by Pamela Ann
What a heartless thing to say after ripping my heart out. Immense loathing, desolation, desperation was just amongst the other things I was feeling. I was consumed by it all. “And?” My eyes hardened as it connected with hers. “You’re on a roll, don’t leave me hanging like this. Keep on going.” It was an invitation to take the proverbial dagger to repeatedly keep stabbing me until I could no longer feel it, until I was numb from her barbed words and painful truths.
She shrugged, oblivious to the kind of hell she unleashed inside me. “I don’t know…this pregnancy makes it difficult for me to fully focus on the problem. I have to think about so many things before making such a major decision that could change everything.” She paused, considering a moment before adding, “I’m not ready for that yet.”
We had come so far and yet not far enough. In fact, it seemed that we didn’t anywhere at all. As hard as it was to get my vocal chords to work again, I pushed myself to get answers because maybe I won’t ever get the chance to do so again. “So are you’re saying…that the second our child is born, you’re leaving me? Is that it?” These were questions and answers one needed all their full undivided attention. Her answers will forever shape me as a man, as a father and what the future held for me.
“I haven’t figured anything out yet, Drake. I don’t know…. I just don’t know anymore.”
Fuck that hurt. Her words felt like it was finality. Well, maybe it was and I should finally admit the bare facts. That there wasn’t an us anymore. “In three month’s time, we’re supposed to be celebrating our one year anniversary. How ironic is that huh?” I was a sentimental fool and it couldn’t be helped. The anguish that was lacerating me into two was unstoppable. I felt every wretched tearing, each fallen dream, every single moments of happiness turned into ashes at a moment’s notice.
“Drake—” she pressed but I interjected.
“Save me the bullshit, Lil. I’m glad you’ve finally told me where you stood.” I hadn’t equipped myself—no, not really—from the devastation of losing the woman I had fought so hard for. As much as the idea of forcing her to stay with me, it left a nasty taste on my tongue. I never forced a woman to be with me and I wasn’t going to start with Lily. As much as it pained—killed me to think of letting her go—if she wished to be parted from me then I could never hold her back. “Because never in a million years did I ever believe that you and I will ever separate. But now that you’ve opened the can of worms, I’m seeing you as what you are—you’re a fucking quitter! Little bumps on the road and you want to leave our marriage? Are you fucking kidding me?”
“Little bumps?” She said the words as if they were toxic on her tongue. She obviously didn’t take my accusations lightly before almost screaming down at me. “You think the last couple of months have been little bumps? Screw you! I’ve cried myself to sleep every night, wondering if tonight was going to be the night you won’t ever come home—”
That was it; I couldn’t take her wrath sitting down while she glowered at me as if I had committed a cardinal sin. “But I did—I came home every single night. Sleeping right beside you even though you’re stiff as board when I’m right next to you, pretending you’re fast asleep! And yet you flinch before I even touch you!” I growled at her, almost spitting at her face. I was so infuriated that I had to clench my fists because I might be tempted to touch her—shake her—kiss her even. And God help me, I was losing my mind arguing to fight our marriage while she refused me at every angle. All the while looking like something so delicious that I could devour in one gulp.
“Why do you think that is, Drake?” she eerily asked, seeming glass-eyed with tears but refused to let them fall. “You come home smelling like alcohol and going MIA for a few hours doing what—maybe screwing Katie or whoever is available to lift their skirts for you. Fuck, maybe you’re fucking all the interns in your company for all I know.”
There you go. She finally said it. I had been waiting for her to say it to my face. It took her this long and with much cajoling to finally utter the damn words. “HUH—I see.” I knew what she was thinking, and yet when she finally said it out right, instead of feeling better, I felt the total opposite. Second ago, I felt hell. This time, she sent me straight to purgatory.
“I’m right aren’t I?” she obviously didn’t want to let this go. Not just yet.
