Irresistible Fear

by A. Meredith Walters

  Jeremy had dutifully brought her homework every day. She hadn’t seen him, her mother collecting it from the front door. He had tried calling her as well and Emily could hear the worry in his voice as she listened to his messages. She should call him, reassure him. But she couldn’t. It would all be a lie anyway.

  Emily recognized the signs of depression. She knew that was what she was experiencing.

  She wasn’t normally a person who rolled over and took what life gave her. It was in her nature to fight, but the truth was she didn’t know how. She had resigned herself to her fate, not being able to think of any way to change it. Because Lilith was killing her. Emily could feel it. Every day there was less and less of her and it would continue until she was certain there wouldn't be anything left at all.

  She was wallowing in self-pity when she heard a tentative knock at her bedroom door. She didn’t even bother to say come in. She continued to lie there, staring at her ceiling.

  “Em?” A soft voice called from the door. Emily looked up in surprise. Sasha stood there awkwardly, not knowing whether she should come in or not. Emily struggled to sit up and straightened the rumpled bed covers. “Um, come in Sash.” Sasha walked slowly into the room. Her shocking red hair stood out as a vivid contrast against the paleness of her skin. Sasha’s face was drawn and she looked uncomfortable.

  Sasha stood beside the bed, obviously debating whether she should be there or not. Emily patted the bed. “Sit down Sasha. I’m glad to see you!” The sincerity in Emily’s voice clearly strengthened Sasha’s resolve and she sat down.

  Emily grabbed her friend’s hand and squeezed it, surprised at how cold her fingers were. “I’ve missed you.” Emily whispered. Sasha met her eyes directly and Emily saw the worry and concern there. Sasha patted Emily’s hand and pulled away. “You look awful Emily. You look worse than I’ve ever seen you.” Sasha played with the fringe of the blanket nervously.

  “Yeah, I feel pretty horrible.” Emily admitted. Her mom showed up at the door with two cups of tea. “Here you are girls.” She handed each of them a cup. Sasha looked at Emily in surprise. Emily knew that her mother’s new role was startling. Her mom touched Sasha’s shoulder. “I’m so glad you came to visit Sasha. I think Emily could really use a friend right now.” Sasha nodded and sipped her hot drink.

  Her mother left soundlessly, giving them privacy. Sasha looked back at Emily. “Wow, what a change huh?” Emily nodded. “Yeah, I think she’s had a personality transplant.” The two girls laughed together. The tension between them easing slightly.

  They sat in silence, sipping their tea. Sasha nervously playing with the loose threads on the blanket. “So, what's going on with you?” Sasha finally asked. Emily just smiled. She appreciated the direct approach for once.

  Giving a short laugh Emily sighed. “If only I knew.” She whispered, putting the mug on the bedside table and trying to sit up. Sasha watched her struggle and eventually reached over and helped her pull the blankets back. “Have you been back to the doctor?” Sasha asked, watching her closely. Emily only shrugged. Doctors were useless, but how could she explain that.

  “I'm sick Sash. Really sick.” Emily admitted. That was the closest to the truth she could bear revealing. And for once it seemed enough. Sasha's face collapsed and she reached over and grabbed Emily, hugging her tight.

  “I'm so sorry that I let a stupid fight get in the way of our friendship. I've been such an idiot.” Sasha's shoulders jerked with her sobs. Emily sat frozen, not entirely sure how to handle her friend's uncharacteristic show of emotion.

  Emily reached up and patted the back of Sasha's head, rubbing her hair as if she were a child. Sasha leaned back and wiped her tears furiously. Pulling a tissue out of the box on Emily's dresser, Sasha blew her nose loudly and they both giggled.

  “You sound like an elephant.” Emily joked half-heartedly. Sasha stuck out her tongue and threw the tissue in the waste basket. “So what's wrong with you?” Sasha asked. Emily stilled. Crap, she should have thought of a way to answer that inevitable question. So again, she answered it with as much truth as she could give.

  “It's like I'm just fading away Sasha. I have no energy, I can't eat. It's wasting me from the inside out.” Emily's words were soft as she looked at her friend. Sasha gripped Emily's hand between her palms. “And there's nothing that can be done?”

