Stories for Amanda

by Amanda Todd Foundation

Because he’s the first guy whom your body doesn’t completely go catatonic over when he touch you intimately. Because, despite his intimidatingly good looks, glamorous lifestyle, and vast wealth; he actually seemed to care about you.

  “Susan, are you still there?” Trudi’s voice had gotten higher pitched, almost frantic. “You don’t believe me too? Is that why you have stopped listening to me? Just because I made that mistake, I…”

  “It. Is. Not. Your. Fault!” I said. “IT. IS. NOT. YOUR. FAULT!” I repeated louder and more forcefully.

  “What?” Trudi asked.

  “Don’t ever apologize or give an excuse for someone who abused you,” I recited.

  “I shouldn’t…” Trudi began.

  “It’s not your fault,” I shook my head. “It’s not your fault.” I swung my head from side to side, like a little girl reciting a mantra to myself over and over again. I wanted to curl up into a ball and hide away in the corner as another wave of panic rolled and crested in me. I was no longer in my cubicle at Sawyer House, safe in a world of drowning… drowning myself into the lives of other people… people whose own lives probably made mine look relatively normal compared to theirs.

  I was no longer in my own little safe haven, but back at my old school when I was thirteen years old… before my family moved away from the small town we lived in, in shame.

  ~~~~

  “So, what will it be today?” his annoying singsong gravelly voice whispered into my ear, as he pushed up against me with his hips. His hands were already groping underneath my sweater, trying to reach underneath my bra to touch my breast. His breath smelled as foul as always, a mixture of tobacco and beef jerky. I had to hold in my breath to avoid breathing in his.

  “Stop it, please,” I cried, tears streaming down my cheeks. “I don’t want to do this.”

  He pressed closer, his hard-on tight in his jeans, rubbing against the crotch of my jeans. “Why Sam?” he asked. “I know you like this kind of stuff.”

  “No, I don’t,” I said.

  “You do,” he sneer into my face, his foul breath and saliva spitting all over my face. “I know all about you, Sam, pretending to be all prim and proper… Preacher’s kid. With your pretty face, long soft hair, and sexy body; you are the most tempting girl in school.”

  “You can have any girl, Billy,” I said. “Please just leave me alone.”

  “I want you,” Billy said, his bluish-grey eyes dark with menace and desire. He narrowed them at my hazel ones. “You know that, Sam. To me, you are the ultimate fruit. Forbidden. I want you even more because you don’t want me.”

  “You’re sick,” I said, trying to push him away.

  He didn’t give. Already as tall as a Quarterback at age thirteen, he knew how to use his girth to his advantage. “Nice try, Sam,” he chuckled, amused with how I was struggling against his weight. “But you know you can’t fight against me.” He grabbed my shoulders and pushed me down to my knees until I was kneeling before him on the cold hard floor behind the bleachers in the gym where he had cornered me. “Since you can’t tell me, I’ll decide what it will be today.” With one hand holding me down, and another hand unzipping his fly, I tried to get up and bolt out of his reach as fast as I could, but he was too strong. “No, no, no, Sam,” he laughed, holding my arm in a tight grip, “You aren’t supposed to run from me.” He pushed me down until I fell on my butt, sprawled out before him, and he leaped down on me, pinning me to the ground. “You are so pretty when you’re scared,” he said, lifting my sweater up and pushing aside my bra until he was clawing at my breasts. Squeezing them and pinching them until they hurt. “Today, I’ll show you who’s boss.” He pulled me up to stand against the wall.

  Next he grabbed his belt and pulled it from his pants, until they were held like a whip in his hand. With one quick movement, I felt a burning pain across my back. Billy had whipped me with his leather belt on my bare back. I cried out in pain, but my cry was short-lived. Another slap of the leather belt fell across my torso, and I doubled over, the pain was so sharp, it felt like a knife had cut me.

  I looked down, and grimaced. I was bleeding. The metal buckle had cut through my skin. I winced, trying to stand up and run. As if Billy knew my intentions, he came up to me to grab one of my wrists. “If you tell anyone what happened, I will make good on my threat, Sam. I know where your parents live and all about your baby sister…” I saw the evil gleam in his eyes as he menacingly thought of ways to hurt her.

