Past Remembering

by Lyn Denison

  “People, sometimes the nicest people, can’t cope with the thought of homosexuality. I’m scared, Chelle, because I couldn’t bear it if Mum—” Asha swallowed convulsively.

  “Ash, come on. Mum would be the first to tell you your life is yours to live as you choose. She just wants you to be happy. If that means you want to shack up with a woman, so be it.”

  “Shack up?” Asha blew a raspberry. “You young people are such absolute romantics, aren’t you?”

  Michelle laughed and then sobered. “Have you considered Mum might feel hurt you haven’t shared something so important with her?”

  Asha was silent as she gave her sister’s point some thought. “Were you?”

  “What? Hurt? No. Okay, maybe just a bit. But I can understand why you haven’t told me.” Michelle sighed loudly. “You sure know how to complicate life, Ash. But seriously, do you think you’ll tell Mum?”

  “I want to.” Asha thought again of Peri. “When the time’s right. So don’t say anything, Chelle, please.”

  “As if. It’s your story, as they say.”

  “Thanks. I guess I’d better go. I have some work I need to do on Vivienne’s book before I come over for lunch.”

  “Right. It’ll be good to see you. Especially as I want to satisfy myself you haven’t grown two heads since you told me you were a lesbian. See ya.”

  Asha was left with the sound of her sister’s teasing laughter.

  After she’d piled the second copy of the transcript of the second journal on the desk, Asha sat and looked at it, experiencing again a wonder that she could be part of what was such a wonderful and interesting life. She felt so close to Georgie Chaseley, and the thought of his love for his Margaret and their life together brought a lump to her throat. Vivienne was fortunate to have such a colorful story to add to the history of the family.

  Glancing at the time, she secured the second copy with a clip, found Vivienne and gave the pages to her for Grace Moyland. Of course, Vivienne was full of questions about Asha’s evening with Jack, and Asha fielded her questions as best she could. Asha gave her a quick rundown on the night and then explained she was having lunch with her mother. Leaving Vivienne to put the copies of the journals into an envelope for Grace, Asha hurried to her room to change. She slipped on a pair of tailored shorts and a dress T-shirt and headed out to her car. A little over half an hour later she pulled into the drive of her stepmother’s house.

  “It’s so good to see you, love,” said Laura West, greeting Asha with a warm hug and a kiss. “You look wonderful.”

  “Thanks, Mum. So you do.” And Asha knew it was true. Her stepmother was an attractive woman in her own right and certainly didn’t look her forty-eight years. There was no gray in her fairish hair, and her daily walks kept her fit and healthy. Had she wanted to remarry in the nine years since her divorce, she wouldn’t have had any difficulty finding a new husband.

  It was strange, Asha reflected, how you never recognized your parents as sexual beings. Yet Asha could see that men would find her stepmother attractive.

  “So, how is my other television star?” her stepmother said as she added some grape tomatoes to the tossed salad she was making.

  Asha leaned on the table and grimaced. “I haven’t had the pleasure of seeing it yet. I did see the camera crews last night, but I didn’t realize they were trained on Michelle and me. Dad’s supposed to be the famous one.”

  Laura laughed. “Maybe so, but when he has two beautiful daughters like you and Michelle, who can blame them? And you did look beautiful. Both my girls did.”

  “I thought I heard you drive in,” said Michelle, joining them in the kitchen. “Both your girls did what, Mum?”

  “I was telling Asha how great you both looked on TV this morning.”

  Michelle wrinkled her nose. “I guess I looked okay, but Asha’s the photogenic one.”

  “Oh, sure.” Asha chuckled. “The face that launched a thousand ships.”

  Michelle joined in her laughter and then gave her sister a piercing look. “And you look particularly, I don’t know, sort of really happy or something.”

  Thoughts of Peri Moyland sent aftershocks of desire washing over Asha, and she felt herself flush.

  Michelle pointed then wriggled her finger at Asha, and Asha’s flush deepened as she thought about her earlier conversation with her sister. “And now you’re blushing. What could that mean? Let’s see. If we were in the middle of a trashy romance, we’d all be thinking it was l-o-o-v-e.” She drew out the syllables.

