Instant Daddy

by Carol Voss

  “What are you doing?” she sputtered.

  He liked having her in his arms. “What does it look like I’m doing? I’m carrying you. I figure the last thing you need in those shoes is a stroll.”

  “My feet thank you. But just where are you carrying me?”

  “To a nice, quiet place.” Striding with purpose, he left the sidewalk and walked across soft grass into a little woods that smelled of earth and green things.

  She relaxed against him.

  Her trust made him feel strong and powerful and more in charge than he usually felt around her. He had so much to say to her, he wasn’t sure where to begin. Before long, the small, white gazebo took shape in the dim light of the waning moon.

  “You found the gazebo?”

  “Jake and I found it one day when we were playing in the park.” He climbed several steps and set her down on one of the plank benches hugging the enclosure. Missing her closeness, he sat beside her. “This is nice,” he said. Very private, too. A perfect spot to tell her how he felt. “Being near you makes me happy, Jessie.”

  She smiled. “Thank you.”

  Moving closer, he took her hand and looked into her eyes. “When I go back to Madison without you, I feel empty. I miss your warmth, your vulnerability, your strength. I’d rather be with you than anywhere else on earth.”

  She opened her mouth as if to say something.

  “Please hear me out.” He caressed her cheek. “You’re the most giving person I’ve ever known. You could have easily led Jake to mistrust me, but you helped me win his trust instead. When I went off on a self-serving tangent to take him to live with me, you forgave me. You’ve taken me into your family as if I belong. You’ve given me so much, Jessie. No wonder I’ve fallen in love with you.”

  Her eyes went wide.

  Leaning toward her, he cupped her neck with his fingers and gently coaxed her to meet him halfway.

  She didn’t pull away.

  Heart pounding, he hesitantly kissed her jaw, her chin. Little puffs of her sweet breath warming him, he carefully kissed one corner of her mouth, then the other. She tasted of strawberry punch.

  She lifted her chin as if offering more.

  It was all the encouragement he needed. He fit his mouth over hers. Waited for what he wasn’t sure would happen.

  With a sigh, she kissed him back.

  He couldn’t catch his breath. Needing to be closer, he gently drew her into his embrace. Her lemon scent wafted around him like a cocoon. Soft, warm, inviting. He drank her in like a man dying of thirst. The last thing he wanted was to end the kiss.

  But that’s what he needed to do if he was going to tell her all he had to say. Lifting his head, he smiled at her.

  She looked a little stunned.

  He felt a little stunned himself. And more alive than he’d ever felt in his life. “I love you. And I want to marry you as soon as we can get a license.”

  “Oh, Peter.” Tears sparkled in her eyes. “You want a family.”

  “Absolutely. Won’t it be great? You, me, Jake and a whole bunch just like him? I can’t wait to experience all the firsts together. You’re such a good mother. I promise we’ll have as many playmates for Jake as you want to have.”

  She gave her head a little shake and looked away.

  “I think of you always, Jessie. Of the way you are with our son. The way I feel when I see you again. It’s like coming home for the first time in my life.”

  He tipped her chin so she had to look at him. “A significant grant came through recently that will allow me to hire another full-time researcher. I’ll cut back on hours. I’ll learn to delegate more responsibilities and use the computer to stay on top of things at the lab. I’ll do whatever it takes to spend more time in Noah’s Crossing with you and Jake. Will you marry me, Jessie?”

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jessie’s heart thudded against her ribs. She wanted to stay in his arms forever. He’d just laid his heart at her feet, and she wanted so badly to accept it. She desperately wanted to be the woman he needed.

  But she couldn’t. And now, she’d hurt him by not being honest about who she was.

  Her chest felt so heavy, she could barely breathe. Why didn’t I tell him, God? I was so caught up protecting myself, I didn’t think about him. Closing her eyes to shut out the warmth in Peter’s gaze, she pulled away. “I can’t marry you.”

  He frowned.

  “I tried to tell you that night in Madison…friends is all we can ever be.”

