Fantasy Online_The Runestones of Tritinakh

by Harmon Cooper

  “And jamming your finger in your nose helps you kick ass how?”

  “That’s a weird sentence, Liz, but I get what you’re asking. Cleaning out the nostrils,” he places his finger on his left nostril and blows air out the right, “helps me open the airways. Look, kiddos, we need to be realistic. Without FeeTwix, someone has to be the best member in the team.”

  “I believe that would be me.”

  “You would say that, Liz; excessive confidence runs in your blood. But that’s beside the point. I’m taking the lead here, and I’ll pick my nose whenever I goddamn like. We good?”

  Damn goblin. Ryuk crosses his arms over his chest.

  “That’s the spirit, you poofty emo kronut. Ha! I still don’t know what a kronut is. Regardless, here’s how this revenge side quest is going to work: we need to sabotage whatever it is Og Lemon is planning.”

  “Who is this Og again?”

  “Og is the guy who nearly caused me to lose my chalupa back in Jatla. He was supposed to provide a nice, Michelin star dinner for me and my guest, who just so happened to be an ink shadow. Well, he ended up ficking me over.”

  “Did you deserve it?” Ryuk asks.

  “What!? What kind of ficked up question is that? Of course I deserved it. I fickin’ stole his spicy sauce.” A bottle of red sauce appears in his hand. “This spicy sauce, to be exact.”

  “What’s so special about this sauce? I will overlook the fact that whatever Og did, you likely deserved it.”

  “Thanks for the vote of confidence, Liz. Now, this isn’t any hot sauce, this stuff is called HotAzz Ballz sauce, and boy fick does it live up to its name. One fickin’ sip of this stuff, and you’ll be burping fire. Kind of like when Marbles swallows his fire marble, or whatever the fick it’s called, and starts spitting fire.”

  “Bullshit,” Ryuk says. He hears voices somewhere and presses further into the shadows provided by the alley.

  “Inside voices, Marbles, this is about to be a heist. Fick, Ocean’s Three, if you get my drift. Wait. That doesn’t make sense. We’re not stealing anything, we’re sabotaging. Anyfick, I don’t have a filter, sorry. What did you just ask me?”

  “I didn’t ask you anything, Hiccup, I said that I don’t believe your hot sauce actually works.”

  “The fick you say?” Hiccup uncorks the hot sauce and holds in front of him. “Okay, Marbles, two can play at this game. You really want to see what this shit is capable of?”

  “I do,” Zaena says.

  Hiccup takes a small swig and turns to the wall behind him. One burp later and a giant fireball exits his lips, nearly setting his eyebrows on fire. “Fick!” he burps again and another fireball flies from his mouth, this one hitting an overturned trash can.

  Zaena’s eyes go wide. “Wow! It is like magic.”

  “Shit is good too,” Hiccup says, about to burp. He beats his chest instead. “Okay, I’m better. Anyway, the plan is simple. We break into the restaurant and we add this shit to whatever he’s going to serve his guests. Needs to be something premade, and not something he’d taste before giving it out. Now let’s figure out how we’re going to get inside.”

  Like a fat man adjusting his belt, Hiccup fiddles with his pants for a moment. He shoots Zaena a look that says, “don’t judge me,” and turns to the back door of the restaurant.

  “Can you pick it?” Ryuk asks. “It’s a lion lock, right?”

  Hiccup stares at the lock for a moment and its golden lion face. The metal lion opens its mouth and licks its metallic lips. “Nope, not going anywhere fickin’ near that thing. Looks like we have to go in from the front.”

  Ryuk hears the voices again and his Extreme Focus skill kicks in. It feels even more powerful than before, and as everything is bathed in shadow, Ryuk can sense that the voices are coming from the front of the restaurant.

  “We’re going to have to fight our way in.” Ryuk equips his Marble Shotgun and begins loading the canister.

  “Fick. Marbles, you sure have become trigger happy since getting that damn thing. Whatever happened to the old Marbles, the one happy with his slingshot?”

  “I was never happy with my slingshot,” Ryuk says as he checks his weapon to make sure everything is in place.

  “Let’s try the rooftop,” Zaena suggests. “We may not have to fight if we go that route, and if we do have to fight, we’ll have advantage.”

  “We should fight, if we can. After all, we need more levels.”