  Sure, if Lilith stopped terrorizing her, she would be right as rain.

  Shaking her head, she pulled her hand from Sasha's grip. “Nothing Sash.” Sasha didn’t say anything, only sat quietly, digesting what she had been told. “Well, I'm not going to waste anymore time being angry at you. It's just stupid. Yeah, I was hurt you were shutting me out. But I see now you were dealing with all this health stuff. Though I still don’t understand why you couldn't have just told me.”

  Emily sighed. “Do you ever get sick of talking about the same thing over and over again?” She asked. Sasha nodded. “Well yeah, you know how pissed off I got after that fight with Derek at Jeremy's Halloween party. Everyone was such a busy body and wanted to hear all the details...annoying little gossips....Oh...I get it now.” Emily nodded. “Yeah, talking about how horrible I felt was like playing a broken record. And I felt like that's all our conversations were about anymore. And then there was mom's crazy return and then my health started getting worse. I handled it badly Sasha. I'm sorry for that. But it's like once I started trying to be invisible it was easy to really become that way.”

  Sasha frowned but seemed to take her at her word. Emily still felt awful for not giving her friend the entire truth, but what else was she to do? No, this was her problem and she wasn't about to drag anyone else down with her.

  Emily's mom poked her head back in the doorway. “Can I get you girls anything else?” Her eyes were eager and she smiled brightly at them. Sasha cocked her eyebrow at Emily before turning to her mother. “Uh, no we're good Ms. Hilbright. Thanks.” Emily's mother only nodded and padded back down the hallway.

  Sasha turned back to Emily and jerked her thumb in the direction her mom had gone. “Okay, please explain that one. Because she's like normal. Did a zombie eat her brain or something?” Emily laughed. “No, she was actually visited by an angel.”

  Sasha's eyebrows shot up. “Huh? Come again?” Emily told her about her mom's experience with the angel. It felt good to share some truths with her friend. Sasha laughed and rolled her eyes. “Wow, Em, she's crazier than I thought. But I guess if it got her to stop being such a boozer, then hey...I'm all for a heavenly visit.” Emily laughed and agreed.

  Sasha picked up the pile of pictures that had fallen onto the floor. She leafed through them and then stopped at the picture of Emily and Tavin/Chris Riffey. Holding it up, she asked. “When was this taken?”

  “At Pinnacle Rock.” She answered breathlessly. Sasha frowned at the picture, working her bottom lip as she so often did when she was deep in thought. “Why do you have a picture with him? I didn't even know you guys were friends.” Sasha didn't take her eyes from the picture, studying it intently.

  “Um, well you know...we get on pretty well and we hung out a bit on the photography trip...” Emily's voice trailed off. Sasha brushed her finger across the picture. “Hmm...you know he looks different in this picture. Not like Chris Riffey at all.” Emily's breath caught in her throat. She never would have thought anyone would have noticed the subtle differences in appearance but her. She should have known Sasha, super perceptible Sasha, would have picked up on it.

  “His eyes look really weird.” Sasha murmured, more to herself than to Emily. Emily held herself perfectly still. After a few more minutes Sasha shook herself and then tossed the picture back in Emily's lap. “You'd better never let Erin see that...she'd think something was going on behind her back. You two look very cozy.” Sasha wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

  Emily relaxed but felt mildly disappointed. She had almost thought Sasha would figure out that something else was going on. There had been a moment when Emi
ly believed she could tell her friend anything. But now looking at Sasha who had reached over to grab Emily's brush from her dresser and began to comb through her red tangles, she realized that would never, could never happen.

  “So...have you talked to Jeremy lately?” Sasha asked her nonchalantly. Emily furrowed her brow at the weird tone she used. “Um, no, not in a few days...why?” Sasha started picking at the blanket again. “No reason, just wondering.” Sasha deflected.

  Emily put her hands down on top of Sasha's, stopping the nervous fidgeting. “Why are you asking about Jeremy? And why are acting so sketchy about it?” Sasha's face flamed a bright shade of red. What was this all about?

