The Rules of Seeing

by Joe Heap

  She’s not sure what he’s going to do to her, but when she stops struggling he takes his hand from her neck and moves it down to his jeans zipper.

  His other hand is still resting on the arm of the chair.

  Nova brings the knife out of her pocket, raises it above her head, and brings the blade down on Tony’s hand as hard as she can. She thinks she will miss, but Kate’s knife finds its target, sinking through the soft flesh between the metacarpals, right into the wooden frame of the armchair underneath.

  Tony bellows. He grips Nova even harder by the neck, lifting her clean out of the seat and throwing her across the room. She lands, choking and gasping. The blade is embedded in the armchair. While he works on pulling it out, Nova jumps up and runs from the flat.

  Nova doesn’t want to tell Kate about what has happened. She doesn’t want to tell her that she has seen Tony. But she needs to tell the police, and she needs to warn Kate. There’s no way of getting around it. She quickly walks away from her flat, then ducks into a corner shop.

  She calls Kate, tells her to call the police and keep the door locked. Kate sounds quiet on the end of the phone – she doesn’t shout or cry. She doesn’t react when Nova tells her he grabbed her by the neck. She sounds like she’s taking an order for pizza.

  Nova hangs up and realizes that she’s bleeding – a thin stream of blood from her neck has stained her top. Tony’s nails must have dug in. She buys tissues and holds one to her neck while she calls the police and reports the break-in. They come quickly and pick her up from the shop. Another team is checking her flat. She explains the situation, and they take her in a car to Kate’s. As she steps through the door, Nova realizes she never thought she would return to this flat.

  Kate is standing by the window.

  She is thinner, perhaps, than last time she saw her, but Nova knows the shape of her better than any other.

  Kate rushes over, ignoring the police, and puts her arms around Nova, squeezing the air out of her. Then she pulls back and kisses her on the lips, as though nothing has changed between them. Nova freezes, too surprised to react.

  ‘I’m sorry, I’m so sorry …’

  Nova isn’t sure what has happened to Kate between her making the call and her getting to the flat. She seems to have been shocked back into life, but Nova can’t react.

  ‘Are you okay? Your neck …’

  ‘Just a cut, nothing bad. They patched me up.’ She shrugs out of Kate’s grip, forcing a smile.

  The police talk to them for a while. A forensics team is being sent to look over Nova’s flat, another team is searching Brixton for Tony, though he’s probably moved on already. They’re searching CCTV. Eventually they leave.

  When the door is finally closed, Kate turns to Nova.

  ‘Listen – I want to go away.’

  ‘Away?’

  ‘I don’t want to be here any more. I don’t want to be in this flat, I don’t want to be in London.’

  ‘O-kay …’ Nova says slowly.

  ‘I don’t want to be here, Nova. And I don’t want … I can’t let him hurt you again. I don’t want to feel like a sitting duck in my own home. But I don’t know where to go.’ She starts to pace up and down the room, so full of nervous energy that Nova can’t keep calm around her. Nova could tell her about the trip she’s taking to see her parents, but holds back.

  ‘And … you want me to come with you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Because I’m your good friend?’

  Kate looks at the floor, her energy deflating for a second.

  ‘No … not my friend …’

  She steps closer and kisses Nova again, but Nova breaks free.

  ‘Look, Kate, we’re not going out any more. I know I ran out on you and I feel shitty about that—’

  ‘I’m better, Nova! I’m better now – just look at me.’ She grins, not recognising the irony of the words ‘just look’.

  Nova chooses her words carefully. ‘You seem better, sure, but I’ve got problems of my own.’

  ‘And I can help you with them! I was just … I was just in a really, really bad place, when you left me. And I don’t blame you for leaving – I was being a shitty girlfriend. A shitty person.’

  Kate doesn’t mention what she did, with the pills. She can’t let Nova know. She can’t even bear to think of the word, ‘suicide’. Since that night, she has been living in a sort of limbo. She remembers Nova talking about this – how she was neither blind nor sighted. Kate is neither fully committed to living or dying. An in-between person. All she sees is a chance to make things better. For now, she will lie. She will make-believe as much as she has to in order to grab this chance.