  “That’s the problem with leveling up,” Hiccup says as Zaena lifts herself to the roof. “Just getting a couple is never enough. Fick, it’s like capitalism in that regard. Always wanting more. Fick me, I’m happy with my fair share, as long as my fair share is bigger than other people’s fair shares, am I right? Hey! Fick, Lizzy, careful with the goods.”

  As Liz begrudgingly lifts Hiccup to the rooftop, Ryuk pops a gravity marble in and floats up.

  (0)__(0)

  “There are no other entrances up here,” Zaena reminds Hiccup as they duck behind the parapet that overlooks the entrance to the restaurant. A giant guard stands at the front, a huge club in his hands.

  “Yeah, I get that,” he says as he takes another peek at the courtyard. “But how in the fick are we supposed to take out a giant? More importantly, if we do take out a giant, how are we going to make it look like it was a mistake?”

  “Why would we do that?” Ryuk asks.

  “Gee, I don’t know. If we go down there and hand him his ass, then Og Lemon, or the owners of the restaurant, will be suspicious. They’ll know that something is up. Now, if we had more time, I think we could kill him, cut his body up, and then make those parts disappear, but then again, morning is near and we’re running out of time.”

  “We’re not dismembering a giant.”

  “Marbles, you sure get sensitive when I drop truth bombs and good ideas. How else are we supposed to get in there?”

  “Let me look around.”

  Ryuk stands and moves back into the shadows. He can see the giant in the courtyard below, a muscular man in armor with a logo on the back. DD Security, huh? He shakes his head. Dirty Dave has his fingers in a lot of pies, and this is one that Ryuk would rather not bring his guild into.

  “There has to be a way,” he says to himself as he walks along the rooftop.

  His Extreme Focus kicks in and he begins looking for any sign, any chance of getting in. It takes him a good five minutes, but he is rewarded when he finds a vent covered by a wooden crate. He moves the wooden crate over and presses his head into the bars of the vent, hoping to sense what is on the other side.

  It’s a kitchen, he realizes, as soon as the outlines of various kitchen appliances take shape in his mind’s eye.

  Ryuk returns to Hiccup and Zaena. “There’s another way in, through a vent that was covered by a crate. From what I can detect, the crate was just moved there recently. I think the vent leads directly to the kitchen, although it may be a storage room in the kitchen. Either way, it’s our only option.”

  The three quickly move over to the vent and Hiccup laments the fact he’s not going to be able to squeeze in there.

  “The vent isn’t fickin’ big enough.”

  “Translation: you’re too fat to fit.”

  “Liz, for the sake of all ficks given in and around Tritania, if you keep up the fat-shaming, you’re going to be responsible for the death of a goblin with at least forty thousand real world fans, who will come after you. You want that?”

  She pats him on the head with her own hand, for once. “I’ll tell you what, Hiccup, because Ryuk and I like you so much, we’ll go down there and handle this for you.”

  “You’d do something like that for me?”

  Ryuk and Zaena exchange glances. “For sure,” he says, “as long as you can keep quiet up here. In fact, how about you just leave this to us and, um, leave all together.”

  “But this is my side quest!”

  “And that’s fine, it’s still your side quest, but y
ou can’t fit in there.”

  “Like fick I can’t. Liz, remove the manhole cover.”

  “It isn’t a manhole cover.”

  “Liz, remove the vent cover. I’m going in there whether you two like it or not.”

  The goblin’s clothes fall off his body.

  “Why are you taking your clothes off?” Zaena asks, turning away from him.

  “Just remove the cover and get down there. Once you’re there, see if you can’t find something lubricated, like some butter or some fickin’ lard. Send it up and I’ll handle the rest. We can spawn out of here, rather than try to get back out.” He eyes Ryuk and Zaena. “We good?”

  “I guess?” says Ryuk.

  “I might be lazy, but this is my revenge to get, and I’d be no better than one of those fickboys in the Shinigami or your bitch-titted older brother if I let someone else do my dirty work. Now get down there and find me some lube!”

  (0)__(X)

  “Don’t get any sicko ideas after I’m all lubed up, Marbles,” Hiccup calls down the ventilation shaft.

  “Fucking idiot,” Ryuk says as he and Zaena search for something lube-worthy.

