Jordan

by Lindsay Paige

  “JJ!” He grins.

  “Oh, come on. Why do I need to be called JJ?”

  “Just testing it out.”

  “Well, don’t.”

  His laughter is cut short when Zoey shouts his name from the house. She sounds stressed. “I’m coming,” he calls back. Hector searches the yard until he finds Sofia and Blake walking toward us. “Sof, a little help?”

  Blake shakes his head, looking very much like the Grumpy we’re familiar with. “She’s pregnant. She doesn’t need to be helping you do anything. I’ll help.”

  “I’m not helpless,” she protests.

  All he says is, “I know,” before walking to the house without waiting for Hector, who quickly follows when Zoey is about to yell for him again. Sofia takes a seat at the picnic table with her back resting against the table and I take a seat as well.

  “How’s it going, Sofia?” Trent asks her.

  She beams him a smile. “Perfectly. Blake’s ready for me to take leave,” she rolls her eyes, “but other than that, life is perfect.” Her hands go to her stomach and I lean forward with my head bowed to avoid looking at her because all I can think about is Heidi.

  “Do you know the sex yet?” he asks, sitting next to her.

  “I wanted it to be a surprise, but Grumpy demanded to know. So, yes, we know.”

  “Well?” he prods when she doesn’t go further.

  “We haven’t told our families. I can’t tell you when my own mother doesn’t know yet.” There’s a pause and then she asks, “Are you okay, Jordan?”

  I turn my head to look at her. “Yeah, I’m fine.” Her gaze isn’t on me though, but it’s close. I glance down to see what’s caught her attention and squeeze my eyes closed when I see that the necklace holding my wedding ring has fallen out from under my shirt. I slip it back in place as I lean back up to see Colby walking our way. Thank god.

  He sits next to me with watchful eyes. “Everything go okay last night?”

  “Depends on who you ask,” I answer.

  “So, good or bad?”

  “Depends on who you ask,” I repeat.

  Colby nods. “Are you pissed at me?”

  “No.”

  “Good. Let’s not have a repeat, okay?”

  I laugh. “No promises.”

  Just then, the back door swings open and Tanner leans out with a damn crown on his head. “The Birthday King demands we eat! C’mon, it’s ready!”

  We all stand, but Trent and Colby walk ahead of Sofia and me. We’re quiet, which isn’t a surprise. We’re almost to the door when Sofia lays a hand on my arm to stop me. Her eyes are watery and trained on where my wedding ring is hidden.

  “I’m sorry for whatever happened.”

  For a moment, all of my memories of an emotional, pregnant Heidi flood my brain. She’d so easily cried at everything, whether it was something happy, funny, sad, or inappropriate. She was an emotional, crying mess, but I loved every second of it. I would hold her in my arms until she stopped. I’d give anything to be able to soothe her now.

  “I just wanted to say I was sorry,” Sofia continues, bringing me out of my memories. “You remind me of Blake sometimes, so I know whatever happened, it’s hard to deal with and is still painful for you. I felt bad, and I had to tell you I was sorry.”

  I remind her of the guy everyone called Grumpy last season? Before I can respond, Blake pokes his head out the door, eyeing me suspiciously when Sofia wipes away a stray tear.

  “Are you okay, Sofia?”

  She gives him a little smile. “I’m fine, Blakey.”

  He holds out his hand, which she takes, and he begins to lead her inside, glaring at me while she walks up the steps. Blake was always one unhappy son-of-a-bitch last season until he started seeing Sofia and his dad was arrested. Am I becoming the team’s new Grumpy?

  The wounds of yesterday’s anniversary on top of everything else happening to make my life fall apart, have me debating leaving. I don’t know if I can walk into a house full of happy people who all have their life in order with the people they love, when I’m trying to deal with losing the things they have. All I really want right now is to be in South Carolina where my daughter and memories of a happier time are.

  A place that is hours upon hours away by car. Unless…

  I catch the door before it closes and step inside. “Sofia, wait.”

