Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  Then Brian cleared his throat. “We’d better get that on the cake before it cools.”

  He walked her through pouring it and spreading it evenly over the cake. As she poured it, she drifted away to a place somewhere, wearing less clothing and pouring the chocolate over something more fun—like each other. He seemed caught up in something similar with his eyes glazing over. She snapped out of it first, and when he finally did, he helped her smooth the ganache over the cake by steadying her hand as he looked over her shoulder, their bodies pressed together. When they finished, the cake looked magnificent, and they put it into the refrigerator to set.

  Brian looked into her eyes. “Do you want to, uh—”

  “What?” Jillian asked, looking at him anxiously with her lips slightly parted.

  “Hit some balls?”

  She beamed. “See you out there in two minutes.”

  They both rushed upstairs as if the conversation had gone more like, We’ve only got about an hour. Do you want to get naked and do it? She stripped down to underwear seconds after entering her room. Jillian decided to change her panties to something a little sexier, since they would be on display—at least partially—when she bent over to retrieve balls from the court, and maybe she planned on doing a little more of that than was actually necessary.

  Once they were on the court, the intensity level picked up right where they left off the last time they played. They both grunted during some key shots, almost to the point where someone only listening might think the on court couple was having some mind-blowing sex. From all outward appearances tennis became this intense sensual experience for both of them. It was adorable in a somewhat disturbingly lame way. It really was their sex replacement.

  Brian took the first set, and they tied in the second at six-all. The bulge in his shorts may have been related to her panties being visible on several occasions—at least Jillian thought she witnessed a bit more swelling in that area than was needed for a game of tennis. She was wet almost the entire match, a combination of feeling the sexy underwear against her skin, along with her proximity to the guy she was at the very least incredibly attracted to, if not smitten with completely.

  The tiebreak to decide the second set was long and grueling, and it was the climax of the match in more ways than one. In a tennis tiebreak the first player to get seven points wins, as long as he/she wins by at least two points. Brian and Jillian traded points all the way, until they each tied at sixteen points, which is equivalent to playing nearly six full games of tennis. When Jillian called the score, they both stopped and looked at each other.

  She said, “This is exactly that Borg-McEnroe 1980 Wimbledon fourth set tiebreak.”

  He nodded. “And I’m McEnroe.”

  “Go ahead, be McEnroe.” She grinned. “He may have won the tiebreak, but he eventually lost the match.”

  While McEnroe did win his memorable tiebreak 18–16, Jillian and Brian’s didn’t end in the same way. They continued trading points up to twenty all. Brian and Jillian were both playing aggressively and taking chances, even though they were visibly exhausted and sluggish between points. Brian had six opportunities to win the match, but each time, Jillian was able to erase the set point with a tough shot, a lucky bounce, or an error on his part. She didn’t have a set point opportunity until she went up 21–20. That’s when Brian hit a shot into the net.

  Serving her first set point, she held her head high as she looked at him. “Don’t get discouraged because you blew all those match points, but I’m going to put you away right here. You had your chances, but this is getting ridiculous.”

  Brian mock-glared at her panting as he struggled to catch his breath. “Bring it.”

  Jillian blasted a serve to his forehand, and he hit a good, deep approach shot, and then rushed to the net. She drove a shot down the line to his forehand. Brian dove, barely got his racquet on the ball, and hit a brilliant touch drop volley. He ended up splayed out flat on the court.

  Rushing the net, she stuck her racquet forward and stretched with everything she had without looking. She caught the ball on the edge of her racquet, apparently just before the second bounce, and it flew over the net for a winner. He watched as she hit the shot, though his view was partially blocked by the net.

  She looked at him breathless. “I’m not sure I got it, did you see?”

  “Nice shot. It was clean.” Too exhausted to continue, he rolled over, pulled his legs toward his chest, and looked at the scrapes on his knees.