Well, what was there to say? It might’ve been better had I committed the crime she accused me of but I didn’t. But in her eyes, in her heart, she fully believed I did. In fact, she hadn’t looked so sure of herself until tonight. Not wanting to rain on her parade, I let her have the show. All of it. “You already seem to know everything, Lily, I dare not challenge that.”
“That’s all you’ve got to say?”
“Hey, according to you—you already thought of quitting me and just needed the right time and excuse to finally leave me for good.” What a sad realization this was tonight.
“I thought it—yes—but that didn’t mean I was going to do it!”
“How ever you want to word it, Lil…the result is still the same. You’ve betrayed our vows. I don’t think I can get over that—” In the back of my mind, I knew this trip to Mexico wasn’t the greatest of ideas…for me anyway. The moment dad brought it up; I could hear alarm bells ringing. I should’ve listened to the warning. Maybe if I hadn’t gone with them, maybe there was something to be salvaged. Guess I will never know now.
“Drake—”
Cutting her off, I shut her down. “You’ve said enough, Lil. So please, go back and leave me be so I can sulk in my failed marriage.”
She momentarily looked stricken. “Please—”
Gripping the sides of my temples, I looked away, taking a few steps away from her, needing immediate space. “Leave…or I’ll just go somewhere else. I can’t look at you right now.” I blew out a shaky breath, feeling like she had trampled me, threw me under the bus and squashed my heart with her nails until it busted out its blood and gory. “It fucking hurts to even breathe the same air as you do.”
“I’m sorry…I really am.”
So was I, I wanted to say it right back to her but I couldn’t fathom doing so. I was too hurt and too fucked up to even look at her.
The wheels had started turning; there was no going back now, but only forward. And from where I’m standing, the future was beyond bleak.
Chapter 18
Lily
I was still reeling from my confrontation with Drake an hour later. My mind couldn’t wrap around what just happened out there in the beach. All I ever intended to do was to bring him back here and yet much to my shock, it somehow balled into something massive, something that would eternally change us. There was no denying that we were drifting apart and I hadn’t anticipated this kind of raw confrontation, most especially on our first night back in Mexico.
Months of anger and unanswered questions had evidently pushed me to the inevitable. There was no way of erasing that memory, the one where I saw the pain in those beautiful gray eyes I loved so much filled with so much agony. What I had told him tonight…it was the truth, but saying them out loud made it truly real, so real that I could feel the impact of my words right immediately. I hadn’t meant for it to turn out that way. In my mind, I had pictured that we’d confront this problem in the most rational sense and not when he’s drunk and too incoherent to have a serious discussion with.
There was a part of me that believed that he didn’t cheat…but the reasonable side of me had questioned a millionth time that if he truly wasn’t, then what the hell was he hiding then? It had to be something colossal or he’d divulge the secret he’d been guarding for weeks on end. Maybe I should’ve been a little reserved and more accommodating in trying to understand him. Maybe I should’ve listened to my heart instead of my ever-theorizing mind that had simply taken over my life when I wasn’t tending in trying to have a healthy baby. After he had confessed earlier on, I couldn’t help but feel—all of my instincts were in full throttle—telling
me that this involved a woman. A woman he wasn’t prepared to tell me about yet. And the only thing that I could think of that would make him so damn secretive was…Katie Thompson. Because ever since she came into the picture, he had started changing. From last nights and constant state of drunkenness that always never failed to worry me until I could hear his keys opening the door. Only then could I breathe a sigh of relief.
I was so certain that he had been sleeping with someone else that I had mentally prepared for it, for the time where he’d tell me and how gravelly sorry he’d be. What he did today, I wasn’t prepared for. Not only that, more questions had added to my already confused mental state.
Well…did it even matter anymore? I’m sure after tonight…after I had told him that I did consider leaving him…I doubt he’d ever forget it. Nor will he be so forgiving. The real Drake Tatum I knew wouldn’t let those bits of facts go away without repercussions. And on some level, I’m anticipating for what’s to come next.
