Seriously Messed Up: A Laugh Out Loud Romantic Comedy

by Luke Young

  She smiled. “Well, you really know how to do that part, too.”

  “Beginner’s luck… But the oral sex… Uh, not so good?” He looked up, dreading her response.

  Turning toward him, she traced a finger along his forearm. “It started… good, I guess. You just need some practice. There’s a big learning curve there.”

  “Okay, I’ll work on it.”

  After they shared a smile, she looked down at his penis, grinned, and grabbed it for Round Two.

  18

  When Jim awoke, Caroline was gone, but she had left him a note with her phone number next to his wallet, which still had three hundred dollars inside. He had locked the remaining $7,000 inside the room safe while she was filling the bathtub the previous night. He was smitten with her—and horny—but not stupid. He wore a smile that would not go away as he got dressed and headed down to the casino.

  He bought five hundred dollars’ worth of chips at the blackjack table and lost it in about four minutes. After dropping another five hundred, he got the hell out of the casino with more than $6,000 in cash still in his wallet. He went to the gift shop and bought a two-hundred-dollar pair of sunglasses and hung them on the collar of his shirt.

  He walked out to find Jillian and Brian heading to the front desk. He was beaming, and Brian noticed. “Looks like you had a good night.”

  “Oh, the best.”

  The three of them stood at the front desk as the clerk printed up a copy of the bill and handed it to Jillian. The clerk asked, “Ms. Grayson, should I put that on your American Express?”

  “Yes, please.” Looking at the bill, she frowned. “Fourteen hundred eighty-seven dollars and sixteen cents? This can’t be right.”

  She held it so Brian could see. He glanced at the bill. “The Plato Suite, $800!”

  Slipping his sunglasses over his eyes, Jim grinned. “I upgraded.”

  “Two in-room massages, $400. What, you needed a massage to relax after your massage?” Brian asked in complete amazement.

  “I had a friend over.”

  Jillian and Brian shared a shocked look. Just then, Caroline spotted him as she stood with her sister in the lobby. She called out, “Hey, James.”

  Turning to her, Jim removed his sunglasses, smiled, and then rushed over while Jillian and Brian stared at him in disbelief. When Jim reached her, he laughed and touched her arm as he leaned in close to whisper something in her ear.

  After shaking his head, Brian whispered to Jillian, “He’s paying you back.”

  Jim turned back, slipped on his sunglasses, and headed to the desk, wearing a huge smile. He walked up the clerk and took out his wallet. “Is it too late to pay cash?”

  “No.”

  Opening his wallet, Jim counted out fifteen $100 bills, and handed them to the clerk. He turned to Brian. “My treat.”

  They just stared at him, dumbfounded.

  He asked, “What?”

  “Where did you get $1500?”

  “You mean, where did I get $7,000?”

  Brian’s eyes widened, “Seven… Yeah, where?”

  “The casino.”

  Jim turned to the clerk, who returned his change. Then he asked Jillian, “Do you want me to get the car from the valet?”

  “Sure, yeah…” she replied mesmerized.

  “Do you have the ticket?”

  She shook her head, then reached into her purse and handed over the ticket.

  Looking at Caroline, Jim smiled and waved.

  She yelled back, “Call me, James.”

  “James?” Brian asked sarcastically.

  Jim turned to him then raised his sunglasses off his nose. “Nash… James Nash.” Dropping the sunglasses back into position, he gave them a slight grin.

  They watched him in awe as he headed toward the valet station.

  19

  From the backseat, during the drive home, Jim shared the whole story. He told them in great detail about how he won over seven grand, and how the prostitute propositioned him and offered him anal sex. When Jillian heard the A-word, she secretly squeezed Brian’s knee. Jim went on to tell them how he met Caroline, and everything they did together.

  Jillian wanted all the explicit details, and he shared them. She asked if she could use this in her next book, and he agreed. As Jim shared the story, Jillian and Brian glanced at each other with a sexy look that screamed they wanted to pull to the side of the road and do it. Of course, that wasn’t an option.

