by Angela Ardis
“Peacefully, I hope, with nothing but pleasant thoughts,” I said seductively.
“See, now you playin’. That’s cool, Ms. Lovely, that’s cool,” he said with a chuckle. I could hear some voices in the background, but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.
“They’re buggin’ out. I have to go before they take away my phone privileges again,”
“All right.”
“Don’t forget our star tonight,” he said.
“I’ll meet you there at midnight.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”
I hung up the phone and stretched out on my bed. I felt like someone had just given me fabulous foreplay.
March 17, 1995
My Dearest Angela,
I have just finished our brief and torturous conversation and I’m going crazy with thoughts, hopes and fantasies concerning you. In all honesty I can’t explain this effect u have on my brain but it’s intoxicating and hard 2 shake. I spend so many countless hours here in anticipation of seeing you 4 the first time, Touching u 4 the first time, laughing, eating and waking up with u 4 the first time the crazy shit is the way my heart feels u would think I’ve already made love 2 u and I’ve known u 4 years but it’s that deep. Do I scare u like I scare your mother? Please inform your mother that I was greatly disturbed by the fact that she “feared” me. If only she knew how truly unthreatening my nature is. But I understand her apprehension, with the violent picture the media has painted my image in music & movies and the countless immature acts I have committed it’s enough 2 cause certain feelings of caution. However, if it’s cool with her I would like 2 extend an invitation 4 dinner 2 her so that she can see 4 herself what is in my heart. The only drawback is my confinement limits my engagements for at least a year and ½, but if she’s still worried after my release 4 her daughter’s safety then I respectfully request she take me up on my offer of a home cooked meal. Even she knows criminals don’t cook so that clears me up right there . Now back to my primary source of attention Ms. Angela! Do you know how fucked up I was over the beauty of your voice, the pleasure of hearing your laugh only made it that much rougher 2 get through the night. But you know how the saying goes Absence makes the heart grow fonder . Besides like I said over the phone I want 2 do something with u that I’ve never done with any other female—TAKE MY TIME! Being that I’m physically incarcerated only helps my motives because as sexy as your voice is and as pretty as your perfume smells, I would have broken my willpower’s promise in weeks so this cell is good 4 something after all Huh? Now have u been thinking of me as u promised me? Every night? Even when there’s someone else laying beside u? Be honest now! I feel like a kid in high school every time the mail comes by. I’m hoping and anticipating it’s from you. I’m sniffing the bundles of mail I receive searching 4 that familiar return address but each day brings disappointment yet even though we are new friends I have faith in u and can’t nothing or nobody tell me there isn’t a small fire burning between us. And on everything I love I promise u if u make it through this difficult year and ½ then I will do my best 2 make all these dayz and nights up 2 u and no matter what else life brings we will, if I have anything to do with it, remain TRUE FRIENDZ. Can u feel me? You asked me 2 write u a personal letter well let me see———
Well personally I don’t know where 2 begin Just Kidding!
