Dirty Little Virgin: A Submissives’ Secrets Novel

by Michelle Love

  “How can I make it up to you?” he asks as he pulls me back into his arms. His lips graze my forehead then he kisses me again. “Cami, don’t leave me this way. This is killing me.”

  “I have to be true to myself. I am sorry you don’t understand. Just give me space, please. I need space and time. Maybe I’ll get over this feeling and maybe I won’t. But you pushing at me, so soon afterward, is just pushing me away.” I push his chest and he lets me go.

  “Take the car I gave you,” he says then reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of cash. “And this.” He holds it out to me.

  “No, Cyprian. You cannot buy me.” I turn to leave and he stands still.

  My heart is aching but I know I have to do this for myself. I must put myself first. I can’t lose myself in the man.

  “Cami, look at me, please,” he says.

  I stop and turn around. “Yes?”

  “I love you,” he says then blows me a kiss. “I will be here, waiting for you. You come or call or send me a message and I will be there. I am sorry for hurting you and making you lose trust in me. And I hope you can forgive me in time. Can I hear you tell me that you love me one more time? You see, no one but you has ever told me those words before. No one. And you are the only person I have said those words to.”

  What he said shouldn’t shock me but it does. He’s a 35-year-old gorgeous man with tons of money and no one has ever seen fit to ever tell him that he’s loved. Not even his parents.

  “I love you, Cyprian. I suppose I always will. But I love myself too and I have to uphold myself to the standards I have and will always live my life by. I hope you can understand.”

  He nods. “Thank you, Cami.”

  I nod and leave him. Again, I am walking away. Each time I’ve thought it was the last time, I’d be leaving him. Yet, I’ve managed to come back. But this time he’s really gone too far and I know who he really is and I can’t be with someone like him.

  I wonder how long it will take for the pain to leave my heart…?

  Chapter 4

  CYPRIAN

  The moon still glows as it fills the sky and the stars still shine up in the dark sky. Life moves on, even though mine feels as if it’s over. She’s left me again and this time I don’t think she’s coming back.

  With no idea of who to talk to as making friends was never a real concern of mine, I’ve asked Ashton to come over and talk to me. The emptiness I’m feeling is overwhelming. And my father’s advice isn’t a thing I think is right for this situation. He and I are too much alike for him to actually help me.

  “So, you brought a woman into your love life, without Camilla’s consent?” he asks me then takes a long drag off a cigar.

  I told him everything. And he’s been quiet for about five minutes. “I did. Now, what can I do to get her to forgive me and understand I’m an idiot?”

  Ashton shakes his head as he looks up into the night sky. We’re out on a patio, the light has been bothering me all day and into the night. I have a migraine that could kill a horse.

  “Cyprian, there’s not a thing you can do. That was terrible. She’s probably feeling violated. Much like a rape victim,” he says then looks at me. Not in a judgmental way but like a man who’s trying to get me to see right from wrong.

  That line is so thin, in my mind, it’s nearly invisible. “Rape is too strong of a word, Ashton. And she was enjoying it, up until she realized it wasn’t me.”

  “That’s because she was trusting that it was you. You know damn good and well, you knew what you were doing. You knew she had no idea it wasn’t you. What’s worse, is she’s aware of how much thought you put into the whole thing. It was premeditated. I’m telling you, that wound will leave a scar so deep, it may never go away.” He looks away from me and shakes his head again. “Best to move on and leave that woman alone. Entirely, Cyprian.”

  His words are sinking in deep. I never meant for her to feel that way about what I did. I only wanted her to feel amazing things. That’s all!

  “Ashton, I have to fix things. I have to! I didn’t think the way you are, about it. I guess she feels exactly what you’re talking about. My God! I have to fix it. I have to!”

  “It’s too late, boy.” He gets up and walks over to the large potted plant at the edge of the patio and stubs out his cigar. “Leave her alone. Your face will only remind her of what happened to her one crazy night when she was in love with a man who made her do things that were never in her mind to do.”

  I double over as my stomach cramps. “My God! What have I done? I am a monster, aren’t I?”

  “You were created, Cyprian. Stay with the world you grew up in. You weren’t meant to be with a normal woman. You were made to be a man with a love for money and many, many women. Camilla is a special woman and she deserves to get to live a normal life. You will only ever hurt her. You’re not meant for that kind of life.”

  The pain inside my body is excruciating. “Ashton, something’s wrong.”

  He walks over to me and touches my head. “You’re not hot. You have no fever. Why are you doubled over?”

  “Ashton, something’s wrong. I can’t straighten up. I think I need to go to the hospital,” I look up at him and see him shaking his head.

  “It’s guilt, son. It hurts, huh?” he asks as he runs his hand over my head. “I’ll get you something stout to drink. It’ll knock the edge off.”

  He walks away and I find myself gritting my teeth with the pain in my abdomen. I have to admit this is my first bout with guilt but fuck it hurts like hell.

  I pick up my phone and call Cami. It rings and rings but she doesn’t answer. I don’t know why I thought she would. She left me only an hour ago. The anger is still white hot inside of her.

  Why did I do that to her? What the hell is wrong with me? Is there any way I can change what I’ve done?

