Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  “I’m getting the feeling you really don’t want to talk about this.” Jeremy told her as if reading her mind. Emily let out a relieved breath and nodded. She jerked in surprise when Jeremy suddenly pulled his car to the side of the road and put it in park. Emily looked at the gear shift and then at Jeremy.

  “What are you doing?” Emily asked him. Jeremy’s face was unreadable. He looked at her as if he were seeing something that he didn’t recognize, as if she were a stranger.

  “What’s going on with you, Emily?” He asked her bluntly. Emily shrugged, not sure how to answer him. “No Emily. Really, what the hell is going on? First you dump me, not that I don't get your reasons, but then it's like I don't even exist. And then you pretty much fall off the radar. I don’t think I’ve even seen you around school in ages. And now you and Sasha are fighting. This is not like you Emily. Even when you’ve been at your mopiest, you don’t completely alienate everyone like this. So I’m going to ask you again, what is going on with you?”

  Emily didn’t want to answer him. She felt irrationally stubborn. The more he poked and prodded, the more shut down and removed she became. She was tired of people telling her what to do, telling her who she was. Who was Jeremy to tell her what she was like? He didn’t know her, not really. No one did. They couldn’t possibly understand everything that had been going on in her life. Part of her realized how self-important and pompous those thoughts were, but she was way past caring.

  As if following her train of thought Jeremy put his hands up. “Look Emily. I don’t pretend to understand what your life has been like. I know I haven’t been there for you in the past; I’ve been more worried about my own feelings in our relationship. But the truth is I care about you. I get that we would never work out with the whole dating thing. We want different things, I understand. But I’d like to be your friend. If you’d let me.”

  His sweet and sincere words touched a place in her that craved closeness of any kind. She missed Sasha terribly and she needed someone to talk to. Even if she couldn’t talk about everything that was going on; she definitely couldn’t explain Tavin to Jeremy, but she could share some things. And looking at his face, so open and genuinely concerned, she finally allowed herself to share some of the things that were burdening her.

  So in Jeremy’s Land Rover, twisting her hands over and over in the fringe of her orange scarf, Emily spilled her guts. She told Jeremy about the fear that she was losing her mind. She told him about the horrible fight with her mother on Halloween night. Her mom’s leaving and eventual return with stories of guardian angels. She even told Jeremy about the black out in the caverns, omitting any mention of Tavin, of course.

  As she sat there in the warm car, telling Jeremy about her nightmares, her inability to sleep and her chronic physical ailments; she felt better. Jeremy had taken hold of her hand at some point and now held it gently between his own.

  There was a time when this gesture would have raised some serious red flags. This time it was different. Jeremy was comforting her…like a friend. And friendship was exactly what she needed. In some strange way it was easier sharing this stuff with Jeremy than it would be sharing it with Sasha. It’s not that Sasha wouldn’t listen or be just as supportive. But there were times when it felt as if Sasha were too close to the truth, that she saw too much. Saw things Emily wasn’t ready to share.

  When she was finished, Emily sagged against the leather seat and wiped the tears that had escaped from her eyes. Jeremy was silent, saying nothing. And for Emily, it was the best response he could give. She didn’t need to hear false words of comfort or a pat answer for her problems. She just needed him to be there, holding her hand and not saying anything.

  They sat that way for what felt like forever. Finally Jeremy pulled his hand away and put the car into drive again. He slowly made his way towards her house. He didn’t rush, he was giving her the time she needed before having to face her mother. When he finally pulled up outside of her house, Emily’s tired mind didn’t think to question how he knew the right address. It proved that secrets had a way of exposing themselves, no matter how hard they are buried.

  “I’m really glad you were able to tell me that stuff Emily. I wish there was something I could do to help you. But if I tried giving you an answer or a solution, it would probably be a bunch of bull.” They laughed lightly. Jeremy became serious again. “But you can’t keep all of this bottled up. You have a lot going on. I’m really worried about you. You don’t look good. Can you try to sleep? Or go back to your doctor? Maybe there’s something physically going on here. Something that would help all of this make some sense.”

