She shakes her head, “No, no we need to stop.”
He knew something was wrong by the way she was acting. Letting that little bit of fear wash over him he shifts away from her, “What is it?”
Terrified he had shattered his Angel. “Sam... I didn't mean. . . I'm sorry.”
“No...” she says in a weak quirking voice, “You didn't do anything wrong...It’s not yo...you. It's me.”
He watches her jump to her feet, still confused by what happened only that he fucked up, fucked up big time.
“Please take me home,” she whispers.
Nodding, Jake stands and walks Sam to the car. They remained silent the whole way there, Sam cursing herself for ruining her first experience of being normal, not the "odd" one out; and with a boy who everyone would die to be with.
She watches him from the corner of her eyes, his face focused on the road ahead. His sharp jaw line and Adams apple, icy blue eyes; where had it all gone wrong?
Chapter Nine
Sam sat home alone, curled up on the living room couch watching the latest scary movie “Halloween”, she loved horror movies even when they scared the crap out of her. The sweet scent of apple drifts from the kitchen. Sam loves that smell, it's the smell of freedom. A small ounce of freedom from her fathers’ banishments and loud shouts. She drifts into the kitchen, met with the sight of her mother swaying to her favorite song and leaned over the stove top baking her famous apple pie; a small mug of tea rested beside her.
She swore up and down that no matter what situation and no matter where she is in life she would protect her mother and she is bound and determined to do that very thing, seeing her mother happy and carefree made her happy.
“AHHHH!” Her mother yelps, swinging around and getting startled by Sam, “I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Sorry mama, I didn’t mean to frighten you,” Sam says, grabbing a cup from the counter to pull a glass of water.
Her mother smiles, “How was school?”
“Same ol’, nothing too exciting.”
“Do they have any trips or events going on for the remaining of the year?” Her mother says.
Sam shakes her head, moving to sit on one of the chairs, “There hasn't been anything posted recently so I would assume not.”
“That's a shame,” Her mom says, “Speaking of which, I saw you with that boy out there the other night dropping you off. He is cute!”
Giggly, “He’s just some boy from my class.”
Her mother gives her a knowing look, “Just some boy?”
“The school’s bad boy to be exact. He thinks everything he does is appealing and might I add his self-confidence? Talk about being in love with yourself. He drives me crazy mama.”
“Hmmm,” she mumbles, humming as she pulls her pie from the oven, “that boy fancies you, you know that?”
Sam bursts out laughing, “Me? No, talk about the whole school falling at his leather boots. If the man knew how to keep it in his pants, he might be more interesting.”
Her mother pulls a seat out beside her and speaks to her daughter like any family would; they went over their day; what they want to do for the next few weeks and how life has been treating them. Sam, however, felt it was a good idea to keep out the attempted suicide and mental break downs she sometimes comes across.
Sam misses the days like this when things were back to how they used to be. Her father was once a kind gentleman that cared for his family and was very hard working, but as she got older things started to shift and they ended up where they are now and she wants to be so much more than she is and she never wants her future children to ever fear her, to hide things from her or fear her as she does her own father. Right now, Sam has to focus on surviving herself. Because it’s not the story that is exciting it’s surviving the fall.
“You love him, don’t you?” her mother asks her.
Her eyes widened with surprise for a split second before pulling her shit together, “No, no, no, no; what, who could love a man like that? He is so sure of himself and cocky. He annoys me every chance he gets and ohmygod do not get me started about his smart-ass remarks and that snarky grin. He is SO not worth my time...” her voice patchy as she rushes through it, nervous as hell.
She watches her daughter closely and giggles, she can see the answer without even having to ask, she used to be that little heart-struck girl too.
“Honey, you’re not falling for him,” she pauses, causing Sam to relax slightly before she continued, “You finished falling for the poor boy a long time ago…No, no, no you are not falling for him; because my dear you are already in love.”
Sam’s heart beats in oblivion.
Like a soulful discovery, Sam can’t admit it to herself, could she? She is completely, utterly, and unbelievably in love with Jake Steele and there is nothing that she can do now to stop it. It’s always been something about him, the way he speaks as though she is holding onto every little word and the way he smiles and the way her heart responds.
Maybe, just maybe, it’s the way he moves; the way he casually brushes his shoulder against hers or the way he finds excuses to lean in close to brush his tender lips against her ear.
She shivers at the very thought, feeling her desire pulse to her core - turning a scarlet red.
“It’s okay to feel that way honey," her mother laughs, “love is a crazy thing.”
“I’m not sure I even know what love is.”
“You’ll know,” she replies, taking a bite of her apple pie, savoring the taste, “But if this is something you are feeling, you need to be honest with him.”
How are you supposed to be honest with someone in a situation like this, Sam is unsure of what to do – while a part of her hates him, dreads the interaction and fears the worst outcome – there’s that other part, the part that longs for him to be near her, to endure his comments and his innocent touches, that part of her that loves him.