  As they pulled into the Nash driveway, Jim noticed his parents’ car was gone. He said, “That’s weird. They must be out.”

  After Jim and Jillian climbed out of the car, Brian rolled down the window and smiled. “You guys behave yourselves while you’re alone together. No showering.” He backed the car out of the driveway and drove away.

  Jim asked, “Where’s he off to?”

  “Visiting some old friend. I think his name is Rick,” Jillian replied as they headed into the house.

  As Jillian washed her hands in the bathroom, she heard Jim loudly call her name. She rushed out, followed his voice into the master bedroom, and found him standing in the middle of a sitting room off the bedroom. The room was filled with sex paraphernalia.

  They both stood speechless as their eyes went from one item to the next; a sex swing, a cabinet with assorted dildos sitting on top of it, along with harnesses and strap-on mechanisms of every size and shape. In the center was a video camera, and on the wall, a large plasma TV. There wasn’t a single window in the room, and in one corner there was a door to a small closet. They looked open-mouthed at each other.

  “What the hell is this?” Jillian asked.

  “Got me. There’s a bolt lock on the door, and it was always locked. My father’s valuable stamp collection was supposed to be in here.”

  “How’d you—”

  “I just noticed it was open and, uh…”

  Jim’s words died in his throat as his eyes fell on a mannequin head that sat on a small table. Jillian’s eyes were also locked on the head. Secured on the head was a harness with a giant, black dildo protruding from the mouth area. They walked to it and just stared.

  “Which one of them do you think wears this?” Jillian asked.

  “I, uh, sure hope my dad does, I think…”

  She cringed. “I guess either one of them could.”

  “Huh,” he said, nodding absently while still studying it.

  “How do you breathe in that thing?” she asked, her brow furrowed.

  Before he could respond, they heard a noise from inside the house. They both plainly heard his mother’s voice as she said, “Hurry up before the kids get back.”

  Jillian and Jim quickly headed to the bedroom, then toward the hall. Seeing a shadow coming near them, Jim turned and pushed Jillian back inside the sex room. They shared a panicked look. He pointed to the closet, and Jillian opened it and slipped inside. He went back and swung the door to the bedroom until it was open only about an inch or so, exactly as he’d found it. Then, he rushed into the small closet and closed the door. They both stood in the dark area, holding their breath and listening. The light from under the door lit up the room just slightly.

  First they heard footsteps on the hardwood floor, then a door’s bolt lock turning and a belt buckle opening.

  “Aren’t you forgetting something?” Beverly asked in a harsh tone.

  “Oh, sorry.”

  After a moment, they began in unison, “Oh, Higher Power, please forgive us as we surrender to the pleasures of the flesh. We know that having sexual relations while not attempting to conceive is a sin, but we are weak, and we know not what we do. Amen.”

  As Jillian and Jim’s eyes adjusted to the light, they stood a foot apart and made crazy eyes at each other. Jim quietly moved to sit on the floor, and Jillian joined him. Next, they heard the belt buckle jingling, then clothing being unzipped and removed.

  Beverly said, “We don’t have time for any toys; just get hard, so I can suck you.”
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  Jim’s and Jillian’s mouths dropped open.

  Edward said, “Yeah that’s it, you filthy whore, suck it.”

  Jillian mouthed, “OH MY GOD” as Jim stared back at her, shaking his head. She paused, thinking, then smiled and pulled out her cell phone. She hit a key; the screen came to life and lit up her face. Jim pulled his phone out and did the same.

  She typed a text: Brian, get the hell back here now. We need you.

  She hit “Send” and turned the phone to Jim so he could see the message. She turned the phone back to herself, hit some keys, and then turned it back to him to show him she had put it in silent mode. She pointed to his phone, and he got the message and did the same. Her phone lit up and vibrated, and she saw it was Brian calling. She let it go to voicemail and typed another message. Jim moved to watch what she typed as the sex noises from the room grew more disgusting, explicit, and louder.

