Jordan

by Lindsay Paige

  ***

  THIS IS THE longest day I’ve had in a while at the salon. Skye and I both had bridal parties booked and then several teenage girls walked in, handing me a picture of a celebrity and wanting to look like her. I had the urge to tell them I didn’t have a magic wand. Instead, I cut their hair the best I could to match the photo, but I know it won’t look the same in the morning for them.

  All I want to do is go home and rest. I groan as I reach the back office, remembering my parents are still at my apartment. My back is sore from sleeping on the couch. I can’t ask them to go to a hotel, and they still haven’t told me when they’re leaving. I’m not rushing them out, but I want to sleep in my own bed.

  Once I finish the books, I lock everything and head home. When I reach my car, I see something on the windshield. A ticket? How did I get a ticket and what’s that with it? Once I can get a closer look, there is a gardenia, my favorite flower, with a letter attach to it.

  “Jordan,” I sigh out loud. I don’t even have to look at the letter to know it’s from him. When we dated and all throughout our marriage, Jordan constantly left notes and wrote me letters. He would even mail me postcards while he was on the road with the team. He could always express his feelings better on paper.

  I don’t read the letter. I just throw it into passenger seat, along with my purse and bag. I can’t deal with him right now. I have enough on my plate. Maybe I should call the lawyer again and see if he can rush the paperwork. Jordan is holding on for no reason. I’m not going back to him or our marriage.

  I try not to think about it as I drive home. I crank up the radio, hoping the songs drown my thoughts for a bit. By the time I reach the apartment, I’m wondering if I should read the letter or throw it away.

  When I unlock the door, I make up my mind. I’m not going to read it. I’ll throw it out.

  “Ouch.” I trip over a luggage bag sitting near the door. “Mom! Dad!”

  “What are you yelling for?” Dad asks as he comes out of the bedroom, rolling more luggage behind him.

  Are they leaving?

  “What’s happening here?” I point to the bags.

  “Well…” Dad looks over his shoulder to Mom, who is coming out of the bathroom with her makeup bag.

  “We’re staying with Jordan for a while,” Mom informs me.

  “Wait, what? You’re staying at Jordan’s house?” I must have heard her incorrectly.

  “Jordan invited us to stay with him for a few days. This way, you can get a break from us, and the boys can work on the car.” Mom quickly hugs me and then Dad does too.

  “Oh, hey,” Dad smiles. “Jordan got us tickets to the game tomorrow night. Why don’t you come and hang out with us?”

  My head’s still spinning about them leaving. “I’ll think about it,” I say, even though I know I’m not going.

  And just like that they’re gone.

  “What the hell?” I ask the now empty studio apartment. Even though I wanted some space, I’m a little sad they just left without really talking to me. I mean, they don’t have to tell me every single detail, but a heads up would have been nice.

  I toss everything down onto my coffee table and go into the kitchen to pour myself some wine. After my first sip, I hear my mother in my head, asking if I’ve eaten. She kept hounding me every chance she got, telling me to eat something instead of drinking.

  I sit the glass on the counter. I haven’t eaten today and I should grab something. I grab my purse and rifle through until I find my phone; the letter from Jordan falls onto the floor. I pick it up and inspect my name written on the outside of the envelope. His handwriting looks like chicken scratch, but I’m able to read it with ease.

  “Damn.” My girly side wants to know what he said, and the adult side of me says to leave it alone. I stare at it for another second before ripping it open and reading. I can’t stop the tears at his words. “Damn,” I cuss as I read the letter again. He’s so expressive on paper and there are so many times I wish he would say it to me without me having to read it. Then again, I usually fly off the handle for one reason or another before he can finish. I’ve been known to have a temper, but after Eden…

  I can’t think about her right now. Dealing with Jordan, the divorce, and my parents is enough. I wipe the tears away. I should always put Eden first, but I’ve cried enough tonight.