  Emily just shook her head. “I don’t think what’s going on with me is anything a doctor could fix.” She picked her book bag up from the floor of the car and held it closely to her chest. “But thank you Jeremy. Thank you for listening to me and not judging me. And thank you for always being there. I really don’t think I deserve you.” Emily opened the door and got out.

  She started to walk toward her house when Jeremy’s voice called out. “Emily, that’s where you’re wrong, you know. You deserve so much more. It’s just a shame you don’t see that. Stop shutting everyone out. There are a lot of people who love you…a lot. You need to allow yourself some happiness you know, however you get it.”

  Emily smiled at him, her heart warmed by his words. There was so much good to Jeremy. He smiled a sad smile. “And you really should talk to Sasha. She’s a good friend to you. I think that girl could handle just about anything you throw at her. So call her…after you get some sleep.”

  Emily nodded and Jeremy winked at her, and drove off. Emily stood and watched his car disappear down the street. His words had touched her and really made her think about things. She knew she was shutting everyone out.

  Tavin. Jeremy’s words seemed to bring some clarity to her feelings for him as well. She didn’t know whether she could ever accept what he had told her; what he was and what the future held for them. To do that was to acknowledge that her world wasn’t what she always thought it was. Demons, angels, mythological battles between good and evil. That stuff didn’t fit into her comfortable world view.

  But did that all really matter? Tavin filled a part of her that had been empty for a long time. He understood her in a way no one ever would. When she was with him, in their dream world, she felt the only sense of true happiness she had ever experienced. Jeremy had told her to be happy, in whatever way she could find it.

  Could she allow herself to do just that, with Tavin? Could she forget what he had told her and be with him? Forget? No. Accept. Maybe. Emily had spent so long shutting out every possibility of happiness. Even with the knowledge that this would all end, sooner than later, she had to allow herself something that could fill that aching black hole in her chest.

  Emily realized she had been standing in her front yard for at least ten minutes. The air was extremely cold and her finger tips were frozen, her legs stiff. She felt as if she could fall asleep in the grass right there and never wake up. The exhaustion was too much. She needed to sleep.

  Emily peaked into the living room window. Of course her mother was there, watching some evangelist on television. She could not deal with that right now. How was she going to get into the house without her mother seeing her?

  Emily walked around the side of the house to the tree outside her bedroom window. It was an old oak tree, large and sturdy. Could she climb that? Her window was a good twenty feet up. Emily wasn’t a big fan of heights. She remembered all too well, dangling from the limbs the last time she had attempted to get out of her house.

  But she was desperate for the warmth of her bed and the waiting familiarity of her room. She wanted to see Tavin. No, she needed to see him, to talk to him.

  So Emily made the decision. She would climb the darn tree. She threw her book bag on the ground and hooked her foot onto the lowest branch, heaving herself up. Emily clung to the branch, feeling very precarious. Slowly she made her way u
p the tree. Her window acted as a beacon. The soft light from her bedside lamp getting closer.

  Half way up the tree she stupidly looked down. Vertigo set in and the whole world turned. Emily hugged the tree trunk, too scared to move. Why oh why hadn’t she just gone in the front door? Her cowardice was infuriating. Did she really need to avoid her mother like that? Sometimes she was ridiculous. And it didn’t help that her mind was functioning on zero sleep in two days.

  “I have to get up this tree. I’ll freeze out here.” Emily told herself. She counted to ten and forced herself to continue her climb up the tree. She was doing it! She was actually climbing the tree. This little victory seemed to make such a difference on her entire mental outlook. She began to feel confident and she became more assured in her ascent. Then it happened.

  She twisted her body to move to another branch, one closer to the house when she heard the crack. Emily realized with a jarring sensation that her foot hadn’t met the branch and that her body was in free fall. She saw the house whirring past her as she plunged to the ground. Her last thoughts were of Tavin's face.

