by Lee Kerr
‘Don’t you worry about what I was thinking,’ I say, as I position myself between the two of them. I look at each of them and immediately decide that I have overdressed Eric. His skinny jeans and tight shirt are obviously doing their job, but maybe the little bow tie was a step too far, despite how adorable it looks.
He leans over the bar, desperate to get the barman’s attention, as Austin calmly spins on his stool. After what seems like an eternity of Eric being ignored, Austin tries to get served and immediately succeeds, and as our drinks are made we sit next to him, and for me it all becomes a little too standard. We’re back in the brochure – a photo of close friends at an amazing bar. I look around to see if I can spot a photographer to snap us all smiling together; it would be a moment caught and recorded for all of history, but all out of context and with the real emotions entirely missed by a simple lens.
‘So, Austin,’ I say, turning my stool to face him, needing to quickly create entertainment for myself. ‘Eric and I were just talking about genetics.’
‘Genetics?’ he asks, packing his headphones away into his small bag.
‘Yes, we were just saying that you are probably quite hung.’
He smiles and lets out a short laugh, showing Eric how he should have reacted.
I look at Eric, but his gaze is elsewhere. This isn’t a conversation he wants; it’s not a competition he can win. I grip his knee. ‘But you wouldn’t be Eric if it was any different.’
‘What are you talking about?’ Austin asks.
‘Nothing,’ I say. ‘But does genetics always mean stereotyping? Doesn’t it leave something to be hidden, to be different to what we expect?’
Austin suddenly smiles. ‘Girl, you need a drink,’ he says; on cue, they arrive in front of us. ‘Sip it down and I’ll get the next one.’
I obey, but I don’t sip. I let it all flow into my throat, feeling like I’ve opened a passageway straight to the numbness I desperately need. As the alcohol reaches my stomach I keep my eyes on Austin alone, knowing that he’s the kind of person who would stand a chance of keeping me. His face will always keep that calm façade; I know he won’t judge me as my views become more extreme with each drink I consume. I know that later in the evening, when I start to falter, his ample body will shield and hold me, and then his smooth voice will soothe me to sleep. I look at those arms again and I know I want to be wrapped up in them.
‘Where are the other two?’ he asks.
‘They’re probably still fucking,’ Eric says.
‘Well you two finished that pretty quickly,’ Austin says, a grin spread across his face, not looking as jealous as I want him to.
I choose not to answer him, partly wondering what Eric will say but mostly wanting Austin to have to work at it for a bit longer. I think of the other two and laugh at Kyle rampantly fucking while she just lies there. I’d bet all the money in Thailand he doesn’t hit one of her spots – that would take more effort than he will ever be capable of.
‘Do you think Kyle is hung?’ Austin asks, this cheeky grin forming across his face.
I rub his arm, taking every chance I can get to touch him before it’s just too inappropriate. ‘Oh, you like my little game, don’t you?’
He nods and laughs. ‘I’m an outsider to your little clique, but your games help me to forget that.’
I shake head violently, my mind furious that he can think such things. ‘You are a little less familiar but no more of an outsider than anyone else. And believe me, this isn’t the clique you think it is.’
Austin nods back and grins, seemingly happy about what he hears.
‘But to answer your question, I think the order goes Eric, then you, and then Kyle.’
Austin laughs, his head playfully shaking. ‘You think some mouthy jock wins because he’s got a bit of muscle on him?’ He flexes his own muscles and invites me to wrap my hands around the thickest part of his arm.
I do as I’m told, my heart racing as I connect with him, as if it’s just the two of us. ‘I might have to see it to believe it,’ I say, my defences temporarily down and allowing myself that small window of lust that I have learnt to keep in check. These feelings, if not kept on a tight lead, can open up into a chasm of emotions, which I find impossible to sort in my head.
I see him look behind me, towards Eric, for the third time this evening. This acts as my signal to let go, to stop enjoying the situation and to close that window forever. ‘Damn, you’ve gone quiet, boy,’ he says to him.