  She rushed to his side of the net. “Your get was incredible—like a young Boris Becker. Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine,” he said as he slowly got to his feet.

  Jillian trailed behind while he limped slightly to the bench, and they rested there for a few minutes in a sort of pseudo postcoital, spent bliss. Then, they looked at each other wearing the same “I-can’t-do-it-anymore” expression.

  She sighed. “We’ll have to finish this another time.”

  Glancing over at her, he simply nodded.

  She took a sip of water as her eyes lingered on his muscular legs. “Um, what are you doing later?”

  “Nothing, I think.”

  “We’ve got that cake for dessert, so why don’t I make us some dinner?”

  He smiled. “I think Rob is with Laura tonight, so that sounds great.”

  After she showered, Jillian left for the store. Rob came back and told Brian he needed him to come with him somewhere but wouldn’t tell him where. Brian told him he’d planned to do some school work that night, and he needed to be back by seven. Rob agreed and waited for him in the car. Brian left Jillian a note, telling her that he was with Rob and that he’d certainly be back by 7:00.

  Rob picked up two other guys and told Brian he had a surprise for him, but he wouldn’t be any more specific. When they were still driving about an hour later, Brian checked the time and saw it was already after 5:00. He began to get concerned, but he didn’t want to come off like a douchebag, so he didn’t say a word. He tried to mimic the excited look on the faces of Rob and the other two guys, who obviously knew where they were headed.

  When they pulled into the parking lot of the strip club, Rob announced, “This place is great. Some really hot girls here and they take it all off.”

  “Awesome.” Brian forced a smile.

  Inside the club, it was instantly clear that Rob was right. The girls were hot and naked, and there were gorgeous bodies everywhere you looked. Rob handed Brian a stack of singles and a few fives and told him to live it up. Rob told him he was hoping this might help snap him from his Natalie related funk. They had a few drinks, and Brian went through the motions for Rob’s sake. At 6:30, he went to the bathroom and sent Jillian a text message:

  I’m so sorry. Rob had a surprise for me. We’re at least an hour away, and it doesn’t look like we’re leaving any time soon. Really sorry. I don’t know what to say.

  After Jillian read the message, she texted back that she understood. She’d gone all out that night buying steak and lobster and preparing some fancy side dishes. Frowning, she ate a small meal, put the side dishes in the refrigerator, cleaned the kitchen, cut a big piece of the ganache cake, and went upstairs to her bedroom. She enjoyed the cake as she typed away on her computer. In a zone again with her writing, she worked until just after midnight.

  Rob dropped Brian off and headed back to Laura’s to work off some of the excitement he’d generated at the strip club. Brian went into the house, opened the refrigerator, and saw the uncooked lobster and steak. He also noticed a slice of cake was missing from their masterpiece. Slipping up to Jillian’s room, he found her sound asleep and stood watching her for a few seconds. The empty plate was next to the bed, and she looked too peaceful to disturb.

  He took her plate down and cut himself a slice of cake. He placed the plate on the kitchen island, went into the great room, and selected one of Jillian’s novels from the shelf. Returning to the kitchen, he pulled a stool over to the island and sa
t there savoring the cake and enjoying Jillian’s steamy, erotic novel even more.

  25

  The next morning, Jillian entered Brian’s room, dressed formally for an appointment. She discovered him sleeping with a copy of her novel, Longings Lost, lying on his chest. Smiling, she grabbed the book, placed it on the table next to him, and left the room. She wrote the guys a note, telling them she’d be out most of the day. Jillian’s appointment was with the division head of her publisher’s imprint. They met to discuss a movie producer’s interest in adapting one of her novels for the screen.

  After her appointment, Jillian checked her cell phone calendar; it reminded her of a date she had set up a few weeks before. She’d joined a popular Internet dating site a few months back and had finally accepted a request. After checking out the man’s photo and trading a few e-mails, she’d agreed to the date. The dinner, scheduled for that night at seven at the Cheesecake Factory, was in the restaurant row adjacent to the mall, just a few blocks from her house. She’d forgotten about it until seeing the appointment on her Blackberry.