  Then it all went black.

  Chapter 31

  “What are you doing here Emily?” Tavin’s voice was surprised. Emily had found him immediately. They were in a beautiful park that Emily recognized as the one in the middle of Black Briar. Tavin was sitting on a bench, a magazine in his lap. It looked as if Emily had come upon him relaxing on a Sunday morning. He seemed completely bewildered by her abrupt appearance.

  “Well I’m guessing that I dreaming, right?” Emily sat down beside him. She was so happy to see him. There was still a small pocket of fear when she looked at him, but the intensity of her need to see him, to feel his love, drowned the doubts. “Well, yes. But you kind of popped up suddenly. Is everything all right?” He peered at her, as if searching for something. Emily felt she should ask him the same thing. Again, he looked awful. He seemed strangely smaller, as if he were shrinking.

  He peered into her face, then a frantic expression crossed Tavin's face and he grabbed her upper arms. “Emily! What have you done? You’re not dreaming! You’re unconscious!” Unconscious? “Oh, yeah. I think I fell out of a tree.” Emily laughed it off. Tavin’s face turned purple. “YOU FELL OUT OF A TREE?!” He yelled. Emily giggled again. “Um, yeah. I guess I did.”

  Emily didn’t want to talk about that. She really wanted to eat some of the ice cream that was being sold from the ice cream truck by the swings. Emily put her hands in her pockets looking for change. And miraculously she pulled out a five dollar bill. “Yes! I really want a fudge pop!” Emily jumped up.

  Tavin grabbed her arm. “What are you talking about? Emily don’t you get it. You’re not just asleep. This isn’t just any old dream. You are hurt. Maybe badly.” He was almost panicked. She could see his eyes searching her, looking for a sign of injury. Which was silly; because she was asleep right?

  If she was truthful with herself, she felt strange, not like herself, not even like her dream self. The more Tavin looked at her, the more she realized she was hurt. She started to feel the pain, even in her dream. “Oh.” Emily said and sat down again. Here it was again, the melding of her dreams with her reality. It was such an unsettling feeling.

  “Why were you climbing up a tree Emily? What were you thinking? It’s been awhile since you’ve dreamed. What have you been doing?” Tavin was asking too many questions and it was making Emily’s head spin. “Whoa. One thing at a time here. My head is really starting to hurt.”

  Tavin clucked his tongue. Emily could have laughed. Had her big bad demon boyfriend really just clucked his tongue? “Emily. Why were you climbing a tree and more importantly why did you fall out of the tree?”

  “I was trying to get into my bedroom and I didn’t want to deal with my mom’s holy rolling okay.” Emily put her head in her hands.

  Tavin hesitantly put his hands on her arms. The heat soothed the aches and pains. Emily sighed. “Oh, that feels good.” The stiffness in his arms relaxed and he began to rub her skin slowly.

  “Where have you been, Emily?” He asked her softly. She didn’t want to tell him she had been avoiding him. Not when this felt so nice. Feeling him here beside her, smelling the delicious scent that was so Tavin, made her forget for a time the reasons for her fear and anger.

  She looked up at him and into his eyes and it all came flooding back. The memory of those vacant holes where his beautiful eyes had been. The secrets, the half-truths and most acutely, his betrayal. She stiffened in his arms and he immediately retreated. His face became guarded, anticipating her rejection.

  There was a part of her, an instinctual part that feared what he was. Emily was still so angry at him and the way he had commandeered her life. She felt he had taken all of her choices from her. But deep down, she knew that none of that mattered.

  Looking at this boy who so clearly loved her, her hesitation and anger melted away. But her fear was a real thing and made it hard to think clearly about anything else. She looked at him, swallowing the fright that threatened to envelope her and gave him the truth, just as he had given it to her. “I was scared and pissed Tavin. I didn't want to see you.”

