Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh

by Harmon Cooper

  After he has received a response, he turns to a spiral staircase in the corner of the bakery and tells the Mitherfickers to follow him.

  “Not another staircase,” Hiccup grumbles.

  (x)__(x)

  “So, a little background,” Lothar says as he sits on a large leather sofa chair set behind an enormous polar bear rug. With no place to sit, the Mitherfickers take a seat on the fur. Zaena remains standing, her arms crossed over her chest.

  “No backstories, please,” Hiccup laments. His boots are already off, his funkified feet fouling up the air. Surprisingly, only Wolf tolerates the smell, which goes to show just how dumbly loyal dogs can be.

  The others sit on the other side of the rug, as far from the funk as possible without triggering the goblin.

  “It all began on a relatively warm winter day on a trip from the city of giants known as Tael to the city of scholars known as Solidus. The Red Plague was moving towards the southern lands of Unigaea, and I did not know at the time that Florin Talonas, governor of Stater, was working to take all of Unigaea.”

  “Fick me, is this guy serious?” Hiccup asks Wolf. “Like anyone gives a bloody fick about Unigaea. I mean, Tritania is clearly better. We got orclins with quad-tits, if you get my drift, Wolfy, and judging by your size, I’m pretty sure you had your fair share of teat when you were a pup.”

  “I met Oric and Wolf on that fateful day, and my world was forever changed!” Lothar laughs for a moment at his own joke. “It was Oric who sent me, and later Gadsaa, my future wife, to Tritania. And not a moment too soon. Unigaea was completely destroyed soon after that, and once I adjusted to Tritania, and undertook a few adventures, I opened this bakery with an upstairs library.”

  Hiccup shifts his body so he can use Wolf as a headrest. His crusty feet now face the other Mitherfickers.

  “I was a scholar in Unigaea. In Tritania, I’m a baker by choice, mind you, as I’ve been offered an emeritus position at the Polynian Technical Academy in Porthos. That said, my studies have opened up some very interesting discoveries in Tritania and its three floating continents. So, let's begin with the Runestones of Tritinakh. Are you aware what Tritinakh means?”

  “Tritania,” Hiccup says, his eyes closed. “If these fickers can’t decipher that from context clues, they need to go back to Hyperborea. Let’s get to the fruit of this chalupa, Big Guy.”

  “Very well.” Lothar removes his glasses and polishes the lenses. “Then I will cut to the chase: the first runestone is beneath Waringtla, in the catacombs that double as a sewer under the city.”

  “Sewers? Looks like I need to get out the hazmat.” As if he has been planning it all along, FeeTwix snaps his fingers and a hazmat suit appears on his body.

  “Too orange, Twixy,” Hiccup says, shielding his eyes. “Reminds me of my first girlfriend’s makeup.”

  “Spew Gorge’s mom?” Ryuk calls over to him.

  “Hey! Keep your jokes to yourself, Marbles, I’m in my fickin’ safe space here and you know what they say about throwing rocks in glass houses: it’s a perfectly good waste of rock! Fick me, now that’s a joke.” The goblin’s eyes flash and confusion forms on his face.

  “We’re in Lothar’s library,” FeeTwix tells him quickly. “Lothar is Oric’s friend, Oric is Wolf’s owner.”

  “I know who Wolfy’s owner is,” Hiccup grumbles. “And thanks for the updates. Who’s the elf? Oh, that’s right, the one who wasn’t vetted properly.”

  Lothar takes a deep breath. “The first runestone should be easy for you to get. It’s guarded by an underground giant named Fafner. He’s a Unigaea outcast, a former friend of mine who was able to make his way to Tritania.”

  “A friend of yours is guarding the first runestone?” Ryuk asks.

  Lothar sighs. “That he is. Fafner used to run the museum of sorts in Tael. He was obsessed with Busty Gazongas, and was so offended by, well, Oric’s comments on her painting, that he kind of went off the deep end.”

  “What did Oric say that offended him?” asks Ryuk.

  “Something about her breasts.”

  “Fick, did you say Busty Gazongas? As in, the Busty Gazongas?” Hiccup makes a hand gesture in front of his chest.

  “Yes, Hiccup, the same one that giants in Tritania look up to.”

  “I’d look up to those things too!”