  She and Blake turn to face me. I can hear the excited chatter from the dining room.

  “Is there any way I could borrow your dad’s jet and pilot for the night?” Her eyes widen with surprise. I know he has one. I heard Blake and Sofia mention it once because that’s what they took when they went on vacation in the offseason. “Please,” I beg with every ounce of despair I’m feeling. “I can pay the costs.”

  “What the hell do you need a plane for?” Blake asks, still pissed I made her cry.

  I ignore him and touch the hidden ring. Her eyes follow my hand and she nods. “Let me make a call and he can have it ready within an hour.”

  “Thank you so much.”

  We both pull out our cell phones and I text Heidi.

  Me: I’m flying out to see Eden tonight. Will be back before morning. Do you want to come with me?

  She should have the opportunity to go, too. Whether she accepts or not is another story. Either way, I’m going.

  ***

  I CALL SKYE from the car and tell her to take care of the shop. Then I call my parents, tell them I have to leave for a few days, and hang up on them before driving all the way to South Carolina without looking back.

  Walking into the beach house is bittersweet and welcoming at the same time. So many memories and great times flood me. I collapse on the couch and cry myself to sleep.

  The next afternoon when I finally wake up, the sun is blazing into the house. Surprisingly, I feel a bit better as I gaze out onto the beach from the window. I get up and head toward the shower. When I’m finished, I check my phone. I have some missed messages and phone calls, but only one glares at me.

  Jordan: I’m flying out to see Eden tonight. Will be back before morning. Do you want to come with me?

  Do I tell him the truth? Dare I tell him I’m already here? My heart reacts first before my brain can tell it to stop and I type the message.

  Me: I’m already here.

  He sent me the message a couple of hours ago and it’s possible he could already be on his way. Would he leave without me telling him an answer? Hell, I’m here and I didn’t tell him. I drop back on the couch and look around the beach house. I’m guessing Jordan is still paying a maid to come in once a week or so to touch up and dust the place. We didn’t discuss the fees for her in the arbitration. I shrug to no one but myself. I’ll worry about it later.

  I decide to leave my phone at the house and I head out to the small deli down the road and grab something to eat and drink. I don’t know how long I’m staying. I don’t have any additional clothes, but I’d left some in the closet the last time Jordan and I were here.

  After I order the food to go, I head back to the house and walk down to the beach. I don’t carry a blanket or a chair. I sit right down on the sand. I close my eyes and listen to the families around the beach. It’s a beautiful warm day and the breeze of the ocean is the perfect combination of salty and relaxing.

  I remember when Jordan and I bought this house. We had talked about it, but I never attempted to look at places. It was all Jordan. He would show me places, but I didn’t like most of them. Then, he brought me here. I thought he’d just rented it for the week, but our first night in the house, he told me it was ours. I squealed with delight and even jumped on the bed before landing back next to him.

  It was perfect.

  When I open my eyes, I’m staring at the backs of a husband and wife with their small daughter. The little girl can’t be more than five years old and it tugs at my heart. I watch the father stand up and hold her tiny hand as they walk to the water’s edge. For several moments, it’s as if
I’m having a daydream of Jordan doing the same thing with Eden. I picture myself on the blanket snapping pictures of my loving husband and darling baby girl splashing in the water.

  I wipe the tears away, gather my untouched food, and run as fast as I can in the sand back into the house. I slide the patio door shut and lock it as if I’m trying to keep those thoughts away from my reality. I will not think like that. I’m divorcing Jordan. There will not be anymore stupid, girly daydreams about having a family with him because that won’t ever happen.

  I search for my keys and I drive to the one place I want to be the most. I head to Eden.