‘It’s not my favourite conversation,’ Eric says, his gaze somewhere just beyond us, like we’ve lost him, and he’s trapped in a place where he doesn’t want to be.
Austin gives him a slow wink, dressed with a grin – the sort that, if I allowed it, would melt me into a desperate puddle of neediness. ‘What you got or ain’t got don’t matter when you’ve got a face like that.’
Eric suddenly smiles; it seems as though his whole world has just changed. I look at him at just the right moment and catch sight of it – the instant when his life and everything he thought he knew suddenly changes. I see a look that should be captured for all eternity. Frown lines that he has always hidden suddenly appear, born from a smile grander and more pronounced than I would ever have thought him capable of. I slowly turn, seeing that their gazes have met and created something special. I see Austin’s arm stretched across me to touch Eric’s shoulder, and I feel the new connection between them. In this world that is changing around me I see what was hidden now comes into plain sight and it is truly beautiful. I now feel like an intruder on something that should last forever – forget their first kiss or their first orgasm; don’t bother to accelerate forty years to find them still deeply in love. I say take this moment and hold it forever as the true meaning of hope and a real symbol of love without any boundaries. Everything that follows will never be as good, never as deep.
‘What the fuck are we interrupting?’ Kyle shouts from across the room.
I curse under my breath as we untangle from our intricate web and return to our drinks as he makes his way towards us. He’s still shouting crap, his arms are waving everywhere; Jessica is clinging onto him, her slight body being tossed around as he attempts to throw some playful insult our way.
‘So, come on, what were we interrupting?’ he asks, pretending to stick two fingers down his throat. ‘It looked so beautiful.’
‘You weren’t interrupting anything, except a whole bar full of people,’ I say, as the only person I believe to be truly qualified and able to put him back in his place.
He quickly reaches down the back of my jeans. ‘What’s got you so uptight?’ he asks, and then laughs at himself, probably knowing that no one else on this holiday ever will.
‘I see you’ve been on the beers already?’ I say.
Kyle keeps laughing girlishly, despite his athlete’s body. He was born to perform and excel, but it’s all wasted on such an undeveloped mind; he never seems to realise what he could be if he just said nothing. ‘We’re all on holiday, so don’t be such a bitch… you bitch!’
I turn around on my stool, ready to remind him that he’s not on tour with his football buddies, and that this really isn’t an appropriate place to act like a dick. Before I can say anything, Eric passes the drinks from the bar to Austin and he hands them out with a calm grin on his face that says it’s going to be okay.
‘What you doing?’ Kyle asks, as he slaps Eric on the back, looking him up and down. ‘You finally got a job here? You fit in pretty well, my man!’
Eric sighs, as I imagine he wonders for the hundredth time why he’s on holiday with this caveman. ‘No, Kyle, I don’t have a job here.’
‘I think he looks perfect,’ I say, ready to defend my boy until my dying breath.
Kyle looks at me and then grips Eric’s shoulder, before running a hand through his greased hair. ‘She’s been styling you, hasn’t she? Don’t let her do that too often otherwise she’ll be fucking with your head before you know it.’
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I stand up, deciding that I’ve truly had enough. I look Kyle up and down, wondering why I ever bothered. He still has that old, over-gelled spiky hairstyle, showing just how much I tried and failed to change him. He refused to listen, couldn’t see how good he would have looked with a comb-down and some big glasses. I look at his arms and his tight t-shirt; I can easily remember everything that sits beneath – every mole and every hair – and I’m entirely clear that he doesn’t deserve what he has, and that he most definitely doesn’t know how to use it.
‘Problem?’ he says, looking down at me, a hand still on Eric’s shoulder.
‘I’ve been in Eric’s mind for quite some time, and I’m pretty pleased with how it’s going,’ I say, and prod Kyle’s chest. ‘At least he can learn and adapt, unlike you.’
