I Want Your Love

by E. L. Todd

  “But you shouldn’t have to,” I said. “Cayson and I are getting our dream house. We aren’t greedy people. We don’t need both.”

  “That’s sweet,” Mom whispered.

  “Well, think about it for a while,” Dad said. “There’s no rush.” He turned to Cayson. “What do you think?”

  Cayson shrugged. “It’s not mine. Skye can do whatever she wants with it.”

  “Yes, it is ours,” I said as I looked at him. “We’re getting married. Remember?”

  “We aren’t married yet,” he said. “And that’s your property. Do whatever you want with it.”

  I took a bite out of my bacon and dropped the subject.

  “Can we talk about the wedding now?” Mom said with giddiness. “Have you picked a venue?”

  “Well, we actually wanted to ask you something…” I put my napkin on the table.

  Dad read my mind, like usual. “Of course you can get married here. Please don’t insult us by asking.”

  “We would love to host it,” Mom said. “This place is so beautiful. You couldn’t find anything like this place unless you spent a fortune.”

  Cayson turned to me. “Well, that was easy.”

  I hooked my arm through his. “Thank you. I’ve always wanted to get married here.”

  Cayson kissed my hairline then looked down at my face. He was just as affectionate with me in front of my parents and I didn’t mind in the least. “And I’ve always wanted to marry you.”

  “Awe,” Mom whispered.

  “Cayson was in love with you for so long we feared you would never notice him,” Dad said. “And the day you two finally got together your mother and I knew it would last forever. Thank you for making us very happy.”

  “Cayson is the kind of guy every father dreams of,” I said. “And every woman.”

  Cayson shook his head slightly. “I don’t know where I get this reputation from. I have a dark side, you know.”

  All three of us laughed.

  “I do,” he argued.

  “You have a leather jacket stashed somewhere and a Harley in the shop?” I teased.

  “Hey, I might,” he argued. “I’m not as clean as you think.”

  “You being clean isn’t an insult,” Mom said. “You should be proud, Cayson. When Sean and I fell in love I was so relieved to know a man truly loved me and would always take care of me. Skye has that with you, and I know you’ll always take care of her.”

  Cayson blushed slightly. “I guess it’s not so bad…”

  “So, when is the wedding?” Dad asked. “You can pick any date.”

  “Hmm…” I considered it for a moment. “Late spring would be nice.”

  “That’s only a few months away,” Mom said.

  “Trinity pulled it off,” Dad said. “I’m sure Skye can.”

  “I can do all the planning,” Mom said. “I would love to be involved. That way Skye can relax.”

  “Is that okay?” I turned to Cayson.

  He wasn’t as happy as he was a moment before. In fact, he seemed distant. Something flashed across his eyes but I couldn’t recognize it. “Yeah, sure.” The tone in his voice told me something was off.

  But I decided not to ask him about it in front of my parents.

  ***

  When we entered the apartment, I tossed my purse on the table then turned to Cayson.

  His jaw wasn’t relaxed like it usually was, and his shoulders were stiff and tense. He didn’t look at me even though he knew my gaze bore into his skin. Cayson sauntered away as he rubbed the back of his neck.

  “Cayson?”

  “Hmm?” He sat on the couch and rested his arms on his thighs.

  “What’s on your mind?” I sat beside him but kept my hands to myself.

  “There’s something I need to tell you…I’m not sure how you’re going to feel about it.”

  “Whatever it is, we’ll make it through.” My confidence wasn’t shaken. There would never be a day where Cayson would say there was another woman in his life. There would never be a day where he did something unforgivable. I didn’t have a single fear.

  “You remember that water system I created?”

  “Yeah…”

  “It got approved. They’ll be distributing them to people in need.”

  Both of my eyebrows shot up. “Cayson, that’s great! Why do you sound so sad?”

  He rubbed his hands together. “Because I have to deliver them.”

  I knew that was a possibility. But Cayson and I could handle a few weeks apart. “I think it’s great. It’s something you’ve always wanted to do.”

  “But it’s not that simple,” he said. ‘The trip will last three months.”

  Three months? Ninety days? That was an eternity. And Cayson would be on the other side of the world where I couldn’t reach him. We might be able to Skype but who knows how often or how long.

  I didn’t want him to leave, not for that long. But I couldn’t tell him not to do it. This was important to him and I wouldn’t stand in the way of that. To ask him to stay was selfish. He already gave up medical school for me. I couldn’t ask him to give this up too. “You should go.”

  He turned to me slowly, surprise in his eyes. “Really?”

  “Yes.” I hid the sadness from my voice. “Cayson, this is what you were meant to do. You can’t pass on this opportunity.”

  “But it’s three months…”

  “I know.” It would be hard not to see him every day. If I didn’t see him for a few days I went crazy. “But we’ll manage. I can fly out there to see you.”

  “I don’t think it will be possible. I’ll be in the heart of these countries. There will be no airports nearby. Plus, it’s too dangerous for a beautiful woman like you. I would be worried all the time.”

  “Well, we’ll think of something.”