  He blew out a breath. “You don’t feel about me the way I feel about you?”

  “That’s not it.” A sob shook her.

  Smiling, he brushed tears from her cheek. “Then we can fix anything else.”

  “No, Peter. We can’t.” Tears blinded her.

  “Don’t worry about leaving everybody you love, Jessie. You and Jake can continue living in Noah’s Crossing if you want. Tell me what you need. Anything. We’ll work it out.” He looked at her as if he’d do whatever she said.

  She couldn’t stand it. “I’m not all you think I am, Peter.”

  “You’re everything I want.”

  “I wish I was,” she said sadly. “But wishing will never make it true.”

  He shook his head. “What are you talking about?”

  The only way he could understand is if she told him the truth. She tried to figure out what words to use. Words that would shatter his belief in her as a woman and make him look at her with pity.

  She couldn’t do it. She had to get out of here. She got to her feet.

  “Don’t you think I deserve to know what bothers you about me?” Peter stood and handed her his handkerchief.

  She mopped her face with it. “Nothing bothers me about you,” she said honestly.

  “Then why can’t you tell me why you think a relationship between us is impossible? Why can’t you trust me enough to open up?”

  “It’s not a matter of trusting you.”

  “Then what is it a matter of, Jessie?”

  She didn’t want to answer. She wanted so badly to run away. Away from her feelings for him. Away from her lack of courage. Away from the pain of having to voice her biggest disappointment out loud. If only his words didn’t sing through her mind like a beautiful love song. You’ve given me so much, Jessie. It’s no wonder I’ve fallen in love with you.

  Words she’d remember forever, but words he’d said because she hadn’t told him why he couldn’t love her.

  Fighting more tears, shame washed over her. He’d asked her a fair question. When was she going to stop running away from him and give him a fair answer?

  “I…should have told you—” She pressed her fingers to her lips, but she made herself go on. “Something very important. I’m so sorry.”

  He wound his fingers through hers. “Tell me now.”

  Her mind shot back to the pain in Neil’s eyes when she’d told him. Even then, she’d thought they could get through it, get married as planned, adopt babies.

  But the loss was too great for him to overcome.

  Just as it would be too great for Peter.

  I’ve put off telling him too long. Dear God, please help me tell him the truth now.

  She dropped her gaze to their clasped hands, unwilling to watch the admiration in his eyes turn to disappointment and pity. “My injuries…from the accident…I didn’t tell you everything. I…didn’t tell you…I can never have a baby.” Her voice sounded so matter-of-fact. As if her heart wasn’t crumbling in a million tiny pieces.

  He stared at her as if trying to digest what she’d said.

  She saw disappointment in his eyes. She’d expected it and there it was. But why wouldn’t he be disappointed? She gave him a half-hearted smile. “I know how much you want more babies. And you should have them.”

  Without a word, he wrapped her close.

  She reached her arms around his waist, grateful his warmth and strength gave her courage to go on. “That’s why Neil broke off the en
gagement and moved away. Leaving was the only way he could deal with everything. I wasn’t able to deal with it at all. I couldn’t understand why God spared me from my injuries only to take away my future. I never told anyone except Neil and Clarissa.”

  He stroked her back.

  It was as if once she began, she had to tell him everything. “If Clarissa hadn’t come home pregnant and asked me to adopt her baby, I don’t know how I would have survived. But when I watched Jake come into the world and held him when he was only minutes old, I finally knew I’d be okay.”

  He kissed the top of her head, supportive as always.

  But she could hear his heart pounding in his chest, feel the tension in his arms. Her world crashing around her, she backed away.

  He clasped her hand. Pain in his eyes, he shook his head. “I had no idea, Jessie. You’re such a great mother. It’s so unfair.”

  She nodded.

  He squeezed her hand. “Don’t think for one second this changes how I feel about you.”

  “It will when you’ve had time to think about it.”

  “I love you. Whether you can have a baby or not doesn’t matter.”

  Her heart breaking, she held up her hand. “I know you too well to believe that, Peter. Please don’t say any more. Please, leave. I need to be alone.”