  Don’t call. Can’t talk. Come home now. Trapped in your parents’ sex room closet. Get them out of the house any way you can, but don’t let them know we’re in here.

  Brian’s text immediately shot back, What sex room??????

  The one in that locked room in your parent’s bedroom.

  Seriously?

  JUST GET YOUR ASS THE HELL HERE NOW!

  Be there in 5.

  Jim motioned his fingers between them both and pointed to their phones. She got the message that he wanted to text back and forth with her, but then he pointed to her phone and gave her a quizzical look that said, “I don’t know your number.” After hitting some keys on her phone, she turned the screen to him. He quickly set her up as a contact, typed a message and hit send.

  Before she received the message, they heard Edward say, “I’m going to fuck you with my dirty dick.” They shared a horrified look, and then Jillian checked her phone.

  This is messed up.

  Jillian typed back, “Your parents are freaks, and you guys didn’t think they did it. Well, they do.

  LOL

  Higher Power????????

  They belong to this church. It’s like a cult

  Oh

  From the room, they heard rustling and banging, and suddenly fingers appeared under the door and gripped the bottom of it. They both moved back, frightened. The door shook as Beverly said, “Harder.” Suddenly overcome by the horrible odor of dirty sex, Jillian covered her nose. Jim made a face, and she began to text:

  Do you smell that?

  OMG please kill me!

  They won’t let you masturbate in the house, but they can do things that are illegal in 60 countries!

  LOL but can we talk about something else?

  Please

  Sorry about that shower thing yesterday.

  It was my fault. I jumped in with you… by mistake

  I know, but I didn’t need to have that boner

  My fault

  Can I ask u something?

  Anything

  Am I bigger than Brian?

  Jillian glanced at him, unsure whether she should answer, then shrugged, and texted: Really, this is information you want to have

  Well… yes… he saw me naked once when he was eighteen and I was eleven, and he made fun of mine

  That bastard… I’d say at least two inches more

  I knew it.

  They shared a broad smile.

  Jim typed: Was that 2 inappropriate of a question?

  No, we’ve seen each other naked, and I write dirty erotic books so I think the inappropriate ship has sailed. Nothing is off limits. In fact in one of my novels it took me two paragraphs to describe my main character’s penis, and I spent one whole paragraph just on the head, so I can talk/write about penises all day

  LOL OK but I’m done with the penis questions

  Jillian sent a sad face icon and smiled at him.

  He fired off another text: Can I give you a compliment without it being weird?

  shoot

  OK, then I must tell u your body is perfect… how the hell did my brother get u he’s a douche

  She smiled brightly as she texted: He’s a good guy and he’s cute

  JK he is a good guy, do u have a sister

  LOL no

  Suddenly a huge moan spilled out of Beverly, and then Edward followed with one. Jim and Jillian covered their mouths to keep from really LOLing!

  Jim sent: If he ever screws this up with you I’m available

  LOL OK

  Where is heeee?????

  Don’t know. He will never believe this

  Jim paused a moment, thinking, and his face lit up. He texted back: I’ll record it…

  She returned a smile. He pushed buttons on his phone and held it near the bottom of the door, just in time to hear Beverly moan loudly and say, “Higher Power, thank you so much for Edward’s big cock.”

  Edward said, “Your cunt is so tight.”

  Jim and Jillian shared a sickened look. Then Beverly said, “I’ll bet that whore lets Brian fuck her like this, and she doesn’t even pray after.” Jillian’s jaw hit the floor. As the moaning and inappropriately freaky comments continued, Jillian’s phone lit up. She saw it was a text from Brian.

  I’m here… now what?

  She turned the phone to Jim, so he could read the message, and then they shared a shrug. She thought a moment and smiled as she texted to Brian: Bang on your parents’ door. Tell them you received a text from us that said we were lost in the woods. Have them help you look… get them both out of the house. Then meet us at tree house with parents… hurry!