  Asha raised her hands and let them fall. “My sister the drama queen.”

  Laura smiled and picked up the salad, shooing them before her into the dining room, but not before she’d also given Asha a piercing look.

  They sat down to eat, passing salads and laughing together as Michelle told their mother some outrageous anecdotes from the evening before. As they carried their cups back into the living room after clearing away the meal, a car gave two short beeps outside.

  Michelle set her teacup aside. “That’ll be Danny. He’s taking me to the movies before he goes to training. I’ll leave you and Asha to some quality time, Mum. See you, Ash,” she said looking pointedly from her sister to her mother. And then she was gone.

  Asha swallowed and made a show of stirring her tea.

  “This is nice. It will give us some time together,” her mother said as they heard the car drive away.

  “Mmmm.” Asha sipped her tea.

  “I’m glad you both enjoyed the dinner last night. Your father rang me this morning to tell me about the award and to say how much it meant to him to have you both there.”

  “It was a good evening,” Asha conceded. “Dad was a little overwhelmed I think.”

  “He deserved that award. He gave a lot of years to the game of cricket.” Laura paused. “He was also quite taken with your young man.”

  “He’s just a friend, Mum,” Asha began, wishing she could change the direction of the conversation.

  “Michelle says he’s a lawyer. He’s very handsome, too. Have you known him long?”

  “Not long,” Asha said carefully, wondering how she was going to handle what she wanted to say.

  Her stepmother laughed softly. “I can hear Michelle saying, ‘here comes the inquisition.’”

  Asha laughed, too, if somewhat nervously. “I suppose we did look like a couple, but we’re not. Actually, I’ve only just met him,” she declared as casually as she could.

  “I understand. There’s no rush. It’s sensible to get to know each other before you start getting serious,” Laura said lightly.

  “Yes. That’s sensible.” Asha could feel her heartbeats rising to choke her, and she swallowed again. “Mum. About that. Jack and me.” She drew a calming breath.

  Her stepmother set her teacup down on its saucer. “I don’t mean to pry, love. I know you’re more than old enough to make your own way in life, and I’d hate you to think I was interfering, but I’d just like to see you meet someone nice, fall in love, have someone special to share your life.”

  Asha thought about Peri, saw her eyes filled with passion, felt the softness of her lips. She looked down at her hands where they rested on her knees. “Actually, I think I have, Mum. I think I’ve fallen in love.”

  Laura beamed. “You have? Asha, that’s wonderful. And he did look so nice.”

  Asha looked at her mother in surprise. She’d momentarily forgotten Jack Moyland. “Oh, not with Jack.”

  Laura looked at Asha in surprise.

  “Although Jack’s a really nice guy. I mean, I’m in love with someone else.”

  “And does he feel the same about you?” Laura asked.

  “I don’t know.” Asha smiled crookedly. “I desperately hope so, but—”

  “And he couldn’t go with you to the dinner last night?” Her stepmother waited patiently for Asha to continue.

  “Um, no.” Asha took a steadying breath. “Mum, you know I’ve always been, well, differ
ent. From everyone else, I mean. Growing up.”

  “You weren’t different,” Laura said. “You were perhaps a little shy.”

  “No. I mean I didn’t go out much. With guys.”

  A dull flush colored Asha’s stepmother’s cheeks, and Asha rushed on before she lost her nerve.

  “It never felt right to me, Mum. With guys. Not like it did with women.” There! She’d said it. Allowed the words to be released after keeping them imprisoned for so long.

  The silence in the room grew. Asha felt as though it was moving around her, pressing in on her. She glanced at her stepmother and took in the frozen expression on her face.

  “What I’m trying to say, Mum, is that I’m a lesbian.” The word echoed in the quiet room.

  Laura’s hand fluttered to her mouth. “A lesbian?” she whispered. “Oh, Asha, no. No.” She shook her head.

  “I haven’t told you before because I didn’t want to upset you.” Asha swallowed again. “But I can’t go on pretending.”

  There was silence again.

