A Phule and His Money

by Robert Asprin

  "Blackmail!" said Phule. "I won't do it!"

  "As you wish, sir. Unfortunately, they can tie up your assets rather thoroughly pending appeal. Not even Dilithium Express can entirely shield your money from the IRS, although I suspect you'll be able to pay your personal bills."

  "I'll need more than that, if I'm going to keep running the company," said Phule.

  "General Blitzkrieg seems bent on preventing that, sir," Beeker pointed out. "It might be prudent for you to give some thought to counteracting the general's plans, while I'm saving you from the IRS."

  "Believe me, Beeker, I'm trying." Phule paused, then said, "Well, to be honest, keeping me from going bankrupt is of some urgency, as well. But I'm going to leave that in your hands, Beeker."

  "I appreciate your confidence, sir," said Beeker.

  Phule smiled. "It's been well-earned, Beeker. This won't be the first time you've saved my assets."

  Journal #448

  Obtaining my employer's release from house arrest turned out to be easier than anticipated. All that was really necessary was Le Duc Taep petitioning Ambassador Gottesman to allow Phule to attend the opening of the park he had done so much to bring to fruition. The ambassador, recognizing the former rebel leader as a significant player in the Landooran political arena, conveyed to General Blitzkrieg that keeping my employer confined would have undesirable political consequences. Surprisingly, even the Landooran government agreed that preventing him from attending the opening would be excessively cruel punishment for someone not yet proven guilty of anything. That was enough to get my employer his freedom-at least, for the day.

  Le Duc Taep stood looking out a tower window at the customers standing in line outside the park. It was quarter to eight in the morning, and some people had been standing in line since before sunup. A few had even camped out overnight so as to be among the first to enter. They would have camped out longer, except the Legion security guards had made it clear they wouldn't allow them to.

  He looked back at Phule and said, "My compliments, Captain. There have been times I despaired of this park ever opening. Now, we have come to the crowning moment-and look: The people have turned out for us in overwhelming numbers. The triumph of our cause is imminent."

  "Don't get too enthusiastic," said Phule. "We'd have gotten a big crowd for opening day no matter what, with the half-price tickets. Our publicity campaign can't have hurt the crowds-we've beaten the government's pants off in that department. The real test will be how many people we have in line after the novelty wears off." Despite his cautious words, Phule smiled. It was hard not to smile, looking at the lines snaking through the turnstiles, and stretching as far back as the eye could see.

  "I wonder how the lines are for Landoor Park," said Rembrandt.

  "They've got huge lines, too," said Phule. "We think we've done a little better, but it's anybody's guess until we have real numbers. And the day's barely begun."

  "We're still working to build attendance," said Rembrandt. "Our people will be handing out flyers at their exits, offering anyone with a ticket stub from their opening day a half-price ticket for our park, valid for one full year."

  "That's a brilliant idea," said Taep. "Once the park has shown them the superiority of our principles, not many will endorse the government's sleazy operation."

  "I'd hope they keep coming to both parks," said Phule. He put his hand on Taep's shoulder. "It's important for your park to succeed, but it's even more important for all your world's people to do well. And that's going to depend on drawing off-planet visitors. Your people will support the parks, but they can't revive the economy all by themselves. It would be like two men passing a dollar back and forth every few seconds and claiming they were each taking in ten dollars a minute."

  "We're not reduced to that," said Okidata, chuckling at the image. "We'll see how well the off-planet attendance holds up in the long run, but we've got a great start."

  "Well, if Jenny's opening day report gets broadcast widely enough, that'll be a big plus," said Phule, pointing to the reporter and her cameraman, working the crowds. There were other reporters there, too-the press had sensed a good human-interest story. "The only thing better than publicity is free publicity," he said. "I think I'll go down and mingle with the crowd some-I haven't even tried any rides yet."

  "That's the spirit," said Le Duc Taep. "We'll make a proper New Atlantean of you yet!"

  "I'll come with you," said Rembrandt. "I've got to check on our attendance monitors."

  The stairs led down to the park's main street, where groups of tourists were surging forward toward the newly opened rides. Others were more leisurely looking into the souvenir shops along the way.