  Ten seconds later, Jillian and Jim could hear Brian banging. The moaning in the sex room stopped and they heard louder banging.

  Brian shouted, “I need your help! Jillian and Jim are lost in the woods, and I need you to help me find them.”

  Beverly whispered, “Oh, crap. Get dressed. That whore better not be alone with Jim and trying to fornicate with him, too.”

  Edward said, “Shit.”

  From the closet, the trapped pair heard clothes rustling and someone bounce into the door. They held their breath a moment, for fear of being caught.

  Brian yelled, “Are you coming out?”

  Beverly said in a sweet tone, “Just a second, Honey. We’ll be right there.”

  Edward asked, “Do we need to pray?”

  “We didn’t cum yet. So, no, you idiot.”

  Jillian and Jim heard the bolt lock turn, the door open, the two lunatics leave the room, then close and lock the door. After waiting a moment, he opened the closet door slowly, and listened as the voices of Brian and his parents faded away. As they walked into the room, the smell really hit them. They both held their noses and looked like they were about to throw up.

  She whispered, “Just get me out of here!”

  He unlocked the door, and they burst through, each taking a deep breath of fresh air. Turning back, he closed the door and looked at the lock. “I can’t lock it; I need the key.”

  “Just leave it. We’ve got to get out of here.”

  She took off, and he was a step behind her.

  Ten minutes later, Brian and his parents were standing at the base of the tree house. Brian called up, “Jillian?”

  Jillian popped her head through the hole. “Hey, we’re up here.”

  Beverly looked up and frowned. “Brian said you were lost in the woods.”

  “We were just playing a joke on him.” Jillian returned a casual smile. “He didn’t get you two involved, did he?”

  Beverly glared up at her, and Jillian put on a slightly angry face as she said, “I hope he didn’t tear you away from anything… important.”

  Edward and Beverly shared a shocked look and quickly turned their attention to Brian.

  Brian simply said, “Sorry.”

  “Jim, are you up there?” Beverly asked.

  “Yes,” he called down.

  “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Are you dressed?”

  “Mom, of course I am!”
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  Brian stared at her, horrified, as his mother said, “Come down here this instant.”

  Edward yelled up in a stern voice, “Now, young man.”

  Jim came down the ladder, and they looked him over. Ed and Bev turned an angry stare up to Jillian, who was again poking her head out of the hole. Beverly said, “Your father and I have some stamp collecting work to do, and we don’t want to be disturbed.”

  Jillian grinned. “I’d love to see your collection sometime.”

  Edward returned a polite nod, and Beverly dragged him away.

  The three sat up in the tree house. After Brian heard the entire story and had listened to the horrifying recording, he sat shocked, just staring at the floor.

  “Are you going to let her call me a whore?” Jillian asked with an edge to her voice.

  Brian ignored Jillian as he asked Jim, “Do you think we’re adopted? We have to be adopted, right?”

  Jim didn’t answer and instead pleaded, “Take me back to Miami with you guys. Please. I can’t stay here. I don’t think I can ever again.”

  “Don’t you have a summer class?” Brian asked.

  “It doesn’t start for a week.”

  Jillian gave him a motherly look. “Of course you can stay with us. Anytime you want.”

  The “Higher Power” lunatics returned to the sex room and didn’t suspect anything when they found the door unlocked. They just figured that they had forgotten to lock it. They were in too much of a hurry to get back to their unfinished business to give it a second thought. Jim, Brian, and Jillian returned to the house two hours later and found Ed and Bev, appearing oddly calm, in the living room. Brian told them their flight the next day had been cancelled, and they had to get on a plane that day instead. They also informed them that Jim was coming with them. The Nashes didn’t appear pleased that their son was heading off to Miami with Brian and Jillian, but they didn’t try to stop him.