  “Um...yeah, I don't know...he's just been helping me with my Chemistry project. I didn't know he was so good at that sort of thing.” Sasha wouldn't meet her eyes. “Well, yeah. He's kind of brilliant when it comes to science stuff.” Emily said slowly.

  Sasha shrugged, twirling her hair around her finger. “He's been really helpful. It's been...nice.” Emily's eyes grew wide. No way! Sasha liked Jeremy! Emily started to laugh. She fell back against her pillows, winding herself with the effort at controlling her humor.

  “What?” Sasha asked defensively. Emily gasped. “You like Jeremy!” Sasha's put her hands up in front of her. “No way! Where did you get that from? Are you sure you haven't talked to him?” Sasha sounded panicked. Emily regained her composure and took a deep breath. “What would he tell me Sash?” She teased.

  Sasha looked so uncomfortable, it was amusing. Emily could see clearly what was going on here. Sasha and Jeremy were into each other. Emily couldn't be happier for the two of them. It would make things so much easier after...well after she wasn't around anymore.

  The thought instantly sobered her. Sasha picked up on the change in Emily's mood and misread its source. “It's just that we had gotten to talking and we've spent a lot of time together, you know since you weren't talking to us...” Sasha grimaced at her accusation. “I didn't mean it like that...it's just it's been nice having someone to talk to and all and I always thought he was such a dork, with his puppy dog eyes...but I don't know...I really like hanging out with him. And then he kissed me...and I feel so weird about it...”

  “He kissed you?” Emily squealed. Sasha looked startled at Emily's reaction. Emily grabbed Sasha's hand. “I think that's awesome Sash...you two would be so good together!” Sasha frowned. “You don't care? Really? You don't think it'd be totally creepy if your best friend started dating your ex-boyfriend? I mean that's so Gossip Girl, or some other equally horrible teen drama.” Sasha seemed so worried and Emily wanted her to just stop it already.

  “Yeah, it's a little incestuous, I guess.” Emily joked. Sasha smacked her arm. “That's a low blow Em.” She snarked. Emily grinned. “No, really...It's not like I have any feelings for Jeremy...we're just good friends now. He deserves to be happy. As long as you treat each other right, I'm cool with it.”

  Sasha relaxed. “Wow, I'm so relieved you said that. I've felt like such shit for days since it happened. And you know...I was really hung up on the fact that he probably still loved you and all...but he swears that you guys are over that. But I told him if you were freaked by the whole thing there was no way I would go there...even if we weren't talking at that particular moment.” Sasha was rambling and Emily let her.

  When Sasha was finally out of breath and had stopped Emily squeezed her arm. “Are you finished?” She asked. Sasha nodded. “So, I will say this again...I'm happy for you guys...I know I've been completely unavailable and the fact that you had each other, makes me feel less crappy actually. Go for it Sasha. You have my blessing...not that you ever really needed it.”

  Sasha jumped over and hugged Emily again. “Of course I needed your blessing, you moron. I would never, ever do something that upset you. But thank you...because I really like him. Don't you dare tell him I told you that!” She threatened.

  Emily's heart was full of happiness for her two dearest friends. It made the uncertainty of her future that much easier to deal with.

  Chapter 38

  The hours crawled by like weeks and the days felt like years. Everything moved so slowly that Emily felt as if she were stuck in quick sand. Like running in place and going nowhere.

  She continued to have the nightmares, though they were becoming less frequent. She had no idea why that was happening but she was thankful for the reprieve. Her only guess was that Lilith was playing with her. Giving her a false sense of security before swooping in for the kill.

  Emily was happy to feel some of her strength return. But the wrenching sadness only got worse. Because she had finally accepted that Tavin was gone. She had been an idiot to think she could change anything. She had never been so nihilistic, but facing impending death will do that to a girl.

  Emily had finally returned to school and was trying desperately to catch up on the mountain of work she had missed. Her teachers were being very accommodating and she was relieved about that. She even started taking pictures again. Though she hadn’t been back to the photography club, she was finding she could it enjoy it again.

  But she still thought about him all the time...Tavin.

  Emily was just as consumed with him now that she realized he was gone as she had been when he was a constant presence in her life. She couldn’t help feeling that there had to be a way to see him again, to find him.

