Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

She made a face. “What should I call, you know, all the parts.”

  “No, you’re right that’s a good word.” He nodded with a big smile. “I like that rule. And if I’m not mistaken, we haven’t violated it yet.” He cocked his head. “At least, I know I haven’t.”

  “Neither have I. I only looked,” she replied quickly. “So, good, it’s settled, then. Rule Number One is no touching of each other’s genitalia.”

  He pondered this a second and then took another hit off the joint. “Breasts aren’t really considered genitalia, are they?”

  He handed her the joint, and she took a deep hit. “Right. No, they aren’t. Is that a problem?”

  “Well, you probably don’t want me to just grab them, or anything. That could jeopardize the whole F.W.P.B. relationship.”

  “F.W… what?” She narrowed her eyes perplexed.

  “Friends With Partial… F.W.P.B,” he said with a rolling hand motion and her face lit up with recognition.

  Her eyes opened wide. “And what about your ass?”

  “What about my ass?” Leaning closer to her, Brian asked eagerly.

  “It would probably violate,” she motioned to him with her hand, “as you say, the whole F.W.P.B. thing, if I touched your ass.”

  “Football players pat each other’s asses.”

  She touched her chin. “So the ass is okay, but the ass…” she paused for emphasis with her finger moving from one imaginary word in front of her to the other, “…hole… is not.”

  “Exactly. You just can’t go around touching someone there.”

  “Unless, of course, you’re having sex with him… or her.”

  “And sex is certainly against the rules here.” After Jillian gave him a big nod, Brian added, “And that would knock your ass… hole out of contention also.”

  “Clearly.”

  “So no touching of genitals, breasts, or ass… holes,” he said proudly.

  “I think we can put Rule Number One to bed.”

  They both sat back, thinking for a moment. After brushing the hair from her face, she sat up in her chair and turned to him. “No telling anyone about F.W.P.B. People are so judgmental, and they wouldn’t understand it.”

  He met her gaze. “Just like Fight Club.”

  She looked blankly at him.

  “The first rule of fight club is don’t tell anyone about fight club… Brad Pitt.”

  “Right, right, right.” She nodded.

  “So, that’s two.” After taking a hit, she passed the joint to him.

  “Okay, how about number three is no… kissing?”

  “Just no… mouth kissing.” She smiled at her contribution. “A cheek kiss is probably safe.”

  “Definitely.” Brian narrowed his eyes as if they had missed something obvious. “No mouth kissing or kissing any of the aforementioned areas in Rule Number One.”

  “Why don’t we just amend the first rule to be no touching or kissing of the mouth or any of those things defined in Rule Number One?” Jillian said, making a face which seemed to indicate she was half-proud of herself and half struggling with her logic.

  He pursed his lips, trying to follow her reasoning. Then it came to him. “Two reasons. One: then it would be no touching of the mouth, and that doesn’t seem to be a problem; plus, having three rules makes it seem like we really, really did our homework here.”

  She cocked her head, pushing a loose hair behind her ear. “Agreed.”

  “So, we have our rules?”

  “We have ‘em.”

  Brian stood and looked over the balcony at the pool. Jillian joined him, and there they remained for a few moments in silence.

  He turned to her. “So, what the hell can we do?”

  “Good question,” she replied as they both tilted their heads skyward obviously pondering what they could do, given the semi-brilliant, yet somewhat restrictive rules. She dropped her chin and her eyes brightened. “I’ve lived here ten years, and I’ve never once gone skinny dipping.”

  “I’ve never either.” He pondered this for a moment. “I don’t think that violates any of the rules. It’s really a perfect F.W.P.B. activity, because you really shouldn’t swim alone.”

  “Swimming alone is dangerous.”

  Brian nodded in agreement. “Let’s say you don’t have a significant other, just like the two of…” He pointed back and forth between them, making eyes at her. “Then who else could you possibly skinny dip with?”

  “You just wouldn’t be able to do it.” After holding her head high, seemingly proud of their accomplishment, her expression suddenly became serious. “But what if Rob comes home?”