‘And what the fuck gives you the right to screw with people’s minds? You know that no one has asked you to do this, don’t you?’
I shake my head, wondering how I can best hurt him. I want to silence him in the most painful way possible, to make him shut up for the whole evening. I want him to crawl away and lick his wounds, wondering why he ever chose to argue with me tonight, why he ever came on holiday and why he ever dated me in the first place. I prepare my answer, knowing that I will be revealing more than I should, but before I can say anything, a declaration from Austin fills the air and silences everyone.
‘I think Eric looks awesome,’ he says, looking straight at my man with those dark, strong eyes.
I smile, knowing it is happening – seeing something which has made sense in my head since before we got on the plane finally become reality. There are some things you just know, future events that you can connect together like dots on a page. These new connections are being made now and it feels so very special.
And now that Austin has openly declared his interest in Eric, and Kyle is showing how much he hates Austin for siding with me, I turn all my attention to Jessica. She looks fragile and silly, curled up in a chair whilst staring up at one of the television screens. It’s obvious that she hasn’t heard anything that has been said, let alone picked up on the subtle cues being given off by our small group. I focus on her as she watches some drama unfolding on a television above our heads, giving everything she has to a different reality. She scrunches up her slender frame, wrapping her long legs around her body as she absently plays with those shiny, golden locks of hair. I was always jealous of how easy she made it all look, always finding ways to stay controlled, styled and flawless, no matter her situation.
‘Where is that?’ I ask, looking at the same picture, seeing buildings burn and people run.
‘It’s a film,’ Austin says. ‘It’s been on for a while.’
Jessica suddenly turns, and I see her absence from the conversation is not as total as I first thought. ‘It’s not a film. It’s happening right now.’
Kyle buries his head in his hands and then rubs his eyes. ‘Oh, Jesus, don’t get her started on this. It’s all she’s been watching since we left the pool.’
She ignores him and looks straight at me. ‘The fires have been going on for hours,’ she says. ‘Arabia is burning.’
‘Aladdin burns!’ Kyle shouts out, banging his hands on the bar. ‘But who gives a fuck?’
I’m about to launch into another tirade at him, but the lights suddenly go out. The darkness is followed by nothing but silence, and for a moment, everyone waits, expecting that the lights will come back on and people will resume their conversations; life will continue, just as it always has and always will. A pause is just a pause; when it ends, our world as we know it will prove once again that it is the stable and solid rock that we are used to.
I sit quietly, secretly hoping that it doesn’t, contemplating what will happen if our precious reality doesn’t return with the much needed light to allow us to function as a normal, modern society.
I seem to be getting my wish: it remains dark. I hear people fumbling over their chairs and voices seeming to become clearer, as our eyes are now of limited use. At first people are calm, slowly moving around. The service people find candles and open all the blinds, letting the moonlight do what it can. I sit and watch different people shuffling and scurrying around in the shadows, seeing no point in moving myself. They declare that they are going to their rooms, making mention of obvious compensation, placing sole responsibility for everything on the poor staff, who can say nothing other than ‘so sorry.’
The lights start to flicker, like they’re at least trying to come back to us. This brings with it another period of silence, as people wait to see what will happen. They stare up at the ceiling, or at the bar staff, their demanding glances fading in and out of visibility with the failing light from the bulbs.
The lights give up again, plunging us back into near darkness. The void of silence returns and our eyes start to adjust to the candlelight again. I close my eyes and quietly wait, preparing myself for all those sighs and tuts; all those angry people making it clear that their dream holiday has been stolen from them.
I take a deep breath, but the moans of the many don’t ever come. Instead they’re replaced by a sound of screaming which drowns out everything else. This new sound is coming from a distance, from outside this room, but it still floods my senses, like a wave of fear that is spreading through the hotel. I try to figure it out, listening closely, trying to hear and trying to understand. I hear cries from countless mouths travelling across the complex – it’s in the distance, but getting closer. The news has been very weird lately and this new sound is enough to make everyone run in the opposite direction.
