Stories for Amanda

by Amanda Todd Foundation

  YEAR OF 1939

  January 30th, 1939

  My love,

  I know that it’s hard. Trust me. I live it every day. There are times that I close my eyes and all I see is you. I reach out to touch you, but you’re not there. I dream of you constantly.

  Please don’t give up just yet. I love you more than anything. You’re the light to my darkness. You’re the air that I breathe. You’re the reason my heart beats every single day.

  I’m so sorry that Eric is gone. I’m sorry that I wasn’t there to help heal your pain. You shouldn’t have gone through that agony alone.

  But please don’t let us go.

  Thomas once said, “Love is hard to bear. It can ruin you. Hurt you. Break you down. Yet, it is the most beautiful experience and feeling one could ever contain. If the love is strong enough, it can survive any obstacle.”

  We can survive this, Noelle. All I ask is for you to be a little more patient. Soon, my love, this will all feel like a dream and we can put it behind us and continue where we left off.

  I love you.

  Love always and forever,

  Jacob

  April 2nd, 1939

  My dearest Noelle,

  I have waited for a response, but as the months flash by, I fear that I have lost you. And pains me more than any pain I have ever endured.

  There were days where I could not sleep or eat, because my mind drifted to thoughts of you; wondering if you are safe and happy. I pictured you with friends, laughing and debating on politics. You’re quite feisty at times when you feel strongly about a particular subject. That was one of things that made me fall in love with you. The passion you had for things you believed in. I only pray that you still believe in us.

  I pictured you with another man who has won your heart. You’re a beautiful, intelligent woman, and I couldn’t imagine a man not swooping you up by now. As much as that thought enrages me, your happiness is what matters most.

  So, I guess, this letter is to say goodbye, my love. I wish you everything you desire in this world.

  Just know that I will always be here for you.

  Love you always and forever,

  Jacob

  June 24th, 1939

  My dearest Jacob,

  I’m sorry it’s been over six months since you’ve heard from me. I’ve been trying to forget. I’m not sure if I was trying to be rid of you, or the love we had, or the pain of dealing with Eric’s death. I just wanted it all to go away. It wasn’t fair to you, and I should have written sooner. You have a right to know what the past six months have been like for me.

  Each day I forced myself out of bed and continued my life as if it was any other day, but without you in it. And each day I grew a bit stronger. Granted, deep within my mind you were still there, still trying to poke through. I brushed those memories aside and continued on with my studies.

  I was becoming myself again; more social with others and less depressed. I gained friends at the University and we did in fact laugh and discuss politics, but also discussed art, theatre, and literature. It was thrilling that I could live my life, Jacob, by surrounding myself with people that were like me.

  But after all of the laughs, when I lay my head at night to rest, I couldn’t help but cry myself to sleep for feeling so selfish and guilty, because I still thought of you.

  Then one day while out in the city with a few friends, I bumped into a man. His is name was Alexander Fitzgerald. He was everything a woman could dream of: tall, handsome and a gentleman who came from a wealthy family. He asked me out for tea. At first I refused. I wasn’t ready to be courted by any man. He was very insistent and followed me the entire night, using his wicked charm, until I finally agreed.

  Now, I’m not telling you all of this to cause you rage, I’m telling you this because, you see Jacob, it was always you. When Alexander held my hand, I didn’t have that tingling feeling as when you touched me on our first outing. When he laughed I didn’t have the flutters in my stomach as I did when you laughed. When he pressed his lips against mine to kiss me, I shut my eyes for a mere few seconds as I pictured you on the other side. But there was something missing. That spark. That magical kiss. The one that only you gave me every time your lips touched mine.

  But I continued to see Alexander for a few months. I realized each time I spent with him, I compared him to you. I tried to find flaws to push him away and there were none. He was wonderful in every way. Alexander’s smile, charm, handsome features were all perfection. But why couldn’t I feel anything more for him? Because He. Is. Not. You.

  He asked me for my hand in marriage and that’s when I had to let him go. Because the moment he went down on one knee, I knew he wasn’t the man I was destined to spend the rest of my life with. When a man asked for your hand in marriage, you should be able to jump up and say “yes.” But I couldn’t. I was afraid, because I couldn’t see him in my future, as I did you.

  Jacob, please forgive me. I know that this letter will cause harm, but you have to believe me when I tell you that I wasn’t in the right state of mind. I wasn’t sure what I was doing. I wanted to live my life and I realized that life is not worth living without you in it.

  I love you, Jacob.

  I just hope you can find it in yourself to forgive me.

  Love,

  Noelle

  July 26th, 1939

  Dear Jacob,

  I know you’re angry because of what I told you in the last letter, but you had to know the truth. Since then I have waited patiently for your response. I know it’s not fair to ask for one, because I made you wait so long to hear back from me.