  He frowned. “I’m not Neil. I won’t leave you. Don’t shut me out again.”

  She pressed her fingers to her mouth to stifle a sob. “I have to.” Wrenching her hand free, she turned her back on him. She struggled to hold herself together. “Please go. Please, Peter. I need you to leave me alone.”

  He laid his hand on her shoulder.

  She stiffened.

  Heaving a sigh, he took his hand away.

  Finally, she heard him walk down the path. Felt the emptiness because he wasn’t near. The unbearable loneliness. Tears blinding her, she could still see his wonderful, sincere face. Still hear his words as he poured out his heart to her. I think of you always. Of the way you are with our son. About the way I feel every time I see you again. It’s like coming home for the first time in my life.

  How could she be so cruel? He’d never had a home. Never had a family. And he’d believed he’d found one with her.

  She closed her eyes. How could I have done that to him? And how can I get through the evenings if he doesn’t call? The weekends without seeing him?

  I love him, God. He’s become such an important part of my life, how can I let him go? Help me to let him go.

  Swatting away the drone of a mosquito in his ear, Peter paced in the little woods near the gazebo. He’d never felt so out of control of a situation in his life.

  Jessie still huddled on the gazebo bench, hugging her knees, his tux jacket tenting around her.

  He couldn’t leave her. He wanted to help her, but how? She didn’t want his help. She’d sent him away.

  Not that he could blame her.

  How many times had he talked about wanting kids? Lots of kids? To her and just about anybody else who’d listen?

  The idea of being a father had been so new and exciting to him, he’d gotten carried away. Jessie was such a great mother, he’d assumed she wanted a big family. Which, of course, he was sure she did. He closed his eyes against the sharp realization that every time he’d mentioned having kids, he might as well have driven a nail into her heart. How could he have been so dense?

  Because having a bunch of kids was…hypothetical. Wasn’t it? He blew out a breath. Maybe not so hypothetical after all. He wanted kids with Jessie in a very big way. How could he come to terms with never sharing the intimacies of her pregnancy? Of never marveling with her at the miracle of the birth of their child? Would he ever stop regretting they could never share those things? Jessie had never stopped regretting. Now, he understood that special sadness about her.

  His cell vibrated in his pocket.

  He didn’t want to talk to anybody. But he mechanically retrieved his cell and read the ID. Scott? “This is Peter,” he said into the phone.

  “It’s Karen. I’m following an ambulance with Scott inside.”

  He tensed. “What happened?”

  “He can’t breathe.” Her voice trembled. “Oxygen isn’t helping.”

  Adrenaline pumping, Peter shook his head. “I’m on my way. I’ll meet you at the hospital as soon as I can get there.”

  “Thank you. Please drive safely, Peter.” She clicked off.

  Shoving his phone in his pocket, he looked for Jessie. He needed to tell her about Scott. But her hunched figure told him it was all she could do right now to deal with her own problems.

  He had to go, but he couldn’t leave her so upset and alone. With a lingering look at her, he strode to the community center. She needed to be with somebody who loved her, even if she wouldn’t let it be him. He pushed into the noisy commotion and scanned the crowd for Jessie’s parents.

  “Peter? Where’s Jess?”

  He turned to face Maggie.

  She frowned. “What’s wrong?

  “Have you seen Jessie’s parents?” he asked urgently.

  Her eyes widened in alarm. “I’ll take you to them.” She led the way. “Is it Jake?”

  “Jake’s fine. It’s Jessie.”

  “Jess? Where is she?”

  He spotted the Chandlers talking with another couple.

  Max looked up, then said something to his wife. With concern on their faces, they hurried to meet him.

  Shivering despite having Peter’s jacket around her, Jessie hunched in the gazebo, twisting his handkerchief. How could she have been so blind, so self-centered, so stupid to not tell him the truth the second she knew she was attracted to him?

  Now, there was just no way to fix the giant mess she’d made of her own life and the lives of those she loved. The balance they’d worked out with Jake was completely shattered. Peter, Jake and her parents would all suffer because of her cowardice.