  Brian spent most of the day alone at the house. He woke up late, read Jillian’s note, sat by the pool, hit balls against the ball machine for an hour in the hot sun, and then went for a swim to cool off. Sitting next to the pool, he thought about Jillian. He wanted to apologize to her for not making the dinner, and he was disappointed that she was out all day. Rob called Brian and told him he would be with Laura most of the day but asked if Brian wanted to go see a movie that night. After agreeing to meet Rob later, Brian fell asleep by the pool then went inside.

  When he spotted Jillian’s car in the driveway, he searched the house for her and discovered the door to her bedroom was now closed. He took a shower then headed downstairs. When she came down, she found him in the great room watching television. She appeared standing before him, looking a little nervous but breathtakingly beautiful in her skirt and blouse.

  “How do I look?”

  With his mouth hanging open, Brian’s gaze traveled up her body, but he failed to reply.

  She grinned. “So?”

  “Sorry. You look… fantastic. Where are you off to?”

  “A date. A blind date that I set up weeks ago and completely forgot about.”

  Giving her an apologetic look, he stood and took a few steps to her. “I’m so sorry about missing dinner. I didn’t know what Rob had planned.”

  “Don’t worry about it. Did you eat?”

  “No.”

  “Make those steaks for yourself if you want.”

  Looking herself over in the mirror, she frowned. “I look awful.”

  “You really look amazing.” Brian titled his head as he checked her out from head to toe. His head snapped upright as she turned to him.

  She smiled. “You’re sweet. I really hope this guy isn’t a lunatic, or anything.” As she headed from the room, she called back, “Have fun tonight, and eat those steaks.”

  Watching her go, he shared the hope that the guy wasn’t a lunatic, but he did pray that her date was a complete loser or at the very least not her type.

  As Jillian approached the right turn into the parking garage, a red car, speeding from the other direction made a left turn in front of her, cutting her off. Slamming on the brakes, she avoided a collision. She pulled in behind the red Mercedes convertible, expecting some sort of apologetic gesture from the driver, but none came. The driver pushed the button for his ticket, got it, and when the gate flew up, he took off. As she drove around looking for a space in the crowded garage, she saw the red Mercedes again. This time, it was parked, and the male driver was heading her way. She rolled down the window, and as he neared the car, she said, “You realize you cut me off back there?”

  The man didn’t even bother to look at her. “Sorry, lady, but I’m late.”

  It had been a few weeks since Jillian had seen the online photo of her date, and although the man seemed somewhat familiar, she could not be sure, but she hoped that wasn’t her guy.

  Making her way to the bar of the restaurant, she scanned the room and was relieved not to find the guy who drove the Mercedes waiting for her there. Her date was to meet her at the bar at seven. Arriving a little early for a nerve-calming cocktail, she was on her second, fifteen minutes later, when a man approached the bar. He spotted Jillian, walked to her, and introduced himself as Matt. She instantly recognized him as the guy who had cut her off minutes ago, but she chose not to mention it—at least initially. They agreed to have a drink at the bar, since there was a thirty-minute wait for a table.

  Matt ordered a third drink for her and one for himself. Jillian had not eaten anything in about seven hours, and she was starting to feel the effects of the alcohol in a big way. He was a self-centered pinhead who gave himself away not only with his rude driving, but by the way he complained about his drink, about the restaurant, about the wait, and about pretty much everything else in the place.

  While still sitting at the bar, nursing her third drink, Jillian looked down and noticed the outline of a familiar object in the pocket of Matt’s pants. She looked again, to be sure, but with the way he was sitting and the way his pants fit tightly, she could clearly see the unmistakable ring of a condom showing right through the thin fabric. Holding back a smile, she took a tiny sip of her drink and summoned some courage.