  He turned away and stared at his hands. “I don’t know, Skye…we’re getting married soon. How can I leave my new wife on a three-month adventure? Or leave for three months before?”

  It wasn’t an appealing idea. “Do whatever you want, Cayson. If you want to go, please go. But if you want to stay, I support that too. Someone else can go and deliver the equipment.”

  “That’s the thing…either I go or the project is done.”

  I stared at the side of his face.

  “I know the equipment best and how to explain how to use it to the people. I don’t cost extra money, and this project was something I stuck my neck out for. My boss told me I go, or no one goes.”

  “So…these people won’t get clean water if you stay?”

  He nodded.

  Then we didn’t have a choice. “Then you have to go.”

  He closed his eyes for a moment. “I promised myself I would always put my family before the rest of the world. But now that I’m faced with that decision…it’s hard.”

  “Cayson.” I rested my hand on his. “It’s only for three months. We can manage that. Or will you be making these trips often?”

  He shook his head. “No. They’ll assess the effectiveness then send out more teams if necessary.”

  “Then we can handle it.”

  “Are you sure?” He turned to me with fear in his eyes. “I can’t lose you again. I won’t do it.”

  “You can never lose me, Cayson. This is totally different than it was last time. Remember, there are more important things than you and I. Those people need you. You would never forgive yourself if you put me first.”

  He closed his eyes for a long time.

  “I’m making this decision for you. You’re going.”

  He opened his eyes and stared at me. “This is what you really want?”

  No, it wasn’t. But I knew from the beginning that Cayson was an extraordinary person. I wouldn’t always be able to keep him to myself. It would be a crime to hoard him and not share him with the rest of the world. His compassion and intelligence was what we needed. “Yes.”

  Chapter Eighteen

  Arsen


  Everything moved in slow motion. The tragedy seemed to freeze time. It took me a lot longer to process conversations and actions. I was numb, unable to feel anything but somehow absorb the shock.

  Packing up Abby’s things was difficult. She didn’t have a lot of possessions but removing them from her childhood room was depressing. She’d spent her whole life sleeping in there, her mother down the hall. Now her mother would never tuck her in at night again.

  Abby lay on the couch, fast asleep. She cried her heart out until she knocked herself out. It was easier for me anyway. How did I comfort a six-year-old when she didn’t completely understand the situation?

  I was officially a single parent and that scared me. I had to provide the love and foundation of two parents. When I had Abby alone I never struggled, but knowing Lydia was just a phone call away gave me comfort. But now she wasn’t there. I had to make all these decisions on my own. What if I made the wrong one?

  I packed all her things into a few bags then carried them into the living room. There was too much to carry in a single trip so I would have to go back and forth a few times. Abby didn’t need everything right away so it would be fine.

  I approached the couch and looked down at her as she slept. She was too innocent to deal with this kind of pain. Both of my parents voluntarily left me, and that scarred me so deep I couldn’t accept love from anyone.

  Would the same thing happen to Abby?

  My phone vibrated and I saw a text from Silke. Where’s my hunky man at?

  I was too depressed to smile. I’m caught up in some stuff right now. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I didn’t want to tell her about Lydia through a text message. And I didn’t want to talk about Lydia when Abby might hear me.

  What’s wrong? Silke knew me so well.

  Everything is fine. I’ll talk to you tomorrow. I shoved my phone into my pocket and didn’t look at it again. I felt a vibration the moment I tucked it away but I was too upset to take it out again.

  I picked up Abby from the couch and held her against my chest. Then I grabbed a few bags and left the empty apartment where Lydia’s presence still vibrated in the walls.

  ***

  I tucked Abby into bed then ran my fingers through her hair. Her eyes were slightly opened, and she focused them on my face. She watched me for a long time, her breathing deep and even.

  I stared at my daughter without knowing what to say. The only thing I could do for her was sit by her side. I knew what it was like to lose a mother, even at a young age. I understood her pain even if she didn’t completely understand it.

  “I don’t want you to go…”

  My hand rested on her head. “I’m never going anywhere, sweetheart.”

  Her tiny hand grabbed mine. “What if I wake up and you’re gone?”

  “That’ll never happen.”

  A knock on the door broke our conversation.

  Abby stared at me with sadness in her eyes.

  “I’ll be right back, okay?”

  “Okay…”

  I kissed her forehead then headed to the entryway. After checking the peephole I saw Silke on the other side. It was unlike her just to drop by, especially when I made it clear I wanted to be alone.

  I opened the door and saw the worried expression on her face. Now I felt terrible for keeping her in the dark.

  “Arsen, what’s wrong?” She moved close to me, her face just inches from mine.

  “I’m okay.”

  “Then why are you being so distant?”

  I peeked my head into the apartment and didn’t see Abby out of her room. I shut the door and lowered my voice. “I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to say anything in front of Abby.”

  “Abby is with you?”

  “Yeah…”

  “What’s wrong?” Now Silke seemed more afraid. Abby was only with me on the weekends.

  I didn’t know how to say this. Telling Abby was hard, and it should be easier to tell Silke. But it wasn’t… “Lydia passed away. She was in a car accident. She died on impact.”

