  "Even after Tolk cured Evad's headache he remained slower in the uptake than we are," Jinetta countered. "We will keep his senses busy until all of us, or at least one, can pass him and get through the rest of the maze. Only one of us needs to secure the key to win!"

  "Good idea," Melvine said. "What do you want us to do?"

  "Ready one of your tornadoes," Jinetta instructed. "It won't matter if you have any force left after that. Freezia, use your retrieval spell to pull its tail to one side. We don't want it aiming lightning at any of us. Tolk, you're good at dodging. Keep it busy."

  "What about me?" Bee asked.

  "I have an idea: can you reverse your Cantrip spell to make someone clumsy?"

  Bee grinned. "I never needed it before," he said. "I was always clumsy enough on my own. But I'll try."

  "Ready?" Jinetta asked, holding out her hand. The others piled theirs on hers, palms down. "Break!"

  The team crept over the threshold. There must have been an alarm in the floor, because the Manticore, or rather its back half, redoubled its efforts, shooting lightning bolts and jabbing around with its spike. The students had to dash to get behind chunks of fallen marble. Melvine started twirling his finger in a circle. A tiny cyclone appeared on his palm. I was impressed how much the spell had been refined over the last several weeks. He tossed it up and down as if it was a coin, and sauntered out into the center of the room.

  "Hey, Manticore," Melvine taunted. "Your mother stings her own butt! The city dump called. Your new face is ready. Hey, I hear your application for village idiot was accepted."

  At the sound of his voice, the Manticore's head went up and his tail went down. He spun in a circle, his lion face the very picture of joy. I noted that he had pale whiskers, one of which was bent.

  "Cupy!" shouted the Manticore.

  "Evad?" Melvine exclaimed, breaking out in a huge grin. He threw the mini-tornado over his shoulder, where it sputtered into nothingness. "No way!"

  The huge being came loping over to seize Melvine in a big hug and roll over with him in its paws. "Oh, Cupy, good see you!"

  "Evad!" The rest of the Sorcerer's Apprentices recognized the Manticore that we had extracted from the town of Humulus. They rushed over to pet and hug him. I found myself grinning like a complete idiot. The contest was in the bag now.

  "Evad?" the Geek echoed, rising to his feet in outrage. "They KNOW my Manticore? I'm going to call a halt to this contest. This isn't fair!" He started to lower the bubble. "We'll start over with new monsters."

  I put my hand on his shoulder and shoved him down.

  "Who says it isn't fair?" I demanded. "Do you think we live in a vacuum? The chances that a couple of demons might have met in the past is unlikely, sure, given the number of beings in the universe, but are you going to penalize them because it happened?

  "And lose all that money? The audience wants a fight, Aahz, a fight! I'm going to throw a Minotaur in there. Maybe a Giant Squid, too. That'll up the ante for the outcome!"

  "So, it's money, huh?" I snarled. "You do have bets against the Sorcerer's Apprentices."

  The Geek backed away, his hands up in surrender. "Easy, easy, Aahz! If I didn't know better I'd think that you're the sorcerer they're talking about, except the last time I saw you you didn't have any magik."

  "Things change," I gritted out, "but they never had Aahz for a teacher. That I guarantee. They'd have been a different group if they ever did."

  "But what about the contest?" the Geek pleaded. "If the audience doesn't see a little blood, they'll riot!"

  I glanced over at the Pervect side. There was plenty of blood. The team had managed to roll the dragon over on his back. Two of the All-Pervects were binding its legs with magik, but it kept kicking free. I blamed the Manticore's lightning for draining the force lines. They almost had it, though.

  "They still have to get to the key first, right?"

  "Right, Aahz," the Geek said, his face hopeful. "Is there any way you'll let me—slow them down a little?"

  He didn't have to. The Manticore was so happy to meet his friends again that he kept pulling them back into the room as they tried to leave.

  "…And when got back from shore leave, escort mission to tropics. Very nice! Hot! Perfumey! You would like! Ever want to come?"

  "Maybe some day," Jinetta said, "but Evad, we have to get—" She sidled toward the opposite door, but he enveloped her with a friendly paw.

  "And Klahd Skeeve give good idea, sell venom. Visiting wizard very interested! Start sideline with friends. Have money for drinks all around. So, last week, Captain says special mission. Good publicity for Navy! Volunteer? I say me! Here I am. And here is you!"

  "That's great that you found a use for your talent," Bee assured him. "We're happy to see you, but we've got to go."

  "No go! I buy drinks. Skeeve kind. Where Skeeve?"

  "Skeeve's not here," Tolk assured him. "Just us. We're happy to see you, too!"

