We All Fall Down

by Cynthia Clark

  ‘This is ridiculous.’ Sandra crossed her arms and leaned back in her chair. ‘You’re making me feel like I’m the one under investigation now.’

  ‘No, of course not,’ he said quickly.

  ‘You don’t have anything to hide, do you?’ Dr Burns continued.

  Sandra felt the blood drain from her head. She’d known it was a bad idea to come to this meeting. She should have cancelled when she’d received Bea’s message. She was not ready for this kind of scrutiny. She didn’t want her life to be put under a microscope. What happened back then was in the past, a horrible time in her life that she had tried so hard to forget about. The embarrassment if it came out that they were abused by Miriam. She took a deep breath and pushed her chair back, standing up.

  ‘I’m afraid that I have to go now.’

  She didn’t wait for them to say anything, but turned on her heel and left the room.

  42

  ‘They know what we did.’ Helen’s cheeks were red, her eyes wide open. She was twisting her hands in her lap, stopping every few seconds to push an imaginary strand of hair off her face. ‘They’re going to keep digging until they find proof.’

  Bea looked round and caught John’s eye. He pursed his lips and remained silent, leaning back in his seat, his hands behind his head. Sandra’s face was flushed. She kept biting at her pink-tinged lips and tapping one foot on the plush carpet.

  ‘What are we going to do?’ Helen’s voice was cracking, the pitch higher than usual.

  Bea cleared her throat. ‘Helen, you need to calm down. Freaking out isn’t going to help anyone.’

  Helen stopped wringing her hands together, and remained immobile for a while. Her eyes moved manically from one side to the other, scanning the room, going from one person to the next. ‘How can you say that?’ Her voice was shrill, verging on hysterical. ‘This is going to ruin us. Perhaps you don’t care, but I do. My life is finally falling into place and now, all of a sudden, poof, all gone.’

  ‘Helen, I think we need to discuss this calmly, retain some perspective, try not to blow things out of proportion.’ John’s voice was melodic, calm, soothing.

  But Helen didn’t seem to notice. ‘Do you know what it was like to live with a family that didn’t want me? Think life with Miriam was bad? Abuse isn’t just physical. I would have given anything to have a pan thrown at me instead of the silent treatment, the disdain, the constant reminders that I didn’t belong, that I wasn’t one of them, that they were doing me a favour by taking me in, feeding me, keeping me off the streets.

  ‘I had nothing when they showed me the door. Do you know what it means to have absolutely nothing? I barely had clothes. And yet I managed to go to university on a full scholarship. Why? Because I worked my ass off. I stayed up all night studying, even though I didn’t have the money to buy books, didn’t have a computer. I worked like my life depended on it. Because it did.

  ‘And now, it’s all in the air. One word from that bloody woman and we’re all screwed. Everything gone. Our lives thrown away. Maybe you don’t care. But I do.’

  She sat back in the sofa, her tiny body engulfed by the big cushions. She looked like the air had been knocked out of her.

  Bea glanced towards John. His lips were pursed and he was twirling his glass in his hand, worry etched in the creases lining his forehead. Sandra was looking down at her lap, her hands locked together so tightly that her knuckles had turned white, contrasting against her royal-blue dress.

  ‘You know, life wasn’t great for me either,’ Sandra muttered after a while. ‘My uncle didn’t want me. I was an inconvenience at best, someone who had been thrown at him and he had to deal with. There was no love, no affection.

  ‘And do you know how hard it was to live with the constant teasing about my face? They called me a monster. Because that’s what I looked like. It was horrible. And there was nobody to give me a hug, tell me that everything was going to be all right. I too had to work hard to get the life I wanted. And I too don’t want to lose it. So, please, Helen, get a grip before you do something that puts us all into more jeopardy.’

  Helen’s eyes were wide. Her mouth opened but no words came out. She sat upright in her seat. ‘How dare you blame me? Accuse me of bringing us down? I never wanted to do this, didn’t agree with the plan. It was stupid and I told you all. You just didn’t want to hear.’

  ‘If I remember correctly you didn’t need much convincing,’ John muttered.

