Colder Than Ice

by Maggie Shayne

  “That ghoul poking around Maude’s corpse in the dead of night says otherwise.”

  He averted his eyes almost guiltily. “Who do you suppose she was?”

  “Government,” she said. “Don’t ask.”

  He closed his eyes. “I’m asking.”

  She shook her head. “No. No, I’m not dragging anyone else into this. Sorry, Josh.” She slid out of the bed, took his forearm and tugged him to his feet, then led him to the door. “You were right about one thing, though. I probably will be leaving later this morning. I’m not sure there’s even any point in waiting. I’m not sleeping anyway.”

  She was reaching for the knob, intending to gently escort him into the hallway and then close the door on him, but he stopped as she tugged the door open, put one hand on it and pushed it shut again. “You can’t leave.”

  “I can do whatever I want.”

  “Dammit, Beth—”

  “What? What in the name of hell is there to keep me from walking out of Blackberry right now?”

  “Me.”

  She stared at him for a moment, and then he suddenly clasped her head in his hands and kissed her. It startled her, shocked her right to her toes. At first it was little more than an act of will, but then things changed. The pressure of his mouth against hers eased; the pace slowed. He sucked her lips between his and kissed her for a long time. She felt herself go pliant, like a crayon in the sun, and the next thing she knew, his arms were around her, holding her to him, and she was loving the experience. He was leaning back against the door when she managed to twist her head to one side for air.

  She rested it against his shoulder, breathless. And she whispered, “It’s no great loss, my house being destroyed. Do you want to know why?”

  “I want to know everything about you. Including that. Why, Beth?”

  “Because I don’t count on keeping anything. I don’t invest in anything. I don’t collect anything. I don’t expect anything to last. I’ve lost everything so many times it doesn’t even faze me anymore, Josh. I’ve fallen into the habit of not acquiring anything it would hurt me too much to lose. You understand?”

  He nodded, his hands in her hair. “I understand. I don’t buy it, though. Not entirely. I think it hurt you to lose Maude.”

  She felt a stabbing pain leap into her throat and swallowed it back down by sheer force. “It did. She got past all my defenses, in spite of my best efforts.”

  “Maybe you don’t know it yet, Beth, but so will I.”

  She stepped back a little, speared him with her eyes. “It’s been a long time since I’ve trusted any man enough to let him into my life, Joshua.”

  “Then maybe it’s time you tried.” She started to shake her head, but he caught her cheek with a gentle palm, turned her face toward him, held her eyes with his. “You can trust me, Beth. I swear to God you can.”

  She wanted to, she thought. She wanted to share this burden so much it was killing her. But dammit, she was afraid.

  “Let me help you,” he whispered.

  She tried to resist, but her strength was waning so low that she didn’t have it in her to withstand his persistence. Swallowing hard, she said, “All right.”

  He had never realized what an excellent liar he was until tonight, he thought, as he sat on Beth’s bed, with her curled up in his arms, and listened to her tell him the story she had never told anyone else, the story he thought he had already known.

  “I was sixteen when I ran away from home,” she said. “My stepfather would have raped me eventually. His gropings were escalating, and I knew it was only a matter of time. My mother worshiped him, would never have believed me. And my birth father lost any chance with me when he signed away his parental rights. I said fuck them all and struck out on my own.”

  He listened, wincing a little at her language. He’d never heard her swear like that before. And yet he was riveted. This part of Beth’s history hadn’t been in her files. He realized as he listened that he was holding her gently, stroking her cheek and sometimes her hair as she spoke. The kiss he had intended as a means to keep her close to him, to gain her trust and keep her from running away, had gotten out of hand. Hell, he wasn’t sure what the hell had happened to him, but for a few moments, it had been way more than an act. It had been real.

  “I met this girl on the streets. Jewel. And we heard about a haven for runaway teens in upstate New York. It was run by a group calling itself the Young Believers.”

  This part he knew, but he feigned surprise. “The compound that was raided? Run by that guy Mordecai Young?”