  Silke didn’t react at all. She stared at me blankly, clearly unable to process what I said. Her mouth was slightly open and her eyes darted back and forth in panic. Finally, she spoke. “What…?”

  I bowed my head. “It’s a lot to take in. I know.”

  “But…when?”

  “Earlier today. I just brought Abby home a few minutes ago.”

  “Abby…” She covered her mouth and her eyes watered. “No…”

  I closed my eyes for a moment. “I know…”

  “That poor little girl.” She sniffed then wiped her tears away. “This is terrible.”

  “I know.” I couldn’t think of anything to say. I’d been numb for a while.

  “Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “I didn’t have a chance…I didn’t want to say anything around Abby.”

  “She doesn’t know?”

  “No, I told her.” Just thinking about it made me want to cry. “But it wasn’t easy.”

  Silke gave me a look full of sympathy. “Did…she understand?”

  I nodded. “I think so. At least she understands she’ll never see her mother again.”

  “It’s just not right,” she said quietly.

  “I know. But she has me.” I just hoped I was up for the challenge. Being a single father was never easy. I always had Lydia for support but now she was gone.

  Silke moved into my chest then held me close. Her hand moved through the back of my hair and she rested her face against my chest. I felt a little better when she held me like this but she could never chase the pain away. My daughter didn’t have a mother, and nothing could change that.

  “Can I sleep with you tonight?” she asked.

  I would love that. “I think it should just be Abby and I tonight…”

  Silke nodded. “You’re right. That’s probably best.”

  I stared at her and didn’t know what else to say. “I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Arsen, you know I’m here if you need anything.”

  I cupped her cheek and kissed her on the lips. “I know, baby.”

  ***

  I took Abby to school the following morning. After the horrific tragedy that just happened, I thought it was best to keep her in school. Her friends would keep her distracted, and her teachers would keep an eye on her. Staying at home with her would just make her feel out of place.

  Now that she was permanently living with me, it had changed her life, which caused more stress. I had to keep her school schedule the same so there would be some form of normalcy. Even though I wanted to stay home with her and protect her from the world, I knew what was best for her.

  I went to work because I couldn’t sit at home and sulk forever. Staying on my feet and running my business was the best move. While invoices, paystubs, and phone calls weren’t exactly thrilling, it was better than thinking about Lydia’s death.

  When ten o’clock came around, there was a knock on my office door. “Come in.”

  Ryan stepped inside, and he didn’t have a cheerful smile on his face. His body was tense and rigid. And his eyes looked like all the light had evaporated from their depths.

  He knew.

  Ryan approached my desk slowly, watching me carefully. He examined me like I was virgin skin before it was inked. He didn’t make his actions discreet.

  I dropped my pen on the desk and sighed.

  Ryan continued to stand there. “You okay?”

  “I’ve been better,” I said quietly.

  He came around the desk. “Get up.”

  His direct command was unusual at such a serious time. I stood up and met his gaze, automatically putting my hands in my pockets.

  He pulled me into his chest and hugged me. He gripped me like a father grips a son. His hand rested on the area between my shoulder blades and it didn’t seem like he had any intention of letting me go.

  When I looked at Ryan, I saw a father. I didn’t even remember what my re
al dad looked like. All I knew was he had brown hair and a belly. The rest of his features blurred in the background. When I imagined him, he didn’t really have a face.

  Ryan was the only father figure I’ve ever had. He looked after me like I was his own son, and he even gave me the same look he gave to his own children. When he was proud of me, he told me so. And when I needed to improve, he criticized me. More importantly, he never gave up on me. With him, I felt truly loved. Even if Silke and I didn’t work out he would still be there for me and treat me exactly the same.

  He patted the back of my head. “It’ll be alright, Arsen. I know you’re hurt and scared but you aren’t alone. You have all of us to help you through it.”

  I rested my head on his shoulder and allowed myself to be weak. “Abby doesn’t deserve this.”

  “I know she doesn’t, son.” He rubbed my back. “But we’ll make it through—like we always do.”

  “I’m scared.” I took a deep breath and felt my emotions break through. “I don’t know if I can do this…”

  He pulled away and looked me in the eye. “You’ve been doing it this whole time.”

  “But now Lydia is gone…it’s just me.”

  “And me. And Janice. And Silke. And Slade. You aren’t alone.”

  “What if I mess up?” I asked. “All she has is a father, and what if I screw it up? Lydia was always there to walk me through things. Whenever I had a question, she had the answer. She’s known Abby for six years. I’ve only had Abby for over a year. How can I do this?”

  He moved his hand to my shoulder. “Arsen, calm down. You’re a great father.”

  “But I only have her every other weekend. This is totally different.”

  “Just keep doing what you’re doing. When something new comes up, you’ll figure it out. I’ve raised three amazing kids. You always got me for advice.”

  The fact he said he had three kids instead of two warmed my heart.

  “Arsen, you’ve been doing a great job. Just take it one step at a time.”

  “But Abby lost her mother…how do I help her with that? I lost my own mom and look what happened to me.”

  He regarded me seriously. “You turned out amazing.”

  “I wasn’t always amazing…”