  Maybe it’s not too late.

  Nova feels tears coming and tries to hold them back. If she starts now, she’s not sure when she’ll stop. Things are over with Rebecca – Nova is not ready to be tangled in someone else’s life again so soon. She tries to change the subject.

  ‘Look, the police are doing their best, I’m sure they don’t want you to up and leave—’

  ‘But the police can’t find him! He was one of them – he knows how to hide. They’re not going to find him just like that. And what if he finds us first?’

  ‘You are safe, so long as you stay here. ’

  It seems crazy to leave, when everybody is doing their best to protect them. Kate seems to know what Nova is thinking.

  ‘We’ll make it fun! We can make it a holiday. We can go wherever. Scotland, the Isle of Man, some cottage in Cornwall.’

  ‘And how are you going to travel?’

  ‘I can drive us. We’ll stop at different places. How does that sound?’

  Nova searches for something, anything, to deflate this plan.

  ‘Whose car?’

  Kate hasn’t thought about this, and paces around for another second, kneading her hands.

  ‘Ah! Vi has a car. A nice one she hardly uses. I’m sure she’ll lend it to me if I ask nicely.’

  ‘Kate, I understand if you want to get away but I’m not—’

  ‘Nova, he could have killed you.’ Kate’s voice cracks. ‘I can’t let that happen again. I just can’t.’

  Nova shakes her head, trying to clear her thoughts.

  ‘I have plans … I’m going to see my parents.’

  Kate has gone very still. ‘Your parents?’

  ‘They’re going on holiday in a couple of days.’ Nova can’t seem to stop talking now. ‘They’ll be away for a fortnight, and I’m sure they would be happy for us to use the house. We could explore Yorkshire, go walking on the moors …’

  ‘Your parents?’ Kate echoes.

  ‘Is that a problem?’

  Nova isn’t sure if she’s trying to stop Kate’s plan, or whether she really wants this to happen. She’s not sure what she’s trying to achieve any more. Kate wrings her hands, and Nova doesn’t have a translation for her expression.

  ‘Okay. We can do that. We can go tomorrow, yeah?’

  Nova closes her eyes. ‘I think so. Let me talk to them.’

  Kate closes the distance between them and wraps Nova in her arms. The smaller woman doesn’t try to break away. Her heart is pounding.

  ‘I’m sorry.’ Kate breathes into her hair. ‘I’m sorry for everything. Please take me back. Please?’

  ‘Kate …’

  ‘Please, I’ll be better. I’ve never regretted anything more than letting you leave. For making you leave.’

  The tears start to fall, and Nova can’t talk. She tries several times, while Kate watches her face for any clue, but the sobs well up and stop her. Finally, when it becomes clear that no words can escape, she resorts to a gesture – something she has learned since the operation.

  She nods.

  Thirty-One

  THE PLAN COMES TOGETHER fast. Vi is hard to win around for about five seconds, her excitement overcoming any suspicion. Kate doesn’t bother to fill her in on everything that has happened.

  She doesn’t mention t
hat Nova is back.

  Vi is just happy that she’s calling. If Kate had much time to think about that, it might break her heart. Kate misses her. If life ever becomes normal again, Kate wants Vi to be part of it. She explains the road trip, tells Vi she will pay rental prices for the car. She agrees, but tells Kate to keep her money. After some haggling, they agree a token sum, and that she will return it with a full tank of petrol. Kate asks her to drive it over to the flat.

  They meet on the street outside, Kate not wanting Vi to come into the flat and find out what’s going on. She hugs her, something that Vi rarely does.

  ‘How’s it hanging?’

  ‘Not bad,’ Kate replies, trying to look normal.

  ‘So, you ready for your trip?’

  Kate forces a smile. ‘Yeah, yeah. Should be good.’

  ‘How have you been? You seem better,’ Vi prompts.

  ‘Yeah, I am.’ Kate nods. ‘So much better.’

  ‘Okay. Well, uh, here are the keys.’ Vi tosses them over. ‘Be good, yeah?’

