Loving Lily

by Pamela Ann

  Fuck. I could already see the wheels turning in my father’s brain.

  “Actually, I think I have the perfect person for the job!” my father jovially declared before everyone started plotting the dates and so forth.

  My protests remained unheard as the three carried on planning as if I wasn’t in the room. My patience was thinning, but I knew I had to wait to address Lily until the folks were out the door and driving back to their home in Brentwood.

  The second their sedan disappeared from the driveway, I instantly shut the door and stalked towards Lily, infuriated that she was manipulating the situation. As to what advantage she was trying to seek, I had yet to discover.

  “Have you lost your mind? Do you think this game you’re playing is fucking funny?”

  Her stony demeanor resurfaced. Gone was the sweet, caring woman acting before my parents. She gave me a slashing look and folded her arms underneath her chest.

  “I wasn’t aware I was playing any game, Drake. I just thought your dad really wanted for us all to go, so why not?” she scoffed, baiting me. “Funny how I seem to recall that it was actually you who was getting too close for comfort with your intern.”

  “Oh, now you care about what I do?” I spat at her, the fury I had bottled inside starting to shake out of me, needing confrontation and some fucking answers. “I don’t get you. For almost two months now you’ve completely ignored me, and now you want to go on a five-day vacation with my parents? Are you fucking serious right now?” My head was pulsing. I felt like I was about to explode from being so incensed I couldn’t see straight.

  For weeks, the desperation and helplessness from stopping the train wreck from going farther, distancing us, had been ignored and pushed to the side because I had always thought her pregnancy was making her rash and hormonal. However, as the time had gone on, her treatment of me simply couldn’t be pinned down to being pregnant and hormonal. There were times I actually almost believed she loved treating me like shit.

  When she didn’t respond to my angered words, I took a dive and went all in with it. “Just fucking say it, Lily! Just say what’s been making you treat me like a cold, heartless bitch.”

  “Fuck. You. Drake.”

  “You have! For weeks, you have been fucking with my heart and mind, and yet, you can’t even face me, can you?” I dared her to look me in the eye, but she was bent on being stubborn. “Say it, Lily!”

  “Enough!” she screamed at me, her eyes welling with hot tears. “Enough! I can’t deal with this, especially right now.” She sniffed, making me instantly feel like a total fool. “If you don’t want to go, then don’t. I’ll go with them.” She wiped her tears while barely glancing at me. “You do what you have to do, Drake. Nothing’s stopping you. You’re free to do as you please.”

  My blood ran hot and then cold at the sound of her words.

  “Excuse me?” I hissed, needing her to emphasize where the heck she was heading with this thing. “What are you trying to say, Lil? Just dish it out to me cold like you’ve been doing for weeks now. There’s no need to play coy or act as if you care.”

  Her nostrils flared before shutting me down, hard. “Go drink or whatever it is you do at this time of the night. The door is wide open. Feel free to leave whenever you’re done here.”

  She was circling the issue, but at the end of the day, it came down to the same answer. She was basically telling me she didn’t care what I did anymore. What had happened to the love she had strongly vowed months back? Was her love so fickle she couldn’t even fight with me? Couples tended to fight all the goddamn time, but with her, she didn’t even want to. She basically didn’t do fighting, but headed straight to the noose, killing whatever had bound us in the first place.

  Like I had said before, she was being such a cold, heartless bitch. Oh, the irony. Karma definitely was a sick fuck.

  Chapter 15

  Drake

  I walked out on her that night.

  As much as I hated to say I was a quitter, I just couldn’t face her after she had hurled those words at me. I couldn’t face the terrible fact that my marriage was crumbling so fast it seemed there was no hope of ever fixing it.

  It was like a landslide—with one altercation, everything went down. Marriage wasn’t supposed to be like that. I understood we were new at this, that we had also married way too quickly and didn’t do the normal “dating” thing, but we were better than this. Hell, she was my childhood sweetheart, for crying out loud! How could she easily dismiss us without a fight?

  True, I could be an insufferable bastard at times, although she already knew that about me. So, what had changed? It wasn’t as if I loved her any less. I simply didn’t get how her mind worked. She seemed to be in her own world, weaving her own ideas as to what I had been up to.

  Had she asked straight up if I was cheating, I would have truthfully told her no. Had she inquired if I was interested or considered the thought of cheating at all, I would have told her no. Had she asked if I was fucking Katie, I wouldn’t even blink before giving her a straight answer.

  However, what had she done? She had basically gone around the tricky subject, as if dipping her hands in it would ruin everything.

  Couldn’t she see that everything was slipping so quickly it was hard to reign it back in? There was no stability between us. It was as if we were two lone survivors adrift on the sea, with no hope or sign of rescue. It was appalling how she was going about it, and it was outrageous to see Lily—the woman I had placed on a pedestal—treating me as something to discard. I supposed the saying was true—one could never know the real person behind the smiles unless you married and lived with them.

  From where I was standing, it looked as if she had already given up. It had come from her mouth. Perhaps not the exact words, but she had basically given me the green light to do as I pleased because she didn’t give a fucking damn about what I was getting myself into.