  “No, Billy, don’t even think about it,” I said standing up straighter, and walking over to him. “Leave Nydia out of this and my parents. I’m the one you want to hurt.”

  “Yes,” Billy said, grabbing my face with both hands to pull me close to his. “You are the one I want.” He kissed me then, his foul mouth sloppily trying to devour my mouth. “I love how scared you look when I do this.” He unzipped his fly and was about to pull out his penis when he stopped and started laughing. “See how scared you look,” he laughed. “All I had to do is unzip my pants, and you look as frighten as a scared rabbit.” He zipped his pants back up and said, “Don’t worry for now, Sam. I won’t do it to you today, but I will someday when you least expect it. I will bend you over and rape you hard. You be on the lookout all you want, but you won’t even know.” He looked at the clock on the wall, and smiled. “Lucky for you, we ran out of time. I need to go smoke a joint before I cut out of school.” He raised his hand up in a mock wave. “Until next time, Sam,” he laughed. “I will be waiting for you.”

  With that, he left, while I wrapped my arms around myself and sunk to the ground in a heap, sobbing. Every day at school, he would find me. What he did today was slightly different than what he did everyday, but it was always there. That fear, that anticipation of when and where he would get me. That day, the pain of the belt was too strong; I had to go to the nurse’s office to get my cut patched up before returning to class. The nurse would bandage it up, taking care of the cut, which I lied about saying I had accidentally scraped myself on a fence. Although the physical wound healed up in a few days, the wounds Billy inflicted on me psychologically went far deeper.

  Being Here

  Trudi had already hung up the phone when the waves of involuntary panic washed over, and I was breathing normally again.

  What must she have thought when I didn’t answer her back? I was going to call her, as soon as I could retrieve her phone number, but one glance at the clock again, and I decided to wait. She probably went to sleep. It was now 3 AM in the morning, and I was exhausted.

  I was packing up my bag to go when the green light on the phone lit up again. Could it be Trudi calling back? I looked at the screen above the phone and was disappointed to see the phone the caller was calling from was not listed. Darn. I could not tell if it was Trudi or someone else. If it was Trudi, I owe her a call session. If it was someone else…

  The green light kept going on and off until I picked up. “Hello, Sawyer House, Susan speaking. What do you feel like talking about this morning?”

  “Sam?” a familiar voice asked. My heart fell down, disappointed it wasn’t Trudi, but at the same time it was a voice that made me feel safe. “You’re still at the Center?”

  “I’m leaving to go home right now, Derek,” I said, grabbing my purse. “I have to switch phones. You called on the main hotline.” I hung up and dialed Derek’s phone from my own, while walking down the hallways of the Center, locking up and closing up for the night.

  “I know,” Derek said laughing. “Habit when I call into the Center. I was going to check up on you since I was supposed to close up tonight. Thank you for taking on the shift all by yourself. How was tonight by the way?”

  “Intense,” I admitted.

  “Well, I’m done with my all-nighter. I feel ready to grab some coffee and some bagels. I can come by with some nourishment.” He sounded sweet and hopeful.

  “I’m about to head home to sleep, Derek. Getting breakfast is the last thing on my mind at the moment.”


  “I can drive by and make sure you get to your car safely,” Derek said. “I’m right around the corner.”

  “That was fast,” I laughed. “I thought you were getting bagels and coffee…”

  “I skipped that just now so I’m about a couple of minutes away. No traffic at this time of day, no wonder why I’m flying,” he exclaimed.

  “You leave me no choice, then,” I joked. “I have to wait for you or you would think I’m very rude. Not that you should really care what I think of you.”

  “But I do,” Derek said. “I do care what you think of me. Very much so.”

  “Then,” I joked again, “You’d better let me think highly favorable thoughts towards you, Derek.”

  “I’d like that,” he said softly. “Are you still seeing the guy?”