  “He’s staying at Laura’s all night.” He gave her a big, wide smile.

  Grinning at him, she pulled her shirt over her head, and tossed it on the chair. She shimmied out of her skirt and stood in front of him wearing another heart-stopping, matching bra and panty set.

  “Do you have any more of that pot?” Brian asked.

  “I do.” She bounced on her heels, raising her eyebrows. “I’ll get it and meet you in the pool.”

  He sat in the chair and struggled, trying to remove his shoes. Jillian unhooked her bra as she headed into the bedroom. Once his shoes were off, he stepped into the room and pulled off his shirt. He spotted her coming out of the bathroom bare ass naked and holding another joint in her hand, with her mouth wide open as if to say, “Look what I found.” Smiling, she rushed out the door and into the hall.

  Brian sprang into action. Hurriedly, he pushed his shorts down his legs where they got caught around his ankles. As he tried to free himself, he lost his balance and fell to the carpet. He flipped over, quickly pulled off all his remaining clothes, and started after her. Before he made it through the bedroom door, he heard her splash into the pool.

  When Brian reached the pool, Jillian was floating on her back with the moonlight shining on her beautiful breasts. He stood, nude, watching her from the edge of the pool for a moment, and then dove in and swam under the water to the other side. When he came back to the surface, he found her by the pool’s edge, lighting the new joint. She looked at him. “I think I’m really f’ing high, but I feel like I’m thinking so incredibly clearly right now.”

  He nodded. “I know exactly what you mean. This must be some special, new, clear-thinking blend of marijuana.”

  “I think you’re right.” She set the joint down on the patio and swam to the center of the pool to join him.

  Brian gave her a serious look. “I’m sure compliments are fine, aren’t they?”

  Jillian shook her head enthusiastically.

  “You have really freaking incredible breasts—like world-class, incredible breasts. And your ass, I uh saw it just briefly as you ran by, but really the whole package… how are you not married, again? It makes absolutely no sense and, uh…” His words trailed off a little shyly at the end.

  “You are thinking clearly.” Jillian grinned. “I think you are a wonderful young man, and any girl would be lucky to be with you. Natalie will realize that soon, I’m sure of it.”

  “Thanks.” He smiled genuinely. “This partial benefits thing is great, because sometimes you just want to look at a really nice set of breasts. And you don’t want to go on the Internet.”

  “Too creepy,” Jillian said.

  “You don’t want to go to a strip club.”

  “Too sleazy.”

  He lifted his palms up and widened his eyes. “And you currently find yourself sans girlfriend.”

  Shaking her head sadly, she gazed at him. “Just plain sad.”

  “But with this situation, when the mood strikes, I could just say, ‘Please, show me your breasts.’ Not just any breasts; ones so beautiful that Picasso would have killed to paint them, by the way.” Jillian nodded a thank you, and he continued, “And if I did ask, and you were in the mood, you would do it.”

  “Are you asking?”

  “I am!”

  Jillian swam over to the edge, grabbed the
joint, took a hit, and then began to hoist herself from the pool, her curvy ass staring right at him for a few seconds. She stayed in that sexy position as she kicked her feet and struggled to lift herself from the water. Breathlessly, he watched her.

  Turning, she sat on the edge to face him and then held her breasts together for his pleasure.

  “Nice.” Brian swam over to her, grabbed the joint, and took a hit. He put it back down, moved directly in front of her, grabbed one of her feet, and massaged it. “This is also, within the rules.”

  Laughing, she leaned back, obviously enjoying the rub as he studied her foot in the moonlight. “Jesus, even your feet are, like, perfectly shaped, your toes are exquisite, and…”

  She gazed down at him. “I’m really starting to like this whole thing.”

  He rubbed her foot harder, more sensually as he wore a serious expression. “And when we play tennis, it’s like we’re… we’re so in sync.”

  She looked at him, breathing heavily and nodding as if he were stealing the words right out of her mouth.