  The sun is hanging low in the sky as I still sit on the grass staring at the stunning headstone of a perfectly carved angel sleeping on top of the marker. I trace the outline of Eden Michelle Johnson. Jordan added the words: Heaven’s Newest Angel. I can’t even remember picking this headstone out because I was in a zombie-like state. My life for the first six months after her death is a fog to me. I barely left the bed. Jordan had to go play ball, but I remained under the covers and prayed I would wake up from the nightmare.

  I hear a car pulling up on the gravel driveway behind me. My heart knows it’s Jordan. I don’t have to look up. I know.

  The car door slams shut and the footsteps shuffling through the grass comes closer to me. After a second, it stops and then he sits next to me. I can smell his cologne, but I don’t move my eyes from Eden’s stone angel. His knees are bent and he’s resting his arms on them. I’m not sure if he’s waiting for me to talk first or not, but in a strange way, I’m glad he’s here.

  “I’m taking it you’re still the one sending the flowers every week for them to be placed here.” I point to the three long stem roses in front of the grayish stone. He did it when she first passed away, but I figured he’d stopped by now.

  “Yeah. I like knowing there is something pretty here.”

  “I thought you would have stopped by now.” I stop talking for a moment. “Why did you decide to come? I’m here because I’m on the verge of a nervous breakdown.”

  “I don’t know. Between the anniversary and being around the team and their families and everything else, I needed this place.”

  “I did too. I’ve been sitting here for hours.” I suddenly become nervous with him sitting here so close to me. “I figured you would be here soon. I guess you can call it a feeling or whatever. After I saw your text, I just knew.”

  “This was my first stop after renting a car.” We fall back into silence until he finally speaks up again. “Where is your car?”

  “At the salon. The battery or something broke in it and I have a rental until I can find someone to come and fix it. Why? Did you leave another letter on my car?” I’m only half-joking with him. I’m getting accustomed to his letters.

  “Yeah, and I think I was pretty nice this time.” He chuckles. “I’ll look at your car when I get back and see if I can fix it.”

  “You don’t have to, Jordan. I’m sure you have enough going on with the team and traveling.” I can’t keep having him around me all the time. I need to stop relying on him so much.

  “It’s not a big deal. I’ll have time.”

  I’m not going to argue with him. He’s going to come anyway, even if I say not to. “Well, I guess it’ll be fine then. I mean, we still care about each other, right?”

  “Yeah, but it doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things.”

  “I didn’t lie that night when I said there will always be a place in my life for you. It might not be as my husband, but as a person I care for.” We have a past and it will always tie us together no matter what we think.

  “That’s not good enough for me, Heidi.”

  “We can’t be married. We are on different paths. It’s my fault this happened to us. I know deep down it is.” I can’t keep going over this again and again. He needs to understand and move on.

  “If it’s your fault, then why don’t you do something to fix it?” He shakes his head. “I don’t want to argue with you. I just wanted to come see Eden.”

  “It’s why I’m here, too. And I don’t want to argue you either.” I hate arguing with him. I really do. I don’t like it and I know he doesn’t either. We’re both adults and we had an amazing life together, and I will always care for him. “Without you reading too much into this, may I ask you a question?”

  “Go for it.”

  “That first time you came into the shop, did you hit on me because I was hot or just because you were a horn-dog?”

  Jordan laughs. “Both. You’re the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen and I had to have you.”

  “Ah, so you were drunk. I thought you were.” For the first time, in what feels like a long time, I giggle.

  “To this day, I still don’t know what made you give me your name. You should have made me work harder.”

  “You had me at baseball player. No matter how cocky you were, I was going to see you in those damn baseball pants.”

  He laughs and it echoes a bit through the graveyard. “I should have realized that afterward, I guess. And I wasn’t cocky. I had an excess of confidence. There’s a difference.”

  I can’t help the snort. “You’re such a liar. You walked in and you thought you had me in the bag because you had every other woman in that salon falling over you.”

  “No, I walked in and knew I had you because you wanted to fall over me, but resisted. You just needed a little push.”

  “A little push?” He has said it to me more than once in our relationship. I know I need a kick in the pants every once in a while. “I know you know this, but I fell in love with you on the first date. No one pushed me to fall in love with you.”