  Just as Ryuk had predicted, the shaft actually led to a storage room attached to the kitchen. It’s a pretty small place, but it’s well-stocked, and it doesn’t take Zaena long to find an unopened bucket of lard.

  Using one of her throwing knives, she cracks the lid open and lifts the bucket up the ventilation shaft.

  “Fick yeah, Liz, how’d you know I was a fan of Aramis lard? Way better than the rich people shit they make in Porthos. Fick yeah, tastes like my childhood.”

  “This should be interesting,” Zaena says as she steps over to the door, just about as far away as she can get from the exit point of the ventilation shaft overhead. It was a pretty straight shot for them to go from the rooftop to here, so as long as Hiccup can get adequately lubed, and as long as he can somehow fit his very round girth into a very square entry point, he should be good to go.

  Ryuk starts to laugh.

  “What?” Zaena asks, a warm smile forming on her face as her cheeks lift.

  Something soft flickers behind her orange eyes. Ryuk is quite fond of her, and she of him, but they’re usually overwhelmed by louder guild members to the point where they don’t communicate much.

  “This is the stupidest thing we’ve ever done.”

  “Is it?” Zaena thinks. “There may have been stupider things, but I haven’t kept track. One day at a time.”

  “Okay, fickers, I’m lubed up and ready to get my ass down there. Marbles, hold your arms wide and be ready to catch me.”

  “Um, sure,” Ryuk says, also moving just about as far away from the exit point as he can. “Go ahead.”

  They hear some struggling and the creak of the ventilation shaft. For a moment, nothing happens. Ryuk glances at Zaena just as a whooshing sound fills the room.

  -236 HP! Critical hit!

  Hiccup’s almost naked ass hits the tile floor hard, and for a moment, the glistening hunk of grade A goblin meat flaps around like a fish.

  “Yoooooooooooy! Fick, Marbles! Fick!”

  Hiccup gets his bearings and throws his arms out, belly facing up as if he were auditioning for the role of Patrick Star in a SpongeBob Squarenuts live action feature.

  He groans some more as a healing potion appears in his mechanical hand. He pops the generic potion in his mouth and slowly begins to regain his strength. Hiccup sits up and finishes the bottle.

  “You done yet?” Zaena asks.

  “Hard to drink lying down.” He’s just about to toss the healing potion over his shoulder when he decides to return it to his list instead. “And for the love of fick, what part of ‘catch me with open arms’ do you fail to comprehend? My fick that was painful. Marbles. Your stupid move almost put me in retirement. Don’t be surprised if I schedule a meeting with HR over this shit. The people who work for the guilds of Jatla are protected, albeit loosely, by OSHA laws.”

  “Quit bitching. This was your idea.”

  “You’re right there, Liz,” Hiccup says as he stands.

  A greasy imprint of his body still on the floor, the goblin finds a mop and wipes the lard away. He does so without putting clothes on.

  “Please, goblin, clothes.”

  “The name…”

  “Hiccup, please put clothes on,” Zaena says, still averting her gaze.

  “Later, Liz, I’m busy here!” He tosses the mop over his shoulder. “Let’s find some food to sabotage.”

  They enter larger kitchen and Hiccup’s nostrils flare.

  “The food smells great,” Zaena says.

  “Og Lemon is a damn good chef,” Hiccup says as he scratches his well-oiled belly. “He’s half orc, half goblin, an orclin, and believe you me, those fickers can cook. Okay, like I said, we can’t make this fickin’ obvious.”

  Ryuk stops in front of a large tuna resting on a block of ice. “Too obvious.”

  “You’re thinking right, kid, desserts. That’s how we’ll do it. I want this shit to go down at the end.” Hiccup thinks for a moment. “I can imagine it now: Og has all his lunch guests, he serves their courses, and he serves the dessert all at the same time. Boom. Fire breath. Gonna be a scorcher, folks. Fick, I wish I could be here to smell it.”

  “Gross.”

  “Marbles, you’ve made it this far, and you’ll likely be my accomplice in a number of deaths tomorrow, so don’t start sticking your nose up at it now. Remember that, after about lunch time tomorrow, you’re technically a murderer.”

  I’m glad there isn’t such a thing as “infamy” in Tritania, Ryuk thinks as he heads into a room designed for a pastry chef. A huge wooden board on the table before them already has a bowl of dough on it, left to rise overnight.