  She nodded. “The one and only. It didn’t take Jewel and me long to realize we were prisoners, not guests. Slave labor for Mordecai’s drug business. Our meals were doped to keep us complacent. So we made nice with him in hopes we could find a chance to escape.”

  “And did it work? Did you get out?”

  “No. I got pregnant.”

  Joshua went stiff. He’d had no clue she’d become pregnant while at the compound. Apparently neither had the government. Or if they had, they were keeping very quiet about it. It hadn’t been in her file.

  “There was something about Mordecai,” she told him, her voice soft, trembling. “Charisma, I guess. He has…there’s a real power to the man. And I was young and naive and half-brainwashed by then. I thought I loved him. Once the baby was born—”

  “Wait a minute, wait a minute. You had Mordecai Young’s child?”

  She nodded. “He named her Sunshine, called her Sunny. Just before the raid, Jewel and I had decided to try to escape with her, but then…well, then hell erupted on earth. The ATF surrounded the compound. Came to rescue us, I suppose. The truth was, they were a gang of badly trained boys who shouldn’t have been set loose with BB guns, much less rifles.”

  Joshua closed his eyes, pain stabbing deep. She couldn’t see him, the way she was leaning on his chest, but she must have heard the hitch in his breathing. She was dead wrong, of course. His comrades had been far from badly trained boys. They’d been brave young men, highly trained, dedicated. Some of the best men he’d ever known. But he couldn’t blame her for harboring bitterness. “Don’t you think that’s a little harsh? I mean…do you think they’d have fired if no one had been shooting at them?”

  “I wasn’t shooting at them,” she whispered. “But that didn’t stop one of the gung ho bastards from ripping my insides apart with a white-hot bullet.” She lifted her head, and her eyes were fierce when they met his. “I swear, if I knew who he was—”

  “What about Mordecai? Shouldn’t your anger be directed at him?”

  “You think it’s not?” She lowered her head again, resting it against him. “We made it to the tunnel in the basement. Mordecai was down there, trying to escape with the baby. But Jewel and I got her away from him just before the floor above us collapsed, all but burying him. I took his key and left him there to die. But I couldn’t make it. I thought I was dying—I very nearly did. So I gave the baby to Jewel, begged her to raise my daughter for me.”

  “And she did?”

  “She did. She did a far better job than I ever could have done, I know that. Dawn—that’s the name Jewel gave her…she’s incredible.”

  He frowned, trying to place the name. Dawn. Hadn’t there been mention of a teenage girl named Dawn in Beth’s dossier?

  “I was found in the rubble, barely alive. I spent months in a coma, and when I emerged, I had no memory. It was years before I remembered my past, and more before I was healthy enough to live on my own.”

  “The medical bills must have been astronomical.”

  She shook her head, as if it didn’t matter. “The government shot me by accident and robbed me of my entire life, including my child. The only child I’ll ever have.”

  “The only—”

  She nodded. “The bullet did a lot of damage.”

  “God.” His voice was tight. Choked. Maybe revealing too much. “I’m so sorry, Beth.”

  “Don’t be. I
t has nothing to do with you.”

  But it had everything to do with him, he thought. And it was far worse than he had ever known.

  “As soon as I was able to, I started trying to find Jewel and my daughter. By the time I did, quite by accident, Dawn was in sixth grade and thriving. I couldn’t bear to butt into their lives and mess things up. So I settled for getting a job as a substitute teacher in Dawny’s school district, so I could see her sometimes. I worked nights on my degree, until I earned it, and by the time Dawn hit high school, I was one of her teachers.”

  That was where he’d read the name. In the report of the incident last year. Dawn was the “student” who had been kidnapped by Mordecai Young. He hadn’t chosen a random girl; he’d abducted his daughter. And Beth hadn’t risked her life to save just any student but her own child.

  “Then Mordecai resurfaced, a year ago,” Beth went on. “Up until then, we all thought he had died in that raid, but he was still alive. He kidnapped Dawn. And I remembered how he used to talk about raising her in this mansion in Virginia. So I went there to get her out.”

