Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Rob swore to Laura that it would just be the two of them going out that night, but then he thought he had a better idea. Brian could be their designated driver. It would be his birthday gift to Rob. That way, both Rob and Laura could start drinking at dinner, get drunk at a bar afterward, and spend most of the night with Brian while he drove them around the city.

  When Rob and Brian picked Laura up, Brian could tell that she was not at all happy to see him in the driver’s seat, and it wasn’t until she downed her third drink at the restaurant that she finally appeared to get over it. While Brian knew that the happy couple hadn’t seen much of each other recently, he didn’t know exactly how long it had been since they’d last had sex. Out of the corner of his eye, Brian could see that during dessert, Laura began feeling Rob’s crotch under the table. She, either, didn’t care that he noticed or figured he couldn’t tell. Then after dinner, on the way to the bar, Brian was convinced that she performed a hand job on his friend as they sat huddled next to each other in the back seat. He couldn’t see it, per se, but he could certainly hear it in Rob’s cracking voice as they struggled to make small talk during the ten-minute drive.

  Jillian began working on her manuscript around 10:00 p.m., but she couldn’t get the term, “landing strip,” out of her head. In her mind, she flashed back to Victoria’s presentation down there. When she finally shook Victoria’s prepubescent look from her head, she stripped and took a good look at her own neglected area. While she wasn’t completely out of control, Jillian thought she was probably—at the very least—in need of an update.

  When Jillian performed an Internet search for “landing strip” and found that the very first result was not an airport landing strip but a Wikipedia bikini-waxing page, she had to giggle. She marveled that even some of the most innocent phrases are slang for a body part or a sex act and can lead to some very un-kid friendly results. Eventually, though, she found exactly what she was looking for, including explicit pictures, and picked up advice on trimming and shaving that most sensitive of areas. She also viewed many pictures of variations on the landing strip concept and picked the one she found most appealing.

  After collecting all the needed supplies, she took a hot bath and performed her hair design work. When she was done, she was pleased. It felt clean and new, and she felt instantly different, almost as if she were ten years younger. The experience inspired her to write a scene about Dallas spying on Katrina while she gave herself the very same sensual trim job. Jillian wrote for two hours and then lay in bed unable to sleep. After another thirty minutes, she took an Ambien, hoping it would do its usual trick.

  At the bar, Rob and Laura drank and hung all over each other, while Brian had a miserable time, fully sober. Brian did down one birthday shot with the horny couple at the bar, but he spent the majority of his time sipping cokes and looking out the window. The bar was mostly empty and contained only a few moderately attractive women who didn’t seem very interested in speaking to Brian. Neither did Rob and Laura, who were busy dry humping in a corner booth. Other than occasionally handing him a twenty and asking for another round, there was no other interaction.

  When the couple reached seven drinks each, three at the restaurant and four at the bar, Brian pulled the plug. When Rob asked for another drink, Brian glared at him. “Why don’t you let me drive you to her place so you two can just do it already?”

  Rob looked at Laura, they gave each other a matter-of-fact nod, and the three of them climbed into the car less than two minutes later. The couple returned to the backseat, and Brian couldn’t see either of them in the rearview mirror for the entire trip. They were lying back there, doing who-knows-what, and the sounds they made prompted Brian to crank up the volume on the radio.

  Brian remembered the route back to Laura’s, and when he reached her dorm’s parking lot, he simply stopped the car, turned off the radio, and adjusted the mirror to avoid any glimpse of them. He waited, never looking back, while he heard some whispers, rustling, and giggling, and then the car door opening. He watched Rob and Laura zip and button clothing as they stumbled away from the car. A few steps away, Rob turned back to Brian, raising his hands as if to say, “Sorry for putting you through that dude,” and they shared a smile.