  Doubtfully, Evad sniffed, his big furry nose twitching. "Smell Skeeve. Where Skeeve?"

  "No, he's not here. Really really real
ly."

  "Let's get organized here," Jinetta said. "Evad, we're very glad you are safe, but we need to make it through this maze before the other team does!"

  A frustrated roar from the other side of the wall made Evad raise his eyebrows. "What that?"

  "Other team," Freezia said. She dropped into another language that consisted of growls and hisses. She must have gotten interested in Manticore after our previous encounter and taken the time to learn some. "We're in a competition. We have to get to the middle of this maze and secure a golden key before they do or we lose!"

  "You not lose!" Evad declared. "I carry! Which way?"

  It was going to be a close contest. The All-Pervects had succeeded in hog-tying the dragon, which lay on the floor, flaming everything within sight. With only a few injuries and no fatalities, the Pervects managed to flee the room and headed off into the second half of the maze.

  The Pervects and Bee clung to the broad, furry back. Tolk led them out the door.

  "Watch it watch it watch it!" the Canidian said over his shoulder. "Sometimes the floor falls out from under you!"

  "That way," Pologne said, pointing right.

  The All-Pervects turned left.

  "Go left!" The Sorcerer's Apprentices reached a T-intersection. Melvine flew upward to look out at the top of the maze. At the lip, he flattened out like a bird smacking into a window.

  "Magikal force field," the Geek explained. "They all try to do that."

  "Can't get out to see!" Melvine yelled.

  "Oh, I wish I had my detector," Pologne said. "I hate not being able to use technology! We'll go right again." The Manticore galloped forward, only to have to back out of a narrow spot that led to a blank wall. Pologne cried out in frustration.

  "All right, it must be three rights and two lefts! Left again! Now!"

  The All-Pervects cleared their last right turn and let out a cheer at the sight of the pillar. They were moving quickly. I could see victory written on their faces.

  Suddenly, the Sorcerer's Apprentices burst into view, riding on the back of a full-grown Manticore. The furry beast galloped into the circular chamber just a pace ahead of the home team. The beast swung wide, depositing its passengers onto the floor near the wall.

  Determined, the Pervects poured on extra speed, heading for the pillar. Crasmer, at the lead, was just about to take the key off the pillar when a canine head ducked under his hand, seized the golden object in his mouth and gave them a friendly smile.

  "Sorry sorry sorry," Tolk said. "I believe that's ours."

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  "Only one will remain."

  D. Trump

  "No, for the last time, it's not illegal to use the monster from the Monster Monster Challenge as a steed," the Geek said as the All-Pervects surrounded him, shouting for justice. "There's nothing in the rule books. You can do anything you want to the monster as long as you get past it to the Final Chamber. Didn't Schlein say anything goes? Well, it does!"

  "I heard them talking to that Manticore," Grunt argued. "That's collusion."

  "They picked a marble at random out of the box, same as you," the Geek said, passing his hand over his horned head wearily. "It was a one-in-a-billion chance that they had met the guy before. Look, you might have known the dragon. There was one on the Troll team—you saw him. I'm sorry, fellows. The decision is final. The Sorcerer's Apprentices won. Come on, let's go back and smile for the audience. You don't want the rest of the universe to see Pervects as sore losers, do you?"

  "Why the hell not?" Crasmer asked.

  Bunny and I stood by as the All-Pervects let themselves be bandaged and daubed with makeup by the Geek's numerous assistants. I didn't want any trouble. I wore my most fearsome expression, which Bunny assured me looked just like Aahz with a hangover. Inside I was beaming with joy. My students had won!

  Tananda and Markie seemed to shimmer into existence beside us. "Congratulations, Hero," Tananda crowed. "That was fantastic! I was all set for a big fight, but this was better! You should have seen the confusion in the ranks, there. No one knew what to do about it."

  "They were all set to mop up blood," Markie pouted, still in character, "but no one liked them being friends. That's mean?

  "What's next?" I asked.

  Bunny held up one finger. "Only the final ordeal, to see who wins the grand prize."

  "Ordeal?" I swallowed nervously. "What kind of ordeal?"

  "Well, it varies," Tananda said. "On Zurik it was whoever could dodge the most bullets. That got a little messy, even for Gnomes. Mmm, I can't remember what Sink or Swim: Mantico did."

  "That was the great Lightning Battle," Markie giggled.

  "These all sound kinda fatal," I said.

  It came back to my friends that they were dealing this time with people that they knew. That put a different face on the subject.

  "All we can do is hope for the best," Bunny said.

  "I think we can do better than that," I said. "I'll just remind him that for every one of those kids who gets hurt, I'll pull off one of his limbs."

