Embers & Ice (Rouge)

by Isabella Modra

  All it took was one phone call to his grandmother in Chicago. Joshua didn’t know, and that didn’t matter. Sure, Eli was risking his identity and his safety by leaving the hotel, but he couldn’t pass through the city without at least trying to get in contact with the mother that abandoned him nine years ago. Even just to see her face, to ask her why she left.

  His fears grew from hills to mountains as the taxi cab pulled up in front of a simple suburban house. The setting sun made the white walls glow brightly and the chime hanging by the front door jingled in the breeze. Eli didn’t move from his seat and the meter continued to go up.

  Mom is right there, he thought. Just a few steps away. What if she closes the door in my face? What if she refuses to see me? What if she isn’t home?

  All his life, he dreamed of that moment. But it all seemed too good to be true.

  “This is the house, kid,” grumbled the driver. “You gonna get out or what?”

  Eli frowned at him. “Are you sure?”

  “Been a cab driver in this city for thirty-two years,” he replied. “Trust me, I know these streets. That’ll be twenty-seven fifty.”

  In a daze, Eli handed over the cash and stepped out of the cab. He stood on the sidewalk between two crab-apple trees for what felt like hours. He soon found the courage to force his legs to the front door and knock. He’d come this far. Might as well get his answers.

  There were running footsteps to the door and Eli felt his heart leap into his chest. The door opened to no one. Frowning, Eli looked down and saw a small girl of about five wearing a blue princess dress and her blond hair in pig-tails. She peered up at him from behind the door.

  Eli couldn’t find his voice. I definitely have the wrong address.

  “Are you the mail man?” the little girl asked.

  Eli started to back away. “Uh… I…”

  “Sia, honey, who–”

  A man appeared in the doorway. He was tall with sandy-blond hair tucked behind his ears. He had chiseled features and a serious country vibe. As he smiled at Eli, he swung the little girl up into his arms and rested her on his hip.

  “Can I help you?”

  “I’m… I’m sorry,” he stuttered. “I think I have the wrong address.”

  “You’re looking for the old Andersons, right?” The man stepped outside quickly, causing Eli to back up against the porch banister. For some reason, he feared the man was about to punch him. “They’re down at number twenty-five. Everyone gets us mixed up. I’m Dean Anderson, by the way.”

  Mom can’t be living here. “Yeah, I definitely have the wrong address. I’m looking for a Mary Akerman.”

  “Mary?” he frowned. “That’s my wife. She’s upstairs.”

  Eli suddenly wanted to keel over and die. He gripped the banister for support and Dean rushed forward to help him.

  “Woah, are you okay there Bud?”

  “She’s here?” he croaked out. “Mary’s here?”

  “Yeah. She’s working in the study. Wait… who are you?”

  Eli looked up at Dean – his Stepdad – and blurted out, “I’m her son.”

  “Mary!” Dean called from the front door.

  “What?” came the reply that flipped Eli’s stomach over. He couldn’t turn back now – she was already coming.

  “There’s someone here to see you!”

  “Who is it?” Her voice hadn’t changed. Still melodic and silky. It blasted him with memories of his childhood, of when his mother used to sing him to sleep at night or read to him or encourage him to play the violin. He had barely enough time to prepare himself before she appeared in the doorway beside her husband.

  She wore a smart pantsuit with an electric-blue blouse underneath. Work clothes, he presumed. She looked immaculate with her hair twisted up into a bun on her head. They made a very attractive couple.

  It had been nine years, but she still knew him. Her green eyes, identical to his, widened. He stood frozen in her gaze, his shoulders shaking and tears brimming in his eyes.

  “Hey Mom,” he muttered.

  Her breath caught in her throat. “Eli? What are you doing here?”

  He shrugged. “I uh… I was in the neighborhood. So, what happened to you not wanting to live in a city again, huh?”

  She sniffed and glanced up at Dean. “Things change when you fall in love.”

  “Yeah. I noticed.”