  Kate isn’t sure if she’s talking about the car or something else. She takes a good look at the car. It’s very red, with a low profile, sleek lines, a convertible. She knows that the car rarely gets taken out of the garage. Vi’s everyday car is old, beaten-up, with the bonnet and back doors different colours.

  Vi watches her for a moment more, moving slightly from one leg to the other. Her energy makes Kate feel restless.

  ‘Well, look, take care, okay? It’s good to see you. Enjoy the car. I’ve left some mix CDs in there for you.’

  ‘Oh, God.’ Kate grins.

  ‘You’ll love them!’ She shouts, retreating down the street.

  Kate watches her go.

  The next day is hazy. It feels more like October than August. It doesn’t rain, but a cool, unending mist falls. This suits Kate – she doesn’t want to drive with the top of the convertible down. She doesn’t want to be seen driving this flashy car. Today feels like the perfect moment to slip away.

  She prods Nova out of her sleep on the sofa. She brings her a cup of tea to the bathroom, which Nova insists on drinking in the shower. She makes them sandwiches in the kitchen and carries them down with their pillows from the bed. The convertible is about as full as it can be and still have space for two people. When they’re both in the car, they turn to each other.

  ‘You ready?’ Kate asks. Nova nods once.

  ‘Hit it.’

  She guns the ignition, feeling the car come to life around her. The engine roars. It’s louder than she would like, but there’s something reassuring about that raw power. She looks in the mirrors, too many times, before pulling out. She drives quickly down the street, trying not to check every car for watching faces.

  Kate wonders if the police are watching and whether they will notice them going. It takes a long time to get out of London, the traffic slow and syrupy in the bad weather. She concentrates on the driving, always checking behind to watch the cars, taking a mental note of each of them.

  A silver SUV has been following them through two roundabouts and a junction. She’s getting ready to do something, to try to lose it, when the SUV turns off down a side street. The knot in her belly loosens momentarily, but she soon goes back to checking the other cars.

  Nova seems happy enough in the passenger seat, pushing buttons on the car’s old-school pre-set radio. Kate leaves her be; she doesn’t want to jinx anything. She just wants to get onto the motorway, to get out of London. She wants to be far, far away from her address, her work, her supermarket, her bank, her dentist, her hairdresser, her electrician, her doctor, therapist and police contact, her mother and extended family, her entangled life. She feels the details of her existence shrinking with every mile she puts on the clock.

  Eventually, Nova notices the road in front of them, and stares, entranced, a wide grin plastered over her face. Kate doesn’t ask what she’s seeing – she’s not sure she would understand the answer anyway.

  RULE OF SEEING NO.385

  Sitting in the front seat of a car is like diving deeper and deeper into a painting, watching as the trees and buildings grow and disappear, only for more to spring up on the horizon, endlessly starting again.

  By the time they’re on the motorway it’s raining properly, a hard rain that hammers the windscreen. The wipers slap back and forth, giving flashes of clarity.

  ‘Can you really see the road through that?’ Nova asks.

  ‘Yeah, it’s okay.’

  ‘To me, it looks like … like nothing at all. It looks like everything is melting!’ She pauses for a second. ‘You’re sure that you can see what you’re doing? We’re not going to crash?’

  ‘Yes!’ Kate laughs, for the first time. ‘Yes, I can see where I’m going. Relax, okay?’

  ‘Okay, but if you want to pull over, that’s okay too.’

  Kate reaches her hand over the gear stick to take Nova’s hand, to comfort her.

  ‘Both hands on the wheel! Both hands on the wheel! I’m fine.’

  Kate smiles and does as she says.

  ‘Okay, slowly ease your foot up.’

  ‘Like this?’ The car jerks forward, then comes to a halt. The engine dies.

  ‘I said ease it up, not jerk.’ Kate sounds more amused than angry, but Nova wants to get this right.

  ‘Can I try again?’

  ‘Of course.’

  They are in the car park of an A-road service station, somewhere near Nottingham. The lot is practically deserted. Nova has decided that Kate should teach her to drive, even if she isn’t allowed a licence.

  ‘Okay, here we go. Slowly bring the pedal up, until you feel it …’

  ‘Yes!’ Nova yelps, as the car starts to move forward.