  “How?” he asked, staring down at her with a brand-new kind of awe.

  “Walked right up to the front door.”

  “And he let you in?”

  “He thought I’d been killed in the raid, too,” she said. “I convinced him I was still in love with him. Told him I’d thought he was dead and was so glad to see him alive, and that I wanted to pick up where we’d left off, with our plan to raise our baby girl together there in that mansion in the sky.”

  “And he bought it?”

  She nodded. “He bought it. The police arrived, surrounded the place. I talked Mordecai into giving me a gun so we could go down fighting together, the way it was supposed to have been the first time. Then I threw myself into his arms for one last kiss, and I pressed the barrel to his chest. And I pulled the trigger.”

  Josh lowered his head, closed his eyes, a full body shudder working through him.

  “The cops came in about then, Lieutenant Jackson—Jax, to her friends—leading the way. Julie’s husband Sean at her side, wounded and ready to fight. They were all so heroic. So brave.”

  She was the brave one, Joshua thought.

  “Jewel and Dawn and I went back outside with the police. I thought the nightmare was over. But when the cops went back inside for his body, Mordecai was gone. He’d been wearing a bulletproof vest. I didn’t kill him after all. Just made him angry.”

  “I’ll bet you did. So then what happened? You changed your name and moved away?”

  “The government changed my name and moved me away. I’d have stayed, except my presence put Dawn at risk. Mordecai has given up on her. When Julie and Sean got married, one of their gifts was a document, signed by Mordecai, surrendering his parental rights. No one knew how it got there.” She shivered a little. Josh rubbed her arms. “I signed away my parental rights, as well, so Jewel and her husband Sean could adopt her. She’s legally theirs now. But I knew Mordecai would still come after me, and she could get caught in the cross fire, so I agreed to the relocation.”

  “And to do that, you had to give up all contact with your daughter.”

  “Those were my orders.” She shrugged. “But I’ve never been big on following orders. Dawn and I keep in touch. She knows who I am. We’ve become…close. Well, as close as two people who live miles apart can be.”

  “I understand that part of it, believe me.”

  “I know you do.”

  “But couldn’t Mordecai track you down through your contact with Dawn?”

  “Maybe he could.” She shrugged. “The thing is, he’s going to track me down anyway, sooner or later. I’m not willing to cut her out of my life just to put off the inevitable.” She drew a breath, sighed. “That’s all of it, Joshua. I’ve been living here in Blackberry for a year, preparing for the day he would find me. I had just about decided that I wasn’t going to run again. This time, I was going to face him, end this thing, one way or another. But I can’t stay here and confront my past if it’s going to put you or your son at risk. So I’ll go. And I’ll wait for Mordecai in some other town, using some other name.”

  He shook his head slowly. “You don’t know that he’s found you. You can’t be sure of anything. All of this might be coincidence. Maude’s death could have been a simple heart attack. The explosion could have been caused by a gas leak.”

  “And the tooth fairy could pay me a visit before sunrise, Josh, but I’m not counting on it.” She sighed, softened her tone. “I wish I could believe you. I wish I could—but it’s just not worth the risk.”

  He nodded. “I wouldn’t put Bryan at risk for the world,” he said. “But I don’t want to lose you. At least, not without a reason. Just let me do some checking into things. The cause of Maude’s death, the fire inspector’s report on your house. Let’s make sure, just in case.”

  “But, Josh, even if he hasn’t found me yet, that doesn’t mean he won’t. He will. Sooner or later, he will.” She leaned against him to hide her face.

  “And we’ll deal with that when the time comes. I don’t want you to leave. Not yet, Beth. Bryan and I were a mess until you came into our lives. He’s finally starting to come alive again, and I know it’s largely because of you. Jesus, I won’t make it through Maude’s funeral, and I doubt Bryan will, either. Not without your help. Please…”

  She lifted her head from where it rested on his chest, searched his eyes.

  “Please,” he whispered again, and this time, he added a gentle kiss to the word.