  I blinked. Where did that come from? “You mean Collins…”

  “Whatever his name is, that guy you seemed to get all knotted and twisted up about,” Derek said bitterly.

  “I don’t know where we are at,” I said truthfully.

  “Are you two together together?” Derek asked.

  “No,” I said quickly. “We haven’t…” I didn’t want to tell him I haven’t slept with Collins, but I also didn’t want Derek to know that I have.

  “Doesn’t sound like you’re sure about him… so…” Derek’s voice drifted off, as his old blue mustang pulled up into Sawyer House’s parking lot and parked right next to my car where I was standing.

  Before I knew it, Derek was out of the car and in front of me, pulling me into him, his mouth crushing into mine. I was so stunned, as his tongue gently delved in to brush against mine. Instantly, I felt a shiver go through me. I almost froze, but his hands worked its way around my waist, and shoulders, massaging and coaxing me closer. I began to relax into the kiss and let the weight of the evening slowly fall off.

  “Oh Sam,” Derek groaned, turning me around so that I was leaning up against the back of his car as he deepen his kiss. “Forget about Collins, forget all those other guys,” he said passionately. “Be with me. Give me a chance.”

  “Derek… I… just because I haven’t seen Collins for a while doesn’t mean…”

  “Dammit, Sam,” Derek pulled back. “Don’t you see? You’re a mass of confusion because of him. He’s not from the same world as you and I. He’s a frickin’ playboy billionaire for goodness sakes. He probably goes through a girl a week, and you’re just like any one of them.”

  “Derek,” I warned. “Collins isn’t like that at all. You can’t talk about him that way when you don’t even know him.”

  Derek look a little hurt. “I know that you’ve been moping around at Sawyer House for the last few months, acting like a wounded bird. I know that…”

  I pulled away from Derek. “Derek, how many times do I have to tell you, I’m fine? And if I’ve been acting like a so-called ‘wounded bird’ it isn’t because of some man.”

  “Really?” Derek asked. “Why do you recoil at first, freeze as though you’re scared, when I kiss you?”

  “Maybe because you caught me by surprise, and I wasn’t ready for it, Derek?” I said.

  “But you liked it,” he said. “You wouldn’t be kissing me back if you didn’t. You are receptive to me. You’re just not receptive to being touched.” He stepped back and crossed his arms. “Sam, something happened tonight that you’re not telling me.”

  “It’s just been a long day, and turning out to be even longer by the second, Derek,” I said. “If you haven’t noticed, it is nearly dawn, and I haven’t even gone home yet to sleep…”

  “That’s why I came over, Sam. I received an alert when I logged into check on the progress of calls at Sawyer House, and there was one call there that lasted over five hours. Five hours! Holy shit! What happened?”

  “Do we have to talk about it now?” I asked, my eyes shooting him arrows. Can’t he see I was not in the mood to talk?

  “No, not now,” Derek said more gently. Thank God, he was smart enough to sense that if he didn’t drop the subject now, I’d probably bite off his head. Nothing gets between me and my five hours of sleep or else…

  “Oh God, Sam,” Derek said, apologetically. “I’m so sorry. I should have been with you to take that call. It must have been something for you to spend five hours with a caller. And now you’re tired. I should drive you home. You can sleep in the car.”

  “You got that right,” I joked. “I am about to… pass out.”

  I couldn’t have timed my saying that any better. As soon as the words left my mouth, I collapsed into his chest and was out.

  The Incident

  I woke up to a stream of sunlight blinding my eyes. And Derek lying across from me on a bed. His bed. In his dorm.

  “Derek!” I screamed into his ear. “What happened? Why am I in your bed?”

  Derek turned his body towards me and smiled a lazy smile. “You crashed this morning. Completely knocked out. So I dragged you back to my place for you to sleep. It’s the closest place to Sawyer House, and I didn’t want to wake up your family at your house.”

  “But why am I in your bed?” I asked.

  “There wasn’t anywhere to put you,” he indicated how small his dorm room was, and scratched his head. “Besides this is the most comfortable place for you to sleep.”

  “But why are you sleeping next to me?” I asked.

  Derek grinned. “I would say because there’s nowhere else for me to sleep in here, and because it’s my bed, but the honest truth was, Sam, I wanted to be next to you.”