  It had occurred to me to tell someone what was going on in my personal life, but each time I was tempted to talk about it, even to my father, I would refrain from ever referencing trouble in our marriage.

  Like at that very moment, my father had been pressing on the real reasons why I didn’t want to join them, and I wasn’t sure if I should lie or tell him the truth about Lily and I.

  “I don’t much ask of you son…would it be too much to enjoy your old man’s company these days?” my father started saying over the phone, while I took a moment to heave a sigh and pressed the bridge of my nose.

  “Dad—” My argument was lost on me because he decided to interject one of my long lists of excuses as to why I couldn’t go on a damn trip with them.

  “Five short days. It’s not too much to as is it?”

  Old men and their stubbornness, when will it ever change? Hell. What was wrong with my father anyway? I get that he wanted some family time…but he was acting as if he was dying tomorrow and this family trip would be the last one we’d have…unless of course, that’s what he truly believed that’s about to happen…then was it really too much to spend five short days with him? No. Of course it wasn’t. My father was one of the people that pushed me to become the man that I was today, and I wasn’t that selfish of as bastard to deny him this enjoyment if he considered he didn’t have much time in his hands. The last time I saw him, he seemed like he was almost back to his old self…but then I guess it was hard to tell because people could fake looking okay. I should know…I’d been doing it for weeks and I admit, as the days went by, it was getting easier to pretend rather than dealing what the real problem was.

  “All right dad…I’ll go…so please, stop hounding me because I have a company to run yeah?” I conceded, feeling like a fool for putting my foot down that I didn’t want to deal with Lily for those five days but had seriously overlooked my father’s reasoning behind this spontaneous idea of a family vacation.

  My father’s delighted chuckle made me realize how much this trip meant to him. I did the right thing�
�whatever my ill feelings towards my wife…that could wait. My father needed some good old times to remind him that life was good…that it can still be beautiful after the serious scare he had by having a stroke. I supposed that traumatized him somehow though he didn’t openly admit to it. Anyone would be truly shaken from that exhausting ordeal. Though mine was different, after the operation everything seemed to be clear…and my purpose was set after I had seen Lily wearing merely a shirt in the kitchen, looking so lovely that my heart fucking dropped at the sight of her smiling at me.

  I was in love…and I wanted her…so I married her in a heartbeat.

  Playa del Carmen was where we honeymooned…

  I suppose this impending trip would be another memorable thing that will happen there…but this time… I doubt I’d ever want to go back in my family’s vacation home. I wasn’t sure what it was but I had an odd inkling that maybe this will be the last time I’d spend a vacation there with Lily.

  *

  Three days later…

  All four of us were en route to LAX airport with a hired car. Lily and I didn’t really discuss the logistics of how we’re to handle ourselves during this trip, so I was half tense and half expectant that she would do something drastic that would surely raise some concern from my parents. I didn’t want to be mean about it, but come on, pregnant + hormonal overdrive + marriage problem equals catastrophic proportions. Here’s hoping that I’d come out of this adventure intact and in one piece.

  Upon arrival, we then checked in our luggage before going into the private members lounge waiting for our flight to be called before boarding the aircraft.

  She and I were sitting next to each other when the speaker announced our flight. Surprisingly enough, she hadn’t been making any eye contact, mean or otherwise, which in turn caught me off guard since this had been a common occurrence with her. She simply wouldn’t speak but her eyes would speak volumes. But today, it seemed that she was more subdued and more accepting having me around. “Can I carry the purse for you, Lil?”

  Lily considered me a moment before I saw something flicker in her eyes. I wasn’t sure if it was anger or sadness because before I had the chance to read it, she lowered her gaze once more, minding her own business. “If you want to then sure...”

  “I do,” I whispered in a low tone that she alone could hear. “I’m always here to help…in case you had forgotten that.” I hadn’t meant to sound needy and all that sentimental but I felt as if I had to say something to hint the kind of turmoil I’d been in for the past weeks. She all but ignored me then…but maybe having my parents around made her more pliable. And if I were a smart man, I’d exploit this opportunity until she would see the truth…that I hadn’t been cheating on her.

  Had it been that horrible for me to come home a little drunk? For me I saw it as harmless habit, as long as I wasn’t overdoing it…which happened only several times these past weeks. But for Lily…maybe she saw something else. Not to mention the fact that I was still reluctant to speak about the kind of deal I had with Shannon to keep her at bay.

  Maybe in due time…when Lily’s not so caught up with her own emotions; maybe we could discuss the problem together. But as for this moment, it looks like things will remain the same.

  The entire journey to Mexico was indeed a calm one. There were no snide remarks or hissy demands coming from her. It was as if the woman that had tormented me for the past weeks had simply vanished, and replaced her, was this almost-meek woman who kept her feelings in her eyes, sparking fire whenever she thought I wasn’t paying attention. Her eyes were so expressive that I felt somewhat mesmerized by it. They said the eyes were the windows to ones soul, and on some level, I did believe that too. Humans were bounded to lie, it’s in our nature to…so our lips could utter lie after lie. Our bodies could pretend, enslaved by physical pleasures even though our hearts weren’t in it and still, we keep on because we’re wired to be selfish beings. But our eyes…they were a different matter. Those never could hide anything. Not pain. Not anger. Not love. Every emotion could be defined in its depths. It’s an overwhelming thought…but its one I’d be should meticulously watch out for.