Sam can’t stop herself from getting angry, “Like how you love my father?”
She gives her a pointed look, “That is different Sam and you know that, we need him right now.”
“Need him?” She stands, her chair falling over, “Mom, what are you going to do, let him hit you and damage us some more to get a week tops away from him every few months? What kind of love is that supposed to be, that is damaged?”
“Sam, I know what you are saying, but right now, we need this. I need you to trust me on this, at least for now.”
She shakes her head, she didn’t mean to snap on her mother but it’s so stupid that she believes that being here is what is best for them, that being put through this day in and day out is how they should live their lives. Sam realizes that her mother wants the security, she wants to make sure that they have a roof over their head and that things will be okay with that. But, she doesn’t realize that it’s never going to end; this is what their life is always going to be like and her father is never going to change his ways.
She is trying to understand the concept between it all, but sometimes it just slips her mind and she does take it out on her mother and sometimes she can’t control that little bit of anger toward her mother for staying; for not protecting herself from his harmful threats and ungrateful lies.
Sighing, she goes over and hugs her mother - slowing her heart rate, she holds her tight.
“I’m sorry mom.”
“It’s okay baby, we just need to get through this together,” she says.
She gives her a small, warm smile, “Always.”
Sometimes you need to face your fears head on with no pause, and no breaks - just push through it and embrace it. Maybe then you can escape the demons that are haunting you. But for Sam, watching her mother love someone that has no compassion, and no selflessness, shakes her to the bone.
She knows that she deserves much more than the life that they have and at times she wishes she could change it, but she knows that right now it’s not something she can do.
Sometimes when
life hands you the knife, you need to take that knife and shove it up life’s ass.
Chapter Ten
It is Saturday morning; she could hear the drip drip of the rain pouring against her bedroom window - soothing. She lays there for what seems like hours, she felt at peace - today she was not afraid to get out of bed and for what was to come. She felt - alive.
Dear Diary,
Thing seem clearer today, I am not afraid to admit that the fear I once felt is no longer there, I am utterly happy and I cannot explain it because I know that life has in store for me and I realize that this feeling is not going to last forever, at some point - this wall of oblivion will shatter, but for now - for now I want to breathe it in an cherish it.
Today, I am going to tell Jake everything. There is no more holding back the underlying truth–I can’t keep pretending that it’s not there, that I don’t feel anything. This last four months, I have been fighting this feeling inside me. I have been lying to him and most of all lying to myself. I am terrified of speaking it out loud, to hear the words because once they are out this is it.
There is no taking them back. Today I am going to bite back the one part of me that I have held onto for so long, - the fear… If I don’t say this out loud, I never will, and Jake will never know how I truly feel about him. What have I got myself into?
Wish me luck!
It’s been a mere four months since Ari paired Jake up with Sam for Biology and she has loved it every minute. After their little incident in the Beach Canyon cave she believed that Jake wouldn’t look at her the same but was surprised when just two days later he showed up at her house, introduced himself to her mother and asked if he could get her permission to take me out, again.
It was so sweet, and she could see the embarrassment in his eyes when her mother squeezed his cheeks telling him he was surely a handsome boy. Sam couldn’t hold back her smile as she bounced down those stairs and straight into his embrace. They have been inseparable since. Every day at School she would meet him out the cafeteria door and by their own little tree surrounded by grass where they would sit and eat their lunch together. Ari would always join them soon after and walk with them to their next period class, Biology.
She never thought that she could be truly happy, that someone could make her feel better about herself within just a few months, but Jake did. He came into her life full force with his smart-ass grin and daring eyes and he tested her limits, got on her nerves and drove her crazy but in his own little ways, he made Sam see life differently. When she is with him, it’s like all of her worries vanish.
He saved her.
Sam met him at the Rocky Waterfall that shimmered a beautiful radiant ray of blue where he wanted her to meet up with her for a date, said it would be a place she would love. It has been three weeks since they have gotten a chance to be alone and Sam was taking it for what it’s worth. Climbing rock over rock she finally reaches a soft patch of dirt, dragging her tired legs the remaining distance. A shadow sits just above the edge, looking over the cliff. . . Jake.
He wore black jeans, his chain resting on the side, having switched out his usual leather jacket for a T-shirt; she couldn’t help but drool over his gorgeousness. She fell in love with him; she fell for all the wrong things. His smart-ass attitude, his cockiness and his danger. She will choose him every time, no matter what - she wouldn’t change a single thing that has happened since meeting him.
She will choose him over and over again, every single second of every day - she will choose him because when no one else did, he somehow chose her. When her world came crashing down, and she felt as though things could never get better, he was the one to show her otherwise.
He knows her like the back of his hand and if only he knew her true feelings, he would see what he has meant to her for so long.