  “Oh, Jess… What happened, dear?”

  “Mom?” Fighting through her haze of guilt and regret, Jessie turned to face her mom…dad…and Maggie striding up the gazebo steps like the cavalry.

  Defenses melting in a miserable puddle, Jessie lurched into her mother’s outstretched arms. “I can’t have a baby. The accident…” she sobbed. Unable to stop words spilling over each other in a rush, Jessie’s relief built as she told her parents and Maggie everything she’d been withholding. When she had no more words, her mom guided her to the bench and settled beside her.

  “I’m so sorry, sweetheart.” Taking her hand, her mom looked at her with all the concern Jessie had grown to hate.

  Now she soaked it in like a sponge.

  Grasping Jessie’s hand, Maggie settled on her other side, her face bathed in tears. “That’s why you’ve been so sad.”

  Jessie’s dad knelt in front of her. “Is that why you haven’t dated?”

  Jessie bit her lip. “Any man would have to love Jake, Dad. And if he loved Jake, he’d want his own children, too.”

  Her mom frowned. “Have you told Peter?”

  Peter. Tears filled Jessie’s eyes. She’d never forget the pain on his face. “Yes. Tonight.”

  “Oh.” Mom looked at Dad. “I thought he was upset because—”

  “He asked us to tell you he had to rush back to Madison,” her dad said. “His friend was taken to the hospital.”

  “Oh, no.” Jessie shook her head. Poor Peter. “What happened to Scott?”

  “Peter didn’t elaborate. Just told us you were in the gazebo and you needed us.” Her dad cleared his throat.

  Her heart stuttered. She’d sent Peter away, and even with Scott in trouble, he was trying to take care of her.

  “When you told him,” Maggie narrowed her eyes, “what did he say?”

  “He said it doesn’t matter.”

  Maggie took a quick breath. “Hallelujah. Oh, Jess, I’m so glad he’s turning out to be one of the good ones.”

  “You don’t understand. Having a b
aby matters, Maggie. It matters to me and I know it matters to Peter, whether he says so or not.”

  “Having a baby is a huge deal, Jess,” Maggie said quietly. “What I meant is Peter was supportive when you told him. Maybe the two of you can adopt.”

  “If only it was that simple,” Jessie said.

  Maggie gripped Jessie’s hand hard. “Anything about a baby is never simple, Jess,” she whispered as if she knew.

  But she didn’t know. How could she? She’d never had a baby, and she wouldn’t know how a man felt about the matter either. Jessie looked to her dad. “You wanted your own babies, right, Dad?”

  “Truthfully, I didn’t put much thought into it, Jess.”

  Jessie shook her head. “But being a father is more important to you than any other dad I know.”

  Her mom patted Jessie’s hand. “When your dad graduated from college, he was headed to the naval academy right after summer vacation.” She gave Dad a little smile. “He wanted to test airplanes, the kind that take off and land on a ship.”

  “But I wanted your mother more. We ended up getting pregnant that summer.”

  What? A chill shook her. Shouldn’t she have known this? She frowned at her dad. “You gave up a military career to get married because Mom was pregnant with us?”

  “We loved each other,” Mom said. “I’m sure it’s hard to hear your parents could have used better judgment. But we couldn’t have been more thankful God gave us you and Clarissa.”

  “And being married wouldn’t have stopped me from a career in the military,” her dad explained. “Truth is, I thrived on the risk. But that didn’t seem so important anymore with a baby on the way. Well, two babies, it turned out. I wouldn’t have missed you and Clarissa growing up for the world.”

  Jessie’s heart hurt. “Dad, we were so important to you, you gave up your plans to be a test pilot. You wouldn’t have done that for babies that weren’t your own.”

  Dad frowned, considering her words and apparently unable to refute them. “I think Peter cares too much for you to let it matter that you can’t have a baby.”

  But having a baby mattered. Why couldn’t anybody understand how much it mattered? “He deserves to have his own babies. Why should he settle for less?”