  “No.” I harshly wipe my cheeks again. Jordan is going to stop this right now. I will not have him confuse me and that’s exactly what he’s doing. I dial his number and wait for him to answer.

  “Why are you dragging this out? The divorce papers will be here soon and I will sign them. Don’t you understand this?” I start in on him right away.

  “I understand it very well. I’m not dragging it out. I’m just not giving up yet.” Jordan has always been hardheaded.

  “Stop it. Just stop. Do I need to hit you upside the head with a baseball bat to make you see? We are over! There is no us or we. We’re not a family, friends, lovers, or anything else!” My voice keeps raising and now I’m pacing.

  “You’re only mad because you read it. The fact that you read it instead of throwing it away shows that there is an us,” he calls me out. Damn it, he thinks he knows me so well.

  “I read it to make sure you didn’t want to change anything in the divorce papers,” I lie. Jordan never goes back on his word.

  “Bullshit. If that were the case, I would have contacted Mr. Armstrong. You read it because you wanted to know what I’d written.”

  “Well…I…shit!” I stammer because I know he’s right. “That doesn’t mean anything.” I stop pacing to yell at him louder through the phone. “You are such a meddler! I bet anything you and my parents are plotting some way to kidnap me and brainwash me in some dungeon. We’re not in love with each other anymore! You’re in love with a girl you met years ago. I’m not her anymore. I’ve changed! I’ve grown up, and I’ve moved on!”

  “No, you haven’t, Heidi!” It’s his turn to holler at me. “Otherwise, you wouldn’t have read it and you wouldn’t have called me to bitch about me doing it. Do you even realize that because of one simple letter, this is the first time you’ve called me since you left? The first time we’ve talked this long since then outside of Mr. Armstrong’s office? And you know what, I’m happy you’re pissed. I hope you stay pissed and get even more pissed off when you find the next one because that is better than nothing.”

  “There is no next one, Jordan. This is over. This is over. I will keep saying it over and over until you understand. I want you to move on. Go on dates and mingle. I’m sure some of those younger guys on the team are single and like strip clubs or whatever.”

  “Do you even care what happens to me? If I die tomorrow, are you going to be happy because I won’t be around to meddle with you getting me out of your life? Because that’s going to have to happen for me to not give you the next one, for me to accept it’s over.”

  I take a deep breath as his words sting my heart. I need to calm down. We were married and we did, at one time, love each other. “I would be sad if anything happened to you. I do care for you, Jordan. We were married for several years and had a child together. We lived through a lot of heartache together. In my heart, there’s a permanent place for you that will always be there. But it’s the not the same feelings they once were.”

  “I don’t know what you want me to say because you don’t want to hear it. I’m not giving up without a fight, but it’s nice to know you are and wish I could do the same.” He uses a calming, yet sarcastic tone now.

  “You are hardheaded.” I pause for a beat. “My parents are on the way there to spend time with you. Will you please make sure Dad doesn’t eat steak every night? His blood pressure is high. And don’t spend twenty-four hours on the car. He isn’t twenty-years-old. He needs to rest.”

  “I know. I would ask if you’re coming with them to the game, but I know that would be useless unless I promised to sign the papers the day I get them o
r something. If you’re happy now that you’ve gone off on me and torn me down, I’m going to get off here to finish putting sheets on the bed for your parents.”

  “Jordan, wait, I’m sorry I yelled. If you promise to sign the papers right away, then I will come to the game tomorrow night. Deal?”

  “No, because I don’t want that to be why you’re there. I’m sure that would count as meddling. Go on a date or go mingle instead.”

  “I…I’m just going to hang up Jordan.” I end the call and feel the tears building up.

  ***

  I CAN’T BELIEVE her. I’m trying to save my marriage and she wants me to go on a date or go to a strip club? I’m thrilled to see her show some emotion other than indifference or something fake. I want to go over there, throw her over my shoulder, and drag her home, kicking and screaming if need be. I’ve had enough of standing by and giving her whatever she wants. I will not stop writing the letters just because she asked. Those are for me just as much as they are for her.