Tupac Amaru Shakur born June 16, 1971 to Afeni Shakur and Kenneth Saunders (deceased) was from birth destined 2 C a prison cell. My mother was pregnant with me on trial for several bullshit charges stemming from her involvement with the BLACK PANTHERS. Eventually she would serve as her own attorney facing 360 years and win an acquittal. My father a street hustler and gangster was impressed by this short haired dark skinned militant woman and they had a brief “fling” Just enough 4 my moms 2 fall in love with this pretty boy ruffneck and 4 him 2 impregnate her. So 9 months pass my pops disappears and after several miscarriages I was thrust into this world. All of my mother’s pain, loneliness and desperation was fed 2 me and thus I was a quiet and sensitive child, with no male role models, I was my mother’s joy until I reached puberty during which time my sister was born from the sperm of a fellow militant. He too would leave my mother. Anyway by puberty I began to take on the characteristics of my “gangster” father and I took to the streets, nothing serious just constantly in search of a male role model 2 guide me into manhood. Like many single parent black families we were forced into a life of poverty after all of the militant blacks quit the movement in search of “real” lives. Bitter and abandoned my mother held out 4 as long as she could and then finally succumbed 2 drugs. Around this time I was entering my second year of the prestigious Baltimore School 4 the Performing Arts. We had long since left New York homeless and penniless. In my 12th grade year of high school with my college applications in hand, I came home 2 find all the electricity and lights had been turned off and my mother with a black eye. The reason my father and all of the other men left my moms was because she was strong and dominating so needless to say the sight of my Hero with a black eye was a traumatic experience 4 me. The next day with 4 chicken wings and $5 dollars (her last) I was put on a greyhound bus 4 California 2 stay with a family friend seeing my mother and the condition I left her in left an impression I can never erase from my mind. Anyway I went 2 California naive and basically a mama’s boy. I was introduced 2 the real Street Life by getting jumped because I tried 2 intervene as a drug dealer beat up his girl. I got my ass kicked and she was back with him before my eye could heal. (I learned a valuable lesson here!) After a painful year of lessons like this I became a petty criminal (weed sales, fights, etc!) However because of my good nature I was not successful. I never collected my debts, I let people slide I basically was a failure. I ran into an older white lady (married) who took a liking to me and looked out 4 me financially as long as I gave her some dick occasionally. Anyway to make a long story short, she introduced me 2 some people, they liked my rapping and took me on tour as a roadie (basically a flunky). This group was digital underground. Through hard work and determination I went from carrying their luggage 2 rapping on their next album. I received a lot of rave reviews and a small following and released my first album 2PACALYPSE NOW then by stroke of luck I stumbled into an audition 4 a new movie called Juice. I got the lead role and thus the legend of 2PAC was born. Showing my appreciation 4 the criminals who supported me I founded THUGLIFE and tried 2 handle this newfound fame. Which leads me 2 where I am now still trying 2 handle the flames of fame. There’s so much more but soon the mystery will be gone and I need 2 keep your attention 4 at least a year when I can occupy it some other wayz!
Passionately
2PAC (signed)
P.S. Is this personal enough!?
4 Angela
IF ONLY WE R PATIENT!
Tonight, though I sleep in solitude
My thoughts are filled with you
I wonder after this insanity
Do fantasies come true
Will my words communicate my wishes
These passionate slow kisses
Anticipated love embraces
As magical as this is
Explosive nights of love making
Each time a different lesson
The moon will guide my every stroke
I’m blessed by your expressions
Draped in sweat chest 2 chest
A climax 2 our frustration
This is the reward that we can both share
If only we are patient . . . . . .
P.S. THIS AIN’T THE ONE 2 SHOW MAMA!
Constantly
2PAC (signed)
P.S.S. I HOPE YOU ARE SAVING ALL OF MY LETTERS & POEMS AND KEEPING THESE 2 YOURSELF !
This one is 4 u & your mother, Really Your Mother
TELL MAMA
A MAN IS MADE OF MANY THINGS
None of which can be seen at a glance
Even a rose can grow from concrete
If watered and given th
e chance
When judging a man first take in account
The conditions from which he’s prevailed
His ability 2 keep the faith
Not just in victory, but when he fails
Tell Mama please don’t worry
There’s no need 4 caution here
4 I was born an honorable man
So there’s nothing 4 her 2 fear
Never judge a book by its cover
I’m sure she’s heard that B4
And what would life be like 4 us
If we were all 2 scared 2 explore
So dare 2 do what no one has done
Get 2 know me B4 U judge me
9 times out of 10, we’ll become friends
And in time maybe u 2 will love me
Respectfully,
Tupac A Shakur (signed)
Pac,
I’m glad that you wrote my information on your arm. Otherwise, I probably would have thought you weren’t interested, too. In your letter, you asked me if you scare me. In the beginning, I was nervous writing you, even though I didn’t really think that you would respond. Then when you did, welt, I had my fears of who you might be. However, in my heart I believed you were good, and I was right. You have enlightened me, and you make me smile. I hope I can make you smile in the place that needs a boost, too.