  ‘Stop.’ Bea’s voice was harsher than she had planned. ‘Can’t you see what’s happening? We’re fighting among ourselves, trying to get at each other. This is exactly what Miriam would have wanted. Tear us apart, make us turn on one another. This is going to be our downfall.’

  ‘It’s easy for you to say.’ There was an edge to Helen’s voice, verging on bitterness. ‘You had a perfect life. The accident was the blessing you needed.’

  The shrill sound of glass on glass pierced through the silence that followed. John unfurled himself from the sofa and stood up, towering over Helen. ‘How dare you? She lost her brother, for fuck’s sake. We all lost Sebastian. How dare you say the accident was a blessing for Bea?’

  Her eyes stung and Bea blinked rapidly to keep the tears from escaping. ‘It’s OK, I’m sure she didn’t mean it like that.’

  She looked at Helen, searching for any sign of remorse. ‘This was all Sebastian’s idea.’ A lone tear made its way down Helen’s cheek. ‘We should never have listened to him. It was stupid, completely pointless. And now we’re in so much trouble. They’re going to find out and we’re all going to be in jail.’

  ‘You’re getting ahead of yourself.’ John leaned back against the pillows, crossing his legs. ‘They don’t know anything. The police seem to think that Miriam poisoned us. We need to make sure they continue to think that.’

  ‘But how?’ Sandra’s voice was raspy.

  ‘Say nothing, tell them you don’t remember. And if they accuse you, us, of anything, always deny.’ John looked scanned the room. ‘Did you ever tell anyone what happened?’

  ‘Of course not,’ Bea responded, almost indignant that John would have to ask.

  ‘No, never,’ Sandra said.

  ‘Not even your husband?’ Bea asked.

  ‘No, certainly not. He’d never understand. He’s way too prudish. He doesn’t know and it has to stay that way.’

  ‘I never uttered a word.’ John turned to look at Helen. ‘What about you? Did you ever tell anyone?’

  She looked down, her entwined hands burrowed in her lap, turning them round and round. Bea felt a lump form in her throat and her body felt tense.

  ‘Helen, did you tell anyone?’ John repeated, sitting up again.

  ‘I, I…’ she stuttered. Her eyes flitted across the room, her face downturned.

  ‘Helen, what did you do?’ Sandra’s voice was shrill.

  ‘It’s just… It happened a long time ago.’ Helen looked up and Bea could see her eyes glistening with tears. ‘I was so lonely. I’d just moved to university and was struggling. I didn’t know anybody. Whenever I was not in class, I was in the library, studying. I was determined to do well, to climb out of the horrible life that I was in.

  ‘There was this guy, another student. We hit it off. He was a year older, knew his way around campus. Suddenly I wasn’t on my own any more. There was someone to keep me company. It was so nice. I’d forgotten what it was like to have someone else you trust, who seemed to care.

  ‘We started going out, first for a drink after the library, then we’d meet up just to go out. He was amazing.’

  ‘What was his name?’ Sandra asked.

  ‘Andy. One evening I’d had a few drinks. I was telling him all about you, how much I missed you still despite the years that had passed. He asked me whether I’d consider visiting Miriam, said perhaps you lot had done that and it would be a way to track you down. I remember bursting out laughing, telling him that nobody would ever visit Miriam. And then I told him how horr
ible she was, about the abuse, the beatings. And I told him about the poison. I don’t know what got into me, but I needed to get it off my chest, tell someone else.’

  Bea took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. She felt the blood rising to her head. Her ears throbbed, her eyes felt bloodshot. Someone out there knew what they had done. Being careful, keeping their mouths shut, not telling anyone was no longer enough. Helen could be their downfall.

  ‘How could you do that?’ Sandra’s voice cracked and she buried her flawlessly made-up face in her hands, her shoulders shaking uncontrollably. Bea noticed the pearly pink nail polish and felt a stab of jealousy at how perfect she looked, from the shiny hair to the buffed shoes.

  John pivoted on his heels and started to pace again. ‘OK, this isn’t great. But it’s just one person. What are the odds that he’ll say anything, that he’ll even know that all this is going on? Are you still even in touch with him?’