  I’m going to do what’s best for me and that is to win her back.

  Gemma and Sam are excited to be here and spend time with me, but no matter how much attention I give them, it won’t get the conversation with Heidi to stop repeating over and over again in my head.

  Spencer throws the ball to Colby as the runner attempts to reach third base. He catches it a few seconds too late. There’s now someone on first and third. There is only one out. Felix is able to get us another one with the next batter. The next player sends the ball skipping along the ground, allowing a guy to run home, but then, we get our third out at second, thanks to Trent.

  We’re down by two runs, and everyone seems extremely focused today. It’s a little weird though. Tanner and Hector, probably the most talkative guys on the team, are quieter than usual. We should probably mark it down on the calendar because this is a rare occasion.

  My muscles feel tense, and I wish I had taken more time before the game to stretch more. I’m hoping for a win, but will settle for a good matchup at the very least since Gemma and Sam are here. No one likes boring games. So far, we’re doing well, considering the score is close right now.

  The boys seem to regain their usual rowdiness when Tanner hits one into the outfield. Trent is up next, and a grin breaks out on his face when he hits a homerun, bringing Tanner in and allowing us to regain the lead.

  The rest of the innings are pretty crisp and we come away with the W, and my mood lifts just in time for dinner with Gemma and Sam. God, I’m going to hate to lose them.

  It’s been awesome having Heidi’s parents here with me. Especially on a day like today. The anger I felt when Heidi called me has been simmering ever since. I’m tired of her being so stubborn and not seeing as clearly as I do that she still loves me. That phone call with her has definitely made me realize I have a lot of anger inside me.

  Today, though, is about relaxing, and I’m going to try my best to do that. Sam and I are going to work on the car. The garage door is open to let a breeze hopefully blow in here, but if not, we have a few fans going in an attempt to keep it cool.

  Sam tilts his head as he stares at the car. “Have you been working on it without me, Jordan?”

  I shrug. “It’s lonely and quiet in the house.” When I do come out here and work on it without him, I try to do small tasks. The radio is always blasting to cover the silence that haunts me inside.

  He nods in understanding. When we work together, an oldies station is playing in the background. We work in silence for a while. That stupid conversation with Heidi plays in my head again, building and nursing my fury. She’s so selfish. She wants what she wants, everyone else be damned. On top of that, I can’t wrap my head around how she has simply given up on us. How could she do that?

  I move to stand upright and hit my head on the hood of the car. “God damn it!” I curse.

  “Now what did God ever do to you?” Sam asks calmly in that deep voice of his.

  I ignore his comment, rub my head, and lean against the wooden counter. Sam is the closest thing to an actual dad I have. I mean, I have a dad, but we aren’t close. He never really gave advice, told me to suck it up, or taught me how to fix up old cars.

  “I wish I could give up on her,” I confess, hating to mutter the words out loud.

  “No, you don’t.”

  “Yes, I do. It would be easier than this. I’m going to lose her either way, but I just can’t give up, and I wish I could.”

  He doesn’t even bother looking at me, which is fine. I prefer it that way. “You will lose her with that attitude.” I shake my head at him, but since he isn’t looking, he continues, “Do you really think you’ll lose her?”

  “Yeah, it feels like I’m fighting a lost cause.” I push off the counter and duck under the hood to get back to work, needing to do something with my hands. “She called and cussed me out because I left her a letter. She said she’s changed and she has. I don’t know if appealing to the Heidi I knew is going to work. She’s your kid. Make her come home.”

  Sam laughs heartily and I smile. “If it were only that simple.” He takes a deep breath and sobers. “Losing Eden changed her, and until she’s forced to deal with that, the battle is going to be that much harder. We’ve told her we think she’s making a mistake, and that’s about all we can do. Well, Gemma will probably let her hear it more than she wants to.”

  “Do you think I’ll lose her?” I ask after a minute.