  Rembrandt stopped outside the door and said, "All right, Captain, I can tell something's eating you. What is it?"

  Phule turned to her and said, "The IRS has decided I owe them some enormous amount in back taxes. I mean to fight it, of course, but that'll take time away from running the company. You may be in charge a lot more-assuming I'm not replaced entirely."

  "Replaced?" Rembrandt stopped in her tracks. "That's going to happen over our dead bodies, Captain!"

  Phule responded with a thin smile. "I appreciate the support, Remmie, but General Blitzkrieg is trying to get rid of me. Knowing him, he'd probably enjoy wiping out the entire company in the process-he considers its very existence a blot on his record."

  "And making it a success is probably a deadly insult," said Rembrandt. The two of them began walking, sharing the street with the ebullient crowds. "The brass hats couldn't make this company effective, but you came in and did it in a couple of years-mainly by scrapping their system. And in the process, showing them up as incompetents who couldn't recognize good legionnaires if they fell over them."

  "Don't say that where the general can hear you," said Phule, smiling. "Actually, as much as I appreciate the compliment, you know as well as I do that everybody in the company deserves the credit. It's a shame it's all going down the drain, now that we've finally accomplished something worthwhile."

  "Sir, I'm going to do my best to make sure it doesn't go down the drain," said Rembrandt. She stopped at the corner of a little cross-street leading off to more shops and attractions. "Why don't you enjoy the fruit of your labors? If this park doesn't cheer you up, we've done something very wrong. I'd stay with you, but I've got work to do."

  "Thanks, Lieutenant," said Phule. "I suggest you take your own advice and enjoy the park, too."

  But Rembrandt was already striding purposefully away.

  Phule strolled around the park soaking up energy from the crowds for most of the morning. He returned to the central offices to have a working lunch with Taep, who had attendance figures for the morning. Both parks had been thronged with patrons, but the best estimates indicated that New Atlantis Park had drawn a larger crowd-so far. The difference seemed to be in the off-planet visitors, a testimony to the effectiveness of Phule's publicity campaign. And the lines outside to buy tickets were still impressive. Phule and Taep drank a champagne toast to the clear-cut success. Phule privately hoped that it could continue on the same scale. It had to.

  He strolled around the park some more after lunch, watching hoards of local children patiently waiting to board rides ("Stop shoving, Abdul! We'll all get on when it's our turn."), and happy riders emerging from the exits of one ride to go immediately to join a line for the next. He ate an ice-cream cone and took his own turn on the Skipper-a ride that gave the illusion of piloting a small boat through rapids, out in the jungle by the rebel camp. It was thoroughly unauthentic, but great fun.

  Finally, despite his worries, he realized he was actually enjoying himself. With a smile, Phule headed back to get the latest attendance figures from Le Duc Taep. But as he entered the little cul-de-sac leading to the park offices a familiar voice addressed him, "About time you got back, Jester."

  It was General Blitzkrieg, rising from a bench outside the park offices, where he'd evidently been waiting
for some time. He shook his finger under Phule's nose and bellowed, "You've outdone yourself, Jester. If this is your notion of following orders, I don't want to see your idea of mutiny."

  Blitzkrieg was literally trembling with anger. Phule had never seen his superior so disturbed. It almost made him hold his tongue. But he knew he had to make one more attempt to make the general see reason.

  "General, I don't think you understand my position," said Phule. He looked around nervously, but this area had nothing to attract the fun-seekers. At least there were no witnesses to the chewing-out he was undoubtedly about to receive.

  "There's not much to understand," said Blitzkrieg, backing him toward a corner. Somewhere in the distance, incongruously, Phule heard a brass band playing. "What's your excuse for aiding and abetting the enemies of the government you were sent to protect?"

  Phule did his best to keep his voice calm. "Sir, I have done no such thing. In fact, I've insured a lasting peace by persuading the rebel forces to adopt a peaceful program instead of trying to overthrow the government. Stamping out the rebels would have pleased the current government-someone tried to push me in that direction by shooting at me when I arrived on-planet. They probably figured I'd blame it on the rebels and send out a punitive expedition. But that would have started a new war-and my orders were to protect the peace."