  As Jillian waited for the Ambien to kick in, the phone rang. It was just after 1:00 a.m. on the East Coast, but her ex-husband, George, was on the West Coast and tended not to be terribly considerate. The conversation started out civil but quickly took a turn. When it did, Jillian carried the phone to the kitchen and poured herself a glass of wine. She drank about half the glass before she started feeling a little lightheaded, remembered taking the Ambien, and firmly pushed the glass out of her reach.

  When Brian arrived back at Jillian’s, he found her sitting at the kitchen island talking on the phone, wearing a short, silky robe, a glass of wine nearby. Stepping into the kitchen and realizing that she was in the middle of a heated conversation, he winced, stopping dead in his tracks. She waved back to him like it was no big deal. After grabbing a beer, he headed out to the pool and sat in a lounge chair.

  The window was open, and he couldn’t help but overhear Jillian as she said, “I’m not writing you another damn check. If you’ve blown all the money already, that’s your problem.”

  Brian took a sip of his beer as Jillian said at full volume, “Okay, why don’t you tell me where all the money is tied up right now? …Oh, now you can’t tell me. Maybe if you hadn’t been performing oral sex on that pool in my girl. I mean, on that girl in my—you know what the hell I’m trying to say. Maybe you’d still be sponging off me, but since you did, the checkbook is now closed.”

  Then after a brief silence, he heard what sounded like a cell phone bouncing across a kitchen counter followed by breaking glass. Turning, he stared toward the sliding glass door with his eyes wide, wondering if he should check on her. Before he could act, she appeared at the door, and when their eyes met, she brushed the hair from her face and gave him a smile.

  She walked unsteadily but managed to make her way to the lounge chair next to him and flopped down onto it. “Did you hear any of that?”

  “Maybe I caught a word or two.”

  “Did you hear the oral sex in the pool part?” she asked.

  “Yeah, sorry.”

  “Don’t be,” she said, “You didn’t lick that pussy in the pool did you?”

  “I haven’t even been in the pool yet,” he said while noticing how spectacular her legs looked in that short robe.

  She giggled. “Did I just say pussy? I’m so embarrassed.” She looked at him with wide eyes.

  He nodded and grinned. “Don’t worry about it.”

  “Sorry. I took an Ambien and had a half glass of wine before I remembered and, uh, I’m starting to feel a little GRRREAT.”

  “Do you need to go to bed?”

  “No, I’m fine here. I’m good… Isn’t Miami, like, the best weather on the planet?” Jillian asked.

  Brian humored her with half a smile and then took another sip of his beer.

  “I really hate that asshole,” she said as she looked at the pool and then to Brian. “I think I’ve really screwed up my life. It’s halfway over, and I drove George away, and I have nothing to show for being here.”

  He scoffed and then collected his thoughts. “You’ve accomplished so much. Look at this house, and Rob… he’s a great guy. Your books are so good. People love your books.”

  “Have you read any?” she asked.

  “Well, no, but I plan to soon.”

  “I hate my books—all that screwing and oral and anal sex. And all the money I make off writing that crap. I should be shot.” She grabbed his sleeve. “Can I tell you a secret?” She started without waiting for an answer, “I write about all those beautiful people having amazing, mind-blowing sex. The penises that never go soft and breasts that are huge and orgasm this and orgasm that… and I’ve never once had any really, really freaking incredible intercourse sex.”

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nbsp; He avoided eye contact with her as he said, “I, uh, find that incredibly hard to believe. You’re so beautiful.”

  “No, it’s absolutely true. But aren’t you sweet!” Jillian said as she let go of his sleeve. Placing her hands behind her head, she stretched back, which lifted the robe so that Brian could see nearly all of her white, silky panties. She closed her eyes as she asked, “Where are Rob and Laura?”

  “At her place, they really missed each other… a lot,” Brian said, rolling his eyes.

  She nodded with her eyes still shut. “They’re probably doing it. They think I don’t know about them doing it, but I’ve heard them doing it. They’re like animals.”

  “Tell me about it. I think they were actually going at it in the back of the car while I drove them to her dorm.”

  “No shit,” Jillian said and laughed out loud.

