by Angela Ardis
Turn the page this page is hot as hell
You alright? Hope I didn’t scare you away. You must be like “Damn this nigga is a stone cold freak!” Well your half right (I’m not cold at all ) Anyway back 2 u. That’s enough of me and what I like. I read what you asked of me in your last letter, (your favor) well it’s done! Each and every night you’ll get that moment. I keep trying 2 tell myself not 2 speak of sex in my letters and in the future I’ll do less of that, that’s a promise! Now do me a favor. The next time your out with your “friends”, out of nowhere tell ’em 2PAC said hi and let me know their response. It has 2 be when they don’t expect it. Can u do that 4 me? Please? I got all your pictures in my locker bringing sunshine 2 my dreary cell but like I said “I’m greedy”, so send more when u can. Remember variety is the key! I think I covered the profile part. By the way u will never know the sensations I got when you called me “Boo” in your last letter (whew) ! Be careful in the kitchen love don’t burn the spot down before I get to see it. Oh u asked me what my 5 year plan was so here it is!
IN 5 YEARS I WANT TO RULE THE WORLD!
Is that too much? Seriously, I want to write, act and direct my own movies, I want to write, produce and perform my own albums (completed) I want to manage and produce other groups (completed) I also want to establish a youth program called “US FIRST” and build and run a center called “GHETTO HEAVEN” and put out a magazine called “GHETTO GOSPEL” at the same time open a restaurant, buy another house, another BMW, and find a woman 2 be my queen in this kingdom I will build. Is that 2 much? I’m already half way finished with most of this and the rest is in the works upon my release. SHIT DON’T STOP! The world is OURS! In my next letter I’ll explain my youth program 2 U. I remember you said “It’s all about the youth” Keep ya head up. Keep me in your heart & mind and never sleep until you’ve thought of us together. Promise Me! Sleep good tonight! I miss you Ms. Angela “Lovely” Ardis.
ETERNALLY,
Tupac Amaru Shakur (signed)
My real name!
Who could make
This up!
Tupac Amaru Shakur
6-16-71
Constantly Thinking of U!
I’d just started writing my letter when Tanya threw one of those fabulous gossip papers at me.
“Did you read this?” she asked.
“No, what?”
“He’s writing you love poems, and he’s supposed to be marrying Jada Pinkett. See, I told you they ain’t no good.”
“It’s gossip, Tan. Half of this stuff ain’t even true.”
“Yeah, well, the other half is, so you figure out which half this article falls under,” she said as she closed the bathroom door.
“He said he had a special friend besides me. He doesn’t owe me anything anyway, Tan.”
The door flew open. “No, he doesn’t. But if he’s truly marrying her, then he owes her something,” she said, closing the door again.
“I’ll ask him,” I said, a bit let down. I heard the spray can being emptied behind the bathroom door.
Dear Tupac,
I’m so happy that you finally got all of my other letters. I hope you got the pictures, too. Since you gave me such a thorough breakdown, I wrote one for you.
Personality: I am a “sometimey” kind of person. I don’t do anything all of the time, so I would have to say that I’m unpredictable. Most people would call me moody. The only time I come close to that word is when someone is attempting to take me for granted or when I’m in business mode. I’m extremely verbal and very hard to intimidate. I don’t kiss ass, suck up, or say things I don’t mean. I am excruciatingly honest if you ask for my opinion. I’ve hurt people’s feelings on more than one occasion because I was so blatant. But I always say, “Don’t ask me if you don’t want my opinion.” For the most part, I’m very good-natured, very silly—no, extremely silly—almost childlike at times. Everyone I meet doesn’t get to see that side of me. It depends on my mood at the time and on what the particular person inspires within me. When I’m serious, I’m serious, and there isn’t a lot in life that I take seriously. Just don’t mess with my money or my momma, and the monster from within will never surface. I’m loyal to a select few, and love my momma to death. I tend to be nice to everyone, unless you rub me the wrong way, but even then I will be polite. I can be as timid as a mouse and I can also be a ball buster if I have to. I’ll do almost anything once, and twice if l like it . I’m a giver at heart and love to see people smile from the inside.
Health: I’m healthy. I work out three to four times a week and hate every minute of it. If I could blink it away, I would. Hips run in my family. I eat whatever I want, making no stipulations on meals. Life, to me, is too short not to indulge! I deny myself nothing!!!!!
Men: I love men who smell good, have nice teeth, and take care of themselves. I like ones who are professional and those with a definite edge. I don’t appreciate knuckleheads, hardheads, or drama kings. I don’t like needy men, clingers, or insecure men. I’m not controllable, so those kind get on my nerves, too. I like aggressiveness, but not forcefulness; romantic men but not overbearing men; accommodating men but not yes men. I like the ones who have an edge, ones who can dress up or down and fit in anywhere. He can speak well but slang at the same time, and he is secure with himself and his goals. But I don’t have a type at all. I do have a preference for dark chocolate men, but that’s only a preference. It’s a chemistry thing.