  ‘Yes, okay, good. Now, we’re starting to come up to this wall, so I want you to start turning …’

  Nova turns the steering wheel, and the car smoothly curves around to the right.

  ‘This is fun!’

  ‘Okay, just take it slow. I don’t want to do anything to Vi’s car.’

  They crawl around the car park, roughly following the boundary wall. Finally, Nova puts on the handbreak and turns to her driving companion.

  ‘I think I’m ready. Let’s hit the road.’ She grins in a way that Kate can’t be sure that she’s joking.

  ‘Definitely not.’

  The sun is setting as they approach Bradford, the sky white-grey and orange near the horizon. Nova’s dad used to call the sunset ‘ash and embers’, though she couldn’t understand how the sky could be like a burned-down fire. They drive in silence, too tired to make conversation. They’ve meandered their way up the country, taking in a stately manor and a teashop along the way. They come off the motorway, idle in traffic, watch billboards and warehouses inch by.

  In the fading light, Kate looks at the town where Nova grew up. Thousands of sodium-yellow streetlamps are flickering into life, and the city seems to slope up into the darkening sky, purple-black streets mingling with purple-black thunderclouds, so she’s not sure where the city ends and the night begins.

  ‘Home sweet home,’ Nova says, without enthusiasm.

  ‘Glad to be back?’

  Nova peers through the windshield, clears her throat, and proclaims, ‘The thing about learning to see is that everywhere becomes a place you’ve never visited before. Even home.’

  Kate drives in silence for a moment, absorbing this. Then she starts to giggle.

  ‘What?’

  ‘That was pretty good – you should write it down.’

  ‘Hey, don’t mock me. I’m a very deep person. There’s a lot of inner turmoil. Turbulent, emotions.’

  ‘I know, Heathcliff, I know. You want a sherbet lemon?’

  Nova crosses her arms and huffs.

  ‘Yes.’

  Kate reaches over and pops the sweet into her mouth, then asks,

  ‘Do I look presentable?’

  ‘You look beautiful.’

  ‘Yeah,’ she jokes, ‘but
you used to be blind.’

  Kate smooths down her hair, looks over her outfit in the rear-view mirror, decides that she will have to do. The car is parked in front of a sandstone terrace house. The light has faded from the sky.

  Kate is more than nervous. She never imagined this situation. When they get out of the car, Mr and Mrs Safinova are already waiting in the doorway of the house, light and warmth spilling onto the street.

  Nova is nervous too, but tries not to let this show. She’s not sure why she invited Kate. They are not in a relationship. She thinks maybe she expected her to say no. But why take the risk?

  She walks up the path to the home she grew up in, towards the rectangle of light that must be the front door. She can see the outlines of objects standing between her and the light. She realizes that these must be her parents.

  ‘Mum, Dad!’ She hurries down the path, not afraid of tripping, and throws her arms around them both. She breathes in, inhaling their smell. She has seen her parents several times since the operation, but for her, this is how she knows her parents best – in the world of scent. Her dad’s old-fashioned cologne, the smell of his ironed flannel shirts. The smell of rose hand cream from her mum. Surrounded by their smells, closing her eyes, Nova feels that these are the ingredients that made her, and could remake her.

  Kate stands behind, watching as Nova disappears into this triangle. She watches the embrace of both parents and feels as though she herself is being embraced. Accepted. And, with that, she no longer feels nervous. Nova breaks away from her parents and steps to one side.

  ‘Kate, this is my dad, Peter, and my mum, Uzma.’

  Mr Safinova does a little bow.

  ‘Parents, this is Kate.’ She smiles, something of her mischievous grin coming back.

  ‘Nice to meet you, Kate.’

  Peter extends his hand to shake. He’s tall, about Kate’s height, with the same dazzling blue eyes as Nova. Uzma is small, and has the same smile, the same upturned nose.

  ‘Lovely to meet you, Kate.’ Uzma steps forward, hugging Kate. To Kate, it feels as though she is hugging Nova – the older woman is the same height, the same build, fits into her arms in the same way.