  Brian widened his eyes and fought back the urge to laugh. Turning toward her, he swung his legs off the lounger as he contemplated what to do. Her legs looked good, and those panties were tiny and sexy. Brian enjoyed looking at them—and her, for that matter. But he felt he should probably stop staring directly at the beautiful panties, legs, and thighs of his best friend’s mother.

  After stealing one last glance, he breathed in deeply. “I think I’m going to go in.”

  Jillian’s head bobbed and she was startled awake. She opened her eyes slightly then said, “Okay, I’m just going to sleep out here.” With that, her head slumped back down.

  Brian stood next to her chair. “You can’t do that. Let me help you up.” He reached out his hand. She opened her eyes, shook her head groggily, then took his hand and attempted to stand. She got halfway up before she began to fall, but Brian grabbed her around the waist.

  “Thanks,” she said.

  After Brian lifted her into his arms, she wrapped her arms around his neck, causing her robe to rise, exposing her panties. She looked down at her underwear, grinned, and then looked at his face. “Well it’s only fair.”

  Brian opened the patio door with one hand, while she clung to his neck with her eyes closed. He carried her through the door, closed it, and made his way up the stairs as she repeated, “Yep, it is only fair.”

  He chuckled. “What do you mean? What’s only fair?”

  Jillian opened her eyes, and they looked at each other with their faces almost touching as she said, “That you see my underwear.”

  “Uh, why is that?” he asked.

  He reached the top of the stairs, and carried her into the bedroom as she said, “You are really, really strong.”

  He placed her carefully on her bed and stood next to her, grinning. “Why should I see your underwear? Why is that fair?”

  “You’re right. It’s not fair. You should see it without my underwear. Then we would be even steven.”

  Confused, he looked at her as she continued rambling, her eyes heavy, “I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to see your penis. I feel like such a pervert. Do you think I’m a pervert?” Then she closed her eyes and drifted off.

  “I really don’t understand. When did you see it, exactly?”

  Her head jerked, and her eyes flew open. “Huh?”

  “Um, when did you, you know…”

  Taking a deep breath, she sat up straight and looked him in the eye as she tried to compose herself. “I kind of came up stairs and was just walking by your room… the eggs I had ready… I dropped the phone and… You are hard to wake up. Did I say ‘hard’? Oops, I didn’t mean to say ‘hard.’” She broke into a chuckle.

  He smiled at her then covered his mouth as he fought back a laugh.

  “Whoa…” She shook her head, leaving her hair crowding her face. After using her hand to brush much of it away, she pursed her lips and blew out hard to dislodge the last strand that had stuck to her cheek. “Where was I? Oh, I was outside your room and my phone rang. I dropped it and it somehow bounced into your room. It was already out I swear.”

  “What was out?” He narrowed his eyes.

  “Your, um…” She looked pointedly at his groin.

  “Oh, I, uh…” He raked his fingers through his hair.

  She flapped her hand in the air. “Yeah, the covers were already off, and it was poking right out there like a great big turtle, like it wanted to be set free, you know?”

  He swallowed hard and nodded. “Um, it does that sometimes.”

  Grabbing him by the shirt, she pulled him close. “And you don’t want to know how long it’s been since I’ve seen one, and it’s been even longer since I’ve seen a real one like yours.” She snorted like a pig as she laughed then playfully pushed him away from her.

  He smiled at her, even though she pushed him so hard that it nearly knocked him over. She looked around the room as if to be sure they were alone, then motioned with her index finger for him to come closer. He bent over.

  She leaned forward and whispered, “Between you and me… I may have pushed your door open like, like, an inch.”

  “That’s okay.”

  “I swear it was already open.” She lifted her hands up defensively.

  “I believe you.”

  “It just popped out of your boxers on its own. It’s a good thing, too, since it looked like it was trapped… it looked so uncomfortable in there.”

  “Yeah, sometimes it does feel really trapped,” he said trying to make her feel better.