Checking the time, it was almost past midnight. And from what I could hear, Drake wasn’t back yet. His parent had already retired for the night so the house was quietly still, and any indication of sound could be easily heard throughout the villa because of the marble flooring, making these echoing sound when someone was opening or shutting the doors.
I suppose he was still venting out, or maybe went to one of the bars to scavenge for more alcohol. There was no one to blame for his abruptness but myself. Had I practiced a little self-preservation, maybe this disaster wouldn’t have spiraled so out of control. It was too late to retract any of it. All I could do was brace myself and try to protect my sanity for as long as possible until we could figure out a way how to go from here.
Sliding off the linen rattan sofa in the bedroom, I strode towards the bathroom desperate to take a long warm shower. Lately, showers were one of the main things that seemed to calm me when my stressors were in an all time high. Also, I loved seeing my body slowly transform in the full-length mirror. Every night, I’d pose, twist and turn in all angles just to see how my body’s beautifully changing to accommodate the growing baby inside of me. I wasn’t sure what it was but it sure brought me comfort. I suppose it was one of the only things that seemed to make me smile lately. And in some small miracle, I was grateful that I was pregnant that Drake’s been acting all fishy. Because had I not been, I’d most likely become a hysterical woman, flinging accusations and insults whenever I see him.
I was at fault too, for not readily wiling to talk to him about this. But I learned from my mistakes with him in the very beginning, and that was how he could endure being such an asshole towards me even though it’s apparent that his actions fully hurt me, and yet that doesn’t stop him from repeating his same mistakes. The man had a lot of pride, I just wished that we were past all of those mishaps and he’d finally let me in as his wife, his partner. And whatever it was that was going on in his other life, I just wished he had enough confidence in me to confide the problem, if at all was a problem. What was the point in being married if the two people involved didn’t share each other’s burdens? If he could easily hide things so early in our marriage, later on, he’d have more secrets to hide in his closet. What then? I didn’t want to wait until I so knee-deep being married to him that I’d possibly lose my identity with children vying for my full attention.
“No,” I murmured much to myself. “I won’t that happen.” As much as it hurts me to let him go, I had to do what’s right for the baby and I. If I couldn’t protect it, no one will, not the way I would anyhow. All my life I had all but loved him but it comes to point where I had to choose between my baby or him, and my baby will win no matter what.
People might think it drastic or irrational to easily give up on our marriage. But what kind of marriage would it be if there wasn’t equality or trust? I had lost faith in him the moment I knew he was lying to me. And I just couldn’t fathom that—especially not when it’s a woman he’s trying to hide from me.
But nevertheless, he made a choice and I did mine. We both had our own crosses to bear and I will endure all the sufferings and lashings life will throw at me because as much as I loved Drake, this growing seed had given me abundance of everything I had wished for. And even if Drake won’t be a part of this life, it should suffice.
There was no way I could have it all…
I could though, I acknowledged grimly, if I adjust my take in this situation. The consequences were high and I wasn’t sure I was that selfless to take Drake’s word for it. Sometimes a woman’s got to put her foot down no matter how much it pains her to do so. Mine was my marriage.
*
After basking in an almost thirty-minute shower, I reluctantly shut the jets to shut off the water that warmly cascaded through my body. Sighing, I took the ends of my hair before squeezing the excess water out before plucking the peach-colored fluffy towel to wipe my body down. Haphazardly wrapping it around my body, I was in the process of coming out of the stall when I instantly paused, momentarily shock to find Drake leaning against the black marbled sink donning a blank expression before those vivid stormy gray eyes connected with mine.
My heart rapidly sped up, galloping at an alarming rate as I stood rooted on the spot, while my hands both gripped the ends of the towel hoping it won’t slip south.
Wetting my lips, I was about to ask him if something’s happened when he decided to speak.