  He’s quiet for far longer than I’d like. “Honestly, I don’t know, Jordan. I don’t quite recognize my daughter either. She’s in there somewhere, but it’s down deep.”

  Well, there goes all my hope. Not that I won’t still try like hell, but I think I need to be prepared for what could very well happen. Quietly, I say, “I’ll miss y’all.”

  Sam stands upright, but I keep working. “What are you talking about? We ain’t going anywhere.”

  I shake my head. “If this happens,” I begin, not able to bring myself to say the word, “I’ll lose y’all too.”

  “Jordan,” he starts, but I cut him off.

  “I can’t do it, Sam,” I snap. No way will I be able to survive being around her parents if this divorce happens. It’ll hurt too much. “You’re all fucking delusional if y’all think I’ll survive it and come out of it okay. Heidi wants me to move on and start dating, and I can’t even leave my ring at home,” I continue to rant. “What does she think I’ve being doing all this time? That I’ve been happy without her?

  “She lost Eden and she doesn’t even realize that I not only lost my daughter, I lost my wife, too. Now she wants me to just forget about our life together and end it, and what I want doesn’t fucking matter.”

  Sam doesn’t comment on my outburst, so I glance over at him. “Has Heidi ever seen you angry with her?”

  Confused, I stand and wipe my hands on a rag. “What? Of course she has. We’ve had arguments.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t think so. Not like this anyway. Your ‘arguments,’” I swear he does air quotes, “were more like discussions that got a little heated. You’ve never had major disagreements where you completely opposed what she wanted. And if there was one, she could always talk you into her corner or get a compromise close enough to it because you love her and would do it for her. I think you need to show her you’re pissed off.” He shrugs. “At the very least, it’ll change the pace of things.”

  I laugh. “Because our divorce is boring you, I’ll try to spice things up to make it more entertaining,” I tell him sarcastically. “Now here,” I hand him the tool I’m holding. “You’re slacking, and I’m tired of doing all the work.”

  He takes it and we get back to tinkering with the car. Gemma brings us a glass of water a few times before she goes to see Heidi. It feels nice and normal to work on a car with Sam again.

  “How long are y’all staying?” I ask as we finish up.

  “We just got here, and you’re already thinking of when we’re leaving?”


  “I’m curious is all.”

  Sam takes a deep breath as we walk into the house. “Gemma said we’re not leaving until you two are back together, but who knows? Best I can say is you should plan on having us around for a while.”

  “When are you going to chip in on groceries then?” I ask with a grin.

  He slaps me up the backside of my head. “When we start making as much money as you do.”

  I laugh and leave him behind as I go take a shower to wash all the grime off. Gemma and Sam can stay as long as they want. I’m not going to hurry them away, especially when my time with them could be limited. Maybe Sam is right and I should get all my anger out by writing it down. I just need to be careful not to say something I’ll regret.

  ***

  TO MY WIFE, Heidi,

  I think you’re selfish. Granted, we’re all a little selfish, but these past couple of years, you’ve been very selfish. Our marriage went from a we, from husband and wife, to Heidi, to wife wants, husband gives. I gave and gave and gave. You took and took and took. Look at where that got us. To a divorce only one of us wants, something you expect me to give you without complaint.

  So, yeah, I think you’re selfish. I can even give you an example: you telling me how badly you needed this so I would agree to meet with Mr. Armstrong. It pisses me off that you did that; it pisses me off that it worked.

  I told Sam I wished I could simply give up on us. You drive me crazy, and lately, not in a good way. I feel like by giving you space, you forgot a lot of important details.

  Like how we took vows. For better or for worse. ‘Til death do us part. That doesn’t mean anything to you, though. You want to give up while I break myself to keep us together.

  Like how we planned a life together. But you changed your mind. Forget the house. Forget the husband. Forget the family. Forget being happy.

  Like how we both lost a daughter. It affected us differently, I know. I lost her, too, but the fact remains that you pushed me away when we should have been holding on to grieve together.