  If there was a way to win my wife back…it’s through reading her thoroughly. I shouldn’t pay heed to what she tells me or how her body blatantly rejects even a hint of touch from me…

  I have to believe that somehow, the woman who was genuinely in love with me was in there somewhere.

  And no matter what happens, I’d find a way to draw her out. Someway. Somehow.

  I had five days to accomplish this mission or my marriage would be in the shitters in due time.

  There was no way I’ll allow my child to grow up in a broken home. I wouldn’t wish that upon any child…

  The world was cruel as it was, I didn’t need for it to have psychological issues because it grew up in a broken home. My child will grow up having millions of problems and issues to deal and tackle…but I wish to God mommy and daddy issues wouldn’t be one of them.

  Chapter 16

  Drake

  Nostalgia hit me hard when I first caught sight of the beachfront villa. This place held so many secrets and memories that had shaped me as a man. It was also where I had Lily for the first time…right outside in the patio while she confessed how much she loved me. Asshole that I was at that time, I didn’t want to think about the consequences of what I did…but merely responded to her on a physical level without wanting to deal with my emotions because it was fucking chaotic. I was in my early twenties and my life was just about to start, and I couldn’t for the life of me think of anyone—not even a woman who I had cared so much for ruin that for me.

  It was selfish. Fuck yeah, it was selfish to just walk out on her the next day after taking her virginity but hell—I just couldn’t face her. I just didn’t have it in me nor the capacity to deal with the aftermath of what had occurred between us. Especially not after experiencing something so powerful the night before being in her arms, as I slowly made love to her. It was a cowardly move but I couldn’t chance it. Had I stayed and explained it to her…I’d most likely end up being enslaved by her and the overwhelming feelings that were rushing through me then. Lily evoked powerful emotions out of me even then but I chose to ignore it. And in turn, I chose to ignore her.

  Ignoring her was rather easy. All I had to do back then was be an asshole and everything will go, as I wanted it to be. Even throughout the years I hadn’t seen her, she wasn’t far from my thoughts…she was always there…lingering…waiting to happen.

  A part of me still believed that maybe I was just buying time for myself until I surrendered back to her because I knew, there was no place for me to hide, I’d eventually find myself going back to her.

  And I did—though I didn’t realize it immediately but I somehow found my way to her. I knew the moment I saw her sitting down with my mother in my office; I was royally screwed because I felt a jolt the moment our eyes connected. And no, it wasn’t my penis that jolted but my damn heart. I literally felt each fucking thud against my chest. No woman had ever affected me so greatly that I felt faint and angry at the same time that someone had such effect on me that I almost felt powerless. Her pull towards me was beyond frightening, but as much as I fought it, the attraction fought twice as hard, making it rather impossible to avoid it.

  That very first night upon seeing her for the first time, I hardly slept because my body was so wired and to pumped to get to work the next day and see her beautiful again. I felt like I was high with something and I just wanted to be around her at all times…but God…her reluctance—her blatant rejection of my advances—made me so driven to conquer her all the more. I hadn’t dedicated my life, not even while studying, hell not even with work, to acquire anything more than I had with Lily. She was more than an object of my desires; she literally became this person I had studied, from her wants to dislikes, whenever she blinked or her different kinds of smiles. She also had distinctive frowns—her confused frown, her c
urious frown, her angered frown or this burrowed look she got when she’s trying to concentrate on something. She became an obsession…that I felt like my mind and heart was pulling me in separate directions because my mind was trying to convince me that I was making a fool of myself…and yet my heart was screaming at me to keep on going…that she—Lily Alexander—deserved to be worshipped from head to foot because I had treated her so unfairly and so brashly that it was my way of making amends

  But all of these confusions and redirections of my feelings and wayward thoughts had come to a halt after realizing that she too, could play the game I was playing. That, she, too, could see other men while I was still deciding if she and I should become exclusive. When I saw her with that other man…something dangerous and explosive happened to me that I simply lost it. I was so infuriated that I felt borderline manic.

  I just wanted her…so after that, I tried to fight for her…and had been trying to fight for her since.

  And I will damn make sure that I win her back again. Tonight, operation wooing my wife back was surely in place.

  *

  Lily and I were sharing one of the junior suites since mom and dad took the masters. Though mom insisted we stayed there instead of them, it didn’t feel rightly appropriate to do so. Even though I was a grown man, I still respected them a great deal. And I suppose that will never change.

  “Where do you want me to place your suitcases?” My hands and arms were full upon entering the room. Our eyes clashed for a second before my eyes dropped to her small burgeoning stomach, sending an army of weird feely things in my insides.

  “Just put it by the door, I’ll figure it out in a bit.” She shyly responded before I gave her a curt nod.