The Rules of Seeing

by Joe Heap

  There is gold and silver tinsel lining every free edge in the café, which Nova likes. She finds decorations funny – the idea of changing the way things look to celebrate an occasion. And, you know, it is very twinkly. She likes the fibre-optic plastic tree that Kate has put up in the flat as a concession to Christmas. Over the counter, a red sign flickers –

  HAP Y

  X-MAS

  They agreed not to get each other presents, but ate a roast dinner a week before Christmas Day, pulled crackers and told each other jokes. They watched one Christmas movie, then put the radio on. Nova had gone home on the train the next day, for her first sighted Christmas, and Kate had wished more than anything she was going with her, to see her unwrapping presents and lighting the pudding. She could imagine Nova’s glee at seeing blue flames dancing on top of something she was about to eat.

  It’s been a month and two weeks since the first night Nova slept over at Kate’s flat. Other than Christmas, she has barely left her side. She was there when the removal company went to Kate’s old apartment to move her stuff. She was more of a hindrance than a help, always in someone’s way as they were carrying a table or an armchair.

  But Kate was always holding onto her hand, always close to her. Nova could tell how difficult it was for her to go back to that place, the place she had shared with Tony, trying to pick it apart like the most complicated knot imaginable. She’d already given notice on the flat, now she just had to wait for everything to be wrapped up. If it helped for Nova to be there, she was happy to help.

  Kate cooked for them, because Nova didn’t cook much for herself. She taught her how to fry an egg and how to chop onions. Nova noticed that Kate never left her alone while she was doing these things. Her protectiveness was both sweet and frustrating at the same time.

  Kate hadn’t woken up screaming again, though she often had bad dreams and would be up in the night. If she was awake, Nova would get up as well and they would sit and listen to the radio, or sometimes they would put their coats on and go for a walk, the cold air playing around their ankles, feeling like they must have broken out of an institution.

  Nova has only been back to her own apartment a couple of times to fetch clothes. Alex has been in touch, but he’s used to her avoiding his questions. Nova isn’t sure what she’s up to, if she’s honest. It just feels like she needs to be here for Kate.

  And, though she tries not to think about it much, Nova wants to be here for herself.

  ‘Are you listening?’

  ‘Huh? What’s up?’ Nova jolts back into the present moment.

  ‘Why is there a sandwich called The Safinova Surprise?’

  A smile spreads over Nova’s face – with everything going on, she had forgotten her favourite thing about Zephirelli’s.

  Nova finds a table while Kate orders. A minute later, Kate returns with a couple of coffees.

  Nova is slouched in a corner booth, apparently at ease, but Kate senses she’s nervous. She feels the tension in Nova’s shoulders, the way her jaw is pulled into her neck. Her own body mirrors these tensions.

  ‘Are you okay?’ she asks.

  ‘I’m fine. I’m just worried about you.’

  Nova’s sight has been getting slowly better, but the hardest things to read are expressions. She knows Kate’s face best, but there is such a spectrum between happy and sad. Sometimes she will ask Kate to stop, to freeze just as she is, so she can memorize what her face is doing. Often, by the time Kate has frozen, the expression is gone, breaking into a smile. Actually, it’s a good way to make Kate smile, and Nova likes making Kate smile.

  The café is noisy, but they don’t mind. It’s nice not to feel overheard. The air is as humid as a shower cubicle; the cold windows sweat. Nova wonders why the table behind her cup of coffee is changing colour, patches of it flashing like the skin of a dappled deep-sea creature. She’s not hallucinating – the low sun, slanting through the window, is hitting the wisps of steam rising from her coffee, turning them briefly into thin clouds. Another aspect of the intangible world has revealed itself.

  Kate sips her coffee and thinks out loud. ‘It’s good … it’s good that I found out what was going on.’ Her voice breaks a little. ‘It’s good … isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course it is! What do you mean?’

  ‘I don’t know, I just feel so bad. I just keep thinking of his parents. They’re nice people, you know? His mum knits cardigans for rescue animals for fuck’s sake. They’re not like him. And his sister … she has children. His little niece calls me Auntie Kit Kat.’

  ‘That’s adorable.’

