Love Happens Here

by Clare Lydon

  Holly raised an eyebrow. “What happened this time?”

  “Let’s see,” I said, spreading my hands. “She tried to sell me life insurance, and then if I bought it — and only if I bought it — she promised me the best orgasm of my life.”

  Holly nearly spat her drink out. “That’s a unique sell,” she laughed.

  “It’s only a matter of time before she’s on The Apprentice,” I replied, exhaling. After what had just happened in the bridal shop, thinking about Max was light relief.

  “You’ve got her number, right?” Holly was smiling her lopsided smile. “Just in case I have a life insurance emergency.”

  “On speed dial, of course.”

  We both smiled at each other.

  “And any more dates in the pipeline?”

  I shook my head. “I’m a bit dated out, to tell you the truth.”

  Holly frowned. “But you’re on a schedule — you’ve got to get a girlfriend by Christmas.”

  I shrugged. “Yeah well, that might have seemed like a good idea initially, but now I’m not so sure. I’m exhausted and not getting anywhere fast, so I might give it a break for a bit. See where life takes me and stop chasing my own tail. I could do with some peace and quiet.”

  “This is a change of pace,” Holly replied. “I thought this was do or die, nobody moves until this project is complete?”

  “It was, but now I’m a bit over it. If it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it’s not the end of the world. I’m cool with it.”

  Holly frowned. “Well I’m not okay with that. You’re going to get a girlfriend by Christmas. It’s my personal mission.”

  I took another sip of my mulled wine and gave her a look. “Have you been drinking already?”

  She giggled slightly. “Only a couple.” Then she put her arm around me and gave me a kiss on the cheek.

  The world always felt like a safer, warmer place with Holly’s arm around me and I was glad that with the likes of Nicola, Jenny and Max in the world, it was Holly I came home to, Holly who was always there to talk.

  I could rely on Holly in ways I could never dream of with anybody else in my life.

  Saturday December 10th

  The following afternoon found me lying on the sofa in the lounge, watching our Christmas tree lights blink on and off, listening to the trains rattle by our window. Sometimes, the noise of the trains drove me insane, but at other times, like today, it was soothing and comforting, providing an order to my day. And I needed order today, because yesterday had been studded with disorder.

  I’d kissed Nicola Sheen while she was trying on her wedding dress. Or had she kissed me? However it happened, I didn’t come out of it covered in anything resembling glory. But it was a one-off — she was marrying Melanie, so I had to let it go. It was just stupid, pre-wedding jitters. After all, this kind of thing happened with brides and grooms all over the world. It’s what stag and hen parties were created for.

  I got up and stood at the window, staring into a train below our window, stuck at a signal. Our flat was close enough that you could see people’s faces, make out the newspaper they were reading. But you never knew what they were thinking, whether they were looking at you, whether or not they could make out the turmoil embedded into my Saturday. To them, I probably just looked like a normal young woman without a care in the world.

  My phone beeped and I grabbed it.

  It was a text from Nicola. Okay, so yesterday could be slotted neatly into the pile marked ‘pre-wedding nerves’. But today? I didn’t know why she was texting me again today. Okay, not 100 per cent true — I had an inkling, but the omens weren’t good. I clicked to find out.

  ‘Working today, but wondered if you fancied meeting after work? A quick chat would be good.’

  Nicola’s texts were always short, sharp and vague. A meet-up. A quick chat. Only things never went quite according to Nicola’s plans, did they? I knew I should say no, of course I did. We’d kissed yesterday and she was getting married in three weeks.

  My plans today had involved going to the gym, then relaxing after my messy week. Nicola hadn’t featured. But then again, I was only going to sit and stew thinking about what had happened, so perhaps meeting up and writing it off would be a good thing? The more I thought about it, the more it made sense. We could talk about it like adults, and put a full stop under it once and for all.

  I texted back after I’d made myself a cup of coffee and was sure of my actions. Nicola passed by the flat on her way home, so I gave her my address and told her to stop by after work.