  “And this ex-friend of yours is guarding the runestone?” FeeTwix asks, his voice muffled by his hazmat suit.

  “He believes it gives him power, and will do anything to defend it.”

  “And does it actually give him power?” asks Enway.

  “No, but like many things in many worlds, yours and the ones I’ve visited, the belief of power given has led to power had.”

  Hiccup yawns, and turns to his other side.

  “Once you’ve made it through the catacombs, you’ll come out near Bluwid, the predominantly goblin city on the easternmost coast of Polynya. This is good for you. The second runestone is there.”

  Hiccup flips back over. “We’re going to Bluwid? I have family all over that shithole!”

  The giant nods. “Last I heard, a goblin shaman has been using the runestone to cure various goblin ailments, such as Goblinheimer’s.”

  “Cure Goblinheimer’s? Pfft, like that will work.” Hiccup squints up at Lothar. “Will it do anything for warts?”

  “Baka!”

  “Fick you, Marbles! I’ve got warts, okay? There, I’ve said it. Not big ones, and these are clearly sexually transmitted, so they can’t be dangerous, I mean, at least for chalupas, they aren’t. Female choops could be different. But what can you do, really?”

  FeeTwix clears his throat and speaks, his voice still muffled. “And now would be as good a time as any to remind everyone watching my feed that G. Todd has created an app that filters in live time, people, anything filthy the goblin says!”

  “The goblin has a fickin’ name!” Hiccup pounds his fist against the ground. Wolf looks up, huffs, and goes back to resting.

  “That’s right, if you don’t want to hear about goblin chalupa warts, install G. Todd’s app now!”

  Lothar chuckles. “I don’t know if this goblin shaman can cure warts, but before you take the runestone from her, you can definitely ask.”

  “I just might,” Hiccup growls. “Now we got places to go, people to see, and I’ve got a little revenge to get.”

  “Later, goblin.”

  “Lizzy, I swear to the Empress’ fantastic fun bags, if you don’t stop it with the racism, I’ll … I’ll talk to HR.”

  “HR?” The Thulean rolls her eyes.

  “We don’t have HR in our guild, Hiccup. Please quit interrupting,” Ryuk says. “Who has a healing potion? If we give you a healing potion, will you shut up?”

  “You can’t fickin’ bribe me, and yes, if you give me a healing potion, I’ll shut up. So gimme, gimme, gimme.”

  FeeTwix equips a potion and tosses it over to the goblin, who examines it, mumbles about it being the store brand, twists the top off and throws it back. His stomach grumbles, he beats his chest with his mechanical fist, and he sighs bitterly as he tosses the bottle over his head.

  “So, the first runestone is beneath Waringtla, the second in Bluwid, and the final runestone is in the Sabors. This one will be considerably more difficult to get. Come and see me before you go for that one, after you have acquired the first two.”

  “Cool, so let’s go.” Hiccup stands and wipes his hands. “Wait. We’re good here, right? Isn’t there some other shit that was supposed to go down?”

  “There’s one more thing,” Lothar says, his eyes dropping onto Enway. “The Book of Time.”

  .5. The Poo Fighters

  Lothar asks Ryuk to climb a ladder to a top shelf of his bookcase and bring down a small wooden box wrapped in black chains.

  “You sure you don’t need any help up there?” FeeTwix asks. The Swede has removed the face mask of his hazmat suit but still wears the rest of his bright orange getup.


  “I’ve got it.” Once he’s up there, Ryuk places the box under one arm, and with a quick look down, he begins his descent. The box isn’t heavy, but it is bulky, and about halfway down the ladder, he misses one of the rungs and falls to the floor.

  -93 HP!

  “Ryuk!” Enway cries.

  “My word! Are you okay, Ryuk?” Lothar asks.

  The wooden box still in his hands, Ryuk sits up, his face flaming with embarrassment. He gives the giant a very pathetic thumbs up.

  “You okay?” Enway asks, now at his side. Zaena has also joined her.

  “Fick me, Marbles, you fall like a goblin.” Hiccup cracks up. “Tell me you recorded that, Twixy. The Fickers will love it.”

  FeeTwix points at his eyes. “I’ve gone blue. I know that Ryuk’s brother watches my feed. Sure, he’ll eventually figure out whatever it is this book does, but like any good author knows: show don’t tell! Also, I’m pretty sure I mentioned we were in Waringtla. Or at least a giant city. I really need someone to filter my feed.”