Relationships: I don’t know whether to give you my ideal one or the ones I’ve had. I’ll give you both. My ideal relationship is one of sheer love: I believe that if a man truly loves you and you truly love him, then everything else will automatically be there. We’ll respect each other, show adoration, have strong trust, enjoy flowing communication, have a good time together, and enjoy a solid relationship. But I also feel that two people must love and know themselves because if they don’t, they can’t truly love each other fully: I give a lot in my relationships. I can give you only what you motivate and inspire me to give to you by your energy. Every guy doesn’t get the same person from me. It depends. You feel me? I’ve been blinded by bullshit, but I will try everything I can before throwing in the towel. Once I throw in the towel, I can’t take it back. I can still be cool with an ex, but he’ll never be my man again. I believe I can love you that fully and thoroughly only one time because after that, there’s negative history present that will always sabotage the possibility of a clean slate. In my book, every guy I date starts out with a clean slate. I try not to carry old baggage into new relationships. It’s not fair, so I release the negative as an experience and move on. Sometimes. I do agree with you in regards to people getting comfortable. I always tell guys, “You presented yourself in a way that got my attention and interest, now how long you hold that interest is up to you.” I don’t like perpetrators who try to impress me. I never want to meet your representative. I want to meet the man you truly are, and I’ll give you the same. Realness. Just be real.
Love: I love the thought of love. I love the feeling of giving love. Real love. But because I give love so unconditionally and so freely, I tend to get smashed a lot, or rather, taken for granted. Certain people have made me feel so extremely bubbly that I want to do everything for them. When I love you, whenever I see a need I try to fill it. But I have realized that people don’t know what to do with my kind of love. It’s taken for granted instead of fully appreciated. I tend to find either those who can show me but not tell me or those who can tell me but not show me. Rarely do I find someone who can do both. In terms of being in love? My take on that is that depending on the day, I can be in love with you. It depends on the circumstances of the day and how we were together and our communication level and the foreplay throughout the day (which may or may not lead to sex). If everything is clicking, then that may be a day that I feel like I’m in love with you. Don’t get me wrong. I will love you in general very much, but being in love is a day-today thing for me. Maybe I j
ust haven’t found the right person yet. I love hard and fully.
Sex: I love the thought of sex. Soft, romantic sex; passionate, aggressive sex; and maddening, rapelike sex (minus the abuse ). My ideals of sex sometimes block me from actually enjoying the process of it. I love foreplay, when a man is truly interested in pleasing me. Women can tell the difference. Foreplay can be aggressive, as long as it’s not marking me or is extremely painful. It can also be gentle and slow, as long as the man doesn’t have a feather hand I hate that. I won’t break. I like kissing, love kissing, adore kissing, as well as sucking, licking, biting, clawing, soft scratching, light to medium choking, hair pulling, sweaty sex ! If the foreplay isn’t real, then the initial insertion won’t be fulfilling. Don’t get me wrong. It might be great sex, but for me, “mind-boggling sex” is a package thing, not just a hard dick thing. You feel me? Teasing during sex drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!! I love that, too . My favorite spot—what gets me without fail—is when my lover comes from behind me, slides his hands around me, massaging my breasts and kissing, licking, and sucking my neck and ears. It’s the best!!!!!!!!!!!! Whew, let me cool off for a minute. . .
Okay, I’m back! . I like a man who’s not in a hurry, who truly knows how to dominate me to the point where I’m asking for it. Anyway, I enjoy being the aggressor. I find that men like women who can dominate and be aggressive in bed. Men will mumble, plead, groan, breathe deeply, and even beg. It’s a wonderful thing. It’s up to me at that point whether I want to give it to them or not. My choice. What a powerful thing that is. You feel me? But I think the key to my G-spot is mental sexing, followed by intense, moderately aggressive foreplay, followed by deep, passionate sex. I’m in touch with myself enough to please myself when needed. I also enjoy the extras like toys, handcuffs, wax, ice, etc.
Now I’m horny. Let’s move on!!
Goals: My five-year goal is simply to be happy no matter what I do. Whether I’m still working at my current job (which I doubt), modeling, writing, whatever, I just want to be happy. I’d wanted to be a Jet Beauty of the Week since I was young. I did that. I wanted to be in Playboy. I did that. I’d like to ride the covers of magazines, sign with a makeup line, get a book published, and maybe try acting. Who knows? But all in all, I just want to be happy!
There is my breakdown for you. Oh! I did what you asked. In one of your letters, you told me to tell everyone that you said hello. They looked at me like I was crazy. I explained the story and needless to say, they were surprised. The guys said to “tell Pac to stay strong,” “tell him he was framed—that was some bullshit,” “tell him we got his back.” It was mad love for you. But it’s all good. You probably get love like that all the time. All in all, they said, “What’s up?”
Well, that’s that, Boo. Oh, yeah. I was reading one of life’s most infamous trash papers. So you and Jada are getting married, huh? Are you two having kids any time soon? It’s trash, but it comes from somewhere. So, what’s up with that? Is she the friend you were talking about? Care to share?