  I sat down on the sofa, but couldn’t shake the nagging feeling that was sat right beside me.

  By the time Nicola knocked on the door an hour late at 8pm, I’d managed to work myself up into something of a frenzy. I’d spent the afternoon punching bags and lifting weights in the gym, but it didn’t seem to have popped my energy bubble much. At 7.30pm, when Nicola still hadn’t shown, I’d decided alcohol was the answer and had poured myself a large gin and tonic. It had taken the edge off my self-infused frazzle, but only the outer corners. The nerve centre was still strapped around my emotions and was ready to explode at any time.

  I opened the door to a flustered looking Nicola. “Hi,” she said. “I’m so sorry I’m late — paperwork at the station and a bit of a staff issue. I couldn’t get away.”

  My earlier steely resolve melted as she fixed me with her sad eyes and I waved her apology away as if none of it mattered. She was dressed in jeans and a black Fire Dept shirt that accentuated her breasts, and I tried my hardest not to stare for too long. Not quite a full fire uniform, but a hint of one.

  “No problem, come in.” I stood aside and breathed in Nicola’s scent as she walked past me. I could still detect what had drawn me to her all those years ago. Promise.

  I led her through the hallway and into the lounge. “Can I get you a drink?”

  Nicola took in the lounge. “Wow, I’d forgotten how much you like Christmas. It looks like Santa’s grotto in here.”

  I smiled. “Only comes round once a year.”

  “Does your dad still go crazy for it too?” she asked.

  I dropped my eyes to the floor and inhaled. “He did.” I paused. “But he died seven years ago.”

  Nicola’s hand covered her mouth. “Shit — I’m so sorry. I know how close you were.” She took a step towards me, but I waved her away.

  “You weren’t to know — we’ve been out of each other’s lives for a long time.” I fixed her with my gaze, letting the words sink in. “Drink?”

  Nicola licked her lips. “Beer would be great.”

  I took one of Holly’s from the fridge, knowing she wouldn’t thank me for that. Holly was a very generous person, but not when it came to Nicola Sheen.

  We sat at opposite ends of the sofa and eyed each other cautiously.

  Nicola picked at her beer label before speaking. “So, thanks for agreeing to see me.”

  “Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

  The comment hung in the air above us, lit like a neon sign.

  We both knew the answer.

  Nicola shrugged. “Because the other day wasn’t your typical dress fitting.” A train rattled by outside the window and Nicola turned to watch. “Very handy for trains here,” she said, still looking out the window. She turned back to me and our eyes met.

  I felt a rush between my legs. Those eyes.

  She shifted across the sofa so she was sat next to me to emphasise her point. “I just wanted to set things straight. Yesterday was just... nostalgia. It was a mistake, it was my fault and I didn’t want you to get the wrong end of the stick.” She went to touch my arm, then thought better of it. “It’s just been weird seeing you again after all this time, knowing what I felt about you back then, but never acting. It’s been a little confusing.”

  The room swayed around me and I had to put out a hand to steady myself. What she’d felt about me? A small ball of vomit worked its way up my windpipe, but I swallowe
d it down, wincing.

  “What do you mean, how you felt?” I paused. “How did you feel back then?”

  Nicola looked up into the air and sighed. Then she gave a wry laugh, before focusing her gaze back on me. “Scared. Confused. Horny. In love.” She said all of those things and never took her eyes off me for a second. “I couldn’t put a name to any of it back then, but looking back, that’s what it was.”

  “In love?” I could hardly believe my ears. She’d felt it too. Deep down, I knew she had.

  She nodded, and took my hand. “Looking back, yes.”

  Her thumb moved slowly across my palm.

  I breathed in sharply.

  Nicola Sheen had been in love with me, and I had been in love with Nicola Sheen.

  It was the sweetest and cruellest blow of them all.

  And now it was too late.

  I shook my head and gave a rueful smile. “But you ran. You just ran.” I reached for her hand.

  We both stared at her hand in mine. What might have happened? What might have become of us if we’d taken the path less travelled?