  Tavin flinched. He had to have known that was what she would be thinking. He couldn’t pretend that she could so easily forget what he told her and what he showed her, even if it was at her insistence. “I know Emily. I'm so sor...” He started to apologize again and Emily cut him off with a wave of her hand. His voice was tired and she could see he was weak. He seemed barely able to hold his head up

  She stretched a tentative hand out and touched his face. He closed his eyes, breathing deeply. “You're getting worse aren't you?” Tavin nodded reluctantly. And just like that her fear popped like a bubble and her guilt took its place.

  Tavin put his head in his hands, covering his face with his hands. “I won’t be here much longer Emily. I’m actually surprised that I’m here at all.” His voice was muffled. Emily gently pulled his hands from his face and looked at him, seeing how haggard he had become.

  Her next words surprised them both, given the horror she had felt about what he was. “Can’t you take just a little from me? Just enough to make you feel better?” Emily’s words were soft and Tavin was startled by her offer.

  His eyes filled with an endless depth of love but also a resigned sadness. He pushed her hair out of her eyes tenderly. “Your selflessness amazes me.” He turned away from her. “But I can’t. No matter what, I won't take anything like that from you ever again.” His words were empathic and Emily knew she would never be able to change his mind, no matter how dire their circumstance.

  A lump formed in Emily’s throat and she struggled to speak. “How long do you have?” She whispered, her stomach tightening in anticipation of the answer. Tavin shrugged, his black hair falling into his face at the gesture. “Days, weeks maybe. Not long.” His hands were shaky as he held them up for her to see their paleness.

  “Days?” Emily gasped. That was it? Tavin nodded miserably. “I’ve put you through so much Emily. I have no right to expect anything of you. I think you were right in staying away. I won't bother you again.” He wouldn’t look at her. Emily couldn’t believe he was actually saying this to her…after everything. She had lost and gained so much because of him and she was tired of her fate being in someone else’s hands. And here she was again, her future being determined for her.

  An hour ago she had agreed with this sentiment entirely. That sane, logical part of her had drowned out all other thought. But to hell with reasoning! Because despite everything else, Tavin had helped her open that long lost part of her that she thought had been buried in the ground with her Nan.

  Emily didn’t open herself to anyone…ever. She would let little pieces out here and there, but never much, never enough to hurt. That changed the moment Tavin entered her dreams and her life. He had broken down every barrier, every wall she had erected around herself. She had been given no choice but to love him, darkness
and all. And whatever dark and twisted feelings that manifested when she discovered his true identity were being washed away by the greater desire to be with him, for however long they had.

  So how dare he decide for her that they couldn’t see each other anymore. She had earned the right to determine for herself what she wanted for her future and she was going to take control of that now. With him.

  That was what it came down to. She couldn’t turn her back on him. Not when she may never see him again. Tavin began to fade away and Emily became aware of loud noises that indicated she was coming to. Before he could disappear, she grabbed his hands and squeezed them tightly. He still hadn’t made eye contact and he tried to loosen her hold on him.

  “Tavin! Look at me!” She shouted at him. She was feeling rushed and panicked as more of their world faded away. She could see the outlines of the trees in her back yard and bright lights shining in her face. Emily attempted to hold on to her unconsciousness, at least until she said what she needed to say.

  Tavin looked into her face and Emily’s stomach dropped at the resigned expression she saw there. He had made up his mind. He felt it best that he leave her alone, that they never see each other again.

  “Stop it Tavin! Just stop it! You think you can make this decision for me? Haven’t you made enough decisions for me already?” Tavin lowered his head guiltily. It was a low blow, Emily knew that, but she had to get him to see her point of view.

  “It is not what's best for me Tavin! It could never be in my best interest to never see you again!” She was so desperate for him to hear her. Tavin raised his eyes to meet hers’ again. They were so lovely but so sad. “Emily. It’s going to happen eventually, better now than later. I don’t want to drag this out for either of us. That’s bordering on cruel.” He was so tired, so wretched. She couldn’t take it.