  A drum roll came from the invisible orchestra. Schlein stepped forward.

  "And, now, for the final contest, for the all-over winner, the being who will be awarded a once-in-a-lifetime job with Mistress Monestruc, we present The Final Ordeal! As always, the fairness of this contest will be decided by Frankenmuth, Spalanade and Rockrose, our accountants." Three Sittacomedians in blue suits and striped ties stepped forward.

  "Does anyone know what we're going to be doing?" Freezia asked. "I'm still tired from the last couple of stunts."

  "Will it be like any of those?" Bee asked.

  "It could be worse," Melvine said grimly. "I remember one on Trollia where the players threw knives at each other."

  Tananda scoffed. "That one was nothing. Bronze knives that didn't go even two inches into the contestants' fur."

  "Well, maybe that's so," Bee said. "So the contest might be geared to the team itself?"

  "But we're not the home team," Freezia pointed out. "We might get through it, but you're not Pervects."

  "I won't hurt any of you," Jinetta insisted. "You're my friends!"

  "Whatever happens," Pologne said stolidly, "if I win and any of you survive, I'll give you all jobs—if I have any hiring authority."

  "If I make it, I'll heal evetyone," Tolk swore.

  Emotions were having a battle royal on Melvine's face. "I really want to win this, guys. But I'll do it fairly, I promise."

  "I'll throw it, if I have to," Bee said. "I can't hurt my team. What would Sergeant Swatter say?"

  I cleared my throat and turned it into a growl. "He'd say do your best, and play fair."

  "Gosh, you're right, sir. You must know Swatter pretty well."

  "I do," I said, clearing my throat uncomfortably. "And I know the kind of people he'd pick for a squad. Do what you think he would do."

  Bee grinned unexpectedly. "He'd figure out some way everybody could come out of it alive, sir. And Master Skeeve would figure out a way we could all win."

  "I—He sure would. Good luck, kid. Good luck to all of you."

  "Thanks, Aahz," they chorused.

  Schlein struck a pose. "Step forward the Sorcerer's Apprentices!"

  The team appeared in a spotlight. They were holding one another's hands and looking young and scared.

  We all went up to sit in the bubble with the Geek. The Sorcerer's Apprentices were a team. I was proud of them. In fact, I was sort of proud of me. They had absorbed what I'd been trying to hammer into them about teamwork and delegation and finding their own strengths. I guess I'd done it right. Whatever happened from now on was all their own. I wished them victory.

  Schlein swooped in upon the cluster of students and peered at the audience over their shoulders.

  "The Sorcerer's Apprentices will decide The Final Question with a killer round of Rock Paper Scissors!"

  I gawked.

  "Rock-Paper-Scissors?" I looked at the Geek. "After a
ll those brutal rounds?"

  The Deveel laughed at me. "You must not watch the show much," he said, leaning back and snapping his fingers. A crystal decanter rose out of a drawer and poured him a dram. "If it looks like the home team is favored, we always have a nonlethal competition set up. The ratings drop pretty badly if we kill off the locals."

  "Yeah, but that's a kiddie game. You're insulting your audience."

  "S—Aahz!" Bunny said. "You want something more dangerous?"

  I waved away her protest. My businessman instincts had kicked in.

  "Won't this be the opposite of what they expect?"

  The Geek sat up. "You think this won't get lively? Watch how we do it. Special effects! Music! Lighting! And there's Schlein giving the live commentary. The man's worth his weight—er, a LOT in gold."

  The audience was already chanting. "We want the champion! We want the champion!"

  "You all know the rules," the Sittacomedian instructed the group. "As soon as the count is complete, present your hand. We're playing this for—sudden death!"

  I gulped.

  The Geek snorted. "That just means it's not a round-robin contest, Aahz."

  "Oh," I said in a small voice.

  "Ready—play!"

  Spotlights chased around the floor, and sweeping orchestral music boomed up.

  "One two three!" the Sorcerer's Apprentices chanted. Pinpoint spots lit their hands individually. Two were holding paper. Three of the others were holding rocks. One had a scissors. Images of parchment scrolls, glittering gemstones, and one pair of gleaming shears overlay the students' hands. The shears attacked one scroll. The remaining parchment covered one gem. The other two gems moved to smash the scissors.

  "Tolk, out! Freezia, out! Bee, out!"

  BOOM boom boom, came from the drums.

  "Three at once," the Geek crowed. "This is great."

  I groaned with disappointment for the three students who walked, shoulders hunched, away into the darkness. The music struck up again, more tense than before. The Geek was right: it was thrilling.

  The remaining three—Pologne, Jinetta and Melvine—eyed one another suspiciously. Melvine tried to fake out the others.