  Ashton returns with a dark glass of something and hands it to me. “Sip on this and take a hot bath. This is what it feels like to fully understand your role in her pain. Yours is manifesting itself, physically. Hers is invisible. Her mind is where it resides and I’m sure she can feel it in her heart. I told you to leave her alone. You shouldn’t have pushed yourself on her. She was a good girl, Cyprian. She has to feel tainted by what you’ve done to her.”

  Getting up, I stagger into the house and make it to the first bathroom. Starting the water, I take my clothes off to get into the hot tub to try to relieve this pain in my gut. It’s so bad, I can hardly think.

  And what thoughts are filtering in are about her and that seems to make it worse.

  What have I done…?

  Chapter 5

  CAMILLA

  “Did you hear about the rich guy, last night, Camilla?” Kyle asks me as I come in for my evening shift at the store.

  I pull my green smock on and shake my head. “Are you talking about that guy I used to see?”

  “Yeah, Cyprian Girard. It was on the news. I was driving down the road when the ambulance left his house last night. There was a long black car following it and a BMW came out after that one.”

  I stand perfectly still and look at him. “What happened to him? I just saw him last night.” And I had ignored five calls from him after I left him!

  “He had appendicitis. He was sent to surgery and he’s yet to come out of the anesthesia. The reporter said it happens sometimes. He seems to be in a coma.”

  My knees buckle and I have to hold the counter to stay up. “What hospital? Did they say?” I find myself taking my phone out and calling him. I cross my fingers that, by some miracle, he answers it and tells me he’s okay. But I don’t get that.

  “I don’t know if they did say the hospital or not. It was the channel six news. Maybe you could check their website,” he says and I go to that next.

  I find out which one he’s in and look at Kyle. “I need to leave.”

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know how to close the store. You have to stay, Camilla.”

  I’
m stuck! I’m fucking stuck!

  Hurrying to the office, I start trying to find someone to come in to take my shift, who can close the store. The first call goes unanswered. “Of course, Gina isn’t answering. She has some high school reunion tonight. Damn!”

  There’s only three of us who know how to close this damn store. Then I make a decision. I’ll leave and be back in time to close. I get up and walk out to tell Kyle what I’m going to do when three men in suits walk in.

  I stare at them as Kyle greets them. “We’re from corporate. We have a pop-inspection and audit to do. Are you the night manager?” one of them asks me. I nod and another one gestures to the office. We should start up as soon as we possibly can. This could go until late.”

  “The store locks at one-fifteen tonight. It can’t go longer than that,” I say as I go with them to the office.

  “We can override that. It could take up until four or five. Depends on how well you all have kept the records and things in order,” the other guy says and I feel the blood running out of my head.

  “All night?” I ask. “I really need to leave for at least a little while, please. I just found out my boyfriend is in a coma in the hospital.”

  One of the men sighs, “Honey, we’ve heard every excuse in the book. You aren’t going anywhere, unless you’re ready to quit this job.”

  One of the men holds up his hand. “And that’s not an option right now. You see, if you leave and things are found to be out of order and money or inventory is off, it’s you who’ll be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. So, take a seat and let’s get this going.

  My heart is pounding and I look out the office door at Kyle. He looks a bit panicked too. With a shrug, he turns around and I find myself feeling more unstable than I ever recall feeling.

  God, I hope he wakes up…

  Chapter 6

  CAMILLA

  The rising sun has me blinking and pulling on sunglasses at six in the morning. The manager is coming in as the three men and I are leaving after the all-night audit we managed to pass.

  She gives me a look as she comes to the door we’re leaving. “What’s going on?”

  One of the men hands her a paper. “Here’s a copy of our findings. You passed. You have yourself a very competent night manager. Keep up the good work.”

  “I want the night off,” I tell her as I go to my car.

  “You got it!” she shouts after me. “Take the next three nights off. And thanks!”

  I’m a zombie as I go to my car and drive out to my house. I’m going to shower and change then call that hospital and find out if Cyprian woke up. If he did, I’ll talk to him over the phone then sleep. If he didn’t wake up, I’ll go up to the hospital.

  I keep thinking this is my fault, somehow. Maybe the stress of our breakup caused it. I’m a scientist, I know that’s not very plausible but stress can do some weird shit to the body.

  An experiment with lab rats where there was a very dominate female had all the other females becoming infertile as she was so aggressive to them anytime a male was introduced into their enclosure. It was weird but true.

  Going into my house, I find my body trying to give up on me. My eyes go to my bed and my body migrates to it. “No! Cyprian’s in a bad spot. Come on!”

  I shake my head to ward off the exhaustion and go to the shower. It helps me refresh and wake up some. I hurry to bathe then get out and throw on jeans and a T-shirt then slip on some sandals. My hair has to be tamed a bit, so I put it into a clip to hold my wild curls down. Then I leave the bathroom and find my phone.

  The damn battery is dead so I plug it into the charger and make myself some coffee as it charges up, so I can turn it on. The pot is shaking in my hand as I fill it with water.

  Suddenly, I’m overwhelmed by sorrow and slowly, go to the floor, leaving the coffee pot in the sink as I start crying. “Why didn’t I answer his calls?”