  At that, Mary squeezed between her husband and the doorframe and wrapped her arms around Eli’s neck. He melted into the embrace. His heart beat with happiness like charged electrons, the feeling of finally being home taking away all his fears. She still smelled like jasmine. Eli clung to her and never wanted to let go.

  “I’m so glad to see you Eli,” she said and stepped aside. “Join us for dinner?”

  “Oh, that reminds me–” Dean dropped Sia gently and ran into the kitchen. “The pizza is probably burnt!”

  Eli felt strange as he entered his mother’s home. He walked by the walls filled with photos and memories that were not at all familiar to him. This was the life he could have had with his mother if she had only taken him with her. Instead, he was stuck with a father who had no time for homemade pizza.

  They sat down at the island in the bright kitchen.

  The smell was overwhelming. Sia sat low and colored in while Dean sliced the pizzas.

  Eli kept glancing at his mother, wondering if she was real.

  “How did you two meet?” he asked.

  “At a conference a few years ago,” she said. “I got an internship at a publishing house, and Dean was a writer. We were married a year later.”

  “And is… is she yours?” Eli nodded at Sia, who had dribbled juice all down her dress.

  “Not technically,” she replied. “Dean’s first wife died when Sia was a baby.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “It’s okay,” said Dean with a smile at Mary. “Sia is lucky to have this beautiful woman as her new mother.”

  Mary squeezed his hand, but it made Eli feel sick.

  “Why didn’t you call? Or email? Or explain to me why you left me with Dad? Was it just too hard to make the effort to see your own son, even if you couldn’t stand to be around Dad?”

  “I… I’m sorry Eli. My life with your father did not turn out at all like I planned. I rushed into marriage because it was so glamorous. I was young and naïve and I didn’t have a plan for my life. I fell pregnant with you, and I couldn’t get myself out fast enough. I fell into depression when you were young. Harvey became more and more business focused with the company making millions, and… it just came to a point when I knew I needed to start my life again.” Dean rubbed her back soothingly as she spoke. “I wanted to take you with me, but I was afraid Harvey would want to share custody and I just… I couldn’t see him again.”

  Eli snorted. “That’s a joke. Dad would have given anything to ship me off to boarding school, given the chance. He was never a good father to me.”

  “Oh sweetie, no. Your father loved you more than anything. More than his job, more than me. You were the best thing that ever happened to him.”

  Feeling as though someone had gripped his heart tight, Eli couldn’t finish his pizza. His father hated him. He ignored him, he pressured him, he tried to make him a businessman and force his life down a path Eli couldn’t bear to think about, let alone live.

  “He had a shit way of showing it,” Eli grumbled. Dean and Mary glanced at Sia, who was completely oblivious of the cursing going on around her.

  “Maybe… maybe he didn’t know how to be a father alone. Despite being a confident billionaire, Harvey was never good at relationships. He turned to his work to escape the pressure. I can imagine that’s what happened to… to you…”

  Mary started sobbing. Dean pulled her into his arms, giving Eli a look that said ‘you should probably let it go now’. But Eli wanted more. He was finally discovering the truth behind his lonely life, and he wanted some sort of payback for the years he spent in
his father’s shadow, tied down instead of free.

  “Eli if… if there was a way I could take it all back, I w–”

  “Too late,” he grumbled. “You made your choice years ago.”

  “Yes,” she said. “And now I’m pregnant.”

  Eli slipped off his chair weightlessly. Everything felt suddenly wrong. The fact that she was pregnant made it official: There was no room in her life for him. She had moved on completely.

  He backed away from his mother, wishing he’d never come. Wishing he’d never met Dean or Sia or walked into their perfect life in their perfect house. It was completely wrong, and he wanted no part in it.

  “Eli–”

  “I’m leaving. This was a mistake,” he said through his teeth. What did you expect, a happy reunion? The voice in his mind was like a stab through his chest, but it was right. Your mother moved on the moment she moved out. You’re too late for things to go back to the way they used to be. She left you for a different life. A better life.

  “Please, Eli, can we just talk some more?” Mary left her chair and started towards him. Eli was frozen in her hypnotizing gaze. His heart ached to be a part of their home and forget the past nine years, just like he’d forgotten the past ten months. “Sweetie, please?” She trailed a finger down his cheek. Eli melted at her touch. “Please forgive me.”