I don’t want you to worry about my mother not liking you. Right now, it has no bearing on anything. It will take her some time to grasp what is happening, and until she does, she can’t really begin to- break away from how the media has conditioned her to view you through its fabulous portrayal of you However, she thanks you for the dinner invite and says she’ll think about it when the time comes. You cook, too? You’re a man of many talents. Speaking of cooking, l almost burned the house down. I came home from the gym late and was starving, so I put on some beanie weenies and went and laid down. When I woke up, the alarm was going off, my beanie weenies had burned, and I was still hungry. Luckily, my roommate was home.
Oh! I have kept my promise to you, even when someone’s been present. There is a definite heat here, Pac. It was good talking to you, and I wish we could have talked all night. Your letter was definitely personal enough. I wasn’t expecting that much information. Thank you for sharing yourself with me. Hey! Psst. . . psst. . . Tupac. Meet me in our dark corner tonight, okay?
Forever,
Angela
PS. I love the poetry, Pac. I’m feeling special!!!!!!!!
Chapter 8
GETTING PERSONAL (AND SHOCKED)
March 18. 1995
Dearest Angela,
Let’s C, where do I begin? First of off I finally received your letters and as God as my witness I was thoroughly overjoyed. Damn, I laughed, blushed, smiled, thought, and smirked 4 at least 3 hours. It’s a lot 2 answer but I’m going to take my time and try 2 deal with every point you raised. In case my last letter wasn’t personal enough here’s my “breakdown” (as u put it).
PERSONALITY: I am extremely good natured, adventurous and much more than just free spirit sometimes I’m down right dangerous with my open mind and heart (as u already know) I have an uncanny ability 2 use my heart 2 guide me toward expected happiness. Sometimes I’m successful and sometimes I learn painful lessons. I can be very serious but life is so damn cruel that I plunge myself into bouts of silliness and horseplay (it allows me 2 experience my childhood which I have never really had). I’m beyond dependable 2 those worthy of my trust I have been known to challenge the world and move mountains 2 defend or assist my friends. I’m generous to the point it drains me financially sometimes. I financially take care of my mother, aunt, uncle, female cousin Jamala, sista Sekyiwa, Cousins; Malcolm, Dena, Nelson, Helena, Billy, Kenny, and many others 2 many to name. I also have unformally adopted an orphaned young black male named Mootaw who lives at my house in Atlanta. I have given my friends Benz’ (300 CE) brand new and all kinds of jewelry. I’ve given my sister the deed 2 my house (cuz she was pregnant) and covered all prenatal care 4 her and my cousin as well as all other bills and things. I’ve bought my mom’s and aunt cars as well as my uncle and cousins. That’s just my nature 2 give all that I can 2 those that I love. I’ve given bums 100 dollar bills and strangers have been treated 2 dinner at 4 star restaurants on numerous occasions. I’m not a trick I’m just good hearted and believe in sharing, that’s the good side now on my flip side I’m no joke. I can be cold hearted, merciless and relentless in my pursuit of revenge when pushed 2 the point. But I only strike out in self defense. I have never harmed anyone or anything unless they were meaning 2 do me harm first. I’m honest almost to a fault. I say exactly what I feel sometimes without thinking of the outcome (as you have seen). So in a nutshell that’s my personality. Mix in a little mischief, passion, intelligence and sensitivity and you can almost feel me! Next!
HEALTH: After getting shot I started 2 workout a little but before that I didn’t do shit. No weights, no pushups, nothing. I eat like an animal but can’t seem 2 gain more than 165 pounds (go figure!) I eat pork (don’t tell nobody And I love RIBS. Besides all of that I’m healthy thank God. Before getting shot I’ve never been sick or even had a cold. I’ve been lucky. Sexually I’ve never been given a sexually transmitted disease and I have never passed one on either . I have been tested 4 aids (since the shooting) and I am negative. I have perfect vision, I run fast, I love hard and I don’t snore Next!
I MEAN WOMEN : I LOVE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. From the curve in their backs to the length of their nails. I love the little things as much as the big ones. I love lingerie, slow kisses, passionate lovemaking and romantic dinners. I CAN COOK better than most women (including my mother and aunt) and I enjoy cooking 4 that special someone but that’s a treat. I like the breasts of a woman the most, then her hair and nails. The mouth is very important to me almost as major as the eyes. I love eyes and deep eye contact. My favorite trait of a woman is her voice. The sweetness and softness of her tone and of course a sense of humor that’s very important. Like u said the chemistry is infinite but once I feel it it’s on 4 real! Next!