  I backed away from Derek and got out of bed. “Derek… we didn’t…”

  “As much as I wanted to, Sam, no. I was a complete gentleman. I won’t take advantage of you like that. No, my single mother taught me too well, the lesson of taking precaution and all that. Besides,” he narrowed his eyes. “If you and I had done anything, I’d make sure you were fully aware of it and moaning the night away from my lovemaking skills.”

  “Oh Derek,” I said, “This looks bad. I shouldn’t have stayed over.”

  “Why would it look bad, Sam? We’re two consenting adults over eighteen, and if we choose to be together like that…”

  “No, no, no, Derek,” I said, shaking my head. “That’s the thing, we didn’t do anything, but it looks like we have, and…”

  “Look Sam,” Derek got up. He was shirtless and wearing only boxers. I couldn’t help looking at his well-defined abs and toned chest. It was the first time I’ve seen him without a shirt on, and he was pretty hot. Hi wavy brown hair was messier than usual with a just-gotten-out-of-bed look, and he had a small growth of stubble. “It’s no secret I really like you.” He came over to me and held me by my elbows as he looked into my eyes. “I know you’re stuck on Collins, whatever hold he has on you, but I’m going to try to win you with whatever chance I got, too. I know you’re special. From day one when I saw you with Gail during orientation at Sawyer House, I knew I really wanted to get to know you better. You’re not only an exquisite beauty with the most gorgeous face and body, but you’re smart, funny, fun, and cool.” He bent down and kissed me gently on the lips, “and taste amazingly delicious.”

  He increased the pressure of his lips on mine and used his tongue to open mine further, to taste more of me. “Oh,” he groaned, pressing tight against me, so tight, I could feel him getting more and more excited as he led me to the edge of his bed and lowered me down so I was lying on my back while he kept kissing me on my lips. His mouth devoured mine, as his tongue stroked my tongue. I felt a burning ache ignite from between my legs, as Derek kissed his way from my mouth down my neck, shoulders, top of my breasts through my shirt, and stomach when he lifted my shirt and started kissing my stomach.

  I was delirious. Collins McGregor was the only man who I’ve felt comfortable touching me. He and I had even gone so far as to almost doing it, but Derek… Derek somehow ignited something in me, too. In another way, more familiar, more gentle and safe.

 
; While Derek kissed me… there was a buzzing sound coming from my purse. It pierced through the air like a screaming hawk. Derek tried to ignore it, while he continued kissing my stomach, making his way up my ribs. “I want to make you more comfortable, Sam,” he said. “You are always so tense when I touch you either on the shoulder or even when I pat your back. There’s something about you that makes me want to break through that barrier.”

  “Derek… I’m not so sure if this is a good idea,” I said, remembering my barrier. As much as I was enjoying his mouth on my skin, and his hands exploring me, in the back of my mind, I could only imagine Collins’ hands on me and his skillful sexy mouth on me, making me writhe with desire. “Derek,” I pulled myself up, surprising him as his head came up to stare into my eyes.

  “What’s wrong?” he asked, a little disappointed.

  “I can’t do this,” I said, “And I need to get my phone. I bet my folks are worried that I didn’t come home last night.”

  Derek got off me and rolled to one side of the bed to let me get up and out of bed.

  He let out a big frustrated breath and got up, getting dressed. When he was fully dressed, he turned to me and said, “Whatever hang up you have, I’m going to get to the bottom of it. You may be a peer counselor, Sam, but you’re the one who seem to need a bit of saving yourself.”

  “Really?” I asked, getting angry. How dare he tell me that? I was fine. Things were going great for me. My grades were top-notched, I was graduating head of the class, I have my pick of colleges, my classmates liked me, my father was a well-respected pastor of a large congregation, and my mother is a renowned beauty queen. Everything was perfect. How dare Derek for questioning that.

  “Yes, really,” Derek said angrily. “Just because you think you’re Miss Perfect doesn’t mean you don’t need saving, too. Sometimes we all do.”

  Learning to Fall Freely