  “Here’s the box,” Ryuk says as he approaches the giant.

  “Good, just hold onto it for a moment.” Lothar looks the Mitherfickers over. “I’m guessing by your character classes that only one of you is truly able to use this book.” His eyes land on Enway. “This book has done a lot of good, and it has also done a lot of bad. It’s best that it remain locked, but if Oric sent you to retrieve it, then I’ll readily relinquish it. Now.” He claps his hands together, startling Hiccup and Wolf.

  “Fick!” The goblin leaps up, draws his toe knife, and twists around. “I thought, fick, I don’t know what I thought. Ghosts don’t clap. They’re depressed. No one who is depressed claps. I hate fickers that are depressed. Just take a look outside, am I right? Great big world, lots of lady choops or chalupas, if you’re into that. Some people are more desperate than others, uglier too.”

  “Quiet, goblin.”

  “Liz?” He looks to her and the Thulean returns his glare. As usual, Zaena is the first to look away.

  “Um, yes, let’s move on,” says Lothar. “You can argue amongst yourselves later. The key is over there.”

  Enway moves to get the key, but Zaena’s ghost limb beats her to it. The Thulean drops the key in her hands and ruffles the goblin’s pink top knot.

  “Hands to your fickin’ self!”

  “The key should be the only golden one on the ring,” Lothar says as soon as Zaena has handed the key ring to Enway.

  “Found it.”

  “You want me to, um, hold it while you open it?” asks Ryuk.

  “Fick me to tears, Twixy, you hear that?”

  FeeTwix winks at the goblin and nods.

  “Holding it is fine,” Enway says softly as she sticks the key in its proper place and pops the top open.

  “Let me see!” Hiccup nearly shoves Enway aside as he approaches the box. “Bring it down lower, Ryuk, not all of us are tall as a giraffe’s ass.”

  Enway shakes her head. “Is that how you’d describe me?”

  “It’s one way I’d describe you,” the goblin says as Ryuk lowers the box to reveal a leather-bound book with a closed eye on its cover.

  “Fick, that’s spooky.”

  “The Book of Time, yes?” asks Zaena, who stands on the other side of Enway now.

  “It is a relic from Unigaea,” explains Lothar. “It is less powerful here, thankfully, and that’s a story for another day, but in Unigaea, it possibly the strongest weapon available – if used correctly, of course. Some of its more frightening abilities have been stripped from the book here in Tritania. The greatest wielder of the Book of Time in my lifetime was Sam Raid. There were others, but in her brief time with the book, she did more with it than anyone would have imagined.”

  Enway reaches into the wooden box and takes the book out. “How do I use it?”

  Lothar, who is hunched over the Mitherfickers intently watching the proceedings, takes another deep breath. “From what I recall, I believe it is the book that uses you.”

  As her hand hovers over the closed eye on the book’s cover, the eye flickers open, squints, and rolls back, turning white.

  A wisp of pink and yellow magic curls up Enway’s arms and forms two sharp needles that lift off her shoulders and point at her head like a cobra ready to strike.

  “Fick!” Hiccup ducks for cover as the magic zips into Enway’s skull.

  She stumbles backwards, only to be caught by Zaena’s ghost limbs. Once righted, Enway immediately sits to ground herself.

  A red tear drop forms in the center of her forehead; her hair darkens, her skin turns a caramel color, and an hourglass necklace takes shape over her bosom.

  Enway’s sclerae fill with red ink. Her eyes stay this way, no pupils present. The last thing to take shape is a wand. The receiving end is black, rotten, yet the handle is light brown, a fresh piece of wood.

  She turns it over in her hands for a moment, admiring it.

  “A fickin’ demon wench? Welp, I’m done. Wolfy, get over here. We’re going to the orchouse. Fick this.” Hiccup turns to Wolf, walks past the beast, and whistles for him once he reaches the non-people stairs.

  After Wolf doesn’t come, and curiosity gets the best of the goblin, he waddles back over to the Mitherfickers and takes his place behind Ryuk. They’re all in front of Lothar now, who peers over their shoulders at the seated Enway.

