I Want Your Love

by E. L. Todd

  I Want Your Love

  Book Twenty-Seven of The Forever and Ever Series

  E. L. Todd

  Chapter One

  Lexie

  I was so pathetic.

  Weeks had come and gone and I was still hung up on the man I lost. We were never anything serious, but somehow I let myself get caught up in those dark eyes and that strong exterior. I imagined him as my husband, giving me the greatest love I’d ever known.

  And then he ditched me.

  What did Beatrice have that I didn’t? She was pretty but wasn’t I? She was intelligent but I was too. Perhaps it was because she was a brunette. Conrad liked to fuck around with blondes but maybe he only wanted something serious with a brunette. Or maybe I was just reading too much into it.

  I lay on my couch with a blanket wrapped tightly around me. I was keeping warm even though it wasn’t cold. I didn’t move around much so my circulation had decreased. It wasn’t healthy but I didn’t care.

  A knock on my door shattered my moment of solitude. “What?”

  The door opened and someone came in. “You aren’t answering the door anymore?” Jared’s voice drifted to my ears.

  I sat up, not caring that I looked like hell. “I asked who it was first.”

  “No. You said what.”

  “Same difference,” I mumbled. “And what do you want?”

  He wore dark jeans and a t-shirt that made his chest look nice. His hands moved into his pockets as he maneuvered to the spot beside me on the couch. “Just came by to check in.”

  “Well, I’m fine. You can go now.” I lay down again and sighed in misery.

  “You want to get some dinner?” he asked as he faced forward.

  “If you want to get laid, that night at the bar was your only chance. The opportunity is gone.”

  He didn’t seem offended. “That’s not why I’m asking, Lexie. It seems like you could use a friend right now. From what I remember from our marriage, you never lay on the couch and did nothing.”

  “Well, people change.”

  He patted my calf. “Let’s get some pizza or something.”

  “Conrad loves pizza…” Everything reminded me of him.

  “And you and I love it too. So, let’s go out.”

  “This couch is better.”

  “Not if I sit on you and squish you.” He turned to me and gave me a threatening look.

  “Whatever, Jared. I could kick your ass.”

  “I’d like to see you try.”

  I pulled the blanket tighter around me. “I would if I wasn’t so…whatever.”

  He stood up then pulled the blanket down. “Come on. Let’s get that pizza.”

  I pulled the blanket back. “Get it delivered.”

  “No. You’re leaving this house. Now get your ass up.”

  I growled.

  Jared growled back. “Now.”

  I sighed in irritation. “Why don’t you just leave me alone?”

  “Because I can’t.” He grabbed my wrists and pulled me up. “You need to get out and do something. Don’t let this guy ruin your life.”

  “Sorry if you’ve never been depressed before,” I hissed. I tore my wrists away then grabbed my purse from the kitchen table.

  “Don’t pretend you know how I feel.” He stared me down as he said it. Then he turned away and headed to the door. “Now let’s go. I’m hungry.”

  ***

  We sat across from each other in the booth. The pizza sat between us. The cheese was melted and the toppings were greasy.

  I picked at my only slice but didn’t eat much of it. It was hard to have an appetite when I was down on my luck. All I could think about was Conrad and what he was doing. Was he madly in love with Beatrice and I was gone from his thoughts? Did those seven months mean anything to him?

  “How was your day?” Jared asked.

  “It was fine.” I looked out the window.

  “Was work good?”

  “I’m getting ready for my conference in California. I’m not looking forward to going.”

  “Why not?” he asked. “You should be excited. You worked hard to get there.”

  “I don’t know,” I said with a sigh. “I guess I just don’t care about anything anymore.”

  “Wow, you have it bad for this guy.”

  That realization was dawning on me too.

  “How long have you felt this way about him?”

  “I’m not sure,” I admitted. “It just happened. When or how is beyond my understanding. I just woke up one morning and realized it. But I also know it started a long time ago.”

  He stared at me while he chewed.

  “It’s ironic because I made him promise not to fall in love with me. Well, he upheld his end of the bargain. I didn’t.”

  “I find it unlikely he didn’t feel something for you.”

  I was beginning to realize how childish I was behaving. “I’m so angry and hurt that he’s with Beatrice again. I feel betrayed and hurt. But…he didn’t do anything wrong. He gave me exactly what he promised to give me. My anger is unfair.”

  “Well, he didn’t tell you about it. It would have been courteous if he did.”

  “But I was never his girlfriend. He doesn’t owe me an explanation.”

  “I thought you said you agreed to be monogamous?” he questioned.

  “We did. But like I said…we were never serious.”

  He dropped the slice he was holding and rested his elbows on the table. “If you went on a real date with the intention of looking for love, I guarantee you would find it. You can’t do half-asked relationships like that. Put yourself out there again, and I promise a guy who loves you to death will come along.”

  I shook my head. “No, all men are pigs.”

  “No, they aren’t,” he said firmly. “I know because I’m not one.”

  I gave him an incredulous look. “Did you forget who you’re talking to?”

  “If I were a pig, I would have fucked you that night you came to my bar. But I didn’t, Lexie. Or did you forget who you are talking to?”