  She grabbed his shirt and pulled him close to her face. “I want you to know I didn’t touch it, or anything. Victoria wanted me to, but I didn’t.”

  “She was there, too?” he asked recoiling a bit.

  “Oh, no.” She shook her head. “She was on the phone.”

  Relief, then confusion, then concern crossed his face. “Oh, okay,” he said.

  “You kind of had an erection, also,” Jillian said while nodding with her lips pursed, as if she was impressed. “Niiice.”

  “Wow, I don’t know what to say, except, um, thank you and… sorry.” He shrugged.

  “Don’t worry about it. I was the one molesting you,” she said, laughing out loud. Still holding his shirt close to her, she stated, “You really have one gorgeous penis. I mean, I’ve only seen a couple, but yours is just beyond perfect.” She stared wide-eyed at him.

  Looking at her, he gently removed her hand from his shirt and pulled back to a comfortable distance. “Well, that’s just about the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

  Jillian asked, “That Natalie girl you’re after… she hasn’t seen it yet, has she?”

  He shook his head. “Not exactly.”

  “I didn’t think so, or she would have followed you down here… Next time you see her, just drop your pants and show her that penis of yours, and yeah… she’ll be…”

  Falling back onto her pillows, she closed her eyes. “Here, I want you to see my pussy. I shaved it for the first time. You were right. The landing strip is a much better option.”

  “Really?” Brian chuckled, a mixture of fear and excitement flooding his body.

  “No one has seen it yet. I really need an opinion.” She opened her eyes a little. “Plus, I’m going to feel guilty about the whole seeing yours thing until we do this.”

  “I really shouldn’t,” he said shaking his head slightly.

  “Why the hell not? It’s just a vagina. Have you seen one before?”

  “Sure… A few, actually,” he added defensively.

  “So, what’s one more?” While reaching down, she lifted her rear end off the bed and slid her panties past her hips and off her legs. She shoved them into his shirt pocket. She lifted her robe a little exposing her tiny landing strip of perfectly coiffed pubic hair she’d left behind. She waited staring at him wide-eyed.

  He glanced at it briefly then said shyly, “It’s nice.”

  “No, really look at it.” Frowning, she pointed toward the area in question.

  He forced his gaze to her beautifully trimmed areas, and his mouth opened slightly. Craning her neck, she looked d
own at it as well. He felt that familiar rush in his midsection as he watched as she began to touch the hairless areas next to the landing strip and even below that.

  She said, “It feels weird. But a good weird, you know?”

  Brian swallowed hard and nodded.

  “Do you want to touch it?” She looked him in the eye. “You can.”

  “I, uh, really haven’t washed my hands since I’ve been out, so…” he stammered.

  “Oh, okay. I feel so much better now that you’ve seen it,” she said smiling. Suddenly, her eyes widened with alarm. “Do you think Rob would mind if he knew I saw your… and you saw my…?”

  “I would say yes… and yes,” he replied.

  “Maybe we should just keep it between yours and mine.”

  “What?” He held back a laugh.

  She giggled, swatting her hand at him and shaking her head. “I mean, we should keep it between you and me.”

  “Oh, that’s probably best.”

  “I mean, I think it’s okay that we’ve seen each other’s parts. You know, since we could never really do anything about it because of Rob and everything.”

  He nodded. “Sure. We’d end up on Jerry Springer on the ‘My Best Friend Slept with My Mother’ show.”

  “Exactly, and I don’t want to be on that show. It might be fun to do what you’d need to do to get on that show, but…”

  “It would definitely be fun,” Brian said, twenty percent humoring her and eighty percent meaning it like he never meant anything more.

  “So, we’re good. I can sleep now.” Closing her eyes, she slumped into the pillow with her lower body still uncovered.

  He took one last look at it, because—as Jillian had said—it was only fair. He shook his head, admiring the whole picture, and then he exhaled and pulled her robe down over her exposed parts. After covering her with the sheet and blanket, he pulled the panties from his pocket, grinned, dropped them on the bed, and left the room.