  Brian gently kissed her foot. “Also, not rule-breaking behavior.” He kissed each one of her toes while she stared at him desperately. Then he gently placed her foot back into the water, swam out to the center of the pool, and treaded water. After catching her breath, she slipped into the pool and followed him.

  She treaded water alongside him with her breathing a little quieter now. “I’ve never been so connected, so attracted, and so in tune with another person in my life, and yet I don’t need to actually have sex with you. I mean, I’d love to really screw your brains out right now, but…”

  He gave her a casual look. “Oh, me also.”

  Jillian started again, “But since we can’t, for obvious reasons, I’m so totally fine with this arrangement.”

  “We’ve only known each other, like, five days, but it seems like forever. I could go on like this for years and years.”

  “Yes, me too,” Jillian said while spinning and treading water.

  Brian mimicked her silly spin move. “That tiebreak we played the other day was like…” They each stopped spinning and gazed into each other’s eyes as Brian collected his thoughts and then continued, “…sex. That last long point, where we were both focused and absolutely nailing the ball and pushing each other to the limit was like… our sex, you know? And when you won the point with that amazing shot, and we both just were trying to catch our breath, it was like we… we came together.”

  She looked at him as if she wanted to fuck the rules and him right along with them, there in the water.

  He stared deeply into her eyes. “We don’t have to fuck, because when we play tennis, it’s like we’re fucking. When we play, it feels like I’m inside you, you know?”

  “Uh-huh,” was all she could manage to say.

  They continued treading water, just staring at each other for a few seconds longer while barely breathing. Pulling himself back to reality, he shook his head quickly, and then moved away from her. He swam over to take a hit off the joint. He turned back to her and looked her in the eye. “I’m completely hard just talking about that tiebreak.”

  “Let’s see,” Jillian said breathlessly.

  Brian quickly switched to the backstroke and his erect penis stuck out of the water in her full view as he swam toward her. He said, “Are we really that high, or is this whole partial benefits thing just about the best fucking idea that two people ever came up with?”

  She nodded in silence, unable to take her eyes off his erection.

  “My dick is so hard right now, but I don’t really need to sleep with you.”

  “Uh, huh. Best… idea… ever,” she said softly and sounding completely unconvinced.

  “Do you have any more of that pot that I can take back to school with me?”

  Before she could answer, the lights in the house blasted on. Her eyes went to the patio door. “Oh no.”

  Quickly Brian sank under water, and they both swam to the edge of the pool closest to the house. Rob appeared at the door, carrying a beer. Jillian pulled Brian over a few feet, under the cover of the diving board, as Rob walked out to the patio and sat at the table, about fifteen feet away. The naked couple held perfectly still and silently giggled just out of Rob’s view. After putting out the joint, she waved the smoke away with her hand.

  Rob took a sip from his beer, pulled out his cell phone, and typed a text message. When he received a reply, he let out a huge belch followed by a string of expletives, and then typed another message. He finished his beer in a few big chugs, then he farted loudly. The baked couple in the pool covered their mouths to keep from bursting out laughing. Rob stood and went into the house. He closed the door and when Jillian heard the click of the door lock, her smile disappeared. “Oh shit.”

  “Oh shit, what?” Brian asked.

  “I’m pretty sure that he locked us out.”

  “What are we going to do?” Brian smiled his high still in full swing.

  “He’ll never believe that we’re just two friends taking a late-night nude swim.”

  “No, probably not.” He tapped his lip. “Do you have a towel or anything out here?”

  “Nothing.”

  “Shit!”

  They watched as the lights on the first level of the house turned off. Quietly getting out of the pool, she made her way to the patio door. She attempted to open it and every window on the back of the house and found them all locked. Smiling broadly, Brian admired the look of her body from his vantage point in the pool.

  She looked back at him and snapped in an angry whisper, “Are you coming?”

  28

  Naked and dripping wet, Jillian and Brian snuck around to the front of the house. Checking the front door and windows, she found them all locked. They rushed over to her other car, found it unlocked, and climbed into the back seat. Jillian leaned over into the front seat to reach the glove box and search for a spare key. While she did, Brian sat back and appreciated the view. He placed a hand on her ass, and she turned to glare at him.