RELATIONSHIPS: Here’s where I may lose u.
Whether we’re friends, fuck buddies (as you so frankly put it) or man and woman (I’m too old 2 be anybody’s boyfriend ) it has to be intense. 2 be honest I have never had just a friend or just a lover or just a woman. I want all three in one. I’m very greedy but not overimposing. I believe in the old fashioned system. There can only be one dominant presence in a relationship at least as far as masculinity goes and that’s for a man. My woman should make me her priority and love me with every drop of spit in her mouth no exceptions. Without passion I become bored so there must be a constant elevation of in tensity between us. There can be no secrets between her and I. The only time I should be unsure of her next move is in bed. I give a lot to my relationships I have sometimes been known to give too much but it’s only because I love deeply not in pieces and bits. I have been in love but never have I stayed in love. Women tend to relax when they feel they “have” me and shit breaks down. I’m big on communication from our hopes and dreams to the position you prefer in bed. (I’ll get into that in the sex section) 2 me every relationship is both a lesson and a journey unique in every way. Next!
LOVE: This one is difficult.
I can fall in love in a matter of days and on the other hand it can take years b4 I truly love someone. It depends on the intensity factor. A woman has to conquer my heart, mind and body (in that order) b4 I can truly say I love her but once done it’s hard 2 fall out of love unless she was pretending or being false in some way, I can love a woman 4 many reasons. Maybe 4 what I can give 2 her or make her into or even vice versa 4 what she can make me into or share with me. I have loved young ghetto girls and older rich girls all in different ways. As far as my ideal woman. I’m not too sure. First of all she must be faithful in every way. Not just with her body but faithful in the sense that regardless of where she is or who she’s with she must represent me in the utmost
. She has to be woman enough to allow me 2 control our situation in public it is disrespectful 2 me 2 c a woman arguing with a man while she with her man. Feel me? Not my slave but my partner. There can only be one driver in the car. When a woman allows her man to represent her in public it shows other men her satisfaction and respect 4 her man. Let’s say 4 example we’re at dinner and the waiter brings you the wrong meal, instead of you dealing with it, your man handles the situation 4 u. Feel me? On the other hand suppose we’re out and a guy comes on 2 u. Instead of the man intervening, it is on the woman 2 put the man in place in a sweet way sparring his feelings. This shows security in the relationship. Basically, I dislike loud women or jealous women it’s a major turn off. My women has 2 understand in my profession women come at me constantly. If she’s secure there’s no need 2 be rude or selfish she should be happy I am loved by so many this is my business and it affects not just me but us as a couple This part is deep but hopefully u get the drift if not I’ll explain it in depth in a separate letter. Next!
SEX! (This is where the fun starts)
4 me sex is deep and mental. It’s much more than in and out, up and down, bump & grind. Foreplay is the foundation for pleasurable love making. The kiss tells it all. I love 2 kiss not just on the mouth but the entire body. The elbows, the back of the knees, the neck, the ears, the breasts and every inch in between. Variety is the major part. I like 2 make love on the bed, in the kitchen, in the shower, on the floor wherever the passion moves us. I like 2 do it slow but I change speeds with the intensity. Positions help to bring pleasure in ways no one can imagine, but even before intercourse I like to tease the woman with my dick (excuse my French) barely slipping it in and then pulling it out. I like to use my tongue 2 explore her whole body prolonging the act to the point of torture. Anticipation brings ecstasy! I like to hold the woman throughout the entire act, sometimes firmly and at the other times softly. I like 2 use ice, honey, whip cream, cucumbers, anything 2 add variety, blindfolds and soft ropes are exciting. As well as cough drops and ice cream. I like 2 be dominant and submissive. Loud and quiet. When making love the Gemini comes out of me I can be gently making love in one moment and passionately fucking your brains out in the next. I love getting kissed on my neck licked on my chest and sucked well. . . you know what I mean. Basically as you can see I’m deep into making love. I like quickies as well as long passionate sessions of love making like I said variety is the key. Well now that I’m all sweaty and horny let’s move on!