Get at me!
Forever,
Angela
P.S. I’m lovin your CD!
Jada had to be the friend he was talking about. It was the thought of them getting married. Why was it important to him that I find a star at midnight? Why was it important that I promise him I wouldn’t sleep until I thought of us together? He was engaged. What in the hell was that all about?
“I’ve been talking to you for less than a month, and instead of just telling me you’re engaged, you decide to tell me she’s only a friend?”
“You don’t understand,” he said, defending himself.
“I understand, Pac. You’re walking the man’s tightrope.”
“The what?” He looked confused.
“You’re not ready to pick a side yet, so by staying on the rope, in your mind, you’re safe. ”
“It’s not about being safe . . .”
“You want me to open up to you and treat you like the boyfriend I trust, but you’re not holding up your end with this kind of mess. ” I threw the paper at him. He looked down at it and laughed.
“C’mon, Ms. Lovely. It’s not what you think, ” he said, grabbing me from behind. A slight but definite smile separated my lips at his touch.
“Men always say that so that the woman looks like she’s trippin’.”
“Shhh. ” He turned me around to face him, but I turned my head away, not wanting to look at him.
“It ain’t cool, Pac, and this isn’t going to make it better. ”
He placed his finger over my lips. “Angela,” he said, but I wouldn’t look at him.
“Angela,” he said again, turning my face to his. I could feel the heat of his breath on my lips. He looked at me quietly, reassuringly. “Angela.”
“Angela! Hello!” Tanya called out. “Are we going to lunch or what?”
I looked slowly away from the window and up at her in disgust.
“What did I do?” she asked, taken aback by my look.
I took a deep breath, grabbed my purse, and walked past her.
“What? What did I do?”
I could hear her trailing behind me.
Chapter 9
TRYING TO GET TO THE BOTTOM OF IT
Angela,
No. I am not marrying Jada. It was never an issue. Yes she did ask me but it was more out of pity than real love. Don’t get me wrong I do love Jada but only as a friend. We’ve been through a lot together. No, I have never had physical relations with her just friendship in its purest form. Please know I am trying my hardest 2 be honest with you even when it’s not what u want 2 hear. In my first letter I told u about the person in my life didn’t I? Well here’s more information on her. Her name is Keisha we’ve been real with each other and seeing each other 4 9 months on the 19 of March. I’ve cheated on her, got shot up, and basically drug her through hell but she’s stayed in my corner and I am very loyal so she’s the special person in my life. I now have a real good relationship with her. We have no secrets she knowz of u but not your name. I just told her I had an intense pen pal in GA and one day we’d meet. She’s not my girlfriend but I am her King and I consider her 2 be my Queen. I have written her poetry but I have not written any of the poems made for u 4 her. That’s my word. It’s not in me to be dishonest & shady. I don’t tell her the same things I tell u and vice versa. She knows that I like u and I’m attracted 2 u and she’s jealous but she also knows she’s my Queen and jealousy is not becoming of a Queen. She’s real cool. I say all this 2 say if by chance I was ever to be married real fast it would be to her not Jada. Now, I’m sure you are through with me at this point but I only went into detail because of your questions about Jada. She (Keisha) really has nothing 2 do with u or u with her but I wanted 2 keep everything clear. So where does that leave us u ask? Exactly where we are. Nothing changes. We have just met and we are growing everyday and if I had known u 4 9 months I’m sure things would have been different but such is life. I can feel you right now. Your mind racing a mile a minute, hating me, feeling hurt, changing, but I hope after all of that u c I’m being what most niggaz can’t be honest. I’m doing what people promise to do but fail to do. Keep it real. If u & I had been through heaven and hell 4 nine months and then I was attracted 2 someone else what would u want? Be honest! I love Keisha but I’m attracted 2 u and was and am curious 2 c what will become of our words and wishes. Can u feel me!? What r u thinking. In all my years I have learned a few things from women and one thing I noticed is they pray 4 honest men but find it hard 2 accept the truth when it’s dealt to them. Plus you know how selfish some women can be . You would not believe how deep I can feel u right now. I am anticipating your reactions b4 u have them and it doesn’t look good 4 me but in my eyes only sparks burn out true a. fires burn eternally. I want 2 be an honest and honorable man regardless of the consequences I may face. Where do we go from here? Is this the end of our road? Will u cease 2 think of me? Will u ignore my star at midnight? Will u write me les
s or not at all? Will u just walk away and look elsewhere, or will u still just go through the motions just to seem nonchalant and not be sincere or whole hearted? If u wish all of these are options. But here’s another option. Look at this like “Damn I have yet to meet a nigga this real” who when everything was going good he told the truth not when caught but when it was needed. A nigga who doesn’t use women and throw them away when he’s finished. A loyal man who says what he means and means what he says. Someone who truly loves for life not just when he’s inside of me or when things are good. Where are all the good men? U decide! Don’t change on me Angela it would upset me and prove that honesty is outdated and overrated. I meant every word I wrote u that’s my word. Do what u must. I’ll keep the faith.