  ‘I just keep thinking about our wedding, all the people there, everybody who expected us to be …’ She trails off.

  ‘Expected you to be what?’ Nova leans in, resting her elbows on the table.

  ‘Expected us to be perfect, I guess.’ Kate shrugs. ‘I never felt perfect, you know? I always felt too big, too loud, too … too. You know? But a couple can be perfect. It’s stupid, but I always believed that – you fit together, and suddenly there are no jagged edges. I thought maybe we could be like that.’

  She pulls a napkin out of the chrome dispenser and dabs her eyes.

  ‘And now I feel like I’ve ruined it.’

  Nova reaches over the table and takes Kate’s hands. They’re trembling. She wishes she had noticed earlier.

  ‘You didn’t ruin anything. None of this is your fault. You haven’t spoiled anything for them. This is your life, not theirs.’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘Do you? What do you think would have happened if you hadn’t confronted him?’

  Kate shrugs. Her voice is tiny now, but Nova can hear it perfectly.

  ‘I don’t know what I would have done. I feel like I didn’t have a choice.’

  ‘Well, for what it’s worth, I’m happy he’s out of your life.’

  Kate starts to say something, inaudible over the coffee machine being topped up, the sparkling sound of bacon frying in the pan, the builders holding a conversation two tables down. She’s about to start again, but it never comes out. She breaks down, still holding Nova’s hands. It only lasts a few seconds before she pulls herself together, wipes her eyes and clears her throat.

  Suddenly, a waitress is next to them with their order.

  ‘Two sandwiches?’

  ‘That’s us.’ Kate smiles.

  The plates are set down – one Safinova Surprise for Nova, and … Nova pauses, looking from plate to plate, trying to be sure.

  ‘Is that … did you order my sandwich?’

  Kate nods. ‘Yeah, of course. I can’t come to a place where you have a sandwich named after you and not order it, right?’

  ‘Uh, yeah … of course,’ Nova mumbles, trying not to show how momentous this moment is.

  Kate picks up the sandwich.

  Nova holds her breath.

  Kate closes her eyes.

  Takes a bite.

  Chews …

  ‘’S’not bad!’

  When she opens her eyes, a look of pure joy has broken across Nova’s face. She’s gazing into Kate’s eyes as though she just proposed. Slowly, making sure to signal her enjoyment, Kate takes another, even bigger bite of the sandwich. With her mouth full, she says, ‘Thuh peach slices reary work!’

  Nova says nothing. She’s not sure she could if she tried.

  It’s getting dark by the time they get back to the flat. They don’t say anything, comfortable in silence, watching the world together. Their breath steams. Birds are singing in the leafless trees. Everything is peaceful.

  ‘What do you want to do?’ Nova asks her, stepping through the door.

  Kate looks down to the doormat, where there is a letter for her. She doesn’t react to it. She will clear it away later, when Nova isn’t watching.

  ‘I don’t know … I think I want to go to bed.’

  ‘Oh, okay, sure. I’m not really sleepy though, it’s kinda early. But I’ll get my jammies on.’

  It’s hal
f true – she’s exhausted from everything that’s happened, but also from a full day of seeing. But she’s worried that if Kate goes to bed so soon, her nightmares won’t be far behind.

  ‘Okay.’ Kate nods.

  Nova decides to be brave. ‘You want someone to sing you a lullaby?’

  Kate’s eyes widen, just for a second, but Nova catches it.

  ‘Um, yeah?’

  ‘Okay.’ Nova seems to be studying her feet. ‘I’ll come find you.’

  Nova goes and gets changed into her pyjamas, brushes her teeth, and goes to Kate’s room. She’s already in bed, curled up, as close to one edge of the bed as she can be. Her expression is unreadable; her eyes are pooled in shadow.

  ‘I’m sorry, you don’t have to do this for me.’

  ‘Don’t be silly.’

  Nova sits on the edge of the bed. She wants to say something more, but this isn’t the moment. Kate rolls over to face her as Nova climbs under the duvet. She shivers as her legs slide between the cold sheets, but Nova can feel the warmth coming from the other side of the bed. They look at each other, heads on their pillows.

  ‘Come here often?’ Nova tries to break the ice, but Kate just smiles. ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Generally?’