  “Do you hate me?” Asha asked hollowly, standing up.

  Her stepmother looked up and shook her head. “Hate you? No, Asha, I could never do that.” She stood up then, held out her arms, and Asha dissolved into them. “I love you,” Laura murmured soothingly into Asha’s hair.

  They both began to cry, clinging to each other. When they drew apart, Asha wiped her eyes with the back of her hand. Laura reached for tissues from the box on the coffee table and passed one to Asha.

  “I thought, when you didn’t say anything, that you were disgusted or something.” Asha blew her nose.

  “No. No. I just … I was just a little shocked. And concerned. Life can be so difficult under so-called accepted circumstances. To be different is so much harder. I could see all that before you.”

  “It’s just that I couldn’t let myself acknowledge it for such a long time. Then I met Tessa and, she made me see it was right for me.”

  “Tessa?” Laura repeated. “Oh, Asha.”

  “I was in love with her. Or I thought I was. I let myself confuse how I felt about her, all that she offered”—Asha flushed and looked away—“with love. I know now what a mistake I made. She said she loved me, too, but she, well, she didn’t. That’s partly why I came home,” she finished thickly.

  Laura took her hand and led her to sit beside her on the sofa. “I’m sorry, Asha. And you still love her?”

  “No.” Asha shook her head. “It was over a long time ago. I just wouldn’t let it go. She was my—It was the first time.” She sighed and looked at her stepmother. “I know you and Michelle didn’t like her, but in the beginning, we did have some good times together.”

  “I did have reservations,” Laura said carefully. “I thought she was a little superficial.”

  Asha gave a crooked smile. “That’s diplomatic.”

  “All right, I thought she was very superficial.”

  Asha laughed then. “Michelle wasn’t quite as restrained.”

  “Michelle knows? About all this?”

  “Yes. I told her this morning.” Asha shook her head. “She said she knew already.”

  “She did? She never breathed a word. Although when I’d say I wished you’d find a nice young man, she told me you’d sort yourself out when you were ready.” Laura sighed. “Young people are so much more aware than we ever were at that age.”

  “So you knew all about lesbians when you were Chelle’s age?” Asha asked lightly.

  Her stepmother’s face suffused with color, and she looked uncharacteristically flustered. “Of course we knew,” she said quickly and Asha squeezed her hand.

  “I was just teasing, Mum,” Asha reassured her. “Would you prefer it if we didn’t talk about it? I mean, it must be a shock and I’ll understand if you want some time to get used to the idea.”

  “No, Asha. You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m just worried about you. Do you realize what it will be like having to hide away, not let the world know your feelings, be made to feel like a freak? And there are hurtful people, Asha. Bigoted, intolerant people who could physically harm you.”

  “Mum, it’s not that bad. And try not to worry about me. I know what you’re saying is true, but I don’t want to live a life that’s a lie. Can you understand that?”

  Laura nodded reluctantly, lifted Asha’s hand and kissed it before releasing it. “You always were a seriously courageous little girl.” She smiled. “It appears you’ve not changed in that respect.”

  “I just don’t want you to worry about me, Mum.”

  “It’s my job to do that. But I’ll try not to. You haven’t told your father, have you?”

  Asha shook her head. “No. But I guess I should. How do you think he’ll react?”

  “He’ll get over it. He’ll have to because he thinks you hung the stars and the moon.”

  “Oh, sure.” Asha laughed.

  “He does. But you should tell him soon. I think he’s under the misapprehension you and that young man last night are a couple. He seemed very impressed by him.”

  Asha bit her lip again. “Jack is impressive. The truth is I wanted to ask someone else.” Asha paused. “His sister.”

  “Oh, Asha. I hope this Jack knows that.”

  “Yes, he knows. About my being a lesbian. I told him last night.” She shook her head. “And he knows about Peri. That’s his sister. He was okay with it. I told you he was a nice guy. And besides, he all but hero-worships Dad,” she added with a laugh.

  Laura rolled her eyes. “Doesn’t everybody do that?”

  Asha looked at her mother, wondering if she was more upset about the breakup with her father than she was admitting to. She was trying to formulate the question when her stepmother sighed.