  The urge to nod and hug his mother and cry with her and forget was stronger than ever. Eli had grown up learning to please people, to not speak his own mind but to do what’s right and expected of him. His father taught him that. Respect, Son, that’s what gets you places. You shut your mouth and give people what they want. He had been weak from that moment on. He let Benny Layman bully him, let his father drag him to business meeting after business meeting. Eli couldn’t remember the last year, but he was sure it had been exactly the same, even with that Hunter girl.

  But now, it was time to change. This was his chance to turn his life around and live it the way he wanted to. As much as he longed for a mother, he was not going to take the easy road.

  Suddenly, words he couldn’t remember reading popped into his mind. The greater our ignorance to something, the greater our resistance to change. Forgetting what his mother put him through was like sweeping it under the rug, when he could be walking away. And sometimes, even with the ones you love, you have to walk away. Walk away and live your life and find love somewhere else.

  So Eli gently lifted his mother’s hands from his shoulders, gave Dean a nod and said his goodbyes. His mother stood by silently, tears dripping down her cheeks, her eyes longing for him. Years ago he would have killed to see that look on her face. He would have stayed without a doubt. But things were different now. And thanks to Joshua, so was his mind.

  But his heart would never change, and as he left his mother’s cozy suburban house, he left a piece of him with her. It belonged to her all along.

  TWENTY-FIVE

  “I’M GOING TO MURDER HIM!”

  “Joshua calm down.” Jenny sat on the edge of the stiff bed in their hotel room, watching Joshua storm around and drop icicles on the carpet. “He’s not running away, he’s just getting some fresh air. What do you expect, he’s been sitting in a car all day and now he has to sit in a hotel room.”

  “I told him,” Joshua growled, “not to leave my sight. And you were distracting me, weren’t you?”

  “What? I didn’t-”

  “You two planned this, didn’t you?” He marched over to her and snatched the collar of her sweater. She fell back on the bed, frozen in shock. “Didn’t you!”

  Jenny had never seen Joshua so furious, his pale eyes hard and menacing, his fingers shooting cold vibes through her chest as he gripped her tight. But she knew the ice inside his heart was only abusing his anger, using Eli as an excuse to release rage. She’d spent enough time with him to know that much.

  “Let me go Joshua,” she said slowly. “Please.”

  His eyes flinched, looking back and forth between hers, the room so silent she could hear the cars in the street twenty floors down. Then he unclenched his fingers and Jenny flopped on the mattress.

  “I’m sorry. I… I just can’t do this.” He ran a hand through his slick black hair. “I can’t worry about Hunter and worry about him too.”

  Jenny didn’t know quite what to say. Yes, Joshua was over reacting. Eli had been gone for only an hour now, and Joshua freaked out as though he should call the authorities. Jenny knew Eli only wanted to get away from the both of them, to explore after being cooped up in a laboratory like a prisoner. The hotel they’d stopped in smelt terrible, and it made her nervous to sleep in her bed, so to be honest, Jenny didn’t blame him for running away.

  But after nearly being killed by the Agents, she didn’t want to leave Joshua’s side for even a second. Perhaps she just wasn’t as brave.

  “Worrying about Hunter doesn’t bring her back,” she finally said, “and Eli can take care of himself.”

  “You don’t get it. It’s been me and her since the beginning. I’ve fought to protect Hunter since the day I promised her mother I would, and now she’s gone and I’m stuck with you two. I just don’t know how to… how to be.”

  Jenny nodded, even though she wasn’t sure what he meant. But she could see the strain in his eyes. She knew even before he admitted it that Hunter meant the world to Joshua and every day she was out there in the unknown killed him a little more inside. Her heart ached for him, and she wanted to find Hunter just as much as he did. But there was nothing they could do.

  “Joshua listen to me.” She stood up and walked to him as he leant on the small refrigerator. “I know you want to find Hunter. But there are more important things to do first, like fix your mistakes. Eli needs his memory back. If Hunter finds out what you did, she’ll hate you even more.”