  He felt her shiver, then respond, then capitulate. “All right,” she breathed. “I’ll stay…for the funeral. But I can’t promise anything beyond that.”

  “That’s good, Beth. That’s very good.” He turned her in his arms, pulled her closer, stared into her eyes.

  “I said I would stay for now, Josh. Nothing else.”

  He blinked, nodded once. “I guess that’s my cue to get my ass out of your bed, huh?”

  She smiled just a little. “I’m afraid so. I’m just…not ready for anything more. But it feels good to have finally gotten all that stuff off my chest. Thank you, Josh.”

  He stroked a hand over her hair. “Don’t thank me. I’m the one who should be thanking you.”

  “Good night, Josh.”

  “Night.” He left the bedroom, closed the door behind him, wiped the dazed expression off his face and scrunched it up instead. “What the hell am I doing with her?”

  “Now there’s a question for you,” Bryan said.

  Josh looked up fast. His son stood in his open bedroom doorway, arms crossed over his chest, looking for all the world as if he were the parent.

  “What are you doing, Dad? You can’t put the moves on this woman. Come on, after what you did to her? And with her not even knowing?”

  He held up a hand for silence and strode forward, nudging Bryan back into his room and closing the door behind them both. “You wanna keep it down to a dull roar, son?”

  “Hell, no. I’m beginning to think it might be better all around to just tell her the truth. I mean, better than messing with her feelings like that.”

  “How the hell do you know that’s what I was doing?”

  “What, you gonna tell me you’re really falling for her? That all that chivalrous bullshit and whatever else happened in that bedroom wasn’t just part of your precious cover, Dad?”

  Josh lowered his head. “Nothing happened in that bedroom.”

  “Nothing? Not even a few kisses?”

  “Look, Bryan, whether or not I kissed her isn’t relevant here.”

  “You did. You kissed her. I knew it! And it was part of your act. Part of your job.”

  “It wasn’t—” Josh blurted. Then he cut himself off and pushed a hand through his hair.

  Bryan said, “What do you mean, it wasn’t?”

  “Maybe not…one hundred percent.”

  Bryan gaped at him. He gave his head a shake and stare
d hard at his father. “Then it’s even more important to tell her the truth!”

  “No. No, Bry, I don’t want to hear one more word about it. She’s in danger, and I can’t protect her if you blow my cover. I mean it. You keep your promise to me and keep our job to yourself.”

  Bryan rolled his eyes and turned away from his father. “Fine. Just freaking fine. You’re one cold SOB, you know that?”

  “I have to be. And one more thing.”

  “What?” Bryan turned to face him again, his eyes hostile.

  Josh took a breath. “I’ve been thinking, and…I made a mistake, yanking you out of your home the way I did.”

  “Gee, you think?”

  “Give me a break, Bryan. I’m new at this fatherhood game. It’s gonna take some time to pick up all the nuances, okay?”

  Bryan frowned, tipped his head a little to one side. “So what are you saying?”

  “I’m saying that when this case is over and Beth is safe, we’ll go back to California, if that’s what you still want. I’ll find us a place—in Marin County, even—and we’ll live there at least six months out of the year. And you can go to college out there if you want, and still have a home off campus and a connection to your old neighborhood. Okay?”

  Bryan blinked as if Josh had started speaking in tongues. “But your job, the business—”

  “We’ll find a way to make it work.”

  Nodding slowly, Bryan seemed to be probing his father’s soul. “Are you just bribing me to keep me quiet?”

  “Do I need to?”

  Bryan shrugged.

  “Take it however you want, Bry. I’m just trying to fix what I screwed up. Now I’m going to go try to get some sleep, and I suggest you do the same. Okay?”

  His son held his gaze for a long moment, then finally nodded once. “Okay.”

  Bryan took his father’s advice and got some sleep. A good solid two hours of it—before something woke him. Frowning, he opened his eyes, blinking in the dim bedroom. Then he went rigid when something hit the window from the outside. Even as he scrambled out of bed, the sound was repeated. Rapid-fire taps, as if someone were throwing pebbles.