  That was then, and back then, Nicola had chosen path B and run like the wind. Cut to today and we were at another junction. Which way were things going to go this time?

  Her mouth closing in on mine told me the answer. Within seconds, her hot, firm body was pressing into mine and my pent up energy suddenly had somewhere to go. Then Nicola’s tongue was back inside my mouth, but unlike yesterday’s slow, sensual probing, this time, there was raw urgency about it. This was ten years of emotion and what-ifs pressing into me, asking questions that couldn’t possibly be answered.

  My body was responding to everything Nicola was doing — pressing, grinding, wanting. I’d gone into cruise control, my moral compass covered with a blanket, my mind gone fishing. This felt wrong, but oh so right. When Nicola Sheen’s hand worked its way under my top and cupped my breast, I let out a groan of sexual frustration that was raw and unpolished. I was collapsing into her right there.

  Encouraged, she undid the button on my trousers and slipped her hand inside.

  I stopped breathing.

  I couldn’t let this happen — not this way. I wanted to sleep with Nicola Sheen more than she would ever know, but not like this, not a quickie on my sofa. And not when she was engaged to my friend. It was so tempting, but...

  Her fingers were so close, and it took every ounce of self-control I had to grab her arm and pull away, even though my pelvis betrayed me and pushed forward.

  She stopped and opened her eyes.

  We froze in time, suspended together.

  Another train rattled by outside, and to my left, I saw our Christmas tree lights watching, blinking in disbelief.

  “I can’t,” I whispered. I didn’t mean it, but it couldn’t be any other way. “Not like this.”

  She crinkled her eyes, pain radiating from her. “I thought—”

  I shook my head. “—Not like this,” I repeated. “I can’t do this with you now. You’re not available.”

  She pulled her hand away and sat back on the sofa, breathing out in one long stream that I thought might never end.

  We sat in silence for a few more seconds before Nicola sat forward and took a slug of her beer.

  “This didn’t go as I planned,” she said, still breathing rapidly. She put down her beer.

  “No?”

  She shook her head and twisted to look at me. “No. My intention was to come over here and smooth things over. Not take it up a notch.” She exhaled again before rubbing her hands together. “Like I said, nostalgia.”

  She turned and took another swig of her beer before jumping up, smoothing herself down and tucking herself in. “I better be going if I want to stay engaged,” she said. She gave me a thin-lipped smile, but her gaze didn’t falter.

  “And is that what you want?” I had to know. I had no idea if Nicola Sheen was what I wanted, but I had to know whether or not she wanted me.

  Nicola blinked and bit her lip, before nodding slowly.

  “Absolutely,” she said, looking away. “I’m marrying Melanie. I just — I wanted to apologise and then... this.” Her gaze bounced around the room before settling back on me. “I’m sorry for yesterday, for today, for back then — for it all.” She picked up her rucksack. “See you, Victoria.”

  But she didn’t move.

  I stood up. “Yeah, see you.”

  We stared.

  And stared.

  Nicola went to say something, then shook her head.

  “I’ve got to go,” she said. But her eyes told a different story as they dropped to my lips.

  But this time, she did turn around and walk away.

  Where Nicola Sheen was concerned, normal service had been resumed.

  I was stood at the kitchen counter trying to put my thoughts in order when I heard Holly’s key in the door.

  Shit. Nicola had only just left, and my emotions were strewn across the floor. I was too disoriented by everything that had happened, and I wasn’t sure I could explain it to Holly even if I tried.

  Holly was frowning when she came into the lounge. She took one look at me and began shaking her head. “I was hoping that just bumping into Nicola on the stairs was a coincidence. Perhaps she knows someone else in the block, perhaps her sister lives here? But I know that look. You did it, didn’t you? You just fulfilled your teenage fantasy and had sex with your childhood sweetheart.”

  I said nothing — it was all I could do to hang on to the kitchen counter and not collapse in a heap.