  ‘Generally.’

  ‘I’m … still freaked out. That he’s just out there, somewhere. But I’m okay.’

  Nova nods. She can tell when Kate is telling the truth. It’s one of the things she likes about her.

  ‘And, uh, how are you feeling about this? Me staying here, I mean. I haven’t been mentioning it. But, if it’s weird for you …’

  Kate shrugs sideways, trying to act casual, though her heart is in her throat. ‘It’s not really weird, is it?’

  ‘No, doesn’t feel weird at all. It’s nice to have company. I just don’t want to presume.’

  ‘Bit late for that, no?’

  ‘I guess so.’

  Kate turns the light off and waits. Nova pauses for a moment, then shuffles closer, slips her arm under Kate’s neck and pulls her head onto her chest. She can feel Kate’s heart beating. Beating fast.

  Warm shivers run through Kate. Her body becomes hot, becomes molten, changes state, cools and reforms into a shape that is similar – but not identical – to the one it had a few seconds ago.

  Nova starts to sing.

  Her voice is very low and soft. Kate doesn’t know the song and after a few moments she realizes Nova isn’t singing in English. Perhaps this is a song her parents sang to her when she was a child. She can’t decide what the language is. The melody doesn’t sound like any lullaby Kate knows. It sounds old, like a song the trees or hills would sing.

  Kate’s heartbeat slows, followed by her breathing, until Nova is sure that she’s asleep. She makes a snuffling noise like an animal, and Nova wants to reach out and brush her cheek, but she doesn’t.

  Kate sleeps, and there are no nightmares.

  Twenty-Four

  KATE IS WOKEN BY the sound of her phone buzzing. Today is New Year’s Eve, she remembers. A new year and a new start. The phone keeps buzzing. It’s still early, so she ignores it. She rolls over, becoming aware of the body in the bed next to her. Nova is sleeping. The covers have been thrown back, tangled up with her legs, one arm over her face. Her lips are parted slightly and her cheeks are flushed. Her breaths rise and fall so softly; a strand of hair quivers over her mouth.

  Kate watches her for a minute, while her phone buzzes again, then stops. When it starts for a third time, Kate feels a sudden rush of fear – something is wrong. She rolls over, rummages for the phone in the pile of clothes on her side of the bed, retrieves it and looks at the caller.

  Number withheld.

  She answers the phone.

  ‘Hello?’

  There is nothing for a long moment but the hiss of the line. Then she hears it, almost indistinguishable from the background noise – a tearing, sizzling sound. It’s so familiar, but Kate doesn’t remember where she has heard it before until the line has gone dead.

  The sound of a rabbit being skinned.

  Kate can tell that Nova has woken up next to her, but cannot make herself react. She’s hyperventilating. Nova sits up a little in bed. ‘Kate?’

  ‘Mm?’

  ‘What’s up?’

  ‘Nothing … I’m sure it’s nothing.’

  Nova sits up and looks at her properly, trying to read her expression.

  ‘Okay, and I’m sure you’re right. But could you tell me what it is that we’re not worrying about?’

  Kate manages to smile a bit at that, and explains what has just happened. Even in retelling the story, she calms down. Of course it’s ridiculous. Of course she just heard the hiss on the line, and her imagination played a trick on her. Even the story of the rabbit that Tony brought home seems less significant, now she’s said it out loud.

  ‘Okay,’ Nova says slowly, ‘if you’re sure it’s nothing to worry about?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s fine. I’m just being silly. But …’ she trails off.

  ‘But?’

  ‘But could I have a pass on leaving the house today? I don’t feel like going out.’

  ‘It’s adorable that you think you need my permission to stay in, but sure. I’ve got nothing to do today, if you don’t mind me hanging around.’

  ‘That would be nice.’ Kate nods, and feels the tension drain out of her. ‘I’ll go make some coffee, yeah?’

  ‘Maybe you should have a herbal tea.’ Nova teases.

  ‘Maybe you’re right. No caffeine for me!’ Kate leaves as if for the kitchen, but goes first to the front door and checks all the locks. When she turns, Nova ambushes her with a crushing hug.