  “Look, fickers, once people’s eyes start going all Exorcist, I’m fickin’ out. Hear me? Out. I already told you guys, I don’t get paid for this,” Hiccup complains. “No fickin’ overtime, no healthcare, no complimentary chalupa relief, no 401K, no reduced summer hours, no nothing. And that’s not to mention the fact that none of the new members have been properly vetted. Very bad people, folks, real losers, and now we have a red-eyed demon.”

  “My eyes are red? I wasn’t even focused on that, I was focused on the fact that I gained four levels from the transformation.” An ivory mirror materializes in Enway’s hand and she looks herself over. “My god. And this necklace...”

  “Your god is right,” Hiccup says, nervous as ever. “Shit is fickin’ ficked up.”

  “Four levels?” asks Ryuk, trying to change the subject away from her appearance. “Not bad at all from an artifact. Usually, only sponsored items have properties like that.”

  “Will her eyes stay red?” FeeTwix asks. “Cause I have some pretty badass Ray-Bans you can wear if you don’t like the color.” The Swede equips a pair of Wayfarers and tosses them over to Enway, who tries them on and nods at her reflection in the mirror.

  “Better.”

  “You are concerned about style right now when you possess one of the most powerful books in the Proxima Galaxy?” Lothar asks, no hint of disappointment in his voice.

  “I like your eyes better without glasses,” Zaena adds.

  Enway shrugs and hands the sunglasses back to the Swede. “What about this necklace?”

  “Ah, good question. When you cast a spell, the sand in the necklace will begin to fall to the other side. Once it has completely depleted itself, you can cast another spell.”

  She begins flipping through the pages. “And this is the Unigaean language?”

  “It is,” says Lothar.

  “Why can I understand it?”

  “Because you are now Tritania’s one and only Time Mage, or as it was known in Unigaea, an Hourglass Mage. To be an Hourglass Mage, one must have a basic understanding of the Unigaean language.”

  Enway stops at the end of the book. “Why are the last few pages missing?”

  “Because those spells aren’t necessary for a Time Mage to possess. I’ve had them removed, locked away.”

  “There’s some very interesting stuff in here,” she says as she skims through another page.

  “There is, and I hope it is useful to your guild and your cause. Now, Gadsaa is going to be angry if I don’t go downstairs and man the front. We will meet shortly, after you’ve recovered the first two runesto
nes, and we can discuss more then.” The giant stands. “Until that time, I wish you all luck.”

  “That’s it?” Hiccup asks as everyone starts to turn to the exit stairs. “No fickin’ pastries or anything? I need carbs, dammit!”

  Lothar laughs. “Later, Hiccup, once you all return with the first two runestones.”

  (0)__(0)

  “So just hop in anywhere, huh?” FeeTwix asks, still in his hazmat suit. The Mitherfickers have gathered around a manhole not far from Lothar’s bakery. The sun is at its apex in the sky, and while it’s still a warm day, a cold breeze has blown in from the east. Wolf seems rejuvenated, and looks especially happy that the goblin decided not to ride him on their short walk over.

  “There’s no way in fick I’m going in that shithole, and seriously, it is a shithole. All sewers are shitholes.”

  “Jatla is a shithole,” Ryuk says.

  “Watch your fickin’ mouth, Marbles!”

  “Relax, Hiccup, there aren’t ghosts in the sewers,” says the Swede as he lowers the mask on his suit and seals it up. “We’re just going to work our way through to the easternmost point.”

  “I know there aren’t any ghosts in the sewers, Twixy. I’m just opposed to bad smells. Also, anyone ever think it was funny how they call these things manholes? That’s not what I call a manhole! Ha!”

  Zaena sighs. “I find it incredibly hard to believe that you don’t like bad smells, goblin, considering your company.”

  “I agree, you four kiddos are some very stinky mitherfickers. Wolf’s breath smells bad, a little like aged fupa sweat kept in a bottle for a decade, but that’s something I don’t really have much of a problem with.”

  “Aged fupa?” Ryuk asks. FeeTwix gives him the head shake that means ‘you don’t want to know.’

  “I was referring to you, goblin, you keep your own company.”

  “Makes no sense, Liz, sorry. I don’t speak dumbass.”

  “Okay, everyone, enough bickering.” Enway smiles at the group. “Let’s get through the sewers as quickly as possible.”

  “Now that’s something I can fickin’ agree with.”