by Pamela Ann
Situating her things next beside the door, I started saying, “Okay…but I’ll still get to lift it. I don’t want you lifting anything and ending up straining your back. I don’t want you hurt, Lily.”
“Right. Sure you don’t.” The immediate sarcasm loosened from her tongue.
I guess her play-pretend was beginning to crack her perfect shell that she was starting to become slightly irate. “What are you trying to say, Lil? That I would want to intentionally hurt or to even see you hurt?” There was a fine line between sarcasm and intentional dig at my integrity. I appreciated neither. “Have you forgotten how horrible I felt after I saw you bleeding in the shower?” The sudden reminder of that incident made her pale a little and I did feel bad for blurting it out loud knowing fairly well that it was a sensitive subject to the both of us, but she needed a good reality check and since this was the most recent horrible thing to happen to us, I felt like I needed to say it and address her biting tone with a good example. “You scared the living shit out of me that I was even more scared for you compared to when I was trying to fight for my life in the operating table almost a year ago.” Saying the typical I love you’s wouldn’t work anymore—not in our case since this had gone beyond of out control. She needed to fathom the depth of how much I cared for her. “So don’t say shit like that—I fucking don’t appreciate it—because I care for you more than you think.”
“Okay…” she whispered, giving me a hard, fully intense gaze. “Okay…all of this…” her breath became shaky as she looked around before landing her eyes on me again. “This…whatever this is…will all go away…but you need to come clean. I need to hear you say the truth. It’s been lonely without you but I’d rather stay in here if you’re not willing to come out and tell me what you’re hiding from me. We both know there’s something there so don’t accuse me of hallucinating this whole weird situation.”
Locking my jaws, I stared after her as the seconds ticked by, wondering how to approach the subject as delicately as possible. One that wouldn’t jeopardize what I cherished the most and what I had intended to do. “I’m not cheating on you.” My tone came out harsh, ragged and breathy. “I know you’ve been thinking it—I see it often in your eyes. They’re very accusing…but no…I am not—and I will ever not need to seek pleasure from another woman as long as I’m married to you.”
She made a painful nod, acknowledging but didn’t appear to be convinced from my reasoning. “That’s not enough, Drake. There’s more to the story so don’t you dare try to hide the truth from me.”
“There is more to it. Yes. I admit there’s so much more to it—” I paused, sending her a pleading look. “But I can’t tell you just yet…not yet anyway. When the time is right—I promise you—I won’t withhold a word, I’ll tell you everything, but today’s not that day, Lil…and I’m sorry for that.”
Her face instantly crumbled; shattered by my unwillingness in disclosing something that was so important to her.
Gradually closing the gap between us, I stepped right before her face that I could feel the hotness of her breath and the sadness radiating through her eyes. “Please—I need you to trust me on this.” I begged for the last time, hoping I could reach into her and she could see the kind of struggle I was in. Every night I came home to her. Every day it her and the baby I thought of. In my eyes, I hoped she could see the truth—that my words were merely just that—simple words formed out of my mouth…but my eyes should show her just how much she meant to me.
“I don’t know if I can,” she finally said what seemed to be a stretch of time.
Cupping her face, I persisted. “You can, Lil. I had never been so desperate for you to trust me until now. You can find it in you to trust my word.”
She seemed apprehended. “What if…what if you’re lying to me? How can I be sure you’re not lying to me, Drake?”
“I’m your husband. You should take my word before proven otherwise.” The stab of pain due to her mistrust of me felt like betrayal in the highest order. How could she not know? These things…the small details that a man and woman in love shared between them…that undeniable connection that could be read through their eyes was what I thought I had with Lily. It seemed that I had been wrong on that assumption.
“Give me time to come to terms to this,” she finally whispered as she took my hands off her face before spinning around towards the windows, gazing out in the sea. “The baby will come here before we know it…all I know…is that I can’t go on feeling like this.”
The hints behind her words could go both ways, I just hoped that it would swing in my favor.
“Okay.” I conceded with a heavy heart but with a little flourishing hope that maybe it wasn’t far gone as I feared between us. “If time is what you need, then I’ll give you that…but please, I ask of you not to shut me out. Let me in a little…at least where the baby’s concerned. I would love to be a part of his or her growth too.”
She nodded before facing me. “If you really want to then of course you can. Anyway, do you mind if I unwind before dinner time?”
It was my cue to leave her be. Sighing loudly, I reluctantly retraced my steps towards the door before giving her a final lingering look. “Rest well. I’ll be right outside.” Maybe unwind in my own way in the veranda with a glass of whiskey as I dwelled on chaotic life.
Closing the door in our bedroom, I strolled towards the marbled flooring as I gazed towards the stretch of white sand and the blue Caribbean Sea. The beautiful colorful contrast brought some sense of relief in distressed mind.
How could a perfect life start crumbling in a blink of an eye? This was where it all started…
The very spot where Lily and I entwined our fates and was never again the same after that night. I just hoped that coming here and being here with her wasn’t another sign that we would be ending our relationship here as well.
I had never felt so out of balanced. Like my life was about to hit a wall and I’ll scram to find a way out of this mess. But then again, the wise people would tell me that what I was going through and what I was feeling at the moment…was a thing called marriage.