  Helen’s cheeks looked as if they were on fire, the flushed face clashing with her red hair. ‘No, we lost touch a long time ago. But there’s more. He’s a lawyer for the Metropolitan Police.’

  ‘Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God.’ Sandra repeated the words like a mantra. ‘What did you do? How could you do this to us?’

  ‘I’m sorry. I didn’t know it would turn up like this. But he hasn’t said anything in so long, I don’t think he’s going to talk now.’

  ‘But you cannot be sure. We really didn’t need this coincidence, not right now.’ John stood up and walked to the kitchen, refilling his drink, bringing the glass to his mouth and taking a long swig. ‘This puts more pressure on me to find that damned container, make sure I get rid of the evidence. Thanks, Helen, this is exactly what I needed right now!’

  Bea had never seen him so irate. Even when they were growing up, John had been the jovial one, always trying to find the silver lining. ‘What do we do now?’

  ‘Just don’t talk, don’t say anything to anyone. If anyone asks questions, always deny. No, we’re not aware that Miriam, or anyone else, was poisoning us. We never did anything to her. Life in that house was good. Nobody can deflect from that narrative. We just have to hope her bloody friend won’t talk. Our future could depend on it.’

  ‘And what about the psychologist?’ Helen asked. John stopped pacing and sat back down. ‘Stick to the story, focus on the accident, tell her that everything was fine at the house.’

  ‘You haven’t met her yet,’ Sandra interjected. ‘She’s persuasive. Kept asking me about my bruises, why I was so thin.’

  ‘She asked me whether Miriam had a favourite dish that she used to cook often.’ Bea leaned closer and started rubbing Helen’s shoulders.

  ‘Maybe I won’t go in.’ Helen sat up rod-straight. ‘I’ll tell them that I’m too busy, what with the wedding coming up and work being crazy. It’s all true, you know. I don’t really have time to drop everything whenever DCI Hawkins calls.’

  ‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’ Bea let go of Helen and turned around to face her. ‘They’ll think you’re avoiding them because you have something to hide. Just go in, listen to what they have to say, and then tell them what we discussed. Everything was fine in the house, Miriam took care of us. We were happy. That’s it. If they start asking for details, just say you don’t remember. That it’s been too long. You were very young. Don’t try to come up with answers; that’s when we’ll be caught in a lie.’

  ‘I’ll be getting the keys to the house on Monday,’ John said. ‘I’ll sort out that part, get rid of the container. All of you, stick to your story and we’ll weather this.’

  ‘I wish they’d never caught him.’ Helen’s voice was barely a whisper.

  Bea moved away from her, sliding to the other side of the sofa. ‘How can you say that? Don’t you think he should pay for what he did to Sebastian? For injuring us? For splitting us up? He ran away, not even bothering to check what he’d done.’ She stopped to take a breath. ‘It’s easy for you to say. You were barely injured. My leg still hurts all the time. Can you imagine what that’s like? Living with constant pain. I had to relearn how to walk, struggle to even stand up. It was hell. And I had to do it on my own. So, don’t you dare say that you wish they’d never caught him.’

  ‘I… I meant… I just…’ Helen stammered.

  ‘Just man up and stick with what we’ve discussed and we’ll all be OK.’ Bea was still frowning. ‘Don’t veer off course and mess everything up. You’ve already done enough damage.’

  43

  ‘Sophia’s being discharged tomorrow.’ Bea didn’t even have time to say hello before Gemma started talking. ‘She can’t go back home obviously so she’s coming to our house. The doctors have told her to take it easy. We’ll make sure that she’s comfortable here. She’ll have everything she needs. Sean can’t take good care of her at their place; he’s still in pain. We just need to turn the office into a bedroom so that they don’t have to go up and down stairs.’

  The older woman paused and Bea smiled as she thought about history repeating itself. Years later and her first bedroom at the Stones’ house was being transformed for Sophia. ‘That’s a good idea. I’ll come by to help you. How about I come today after work?’ She could use the distraction, something to take her thoughts away from worrying about her future.

  ‘Would you really? That would be amazing. But only if it’s not an inconvenience.’

  ‘No, of course not. I’d love to help.’