  ‘Oof! Jesus, you’re a ninja.’ Nova doesn’t reply or let go. ‘You okay?’ Kate asks, trying to breathe.

  ‘Me? I’m fine,’ Nova mumbles into her chest.

  ‘O-kay. That’s good.’

  They break out of the hug, but some residual magnetism remains, making the separation uncomfortable for both. They walk through to the living room and Nova flops down on the sofa. Kate sits next to her.

  ‘I’m so sorry – keeping you locked up here like a prisoner!’

  ‘Don’t sweat it, cinnamon roll, it’s not so bad. I don’t think the company would be this good in prison.’ She takes Kate’s hand and squeezes it.

  ‘So, what do you want to do with your day of house arrest?’

  Nova thinks for a second. ‘Ah! I know.’

  ‘What?’

  Lopsided grin. ‘We should make a fort!’

  ‘Really?’

  ‘Come on, Miss Architect – I bet you can make a really good sofa fort.’

  Kate grins for a moment, thinking, then jumps up. She brings the duvet and pillows from the beds, then spare sheets from a cupboard. She grabs standard lamps from around the room and bag ties from the kitchen. She takes the sofa cushions, replaces them with the duvet and cushions. She takes the standard lamps and uses them to hang sheets, until she has made a canopy, like a tent in the desert.

  ‘Happy?’ she asks, peering into the fort, where Nova is already sinking back into the soft, sky-blue duvet.

  ‘Very.’

  Inside the tent they listen to music, talk and drink tea. Occasionally, Kate will disappear to put on a new record. The music – Bach and Vivaldi and others Nova can’t name – surrounds them. If Nova stops to listen, they are surrounded by cellos, double basses, violins, flutes, clarinets, oboes, timpani … a harpist plucks in the doorway to the kitchen, a piccolo player sits in the alcove by the window. Kate said she had built speakers into the walls, but Nova can’t shake the illusion of the ghostly musicians.

  They sit and talk about nothing much for a while, then Kate grows quiet, and looks at Nova for a long time. When she was blind, Nova was aware of the different kinds of silence. Silences could be meaningful, each with its own flavour. But when she was blind, she was never conscious of being watched. It was something she knew must be happen
ing, in the same way that she knew that radio waves and microwaves were fizzing around her head. Maybe she was being watched, maybe she wasn’t – Nova was like a particle in Heisenberg’s thought experiment. Now the certainty of Kate’s gaze is disconcerting, a beam of attention that pins her to the spot.

  ‘What are you thinking?’ Nova asks.

  ‘That I want to protect you.’

  ‘Protect me? I think I should be offended.’

  ‘I know, I know. I don’t mean that you need protecting. But that’s what I’m thinking.’

  Nova feels that this moment is significant, but isn’t sure why. Invisible doors seem to be opening and shutting around her, letting in strange atmospheres, the air of alternate realities. She makes a noncommittal noise. ‘What about you? Who’s going to protect you?’

  Kate sighs. ‘I don’t need protecting – I’ve got a fort, remember?’

  Nova looks at her, trying to read her face, but her looking is not equal to Kate’s looking – she cannot pin her down. She turns away.

  ‘What do you want to do?’

  Nova shrugs. ‘Maybe it’s getting up early, but I’m quite sleepy.’

  ‘Me too. We should take a nap.’ Kate looks at her lap.

  ‘But you used all the pillows – I’d feel bad about dismantling your fort.’

  ‘We don’t have to. The sofa pulls out into a bed, remember?’

  Nova stands outside while Kate huffs around, rearranging the insides of the tent like a cocoon.

  ‘Come in, see what you think.’

  Nova ducks inside the tent. As promised, the sofa has become a bed, filling the space. Kate stands at the foot of it, as though waiting. Nova searches through a list of translations for her expression and settles on ‘worried’.

  She steps closer to her.

  She feels a little breathless.

  The invisible doors keep opening and closing, and Nova knows that if she makes a wrong move she will step through the wrong one.

  Kate has frozen. Nova reaches out and brushes her cheek. The touch seems to release her, and Kate closes the distance between them, hands coming to rest on Nova’s hips.

  Nova reaches up, brushing the hair back from Kate’s temples, careful as can be. Kate leans forward into her touch.