  I picked at the pepperoni while I watched him.

  “I admit I was a jackass before but I’m nothing like that now. So, there’s a least one guy who isn’t a pig in this city.”

  A part of me believed Jared had changed. But another part of me wouldn’t allow me to believe it.

  “I would treat you right, Lexie. I would be the best damn husband the world has ever seen.”

  I averted my gaze. “What’s done is done, Jared. Let it go.”

  He chewed his slice again, seeming to drop the argument. “I’m glad we’re at least friends.”

  “I guess we are…” I’ve never given it much thought.

  “And I’ll be there for you during this. I know you would do the same for me.”

  I released a sarcastic laugh. “I wouldn’t, actually.”

  He sipped his soda and didn’t react. “I know you would, Lexie. You keep up that cold exterior but I know you’re warm and soft underneath. And despite how much you claim to hate me, you love me and always will. There’s no other reason why you would have came to my bar that night. You needed my help and turned to me—because you know I’ll always take care of you.”

  Jared was never this sweet to me when we were husband and wife. Why did life have to work out this way? Why couldn’t Jared and I have the relationship I wanted when we were married? Or why couldn’t Conrad want me now? My life was damned either way.

  The waitress came over and left the tab. And she pressed a piece of paper close to Jared. “Give me a call sometime.” She was a pretty brunette with perky tits. I wasn’t gay, but I knew she was a looker. I turned away and looked at my pizza, trying to pretend I didn’t notice anything.

>   When I imagined the women Jared cheated on me with, I imagined them to look like that waitress—beautiful, confident, and easy. I wasn’t jealous but I was reminded of how shitty it felt to be cheated on. I sipped my soda just so I wouldn’t appear awkward.

  Jared put the cash into the tab but didn’t take the paper with the girl’s number.

  I patiently waited for him to stow it into his wallet, knowing he was tempted because she was abundantly gorgeous. I was a troll in comparison.

  But Jared didn’t take it. “Ready to go?”

  I eyed the paper then turned my gaze back to him. “I guess.”

  He stood up, leaving the phone number behind.

  “You aren’t going to take that?” I asked.

  “No.” He put his hands in his pockets and glanced around the restaurant.

  “You can take it, Jared. I honestly don’t care. We used to be married—we aren’t anymore.”

  “I don’t want it.” He stared into my eyes as he said it.

  “You’re full of shit,” I said. “She was beautiful.”

  “Not as beautiful as you.” He walked outside and held the door open for me.

  I stared at him suspiciously before I followed him. “Seriously, why aren’t you taking it?”

  “Because I only want you.”

  “But you can’t have me,” I snapped.

  “Obviously,” he said. “But maybe in time…”

  I gave him the darkest look I could muster. “We’re done, Jared. I will never trust you again. You’re wasting your time. So get her number and fuck her later.”

  “The only woman I want to fuck is the woman I love.” He didn’t back down. “I realize the odds of getting you back are extremely slim. I have so much to make up for and I understand that. But if there’s any chance at all I’m not going to mess it up. I’ll prove to you that you can trust me—and I’ll be as patient as you need.”

  Where the hell was this two years ago? “I’m hooked on Conrad, Jared. You don’t stand a chance.”

  “But you won’t always be hooked on him. One day, he’ll be old news. And I’ll be the guy you spent time with during that process. Perhaps you’ll see me differently then.”

  “Jared, I walked in on you while you fucked my sister.”

  His confidence waned slightly. “I was a piece of shit. You won’t hear me say otherwise.”

  “My entire family hates you. You really think I would ever bring you over for another holiday or get-together?”

  He shifted his weight. “Maybe. And I would work hard to earn your family’s forgiveness.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Save your time and find a new girl to start over with, someone who doesn’t know that side of you. Because I sure as hell will never be able to get rid of the image of you thrusting in my sister while you moaned her name.” I turned and walked away, feeling distant tears burn. Even after all this time it still cut me to the bone. I’d always felt ugly in comparison to my sister. And when I saw my husband, the man I loved, fucking her carnally all my insecurities rushed to the surface.

  Jared bowed his head in shame. “I can keep apologizing until you believe me.”

  I blinked the moisture away before I looked at him. “You said I deserve the best. Did you mean it?”

  “Of course.”

  “And you think you’re the best?” I asked incredulously.

  “I am now.”

  “If you really love me, wouldn’t you want me to be with Mr. Perfect? A man who adored me from the beginning and didn’t rip my heart out?”

  He swallowed the lump in his throat. “Of course I do. But I wouldn’t pursue you unless I thought I could give it to you. And I would let you find someone better if I didn’t want you so damn bad.”

  “Why do you want me anyway?” I asked. “I’m exactly the same person I used to be. What’s changed, Jared?”

  “Me,” he whispered. “I’ve opened my eyes for the first time.”

  “Good for you,” I said harshly. “But now my eyes are closed.” I marched away from him, sick of his company for the evening. He couldn’t say pretty things and make me forget the way he hurt me. He couldn’t make me feel anything for him when my whole heart was filled with Conrad’s presence.