  The general loomed over him. "You can't make an omelette without breaking a few eggs, Jester. Not recognizing that is your single greatest failing as an officer."

  "I disagree, sir," said Phule. "I can't see how the Legion is hurt by a solution that minimizes the expense of life and property."

  "Minimizes expenses? You gave the rebels millions of credits!" shouted Blitzkrieg. "Now every bandit in the galaxy will be trying to hold us up for business loans!" The general strode forward, backing Phule up against the wall.

  "Sir, I gave them nothing until they had declared an end to the rebellion. Once they agreed to work within the system, it was consistent with my orders for me to offer them a private business loan. After all, a successful businessman is the last person who wants to overthrow the government."

  "That's an excellent point, Captain," said an unfamiliar voice. Phule and General Blitzkrieg turned to face the person who had come out of the park offices; he was an impeccably dressed man with a cleft chin and an ample mane of gray hair, parted in the middle.

  "Ambassador Gottesman!" said the general. He stepped back a pace, so that Phule was no longer cornered. "I didn't know..."

  "That I was listening? Please pardon the eavesdropping," said the ambassador, bowing his head. Then he turned to Phule and smiled. "I came to speak to Le Duc Taep, but I was hoping to find Captain Ph...er, Jester, too. A pleasure to make your acquaintance, Captain. We at State have followed your progress on this assignment with great interest."

  "The pleasure is mine, Ambassador," said Phule, shaking the diplomat's hand. "I hope our progress has been satisfactory as well as, uh, interesting."

  "Amply satisfactory," said Ambassador Gottesman. "No offense to you gentlemen, but we diplomats tend to feel that when we have to send a peacekeeping team in someplace, we're as good as admitting that we've already made a botch of things. The military is rarely our implement of choice. So we're always pleased when the military can find a way to pull the situation back over the event horizon without shooting."

  "Well, sometimes you do have to shoot a few people," the general growled, with a significant glance toward Phule.

  "Oh, no argument with that," said the ambassador, affably. "But it's a lot harder to restore the status quo ante, once you start doing that. We like to exhaust the other options first. Which is why we're impressed with the captain's performance here. Even the government is now admitting that the competition has made their park better. But that's all by the bye-there's other business afoot. If you two gentlemen will join me in a drink, I've got a proposition I think will be of benefit to you both."

  "Yes, sir," said Phule, puzzled. He would have agreed to almost anything that offered a momentary truce with the general. He would have to continue his argument eventually, but now was clearly not the time. He certainly had nothing to lose by listening to the ambassador's proposition.

  The general grumbled his assent as well, although he was obviously skeptical that anything that benefited Phule could be of interest to him. They followed the ambassador down the theme parks's main street to a little bar. The sign over the door read JOE'S JUNGLE JUICE, and the building was decorated to look like a grass but from a jungle-movie set. Children ran by squealing with excitement, heading for the next attraction on their list.

  Inside, the bartender was dressed in camouflage, and the menu was full of fruity concoctions served in glasses shaped like voonga-nut shells. The piped-in music was heavy on percussion. A few other customers, off-planet tourists in newly purchased straw hats, sat at other tables, chattering brightly. Neither Phule nor the general was in the mood for small talk, but the ambassador kept up a well-practiced line of easy banter until the drinks came. Then, after a ritual sip of his Planter's Punch, he folded his hands and leaned forward. "Now, gentlemen, the real reason I'm here has to do with the Zenobians."

  "The Zenobians?" General Blitzkrieg's puzzlement was obvious.

  "Do you mean Flight Leftenant Qual?" said Phule, and he was suddenly even more apprehensive than he'd been when the general was chewing him out.

  "Right-o," said Ambassador Gottesman. "As you know, Qual has been observing your unit as part of his government's decision-making process whether or not to ally with the Federation. Naturally, he's been sending back regular reports all along."

  "He has?" said Phule. "Oh, of course he has-it only makes sense, but he's been such a part of the company that I didn't think of trying to intercept them."