  “It’s all right, love. I don’t begrudge your father his life with Karen. Karen’s the sort of woman he always should have married.”

  “He still cheated on you,” Asha exclaimed.

  “I wasn’t exactly the best wife.” Laura shook her head. “I think I was more swayed by being your mother than by being a wife.” She swallowed. “I so wanted a family. Your father made that possible, and I’ll be forever grateful to him for you and Michelle. Anyway”—she patted Asha’s knee—“tell me about Jack and his sister.”

  “Well, they’re sort of relatives of the family where I’m staying.”

  “Sort of relatives?” Laura repeated in surprise.

  “I guess you’d say relatives by marriage, according to my research. And I found these wonderful old journals about the family and Queensland from the 1870s to the late 1890s. It was so fascinating. Vivienne’s ecstatic.”

  “Vivienne?” Laura said after a moment, and something in her voice made Asha pause before continuing.

  “Yes. She’s the woman who’s commissioned me to do the history of her husband’s family. Finding the journals has made my job so much easier. They were in a beautiful wooden box, quite large, and it used to be a music box. The books were in a false bottom.”

  “Hidden?”

  Asha frowned. “Yes. Although I’m not sure why. You see, Jack and Peri’s great-great-grandmother was a widow who married the writer of the journals. He was one of the two Chaseley brothers who came out to Australia from England in 1870.”

  “Chaseley?” Laura said thickly and Asha noticed her mother’s face had suddenly paled.

  “Yes. Richard and George Chaseley.”

  Laura was silent.

  “Mum? What is it?”

  “Nothing.” She moved her hand agitatedly. Her fingers going to her throat, she began to worry the collar of her blouse. “I just didn’t realize. We haven’t spoken. I didn’t know anything about your research.”

  “I did leave the Chaseley’s phone number and address with Michelle.”

  “She must have forgotten to tell me.”

  “The house is magnificent, and I have a sort of self-contained room. I work in Vivienne’s husband’s study. Vivienne was marr
ied to Richard’s grandson, also called Richard.”

  “Dickie,” her stepmother said hoarsely.

  Asha stared at her. “You know the Chaseleys?”

  Chapter Ten

  Laura’s fingers fidgeted with her collar again and then finally she nodded. “Do they know?” She shook her head. “No. They wouldn’t. The name West would mean nothing to them.”

  “Mum! What’s going on?” Asha asked, unable to comprehend what her stepmother was saying.

  “I can’t—” She drew a steadying breath before continuing. “I worked for the Chaseleys a long time ago. Before I met your father. When I left—Asha, you haven’t told them who you are, have you? Or who I am?”

  Asha shook her head. “I don’t understand. Vivienne knows I’m Sean West’s daughter, that I have a stepmother and a sister.”

  “You mustn’t tell them about me, Asha. I want your promise you’ll never mention my name,” Laura said urgently.

  “But why? I mean why would I? And why wouldn’t you want them to know I was connected to you?”

  “I told you I left suddenly, and I don’t want them to know where I am.”

  “Mum, you’re scaring me.” Asha frowned. “What could you possibly be hiding from the Chaseleys? Unless … My God! Did you steal from them?”

  “Of course not. I just don’t want to talk about it. Let’s leave it, Asha.”

  “Mum, you can’t leave it like this,” Asha said. “How did you come to work for the Chaseleys in the first place?”

  Laura sighed. “I was Viv’s secretary. She did a lot of charity work and she needed an assistant, someone to do office work.” Laura sank onto the edge of the lounge chair and Asha sat down, too. “My parents had just died within months of each other, and I’d given up my job to look after them when they were ill. When everything was settled and the debts paid, I was almost destitute. I needed work quickly, and the lawyer who handled my parents’ estate suggested me to Viv for the job as her assistant. He was a relative of the Chaseleys. Joe Moyland.”

  “Moyland?” Asha was taken aback. “That’s Peri’s and Jack’s name. It must have been their father.”

  Laura stood up again then walked over to the window. “I worked there, and lived there, for over a year.”