  She gave him a serious look. “You know, you cut me off on the way into the garage. I was the one who spoke to you in the parking lot.”

  “Oh, sorry about that.” Glancing at her face, he put on an apologetic smile. “It’s been a long day, and I thought I was late so, again, really sorry about that.”

  She took another sip of her drink and ran her hand along the side of the glass. “But I saw you out there about twenty minutes before you made it in here.”

  “I had to pick something up in the mall.”

  “What?” Jillian asked.

  He stammered, “I, um, just was checking on some contact lenses I ordered.”

  After taking a deep breath, she looked him in the eye and said in a harsh tone, “I’m going to guess that there were no contact lenses.”

  He grinned at her as if she might be kidding. When her facial expression didn’t change, he frowned. “What are you trying to say?”

  “Matt, I’m thinking that maybe… you went to the drugstore.” She raised her eyebrows.

  He chuckled nervously.

  Tilting her head back, she looked down her nose at him. “Did you possibly buy some condoms, because you assumed that you might be getting really lucky tonight?”

  He scoffed. “Did you follow me? Are you insane?”

  She shook her head and simply pointed to his pocket.

  He looked down, noticed the obvious ring, and gave her a smug smile. “I knew I should have kept them in the box. Would it make any difference if I told you they’re Magnums?”

  She gave him a sickened look. “Not a bit.”

  “Look, Jillian, I was running late, and I was going to bring them to the car but didn’t want to be any later meeting you than I already was.”

  “That’s thoughtful of you, Matt, but I think I’m just going to go.” Then she got up and walked away, a little woozy from the cocktails.

  Jillian left the restaurant and walked into the mall courtyard area. She bought a pretzel and a Coke hoping to sober up enough to make the three-block drive home. She finished her pretzel and as she walked, sipping her coke, she spotted Brian sitting on a bench outside the movie theater.

  She walked up to him. “Hey.”

  “Oh, hey.” He looked up at her surprised.

  “What are you doing here?”

  “Rob’s meeting me for a movie.” He turned to her, cocking his head. “That date didn’t last long.”

  “No it didn’t.” She stumbled a little and he reached out, taking hold of her arm to steady her.

  “You okay?”

  “I had a little too much to drink on an empty stomach.” She sat on the bench next to h
im.

  “So, what happened?”

  “Let me put it this way.” Pausing a moment, she held back a smile. “What kind of guy arrives late for a date and has condoms showing in his pocket?”

  “A giant asshole,” Brian said playing along.

  “Right, and what kind of giant asshole then tries to diffuse the situation by telling you the condoms are Magnums?”

  “A giant asshole with a giant penis.”

  She smiled. “Right again.”

  “I take it there won’t be a second date.”

  She blew out a dramatic huff. “You’ve got that right.”

  “Do you want to join us?”

  “No, I think I’ll just go home and boil up those lobsters.”

  Brian’s phone rang. He checked the display and answered. “Hey Rob…. No problem…. Sure, I understand…. Okay.”

  After hanging up, he grinned at Jillian. “Evidently you aren’t the only one with relationship trouble tonight. Laura found out about our trip last night to the strip club, and she’s not happy.”

  “He took you to a strip club last night?” She shook her head with mock disgust.

  After nodding, he looked her in the eye. “Why don’t you come to the movie with me? I already bought two tickets, and you probably shouldn’t drive home like this.”

  “You’re right. I think I will.” She grinned. “And I haven’t been to the movies a little drunk since I was like seventeen. This could be fun.”

  “Let’s get you some dinner first. We’ve got, like, twenty minutes.”

  “What are we seeing?”

  “Battle: Los Angeles. Rob wanted to see it. It’s a sci-fi action thing.” Brian gave her an apologetic look.

  “I’ve got a better idea. For a science fiction movie…” She wrinkled her nose. “…I’m going to actually need more to drink. Let’s sneak in something. It’ll be like high school.”