  He looked at her confidently. “I was nowhere near the, uh—”

  “Is this really the time?” She gave him a tired look.

  He rolled his eyes, as she closed the glove box and then returned to the back seat without the key. Sitting back, she put on a serious expression. “I know… Victoria has a spare key, and she only lives two blocks away.”

  She gave him the address and explicit instructions to return quickly with the key.

  He opened the door, got out of the car, and quietly headed off. As he walked toward Victoria’s, he was having a hard time keeping a straight face because of the lingering effects of the pot. He snuck down the street, completely naked and trying to stay out of sight, while repeating the address over and over so he wouldn’t forget. “Fourteen Seventeen. Fourteen Seventeen.” When he reached the correct address, he rushed to the front door, rang the bell, and waited without bothering to cover his groin. Victoria looked through the sidelight. When she saw it was Brian and that he was dressed very, very, let’s say… comfortably, she ripped open the door and yanked him inside before he had a chance to say a thing.

  Closing the door, she shook her head with a grin on her face, just admiring his body. He stood before her with his arms folded, wearing an impaired glassy-eyed stare. Her eyes finally traveled up to his face. “Does Jillian know you’re here?”

  “She sent me.”

  Victoria’s smile widened. “Really?”

  He added, “She sent me to get her spare key.”

  “Oh.” Her eyebrows drew together in a frown.

  Looking down, he noticed everything was completely out and quickly covered it up with both hands. “Sorry about that.”

  She glanced down and shrugged. “Don’t worry about it. Why do you need the spare key?”

  “We kinda locked ourselves out.”

  “Naked?”

  “Well, yes, we were swimming, and Rob locked us out.”

  �
�You guys did it!” She shot him a big grin.

  “No, we decided to just be friends. Only friends…it’s way too complicated, and I’m still in love with Natalie—at least, I think I am. She can do this thing with her leg—”

  “Friends who swim naked together in a pool?” she interrupted as she shook her head with her nose wrinkled.

  “Exactly! We have this whole cool arrangement called friends—” He stopped himself suddenly remembering the rules. Turning a fake key on his lips, he shut them tight, his shoulders bouncing as he fought back a chuckle.

  She looked at him as if he was crazy. Then her expression shifted and a slight grin spread over her lips. “So, Jillian said you were only going to be friends?”

  “Uh-huh.”

  “Sorry, so to be clear, only friends. She used those words.”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, that’s interesting and you’re here”—she raised her eyebrows up suggestively—“and you’re not wearing anything.”

  He bounced up on his toes. “Yep.”

  Victoria rubbed her chin in a play of amusement while staring at his pecs. “Where’s Jillian?”

  “Hiding in her car.”

  “Naked?”

  “Yes, she is. I’m kind of in a hurry, since she’s naked and all, so if I could just get some clothes and the key, I’ll…”

  “Relax, she’ll be fine for a few more minutes.” She waved a dismissive hand at him as she continued to look him over quizzically. “Are you drunk?”

  “Not really. I mean, I had some drinks earlier, but I’m fine now.” He broke into silly laughter for no apparent reason. “Yep, I’m more than fine.”

  “Okay…” She eyed him strangely then she cocked her head. “So, Jillian really is locked out and stuck in the car?”

  He nodded.

  She sighed. “Well, then let me get you all taken care of.”

  She took off and returned with the keys, a pair of the tightest, shortest shorts, and a half shirt. When she handed him the clothes, he scoffed. “You’re serious?”

  “That’s really all I have,” she said with a straight face.

  With Victoria eyeing him up and down, he slipped on the tight shirt that barely covered his stomach then struggled to pull on the shorts. Once he had them fully on, an uncomfortable look appeared on his face, as the super-tight shorts were smothering all of his manly parts. When Brian shimmied uncomfortably, he popped out the side of the shorts. He looked relieved until he glanced down and saw it hanging there. Chuckling, he glanced at her. “I guess I can’t go out like this.”