  “One date and you were mine.” He bumps my shoulder. “See, I had all that confidence because I’m that good.” His grin says it all.

  “Well, you still have a lot charm in you. Your next girlfriend will be a lucky woman.” I can hear my own sadness. Jordan having another woman in his life is still hard for me to think about, but it’s needed.

  “I know you think I’m full of shit and kidding myself, but there’s not going to be a next girlfriend. There’s never going to be anyone else.”

  “So, for the rest of your life, you’re going to continue to chase me and leave notes all around just like you did when we were together? What happens if my…new boyfriend doesn’t like it?” I stammer on the word boyfriend. Would I date again? I assume I would, but I haven’t really thought about it. I’m sure Jordan hasn’t either. Even thinking about it this second makes my stomach turn a bit. Another man who isn’t Jordan? I shake my head hoping to remove the image.

  “No, I’m not going to chase you forever.” His tone is harsh, and I can almost feel his anger. “I’ll stop once we’re officially divorced. I wouldn’t want to ruin your chances of being happy again, even if it’s with someone other than me.”

  I’m stunned. What will my world be like without Jordan in it, chasing me, taunting me, or just being there? “Oh, right. That’s smart because…well, yeah.” I can’t say what I’m really thinking, so I stop talking all together.

  “But there’s always the option of not doing this.”

  The tears fill my eyes quickly, and I sniff. “I have to do this, Jordan. I have to do it for you and me. I wish you could see it from my side. I ruined our lives, and now I have to repair myself. I need to find me again. I can’t do that when I’m around you because you want so much more than I do. You are so full of life. You need to be happy. I can’t drag that away from you.”

  “Don’t say you’re doing this for me. You’re not. You’re doing it for you and you alone. All I want is you. I didn’t realize I was asking for so much more. I get you finding yourself again and all of that, but you’re wrong on everything else. Do I look happy and full of life to you? Because if I do, it’s all fake. The one thing I need to be happy is leaving me and at the end of the day, there’s not a damn thing I can do to stop you.”

  I don�
��t say anything right away and let his words sink in. I know he’s not seeing the big picture right now, but he will. “All I ever wanted to do was not hurt you. I wanted this to be as easy as possible for us both. You have to believe me.”

  “I do.” He looks over at the gravestone. “You’ve been away from me for over a year and things haven’t gotten better. What makes you think a divorce will help? Have you ever stopped to consider that I’m exactly what you need if you would just let me be there? You’ve pushed me away constantly since the moment she died.”

  Jordan is right. However, the divorce will be the best for both of us. I don’t want to part this way. He is too good a man and I don’t want this to end this way. Our lives and relationship means too much to me. I want it to end better than this. “I have an idea, Jordan, but you cannot and I mean must not, read more into it than the words I’m saying, okay?”

  “What’s your idea?”

  “Maybe there might be the tiniest bit of truth to what you said. Maybe. However, maybe we both need a night of normalcy. It would be a change from my other nights. So, how about we say bye to Eden until next time and we grab some dinner together. You know, like old times.”

  Without thinking, he stands and holds out his hand to me. “Let’s go.”

  I follow Jordan to the beach house and we leave his car and take my rental. We head to a small family restaurant, which has the best burgers around. It’s nice to sit and have a meal with him. He tells me all about his teammates and the pranks they play on each other. I tell him all about the girls and the hair salon business. He seems proud of me and it makes me feel good.

  When we finish our meal, we end up parking the car back at the beach house and walking along the beach together, holding hands. It’s comfortable because we’ve done it a hundred times before. It’s something we did when we stayed here in the offseason.

  We take a seat on the sand, still holding each other’s hand and listen to the waves. I love this sound. It’s one of the greatest sounds in the world. The moonlight makes the waves glitter. I close my eyes and inhale the sea salt and I can’t remember when I felt this relaxed.