  Jared caught up to me, walking beside me in silence.

  I didn’t bother asking him to go. He wouldn’t walk away even if I told him to. So I chose to be silent.

  We returned to my apartment and I stopped in front of the door. “Thanks for the pizza.”

  “Of course.”

  “Well, good night.” I got my key in the door.

  Jared continued to stand there like he expected to come inside.

  “Shoo,” I said with a wave of a hand.

  “Would you really rather be alone?” He gave me a sad look. “I know I make you feel better even if you won’t admit it.”

  “Like a second ago?” I snapped.

  “I’ll drop the argument,” he said. “Let’s watch a movie or something.”

  “Or we can lay down and stare at the ceiling.” It’d recently become my favorite hobby.

  “Whatever you want to do.” He shrugged. “As long as I’m with you.”

  Jared was the last person I expected to be at my beck and call. He was nothing like he used to be when we were married. It was like talking to a different person. I was desperate and alone, and he was offering me something I simply couldn’t refuse. “Okay.”

  Chapter Two

  Conrad

  When would this damn sorrow disappear?

  All I could think about was Lexie. What did she have for dinner? What was she doing right at that moment? Did she miss me? It was totally pathetic. When Beatrice dumped me I was hurt but I didn’t obsess over it.

  My whole world had been turned upside down.

  I sat at my desk in the office, getting sidetracked by looking at pictures of Lexie on my phone. There was one of us at the Yankee game, another of her sleeping beside me in my bed, and a shot of us at Trinity’s wedding. I sighed as I looked through the pictures, noting her soft blonde hair and vibrant eyes.

  “Stop texting and get to work.” Dad approached my desk looking like a threat with his wide shoulders and dark eyes.

  I sighed and put my phone away.

  Dad cocked an eyebrow when I did what he said without argument. “You’re still down?”

  I shrugged. “How long does it take for the pain to go away?” Shouldn’t I be over it by now?

  “Depends.” He put his hands in his pockets. “How in love with her are you?”

  I gave him a glare. “Not at all.”

  “The only person you’re lying to is yourself. And it’ll save you time just to admit it.”

  “I know how I feel.” My teeth ground together.

  Dad finally dropped it. “Want to head to the gym after work?”

  “Your boxing gym?”

  He nodded.

  “Sure.” I had nothing else to do anyway.

  “I got you some new gloves. I think you’ll like them.”

  “You want to go against me today?” I asked with a smug smile.

  “No,” he said seriously. “I don’t want to break my son’s face.”

  I laughed. “I could take you and we both know it.”

  “Then let’s see this afternoon.”

  “You’re on, old man.”

  “I’ll show you who’s old later.” He gave me a meaningful look before he walked out.

  Dad was extremely fit and strong. He was ripped and his body coiled with muscle. Every morning before work, he went for a seven-mile job on the beach. Then after work he headed to the gym and worked out for another hour. In addition to that, all he ate were protein shakes and salads.

  Basically, he needed to get a life.

  Lunchtime came around and I headed to the same place I went every day, the sandwich shop. I didn’t love the food that much, and honestly I was a little sick of it. But every day I hoped I would run into Lexie.

  Y
ep. I’m pathetic.

  As soon as I walked inside, I discreetly glanced around in the hope of seeing that pretty blonde hair and gorgeous legs. When my eyes noticed a beautiful woman in a booth that met my description, my heart kicked into overdrive.

  Lexie sat alone with a notepad beside her. She skimmed it like she was trying to work and eat at the same time.

  I tried to play cool and not get overly excited. I stood in line then ordered my foo. Then I approached her table and tried to be friendly but not too friendly. “Hey, bro.” Hey bro? Why the hell did I say that? I really needed to think before I spoke.

  She looked up at me just before she put another chip in her mouth. “Hey, dude.” She played a long with a smile on her lips.

  “May I join you?” I already put my tray on the table like I intended to eat there.

  “Sure.” She returned her focus to her notebook.

  I sat across from her and bit into my sandwich, my eyes focused on her face. Her soft cheekbones and full lips made me take in a deep breath of longing. Her hair was pulled over one shoulder, looking soft and beautiful. I’d give anything to have her in my bed again, fisting her hair like she belonged to me and only me. “How are you?”

  She turned her gaze on me. “Good. You?” Her voice didn’t falter while she spoke. While she lost some weight, her face still looked healthy and rested. If she was depressed over our breakup it didn’t seem like it. I wondered if it was obvious in my face. Could she tell just by looking at me?

  “Great.” I lied through my teeth. “Anything new with you?” I wished I could take back the question. The last thing I wanted to hear was her seeing someone new. That would make me sick. I would have to storm out and stop the blood coming from my ears.

  “Not really,” she said. “I have the conference in California this weekend. That should be fun.”

  I totally forgot about that in light of our breakup. “Excited?”

  “Yes. And no.”

  I munched on my chips while I watched her.

  “I’m excited to share my research with the world but I also get nervous during public speaking.”

  “Everyone is like that. You aren’t alone.”

  “Do you do a lot of it?”

  “For meetings,” I said, still eating.