  I want to know that you’re safe. I want to know if you’ll forgive me and my foolish ways. I want to know if we can be like once were. I want nothing more than that. I miss you desperately.

  Please write back, tell me what’s on your mind, and even if you’re mad… just tell me.

  Love,

  Noelle

  August 25th 1939

  Noelle,

  You state you didn’t say these things to cause me any rage. Though, that’s exactly what I felt; full blown aching rage. You want to know why, Noelle? Well here it goes: you get to live your life. You are able to watch a movie, read a book, go out of town with friends and enjoy yourself in the City. You’re able to have tea with your mother. You’re able to study at the University. All of these things mean that you are living your life.

  Want to know what I do? I’m stuck here. Waiting as the time ticks by me to be able to live my life. All I had was you in my letters. The love you poured into those letters made me feel alive, Noelle. Until that one letter. I keep reading it over and over again. How you wrote that he held your hand. That he kissed you. His lips were pressed against the lips that I had loved. I was furious and raged and then after that… hurt.

  I don’t know if I could forgive you, Noelle. I thought I knew who you were. But now it just feels you’re a stranger to me.

  I’m safe.

  Jacob

  September 29th, 1939

  Jacob,

  I understand that I caused you harm. You have to trust me when I say I didn’t want any of this. I was in a bad place and how I handled my actions were wrong. It hurts me to know that you see me as stranger. I’m still me, just a bit older, a bit wiser. I’m still the same Noelle, you met that afternoon in the City. Looking for directions. I’m still the same Noelle, who fell in love with your laugh, your smile, and all your charming ways. I’m still the same Noelle that wants nothing more than to be your wife, because I’m still madly in love with you. This may all seem confusing but it’s all true.

  We can start over if you like? Almost two years apart can seem like we’ve lost a bit of each other. I’ve grown to love new things as I’m sure you as well. Let’s start over, Jacob?

  I’ll begin.

  I’ve recently found a knack for painting. There’s something about it that makes everything around me fade away. I just hold the paint brush and then
it’s like magic. My mind takes over and before I know it, there’s a beautiful piece before me.

  I would love for you to see some of the paintings I’ve created when you come back, Jacob. Only if you would like too of course.

  Have you found a new talent that you’ve kept hidden from me throughout our time apart? If so I would love to hear about it.

  I miss and love you dearly.

  Love,

  Noelle

  October 31st, 1939

  My dearest, Noelle:

  I’ve had time to think over a few things, and I would like to apologize for the last letter I sent you. My actions and words were over reacted. I was very angry and then hurt at the time, please forgive me. I love you, Noelle. I always have and I still want us to be married once I’m home.

  I’m happy to hear that you found a love for painting. That brings me joy. Of course I would love to view your paintings. I’m sure they’re absolutely beautiful.

  I’ve indeed found a talent I wasn’t aware of: writing. I’ve kept a journal (several actually) and began writing my experiences in the war, in life and love. I may be a young man and I still have lots to learn, but what I have learned throughout the years has made me a stronger man. Writing has helped me cope with being away from home and you. It has become my safe place. My passion. To place words on paper and allow it to create a story of its own, is quite remarkable.

  I would love for you to one day read my journals. Who knows, maybe it could be placed in the paper or published into a book. But for now I will continue to write, as I found it is my true solace in life.

  I received a letter from my mother. She says that you went over for dinner one night and it was a delight having you around again. Thank you for visiting my parents. I only wish that I had the opportunity to meet yours.

  Thank you for giving me hope in us again, Noelle.

  Love always and forever,

  Jacob

  December 1st, 1939

  My dearest Jacob,

  Oh how my parents would have loved you. My mother would have laughed at your wonderful charming humor. My father would have spoken warmly at how brave and smart of a man you are.

  My mother would also have loved that you found a passion for writing. I’m not sure if I ever told you this before, but my mother was a writer. Romance was her passion. She loved writing about two young foolish couples, falling madly in love and their journey throughout their struggles. When I was child she’d read me bed time stories, mostly some she had written on her own; of prince charming fighting for his beloved princess. I remember dreaming as a little girl that one day I would find my prince.

  I wish they were still alive and were able to have met you. After their death in the car crash, I thought my world was over. Until you walked into my life just a short year later. It was as if, from heaven, they searched for the perfect man for their daughter. They found you for me. I’m thankful for that blessing each passing day.

  Your stories will be published one day. I have so much faith in you. I cannot wait to read what you have.

  When I visited your parents, your mother thought it would be best if we began planning our wedding. So that when you’re finally home no more time is needed, we can be married instantly. I told her that I would ask you if this was okay before the planning began.

  Love,

  Noelle

  YEAR OF 1940

  January 22nd, 1940

  Noelle,

  I wasn’t aware that your mother was a writer. I hope you enjoy my writing as well as you did hers. I’m sure I’m not nearly talented as she was.