  The only bright spot was watching the unfolding relationship between Sasha and Jeremy. They were absurdly good together, despite the fact that they fought constantly. And it never once felt strange, despite her history with Jeremy. They had truly become friends. Something she never thought would happen. And she could thank Sasha for helping him get over what they had been.

  Emily was in the back seat of Jeremy' Land Rover. He and Sasha bickered back and forth in the front about what movie they wanted to see. It was like being stuck in a sitcom. They were almost comical. Despite the arguing, Emily was comforted by their animated voices and closed her eyes. “Emily! Wake up!” Sasha yelled at her. Emily bolted upright, blinking rapidly. She realized they were sitting in front of her house.

  “Geez. You were out. I’ve been calling your name for at least a minute.” Sasha, predictably, rolled her eyes. Emily was disoriented. She had fallen asleep and she hadn’t dreamed at all. That was a first. She was partly relieved and partly distressed. For dreaming was the only connection she had to Tavin. What if she stopped dreaming, how could she ever hope to reach him?

  “Emily! Are you going to get out or are you planning to spend the night in the back of Jeremy’s car?” Sasha tossed her book bag in her lap. Emily grunted and reached for the door handle.

  Before she could get out, Jeremy got out of the car and opened her door. “Here Em. Let me get that for you.” He reached into the backseat and grabbed her book bag. He made to grab her camera which lay on the seat beside her. Without thinking, she clutched it to her chest, as if it were a child. Jeremy looked at her quizzically, and then shrugged.

  She got out of the car and followed him to her house. Sasha stayed behind, playing with Jeremy’s radio. She called ‘goodbye’ out the window and Emily waved.

  Jeremy seemed anxious to get back to the car as well. “Sasha and I are going to catch a movie later.” Emily laughed. “Yeah I caught that in between all of the bickering.” Jeremy smiled. “You could come if you wanted to.” He offered. He glanced back toward his car.

  Emily smiled at him, really seeing him. He was such a good person. She hadn’t always treated him with a whole lot of respect. Sasha was a lucky girl and she hoped she treated him the way he deserved.

  “I think I'll pass. But thanks.” She made to open the front door when Jeremy grabbed her hand. “Thank you.” He said in a hushed voice. Emily was startled. “Thank you? For what?” She looked toward Sasha, who was watching them intently. She didn't look angry or anything, just interested.

  Jeremy squeezed her hand. “For being okay with me and Sasha. I know it
has to be strange for you.” Emily shook her head. “I'll tell you the same thing I've told Sasha a million times. I'm happy for you guys.” Jeremy pulled his hand away and smiled again. “Well, thank you again. Sasha...she's something else. Keeps me on my toes...but I dig her. A lot. Just don't tell her I told you that.” He whispered quickly. Emily snickered at the identical words now coming from Jeremy. They really were a funny pair.

  Jeremy hugged her. “Take care of yourself Em. You're worrying me you know.” Emily breathed in his scent, her heart aching for the smell she longed for. “Okay. Thanks.” Emily said and unlocked her front door.

  Jeremy was already back to his car. “I’ll call you later, just to check in.” He called back to her. Emily nodded and then closed the door behind her.

  She stood in the dark and silent house, her back pressed to the front door. She dropped her bag at the foot of the stairs and went up to her room. She opened her bedroom door and it hit something that sat just behind the entry. Emily pushed open the door and saw a yellowed box just inside. Her mother had left her a note on top:

  Em, was going through the boxes in the basement and found this stuff. Figured you'd want to check out what you want to keep or toss. Working late tonight then have a meeting. Left casserole in the fridge. Love you, Mom

  Carefully opening the box, Emily caught a whiff of mold and mildew. Man, this box had been in the basement for a while. She laughed at the words scrawled on the side in her childish script; 'Emily's stuff stay out or die!' She always was such a drama queen.

  Emily slowly sorted through the items inside. A lot of it was junk. Old yearbooks, a moth eaten t-shirt from her visit to Hershey Park when she was four. Her old jewelry box was nestled close to the bottom. She pulled it out and opened it. The ballerina was bent and made lazy circles; the music of Pachelbel’s Cannon in D sounding like it was on its last legs.