  “No. She thinks he’s dead, Jenny. She’ll forgive me once she knows what really happened.”

  Jenny longed to put a hand on Joshua’s shoulder, to comfort him, but she wasn’t sure he was ready for that. “Forgiveness is a difficult and fragile thing. It takes time. If she and Eli are reunited and he actually remembers who he is and what they shared together, then there’s a chance she will forgive you. But it will traumatize her when she finds out he doesn’t love her.”

  “He has to love her,” said Joshua. “It has to be there somewhere.”

  So he does see the love, but only when the ice isn’t warping his mind. Jenny watched Joshua with pity and fascination. A desire to fix things and make amends was painted across his sharp features. He truly has faith in Hunter’s love for Eli, but when he loses control and the ice takes over, love does not exist anymore. If only he could find some way to block out this split personality from hell, none of this would be happening.

  “It is there Joshua,” she said. “But right now his mind is fragile. That’s why we need to fix his memory. In the meantime, Hunter will just have to wait to be rescued.”

  Joshua bit his lip. There were tears brewing in his eyes that he tried desperately to hold back. “I just want to know if she’s safe. I need to know.”

  Jenny reached out with a shaking hand, very slowly, as though she were about to touch a frightened animal, and placed her hand gently over his. As she expected, it was colder than an icepack. The friction of their grip shocked him and he yanked his hand away, turning his back on her.

  “Joshua, I-”

  “Thank you, Jenny, for your… advice.” He started walking to the door. “I’ll let you know when Eli returns.”

  Jenny wanted to let him go, but her heart wouldn’t allow it. She ran after him, grabbed his shoulder and yanked him around to face her. Something in her mind was screaming warning signals, and every muscle in her body was tensing, afraid of where her heart was taking her. But everything, all her thoughts and morals and fears and emotions, blew away in a breath of air. She grabbed him by the collar – just as he’d done moments ago – shoved him against the door and kissed him.

  It was
by far the strangest kiss she’d ever had – and Jenny had kissed a lot of men. None of them had a power like Joshua, and none of them were in such an emotionally traumatic state, but none of them had a heart like she knew he possessed. Why she had these urges so suddenly was a mystery to her, but it just felt… right.

  Joshua didn’t move at all. He stood stock-still against the door as she kissed him, completely taken aback. But once the surprise was over, he still didn’t move. She wondered with her hands drifting down over his chest if this was the first time he’d ever kissed a woman, because he was either still completely flabbergasted or he just didn’t know what to do with his hands, or his tongue. It was like pressing her lips against a dead fish.

  The moment that thought occurred to her, she broke away and stepped back in such a hurry that she nearly tripped over his pack lying against the wall.

  Joshua’s mouth was still hanging half open.

  Oh my God, what did I do?

  “Uh… I think you’d better leave,” was all she managed to say. Not ‘sorry Joshua, I shouldn’t have been so forward’ or ‘why didn’t you kiss me back?’ Just a harsh kick in the butt. No wonder you’re not married Jenny, the new and inferior voice in her mind sighed.

  But Joshua was all too happy to oblige. Shock plastered across his pale face, he fumbled with the door and then hurried awkwardly away, leaving Jenny alone in the room to wallow in her embarrassment and hope she could find something that would suffice as a noose.

  TWENTY-SIX

  Another three weeks passed, and Hunter and Will continued to meet in secret, sometimes late at night and sometimes in the middle of the day. It didn’t matter down below, because there were no windows and it was always dark. Nor did security ever pick up, and many of the others were starting to wonder what had happened. Apparently there was ‘some sort of shortage of men with no souls in the world’, as Zac had said.

  She and Will went down to the old quarters whenever they could, and there they smoked and talked in the candlelight about life and their future and where they’d rather be. Most of it was light hearted. Eventually Hunter told Will her story. Will said not a word about Eli and Joshua, but the fury in his eyes was greater than the rage that stirred in her own. He asked a lot of questions about Joshua. Those hours spent in the cold, dark room were what Hunter looked forward to most.