  Most of my work is inspired by you. Your beauty, love and devotion; of how strong you are. When I’m with you, I feel free, and these letters give me a sense of pride and hope. When a man is gone for so long he loses himself a bit, especially when he’s fighting in war that he slowly forgets why he is fighting in the first place.

  Yesterday, Thomas received a letter from his wife. His youngest daughter passed of pneumonia. It was agonizing just witnessing his pain.

  Life flashes us by within an instant. Before we know, so many of our loved ones are gone. Some too young before they even get to experience life on their own. Others after they were gifted with a full life filled with love and complete with a family. Life is not always certain or promised, but it’s beautiful. To even have breathed and lived. To give someone else a memory to cherish is a blessing within itself.

  Thomas smiled at the pleasant memories of his daughter. He says he will remember her as she was: a healthy, joyous, and beautiful little girl.

  Life will have us together again, Noelle. I know it.

  Soon my love.

  Love always and forever,

  Jacob

  ~~~~

  Men grunted as they stomped tirelessly through the battlefield. The moon casting its way down gave them just enough light to navigate their way through. Some hadn’t eaten in days; others were injured, and most were just plain exhausted.

  Jacob marched a little further behind in line, keeping his head high, and his eyes alert. His hearing narrowed in to listen to his pal, Thomas, whistle beside him, the only soothing sound along with the crickets in the open space. It had been a few weeks of walking and as restless as he was he pushed through each step. Jacob had purpose to keep going each day.

  His mind drifted to thoughts of Noelle. He wondered what she might have been doing at this very moment; probably asleep peacefully thousands of miles away. He couldn’t wait to wrap his arms around her and inhale her intoxicating vanilla scent. Allow his fingers to tangle within the red locks of her hair, and simply get lost into the most beautiful blue eyes he had ever seen.

  The moment he had set eyes on her he had known she would be the one he’d spend the rest of his life with. Although, fear that he might lose her to someone else momentarily crept in, he brushed aside that feeling and allowed himself to bask in the memories he had of their time spent together. Late, long walks in the park, discussing their favorite things, listening to her go on and on about her hopes, dreams, future, daring to hope that he was a part of it.

  Unknowingly, Jacob ran the palm of his hand along the front right pocket of his jacket. There held the most recent letter he received from Noelle. He always waited until his group reached their next destination before reading a letter he received from her. It was his way to continue to push, fight and not give up. He looked forward to her letters. It was his one time of peace.

  “Thinking of Noelle?” Thomas poked through Jacobs thoughts in mid whistle.

  “Yeah. It’s hard not to.” Jacob confessed as he lifted his head to admire the moon.

  “I understand, my friend.” Thomas replied and then continued on with his whistling, this time picking up the pace and walking before Jacob.

  It was a cold night and Jacob tried to keep warm by rubbing the palm of his hands together. He could be sitting by a fire at this very moment, wrapped in the warmth of Noelle. As much as he loved fighting for his country he loved her far more.

  A loud gunshot in the air stopped him in his tracks. Men scattered in all different directions; some squatting and drawing their weapons. Instantly Jacob was in protective mode. He gripped his gun and scanned the perimeter searching for the enemy. So far, those among him were familiar faces. The men he had fought alongside for the past few years. He spotted Thomas a few feet away. Good he was okay.

  Stepping back a few steps Jacob turned on the heels of his boots and continued to search his surroundings. Another gunshot went off. He turned back around and saw nothing. Where were they coming from? No spark or smoke in the air from what he could witness caught his attention.

  A loud BOOM erupted. A few of his men screamed, and this time he knew there were bombs being tossed their way.

  Jacob and a few other men began to run as fast as they could; trying to locate a safe ditch to hide in. His breathing grew rapid as he heard screams and then his name, “Jacob!” He turned to see in the far distance his friend,
Thomas, waving his arms in the air while running toward him. Jacob waited for Thomas, encouraging him to hurry with a few movements of his hands. Thomas continued to yell something out, but Jacob couldn’t make out what he was saying.

  As Thomas ran toward him, he began to make out some of his friends’ words. Another explosion roared to life, “Jacob, move!” Thomas yelled from the top of his lungs pointing over Jacobs head. Jacob turned around.

  A grenade. A loud pop. A ringing noise and then…

  Silence.

  ~~~~

  March 5th, 1940

  My dearest Jacob,

  I’m not sure if you received my last letter, but if you receive this one I pray that you are well. It can be difficult at times when I don’t hear from you, but I always feel like you’re near me; protecting me somehow. It may sound foolish, but it’s the best way for me to explain it.

  I had a dream last night. It was dark and I kept searching for something or someone. There was no one around. I felt as if I walked for miles and miles until I couldn’t take it anymore. I spotted a small tree nearby and sat down. It was nice to just sit there and allow my feet to rest. I admired the snow. Breathing it in as my fingers twirled in the air allowing the soft delicate flakes to brush my fingertips.