I grab Eric and push us forward as chairs and tables screech across the floor and those who were sitting across the room are suddenly upon us. A foot lands on the back of one of my sandals, causing me to trip. I’m just behind Eric when I fall, but no apology comes; a crowd of shadows step over me and disappear into the distance. I suddenly feel hands grip my arms – thick hands, fingers that look dark and carry individual little muscles of their own. I realise they belong to Austin, who picks me up and slowly dusts me down. He smiles and for a moment I forget where we are and what is happening. Behind him I see the horrified faces of the other guests. Their shoulders knock against his, but he doesn’t retaliate, he just calmly stares at me. Eric soon appears and grabs both of us, forcing us to run. The clashing of bodies soon causes obvious brutality, as people forget our common humanity. We all run, one big crowd of scared individuals; our fear has boiled away any loyalty – our only cause is survival, and we all head outdoors.
I realise that it is Eric who is leading the way, pulling our small human chain towards the beach. I let him lead, feeling strangely safe, thinking of his acute mind looking forward, and a tough guy at my back. They’re like a sandwich of safety, taking me to wherever these screams don’t yet exist.
It doesn’t take long before my feet sink into warm sand. It slows us down a little but still feels strangely comforting; the soft grains cover my skin, wrapping me in the warmth which still remains from earlier in the day. We keep running until we make it to the shore, along with many hundreds of other fellow holidaymakers, all strangers who I’m shaping in my mind as survivors of whatever has just happened. I turn back to see more of them leaping onto the sand, the men helping the women, and the odd child in the arms of a watchful adult.
I look back towards the complex, towards what was our temporary home, now a ghostly backdrop of dark windows and a few flickering candles, along with the odd beam of torchlight. I close my eyes and picture the brochure, remembering a photo taken from the beach; what the photographer saw then and what I see now are entirely different. You don’t hear the horrified screams when you turn each page of that glossy magazine, and you don’t imagine fear in the eyes of your fellow tourists when you picture your peaceful week away.
Everyone soon forms into several main groups, all huddled around large fires. Everyone looks around like frightened mice. This small island is now a cage, this dream holid
ay now a nightmare. I do the same as everyone else – I count the members of our group and I look around for options. The screaming gets louder, which I think means whatever is causing it is coming closer. The reactions are what you would expect to see: some huddle closer, some cry out; only a brave few walk back towards the hotel, determined not to be victims. I look behind me, but see only the sea, and realise that we have all put ourselves between hell and a barrier of water.
‘Where’s Jessica?’ I ask Kyle and only Kyle.
He lets out a long groan, his shoulders shrugging. ‘How should I know?’ he says, looking genuinely surprised by the question, which I had thought was an obvious one to ask.
‘You should know!’ I say, prodding his chest. ‘You should know because you’re sleeping with her, which means you have some level of responsibility.’
He says nothing for a moment, and just stares at me, clearly processing something bigger than his brain normally has to cope with. ‘You’re jealous, aren’t you?’ he says and pushes me backwards, into Austin’s welcome arms. ‘You had your chance with me, and you blew it!’
Before I can think of anything to say, I realise I’m laughing. I shake my head but my mind tells me he is probably right. I try to answer him, wanting to deny that there is any truth in his unexpected observation, but that sharp, sickeningly keen feeling is already rising from the depths of my dark soul. Emotions come flooding into my mind, and still I battle to say ‘no’.
An explosion in the main hotel brings me back this moment, back to the hell we’re now in. ‘I’m going to find her,’ I say, quickly moving away, before I get involved in any further debate.
Kyle stays where he is, his head shaking, clearly showing that he isn’t willing to be her hero, just her holiday fuck. I shake my head, wondering if he even bothers to hold her in bed, even bothers to stroke her where it matters most. It’s Austin and Eric who live up to the images I have created of them in my mind; they both run towards me, not willing to let me go back to the hotel alone.