  Ryuk enters a smaller room, and it’s here that he finds tarts with a red sauce already on them. There are other desserts, such as macaroons, but the tart looks to be the best way to hide the fiery hot sauce.

  HotAzz Ballz? Ryuk tries to remember the name. Why does everything stemming from Jatla have to be so ridiculous?

  A macaroon lifts into the air and Ryuk turns to see the Thulean enjoying it. “You sure love those things.”

  “They are wonderful,” Zaena says.

  “Yeah, those things are what caused you to turn in your V Club membership to FeeTwix.”

  Zaena spins around. “Watch it, goblin.”

  “Fick! Sorry, Liz, I didn’t know that was actually true.”

  “I didn’t say it was true!”

  “But you didn’t say it wasn’t, which where I’m from is basically the same thing as the truth. Marbles, hurry the fick up in there. You finding anything that will work?”

  “This should do,” Ryuk says, lifting the tray of tarts.

  “Fick yes, it will. Okay, let’s douse these fickers with the HotAzz Ballz sauce and get the fick to Kayi. Don’t do the ones from the front; the pastry chef may taste those ones. Do the ones in the middle, yeah, those ones, and let’s hope for something ficked up to happen tomorrow.”

  .18. Kayi Regroup

  “Are you three hungry?” Enway stands in her living room wearing an apron. Ryuk can smell a soup boiling in the kitchen. They’re in Kayi now, and he still feels a little guilty for what he just did in Og Lemon’s kitchen. “The soup I’ve made has a special ingredient in it called Karuna Basil. It will increase our LUCK for the next few hours.”

  “I’ll have some,” Ryuk says, a grin spreading across his face as he takes Enway in. They haven’t been apart very long, but for some reason, he’s missed her. Just having her around gives him a sense of comfort.

  “Fick yeah, I’ll increase my luck any day.” The almost nude, very oiled goblin steps into Enway’s kitchen, leaving greasy footprints in his wake.

  “Do I need to ask?”

  Zaena sits on Enway’s couch. “We had to lube him up to get him down a ventilation shaft.”

  “I lubed myself up, Liz, thank-you-v
ery-much,” Hiccup calls from the kitchen. “I’m nobody’s liddle fickboy, got that?”

  “You may want to put a tarp down.”

  “Good idea.” Enway takes a large canvas tarp from a cabinet and places it on the couch just as Hiccup is about to plop down. Zaena instinctively stands.

  “You could put clothes on, Hiccup.”

  “Good, Liz, you’re learning how to talk to me like an adult and use my real name. Sure, I’ll take your request, but I was getting comfortable in my birthday suit.” He snaps his mechanical fingers and his normal get-up appears on his body. His neck and any visible portion of his skin is still greasy.

  “What’s with the goblin?” Oric asks as he enters the living room. He looks better than he did yesterday and the color in his face has returned. “Why is he so greasy?”

  “Greasy? Look, Conan, you try to fit your chiseled chest down a ventilation shaft.” Hiccup throws back a big spoonful of Enway’s soup. “Wow! Not too fickin’ shabby. Needs salt, but then again, everything needs salt.”

  Oric turns to Ryuk. “So that’s what happened here?”

  “It is, and also, I wanted to thank you for introducing us to Lothar. He was very helpful, and his information made it very easy for us to find the first two runestones.”

  “And the third? There are three, correct?”

  “That’s right, Conan,” Hiccup says as soup dribbles down his chest.

  “And where is Wolf?” Oric asks, a hint of worry in his voice.

  “He is resting at Lothar’s,” Zaena says. “We are all going back there soon to take the airship to the Sabors. We will meet Wolf and FeeTwix there.”

  “FeeTwix is with him?”

  “Wrong again, Tarzan! FeeTwix is at the shooting range with Dirty Dave, fickin’ shit up.”

  “Okay.”

  “What? Don’t believe me?”

  “I didn’t say that.” Oric places both hands on his hips. “I’d like to join you in the Sabors, if that’s possible.”

  “Definitely,” says Ryuk as Oric’s stats appear.

  Oric Rune Level 58 Warrior Berserker

  HP: 3104/3104

  ATK: 554

  MATK: 11