  ‘Thank you. We’ve hired someone to get the bed downstairs. Martin’s back has been playing up these days and Alex is in Edinburgh for business. But it would be nice to get some help doing the room up, making it nice and cosy for them.’

  ‘Yes, definitely. I’ll try to sneak out a little early.’

  ‘Only if you can. Although you practically run that company. We’re so proud of you.’

  Bea felt herself flush. Gemma and Martin never held back the compliments but it still made her feel a little uncomfortable.

  ‘It’s only because of your help,’ she muttered. Then, eager to change the subject, she continued: ‘Anything you’d like me to pick up on the way? Some flowers? Chocolates? What about those cupcakes that Sophia loves?’

  ‘Yes, OK, if it doesn’t take you too much out of your way.’

  The two women chatted for a short while longer. Gemma did most of the talking, her excitement at having her daughter back home evident in her higher-pitched tone. Bea used the time to check the train schedule.

  From the corner of her eye Bea saw Laurence approaching. ‘I have to go, finish up here. I’ll see you in a few hours.’ She clicked open a document she had been working on earlier and continued typing, her fingers flying furiously over the keyboard.

  ‘Ugh, just had one of those horrible meetings.’ Laurence pulled a chair from another desk and plonked himself next to her, leaning forward and burying his head in his hands.

  Bea finished the sentence she had been typing, saved the document, then swivelled her chair round to face him. ‘Anything I can do to help?’ She wanted to get back to her work, finish off and leave the office, make sure she had time to pop by the shops before picking up the rental car. She was not going to let Gemma down.

  Laurence’s eyes twinkled mischievously. ‘I could do with a drink. Wanna go to the pub for a liquid lunch?’

  Bea scoffed before she could compose herself. ‘I’d love to but I’m swamped. And I need to leave early today to go help Gemma and Martin. Sophia’s being discharged tomorrow and going to stay with them until she’s fully recovered. Or forever if Gemma has her way.’ She paused, unable to keep the smile off her face. She couldn’t think of Gemma without her heart filling with love. ‘Anyway, Alex is out of town and they need someone to help them get everything organised.’

  ‘Is she OK?’ Laurence straightened up and leaned towards her.

  ‘Yes, looks like it. Just needs to rest.’

  ‘Good, that must have been quite a fright.’ He straightened his lon
g legs and stood up. ‘Leave whenever you need.’ He turned and started heading towards his office. But a few steps in, he turned and walked back towards Bea’s desk. ‘Hey, how about I come with you? They might need help moving furniture and stuff.’

  Bea smiled. He was fun to be around. He’d make the trip less tedious. But not today, it wasn’t appropriate. ‘That’d be nice, but you know we can’t both be away from the office. Nobody will do anything. Especially on a Friday!’

  He pursed his lips in an overly dramatic fashion. ‘Why do you always have to be the voice of reason?’ he asked. ‘Can’t you be irresponsible for once?’

  She longed to tell him how irresponsible she could be. How she went out and drank until she forgot the pain – both physical and emotional. How she woke up some mornings unable to remember what had happened the night before. How she sometimes turned up for work still drunk, barely able to function, and it took every ounce of energy to look as if she were sober. But she couldn’t. She had to act as if she were perfect. As if she had her act together.

  44

  The medication was wearing off and the pain was ramping up. Ronnie Moss moaned. He tried to roll over in bed but the handcuffs stopped him, digging into his wrists. They stopped him from even attempting to get comfortable.

  The doctors had come earlier, told him that he was making great progress, that he was responding better than they’d expected. They’d left and he lay in bed all alone, staring at the ceiling. His thoughts went to his family, to Tanya. He wondered what she was thinking, whether she could ever forgive him.

  For years he had feared that he would be found out. He had tried to remain under the radar, go on with his life, raise his children, be a good person, but he had known, deep in his heart, that he couldn’t get away for ever.

  Often, he’d considered telling Tanya. Confiding in her what had happened that night, why he had been drinking. Not that there was any excuse; he’d long recognised and accepted that. But he wanted her to understand that he wasn’t normally so careless. It had just been a bad day. What he had done was horrible but he hoped that she would forgive him.