  "I'm not surprised," sneered Blitzkrieg. "This is typical of your slapdash methods."

  "He wouldn't have had much luck at it anyway, old fellow," said the ambassador. "Qual was using some ultrasecret comm equipment their military has developed. I don't understand how it works-of course, that's not my bailiwick-but our tech boys have been on top of it since the beginning. Anyway, we've been able to monitor his messages all along."

  "Oh, that's good," said Phule, looking from the general to the Ambassador, and back again, "At least, I hope it's good..."

  "Well, as you know, Qual came here to make a detailed study of our tactics and ethics. Apparently he's learned a great deal about both by watching your company."

  "I knew it!" said Blitzkrieg, slapping his hand on the table-top. "You've delivered us into the hands of the enemy, Captain! The lizards have stolen all our secrets. I knew you were the kind who'd do anything for a few dollars, but selling out your own species...There'll be a court-martial on this, I guarantee you, and this time you won't get off with a slap on the wrist."

  "General, you're off-target," said the Ambassador, tiredly. "Qual confessed that he found the company's tactics utterly baffling-he said several times that it would be suicide to fight a race so unpredictable."

  "Really?" said the general, sniffing. "Well, perhaps Jester's security breach may not cost us as much as it might have. But I can't exonerate him on that count. These things have a way of changing, once the enemy's had a chance to absorb their stolen knowledge."

  "I know the historical precedents, General," said Ambassador Gottesman, swirling the artificial voonga-nut shell holding his drink. "But you haven't heard the whole story yet. Flight Leftenant Qual's comments on our ethics were even more telling. He told his people that our race is utterly unprincipled, except for loyalty to our friends. He evidently considers this the best possible reason to forge an alliance with us. In fact, we received a formal proposal to that effect just before I was dispatched here. So I think we have the captain to thank for making the alliance possible."

  "To thank?" The general's jaw dropped like a lead weight. "Are you telling me..."

  "I'm pointing out that the captain has done a good deal
to forward our concerns at State-both here on Landoor and in the Zenobian alliance. Some important allies might take it the wrong way if the captain's broad interpretation of his orders were taken as grounds for punishing him, especially in view of how things have turned out. State doesn't like to meddle in the Legion's business, but a word to the wise..."

  "Ambassador, I'm old enough to know better than to spit into the wind," said Blitzkrieg. He picked up his gin and tonic and drained it in a gulp. Then he stood and said, "Since State intends to stick an oar in, we'll let the violations of orders slide-this time. But it would be in the captain's best interests to learn to do things the Legion way. Ambassador, thank you for the drink."

  "You're welcome, General," said Ambassador Gottesman genially. "The Legion will profit by this in the long run."

  Phule watched the general go out the door-a beaded curtain that concealed a low-level force field that kept the cool air inside from escaping-then turned to the ambassador. "Sir, I don't know how to thank you. If there's anything I can do..."

  The ambassador smiled. "Captain, State will take its quid pro quo sooner than you think. In fact..."

  "Excuse me, gentlemen," said an unfamiliar voice.

  Phule and the ambassador looked up to see two humans dressed in identical bad suits: the IRS agents, Peele and Hull. "Why, what a surprise to see you here," Phule said, not meaning a syllable of it. "Somehow, I didn't expect to see you here in New Atlantis Park. I hope you're enjoying yourselves..."

  "Not in the least, Mr. Phule," said Agent Peele, with no trace of humor. "We had been at the park office on business-looking for you, as a matter of fact-and were on our way out when we ran into your superior, General Blitzkrieg. We inquired as to your whereabouts, and he directed us here."

  "A stroke of luck," said the ambassador. "Will you have a seat and join us in a drink?"

  "You know, I think for once I will," said Special Agent Hull, pulling back a chair and plopping herself into it. Peele's mouth fell open; then, shrugging, he pulled back another chair and joined his partner. The ambassador signalled the waiter, and after they'd ordered drinks-unsweetened iced tea for Peele, and a tequila and tonic for Hull-Phule sat back and waited to hear what the IRS agents had to say.