  Have I missed any chance of ever hearing his voice again? Have I missed any chance of ever having him in my life? What have I done?

  My phone makes a beep as it comes back on. I pull myself up and turn the water off and go back to my phone and find the number to the hospital. “AnMed, how can I direct your call?” a woman answers the phone.

  “I need to ask about a patient.”

  The phone makes some clicking noises then another woman answers, “Patient care.”

  “Hello, I’m wanting to know if Cyprian Girard has woken up yet,” I blurt out.

  “And you are who to him?” she asks with a professional tone.

  “His girlfriend.” I cross my fingers.

  “Oh. Um, well. I can’t tell you anything more than what room he’s in. His family has asked that of us.”

  “Give me his room number.” I pick up a pen and write 228, on my hand, when she gives it to me. “Thanks.”

  Dropping the pen, I grab my purse and keys and head out to the hospital. It’s about forty minutes away.

  A long as hell forty minutes…

  Chapter 7

  CYPRIAN

  Bright light filters through beige curtains, a steady beep is near my head, filling my ears as antiseptic stings my nose. “I made it,” I croak out.

  The pain was unbearable. I asked Aston to take me to the hospital but he thought it would be better if an ambulance came to get me. He called my father and he got to me before the ambulance did.

  I called Cami more times than I can remember. She never answered any of my calls. I guess she’s done with me. And I cannot blame her.

  “Hey there,” a soft voice calls out to me.

  I turn my head to find a nurse, in pink scrubs coming into my room. “Hi,” I say and find my throat is so dry.

  She smiles and picks up a cup of water with a straw in it and gives me a drink. “The IV is keeping you hydrated but it can’t help the mouth stay that way. How’s the pain level, Mr. Girard?”

  I recall the paramedics asking me that and telling them to register it between one and ten. It was a ten when they had me. “A five.” I point to my side. “Here is where it hurts.”

  She nods. “That’s where they made the incision to take out that pesky appendix that ruptured on you a couple of nights ago. That will no longer bother you.”

  “What did I do to make it give up on me?” I ask as I don’t recall ever finding that out in the past. “What makes them rupture?”

  “There’s nothing you could’ve done to prevent it from happening. It just happens to some people, not all. There’s no way to tell. You can be sure it won’t happen again, though. It’s outta there!” She laughs and checks my machines. “You gave your family quite a scare with how long you took to wake up. They’ll be glad to see those pretty brown eyes, open.”

  “Did anyone else come to see me?” I ask her. “A beautiful young woman with curly black hair and dark blue eyes, perhaps?”

  Her green eyes droop at the corners as her lips form a straight line. “No. Would you like me to help you call that beautiful young woman?”

  “No,” I say then think twice about it. “Maybe.”

  She picks up the phone next to the bed. “Give me her number and I’ll call her for you.”

  “Is my cell phone here by any chance?” I ask. “I don’t have her number memorized.”

  She shakes her head. “There’s no cell phone in here. Sorry. Perhaps she’ll see the news when they report you woke up and come see you.”

  “I’m on the news?”

  She nods. “Yes, your story was. Clemson is waiting to hear you’ve woken up. Everyone will be so relieved. You had many worrying about you.”

  “Not many know me,” I say as I doubt her words.

  With a gesture to one side of me, she says, “Then where did all these get-well cards and flowers come from?”

  Turning my head, I see a ton of cards and flowers as well as balloons. “Wow!”

  “Yes, wow. So, I’m going to run out to the nurses’ station and deliver the good news and send your doct
or in to see you. Should I call your father and mother? We have their numbers.”

  I nod and she leaves me. My heart thuds in my chest as I now know my story was on the news and Cami has not even checked on me.

  Somewhere, deep inside of me, I thought she would give a shit. I suppose what I did was so bad, she never wants to see me again. And it’s pretty obvious she doesn’t care if I’m alive or dead.

  It’s both good and bad to wake up alive. On the one hand, I have life. On the other, what good is it if you have to live it all alone?

  A man in dark blue scrubs comes into the room, looking pretty happy. “Hi, man am I glad to see those eyes open. Mr. Girard, I was the man who administered your anesthesia. When you didn’t wake up, you had my nerves frazzled.”

  “Sorry to do that to you,” I tell him then look out the window. “What time is it?”

  “A bit after seven in the morning. So, do you feel groggy at all?”

  “No, I’m sore and stiff but my mind is growing sharper with each passing moment.” And becoming more and more aware of how Cami really feels about me.

  She’s done with me. I should leave this town. If I run into her, it’ll just continue to fuck my head up.

  “Do you have anyone to help you at home, Mr. Girard?” he asks me as another man walks in with tan slacks and a gray button-down, a clipboard is in his hands.

  “I have my staff.”

  “Great,” the other man says. “I am Doctor Wilkins. I performed the surgery. You didn’t get to meet me. This guy had you out by the time I got to you. The procedure was complete and you will need to give yourself a full month to completely recover.”

  The nurse comes back in and takes over where the surgeon left off, “No heavy lifting. Nothing over 5 pounds. No tub baths. Showers only.”