“I’ll move in down the hall…in the guest room until you’ve given birth,” he clearly stated without blinking, as if he was repeating something he’d rehearsed beforehand. “I’ll move out of the house after the baby’s born. You can keep Skull since he’s more attached to you now.”
Shit. He was quick to throw me out. I’d half expected him to plea a little, maybe even tell me what truly was going on with him…but for him to easily take on my idea in a matter of hours? Whoa. He worked mighty fast that he was seriously making my head spin. Cautiously, I fully stepped out of the stall and met him face to face, needing to somehow read his face…wanting to find a clue…something that would indicate if he was calling my bluff or if he truly was serious with this. Locked jaws, relentless eyes and his determined stance gave me the answer I reluctantly wanted to find.
This wasn’t a joke. Drake had made a decision and knowing his inflexible streak, he’d stand by this decision even if it killed him. With nothing much to lose any longer, I carried on with his plan. “I have my own place, I’ll just move out—you stay in Malibu. It’s your own home after all.”
Face still and blank, his eyes wielded power, drawing me in to recognize how severe he was about his suggestion. “Don’t argue with me on this, Lil. Let’s just keep it civilized and try to get through the this until the baby’s born.”
“I am and I will. But speaking about this now is pointless. We can revisit this subject when it’s closer to date.” I was a coward because as much bravado I wanted to portray right in front of him, I was dying inside. The reality of what’s to come for us had simply hit me hard that I was almost choking on it.
I had lost the man I had ever loved and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to fight for him or not. Almost an hour ago, I was almost convinced that I was surefire in letting him go, in dissolving our union. But the moment he and I started discussing the rigorous detail of our separation, I was instantly quivering with fear and the pain became all too much, too palpable to bear.
The pulling intensity of his eyes made me well with tears. “Is this really happening? Are we really heading there?” Could marriages be this easily broken? Was my reasoning behind it all was the culmination of our today’s society making mass issues about feminism and how we, the women, could easily do what men could do? That I truly didn’t need him, or any man for that matter, to survive being a new mother? I wasn’t so sure anymore. All I know was that right this moment, I just heard the sound of my heart crack into two.
“Aren’t you going to say anything?” my lips quivered before I reached to wipe a tear that had
escaped while I searched his face, waiting.
“I’m apathetic, Lily. It’s not everyday that I hear the woman I had chosen to be my wife, the woman who was going to be beside me, standing next to me until I was dead and blue, had actually weighed her options as to how to end her marriage with me. So seriously, Lily…what more is there to say?”
Let’s talk? Let’s take a seat and discuss things rationally? Or how about, we had loved each other once maybe we still do but we need to work hard to get to where before? Or maybe…I desperately wanted him to just own up to it, to choose us like how I had always done. It was always him and no one else. Why couldn’t I be the same for him?
Because I wasn’t enough—I wasn’t in denial to the fact that I wasn’t a raving, drop-dead gorgeous beauty that all men fawned over. Sure I was pretty but a knockout? Hardly. So maybe it was just as well…maybe he should flock to the people that was as beautiful as he was, cause seriously, my ego and insecurities could only take so much blows until I’d eventually lose it.
“You’re right…” I shrugged, half wanting to slap him with force and the other half, wanting to cry my eyes out while my fists smashed his chest due to frustration. “Would that be all, Drake?” I arched my brow at him, feeling frail and brave at the same time. “Cause if it is, I need you to leave so I can change, please.”
He didn’t move nor appeared as if he had heard me speak at all. “Did you marry me only to try for another baby?” He croaked, eyes harsh and brutally unforgiving.
Shocked, confusion and hurt from his crucial accusatory tone, I frowned at him. “What makes you think that?”
He shrugged. “The moment you found out you were pregnant, you had fully neglected me—in every sense of the word—and after tonight, I saw the magnitude of how much or little I meant to you.”
“That’s not true.” I vehemently denied. “This all started because of you and your secrets! So don’t put this on me just because you need something to pinpoint and blame for the demise of our relationship.”