  “Why do this? Why complicate your life?” Holly plucked a beer from the fridge and sat on the sofa. “Are you coming to sit down or are you going to just stand there?” She sounded hurt, wounded.

  “Not if you’re just going to lecture me. It’s really not what I need right now.”

  A gamut of emotions passed across Holly’s face before she settled on something between concerned friend and pissed off. “I’ll try not to. I’ll try to keep an open mind.” She paused, then held up three fingers in a Girl Guide salute. “I promise.”

  Promise is what had got me into this mess in the first place.

  I walked over and slumped on to the sofa, falling into Holly who had no choice but to acquiesce. She might still be boiling mad at me, but when push came to shove, I was still her best friend.

  “So what happened?” Holly began stroking my hair. “And just so you know, this is not in the roadmap for getting a girlfriend by Christmas. The caveat I wasn’t aware I needed to point out was that the girl in question had to be single, and not engaged to be married.” I heard her take a swig of her beer and I burrowed my head deeper into her shoulder.

  “I know,” I mumbled. “But we didn’t have sex. We nearly did, but we didn’t.”

  Holly’s body went taut. “You didn’t?” She was holding her breath.

  I pushed myself into a sitting position and ground the heels of both my hands into my eyes. When I refocused, my vision still wasn’t totally clear.

  I shook my head. “Nope.”

  Her hand rubbed my back as she exhaled. “Well that’s good. That’s really good. But what was she doing here?”

  I turned to Holly and explained what happened the day before in the bridal shop.

  She was silent the whole way through, her face turning a shade of grey when I relayed the kissing part.

  “It was kinda left up in the air so she texted and asked to come over.” I shrugged. “It seemed the right thing to do, to draw a line under it.”

  “And how did that plan go?” Despite her tone, Holly’s face remained blank.

  Guilt rose up in me, threatening to drown me. “Not so well,” I said, shaking my head.

  Holly’s face softened. “Did you really think it would go any other way? You kissed her yesterday, there was unfinished business, she comes over to your flat where you have some privacy...” Holly held out her hands, palms upturned. “It’s textbook 101 seduction technique.”

/>   “I was not seduced,” I pouted.

  Holly smiled, shaking her head. “No you weren’t,” she said. “But how did you leave it?”

  Now it was my turn to shrug. “We kissed, but we’re done — I know that’s as far as it can go. And that’s not just because she’s getting married, it’s also because we’re different people now.” I shook my head again. “Just sometimes I forget that, and she’s still Nicola Sheen who I loved. So please don’t be angry with me — I can’t deal with it tonight.”

  Holly paused. “I’m not angry, I’m just looking out for you. I don’t trust Nicola as far as I can throw her. Never have.”

  She pulled me into a hug and I let her.

  Then I remembered Holly was supposed to be on a date tonight.

  “Hang on — what are you doing home anyway?” I sat up again. “What happened to your date?”

  Now it was Holly’s turn to sigh. “She didn’t show. No warning, nothing. So this dating game? It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.” She swigged her beer.

  My heart broke for Holly now — she was golden, she didn’t deserve that. “I’m sorry about your date, and not just because she was called Ivy.” I reached for Holly’s hand and squeezed it.

  Holly looked into my eyes and shrugged. “It’s okay,” she said. “She was hardly my soulmate.”

  Sunday December 11th

  Sunday morning dawned and if there was ever a day I needed a distraction, it was today. As I lay on my bed and tried to clamber over the traffic clogging up my mind, I tried to identify what I was feeling. Confused, disappointed, and like I wanted to get in a time machine and erase the last few days.

  I could still feel Nicola’s hand on me, nearly in me.

  It would have been so easy.

  However, this Nicola Sheen wasn’t the one I’d been in love with. She had a child. She was divorced. And she was engaged, yet thought it fine to come on to me three weeks before her wedding.

  So yes, while yesterday had been the culmination of a dream, I had a feeling it might also serve as a reminder that you should never go back. It was a motto I lived by when it came to bad customer service in every other area of my life, so why didn’t I apply it to my love life?