The night Sam confessed her trauma at home, she had never seen him so out of control, so protective of her. It was a huge turn on, but she couldn’t admit that. She practically had to shove him from his car for wanting to kill her father. Jake eventually came to terms with keeping his mouth shut to prevent any further war than necessary on one condition if he ever hit me or my mother again - he wasn’t going to stop until he got what he deserves.
Ari and Jake. . . Who would have known these two numb-nuts would be her support system, crazy right?
When he sees her approaching, he cracks his gorgeous crooked smile and comes over to wrap his arms around her waist as he stands behind her, letting her lean back against him as they look out over the Waterfall.
“Nice of you to show up,” he speaks in her ear, sending shivers up her spine.
“Had to think about it.” Looking over her shoulder at him, she gives him a playful smile, lightly punching his arm.
“Oh, you want to play that way!” He growls, picking her up smoothly and tossing her over his shoulder as she beats at his back laughing uncontrollably as he runs around the campground.
She yells, “Put me down, you ass!”
“Only in your dreams baby.”
He is definitely something else. . . His wit and charm caught Sam by surprise despite his smart-ass attitude and need to be right - he is the most selfless person she has ever met. He took her heart from her without her ever knowing, he took it and boy does he have it. With him she isn’t afraid to be herself, she isn’t afraid to rip off that bandage and let him in because some part of her believes that he would never hurt her, that she could trust him with the remaining whole parts of her heart and not shatter the rest of her.
For this, she knew.
They dance around the yellow and orange burning logs, nestled between piles of rock on the side of nowhere, with the sound of the waterfall in the distance. The smell of washed up waves and dandelions swirl around them. You could almost hear the fish, splatting their fins around as they drift under the layers of the river, the wash of the waterfall and its steady sound.
This is it, this is the moment she comes face to face with one of her fears head on and strong - today is the day that she confesses what she has never been able to before, three simple words, words she could never take back and never wants to. Setting Sam down next to their sprawled-out towel, he falls to his ass patting the space between them. She lies next to him, her head on his shoulder and her leg resting over his as she draws words with her finger on his chest.
“I missed you.” There, easy, something simple
He lifts his eyebrow. “Oh yeah?”
She chews on her lip, sliding her hand under his shirt to feel the light pound of his heart through his chest. This, this is real.
She says, “Maybe, maybe not.”
“Smart ass.”
What about my ass?” She replies, giggling.
“Very funny, missy.”
She takes a breath, not sure how to start or if she really should, but Sam needs to take a chance on something - she needs to open her horizons and stop being afraid to jump and this is her not being afraid.
“Jake,” she starts, slowly her voice shaking slightly as she avoids his eyes.
He replies, “Yes babe?” Running circles over her back with his fingers.
She continues. “I don’t know how to really say this without saying it wrong or fucking it up.”
That's progress.
His finger connects with her chin as he tilts it, so her eyes are on his, those eyes full of understanding, comfort, “Tell me.”
You got this Sam, you always have.
“Jake. . .” Ugh. she thinks, don’t fuck this up, “There are a lot of things that I want to say, that I could say and I want to so much, you don’t understand how much and it kills me that I can’t, but I want, no I need you to know something - something that I have been trying so difficult to say to you and I just couldn’t find the right words.”
She breathes, his eyes never swaying from hers - moments later his nods urging her on.
“I guess what I am trying to say is…” One more steady breath to stop the shak
ing in her voice. “Have you ever thought about is, like our future?”
“Together?”
She says, “Yes, us.”
“As long as you’re in it, I don’t need anything else Sam.”
He could be so sweet, so why is she so afraid to say those three little words?
“Do you mean that?”
He lifts his head, eying her with knowing eyes. “Sam, you’re everything to me and that’s all I need, just you. You’ve changed me somehow. I can’t explain it, but it’s there.”
Smiling, she keeps her head on his chest–letting the silence settle back over them while I stared at the sky, listening to the sound of the waves knock over the rocks. It was peaceful and would love to stay here forever, wrapped in his arms–only him and her against the entire frightening world.
“Jake. . .” she starts slowly, taking a deep breath to calm her raging heart beating through her chest. “I love. . .”
He cuts her off with a sudden shake of the head, his eyes showing his panic before turning emotionless -her mouth instantly closing and her words dying off. He doesn’t touch her as they lay there. It’s like he disappeared. His eyes fixed on the sky, unfocused; she could see the tense in his jaw. Deciding to let it go, she places her head back on his chest, keeping her face low, hiding the emotion on her own face of the interruption, the reaction, until she allows herself to drift off into a peaceful nap.
His body is tense, he responds his voice hard, “You couldn’t possibly love me, Sam.”
“But I do, why are you so scared to let me love you?”
He looks everywhere but at her, “I am not worth loving, I am not the romantic type of guy that you want–I am not going to give you the world at your feet nor will I try, that’s not how this is going to end.”
His words stung, hitting Sam straight through the heart. “You don’t mean that.”
Shattered Echo (The Shattered Echo Series Book 1) Page 7