Chapter 17
Drake
It was half past five in the late afternoon and my parents announced that we were dining out in an hour’s time somewhere in town. They both loved to walk around and see the menus before deciding where to dine. I suppose those two fancied seafood. They always did on their first night here.
“Lil? Are you awake?” I whispered softly upon entering the room. The dark surroundings was only illuminated by the last rays of the sunset, giving me a glimpse of her small frame still fast asleep atop the bed. She still had her clothes from earlier on and it seemed that she simply took her shoes off, not bothering to pull the sheets over her body before taking a nap.
Had I known she was that exhausted, I would’ve left her alone. I’m sure this tense strain and the whole pregnancy was weighing heavily on her. And I so wished that I could be a part of it; share the joy of the impending parenthood that we had been unfortunately robbed months ago.
Stepping closers, I carefully sat at the foot of the bed, watching her breathe and sleep like an angel. She looked so delicate as she placed a hand over her small bump. My hand instantly clenched from trying to fight the urge to touch the growing baby. Maybe tonight…maybe she’ll let me, I thought with a heavy heart before finally realizing that I best wake her up before I think of something that might widen the rift between us…like wanting to kiss her or touch her even. It had been so long since the last time…so long in fact that I could barely remember what it was to be touched by her.
“Lily…” I said her name a tad louder this time around. When she still didn’t wake, much to my eager hand’s joy, I gently reached out to touch her leg, shaking her slowly.
She groaned almost immediately, mumbling something I couldn’t decipher. “Sorry, what were you saying?”
With her eyes closed, she raised an arm to cover her eyes before
saying, “Could you tell your parents that I’ll meet them at the restaurant? You can go with them. It’ll take me a few minutes to get out of bed.”
“Go back to sleep…we can dine whenever you’re ready.” Regretfully, I got to my feet before slipping out of the room as quietly as possible. I remembered their prior conversation between mom and Lily about how drained and lack of energy she’d been getting lately, stating that she could sleep all day if possible. Little bits of information such as this I had to hear her say to other people. Granted my mother wasn’t just any other people, but still, I had no idea what she was going through apart from the pieces she tells me or the ones I overhear her tell someone. It was rather sad, and the more I pondered it, the more intense the sadness weighed on me.
Thinking of happy thoughts, I strolled towards the living room area where both of my parents were enjoying cocktails. Both dressed and set to leave whenever. “Lily’s rather exhausted from the trip. How about you two go along without us? Maybe she and I can go somewhere tonight if she does wake.”
My mom instantly appeared concerned. “Poor thing, as much we’re overjoyed that she’s expecting, it’s obvious that the baby is straining her body.”
Father made an acknowledging nod, thinking the same. “She does look paler than usual. Maybe this vacation was what we all needed after all.”
“She does, doesn’t she?” My mother reiterated, rather grim. “Hannah had the same problem if you recall when she was pregnant with Lily. I suppose it runs in the family.”
I had no idea that some women were more prone to being sick or exhausted while pregnant. It was naïve of me to think that most pregnancies, though they vary, should technically be the same but I suppose it wasn’t. “I’ll take care of her guys, stop fretting and go have dinner yeah?” I had never dared shooed my parents away but tonight, I was doing that.
My mother caught me off guard by placing a kiss on my cheek before embracing me with her whole heart. “I’m proud of you sweetie. I just want you to know that.” She seemed a bit teary-eyed, leaving me perplexed from her sudden sentiment before continuing on saying, “I can see that there’s something going on between you two. You both don’t look at each other like how you lovebirds used to…and that worries me. Whatever it is, Drake…you must put your pride aside because your wife is pregnant. I know it’s hard and she might get on your last nerves most of the time like I did with your father when pregnant with you, but try to exercise patience as much as possible…it’s not easy to carry a life within your body you know.”
“Thanks mom. I’ll very well remember your advice.” I wasn’t sure what troubled me the most. The fact that my mother sensed that there was a rift between us or that Lily and I didn’t look at each other the same. What did that mean?
My father patted my back. “Trust me son—men shouldn’t mess with pregnant ladies. I learned the hard way.”
I was sure he did. Stubborn prick that he was back in the day, I could just imagine how difficult he’d been probably at that time…
Looking at them now, it was rather obvious that they still loved and devoted each other like they were when I was growing up. I was lucky that I had exemplary parents who didn’t easily give up on me. I was shameless growing up, and these two had to put up with a lot of my craziness. The day I had gotten married was probably the day the let a sigh of relief, hoping that it was the end of my shenanigans. They were right on that score, of course.
The second they left, I headed straight to the bar, grabbing a bottle of brandy before strolling towards the veranda, heading towards the beach. The fresh night was settling in with the stars slowly showing above the cloudless luminescent sky. It’s one of those beautiful moments where the last shadows of light before being blanketed by the midnight blue darkness. The sea was calm, barely whispering its waves as it hit the shore before I decided to dig my toes deep into the warm sand, seeking its almost wet coolness as I stared above, feeling no more than a mortal—feeling so little and so fucking helpless at the same time.
“Fuck it!” I muttered before twisting the bottle cap open before guzzling a few gulps of the amber liquid into my mouth before deciding to take a walk around the coast, needing some much needed air to clear my head.
Misery was a wretched company I say.
Losing the sense of time, the moment I felt like I couldn’t go on any longer, I thought it a great idea to rest underneath the coconut tree. Sitting with my ass cushioned by the sand and with my half body resting against the trunk, I shut my eyes and let the alcohol sink into my psyche. I could feel it, making my veins throb as it sped my heart rate. I could also sense the fact that my mind was simply muddied from all the heavy pondering I did before alcohol truly hit me.
What was the crux of our problem? Shannon…or was it because that married couple normally disengage from each other as time went on. The spark could only last for so long, so maybe this was the result of that…that maybe this was simply the outcome of normalcy…that she and I weren’t an exception from that “stagnant” part of marriage.
“Drake?” I could hear Lily’s faint voice coming from somewhere. “Drake, is that you?”
“The one and only,” I replied, thinking that maybe I didn’t go far enough if she had found me so quickly.
With her movements slowly approaching, I heard her say; “I knew I’d find you here…”
Gradually opening one eye to look at her, I threw her a quizzical brow. “Is that so?”
She made a shy nod before looking towards the sea and took a seat a foot away from me. “You always find your way to this coconut tree whenever you’re drunk. I used to follow you around back in the day remember?”
Yes, I did remember. Sad to say that the woman who used to adore and worship the ground I walked on had stopped months ago. “Come here, Lily…” I gestured by tapping the sand next to me, wanting her close. If I could get a whiff of her scent, I’d be happy enough…I just wanted her next to me.
“It’s late...come on. Your parents came back and when they couldn’t find you, I offered to look for you, telling them that I knew where you were. I don’t want them to worry if we take our time heading back to the villa.”
She was full of excuses. She could say it our right if she didn’t want to spend another second with me, there’s no need to circle around it. “You go on right back. I’ll stay on this sweet spot, thank you.” Disconnecting from her gaze, I let my eyes drop to my lap, toying with the bottle and its dwindling contents on the sand, making shapes and letters, feeling at a loss to where my life was going…to the shitter.
“I don’t want to leave you out here…come on, get up. You’re drunk. Maybe you need to sleep this off and you’ll be good as new tomorrow when you wake up.”
The thought of sleep made me want to pull my hair out. Fuck it. Best I give it a go or I won’t ever know. “I’ll go back to the house and sleep if you promise to let me hold you in bed.”
“Are you serious?” I spat back. “You want to have sex? Hell no, Drake!”
Wow. That’s harsh even for her. “Damn. Thanks for letting me know. I’m sure the people that’s around, if they’re out there, could easily tell how much you want me, sweet wife of mine.” Lifting the bottle of brandy, I saluted her. “Good night, Lily Alexander.” Fuck the Tatum. She hated me, there was no denying it anymore.
She growled, pacing in circles as if she wanted to rip her hair out before parking her luscious self before me.
Slowly my hungry eyes took in the delicate dress that I could easily rip by yanking it hard before I noted the fine stems of her legs, gradually heating up as my eyes travelled towards her toned thighs…”God you’re so fucking sexy…” I rasped out with my throat running dry as I reveled of her further more. “This tiny dress is torture…knowing that I can’t have you whenever I want to.”
“Right.” She snorted, rolling her eyes at me. “I’m sure you didn’t have any shortage of that.”
“Does it feel good?” I asked, looking u
p, peeking at her. “Does it feel amazing to make me feel like shit, that you have the power to just fuck me over because I’d done so time and time again over the years?”
She was apoplectic. “Tell me you’re joking?” she screeched at me, making my ears ring a little. “What the fuck do you want from me, Drake? Grow the fuck up!”
“What do I want?” I murmured before gazing at her with no veils, no masks, but simply baring me, myself, nothing more. “Just be my girl again, Lil…” My voice pleaded. “Just for tonight…just be the girl I’m so fucking crazy about. I just need her back even for a few hours.”
“I can’t.” she gave me a saddened smile. “I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve grown up…”
I suppose my request was just too much even for her. It was wishful thinking, to simply transport ourselves to what we were once, in love and crazy with each other. “You’ve thought of leaving me haven’t you?” I blurted out of nowhere, catching her off guard.
She instantaneously tensed, appearing offended by my question. “That’s not fair—you’re drunk—AGAIN!”
There was no need for emphasis about my drunken state. She knew the very reason why I was here drowning my sorrows away. Getting back to the root of the problem, I challenged her. “Why are you avoiding the question?”
“I am not. I just refuse to answer it.”
“Refusing is the same thing as admitting it.” I rapidly quipped back, not willing to let go of my question. It meant too much to me. Well, it meant everything to me.
She fumed. “You want the truth?” she questioned, almost taunting.
My throat constricted as I watched her helplessly. “Yes. I fucking do.”
“Fine.” She grumbled, nostrils flaring as if she was running out of patience. “You win, okay?” her dark eyes sparked fire, ready for battle if need be. “I did think of it…several times actually. So there…happy now?”