by Angela Ardis
Yesterday I wanted death
Because my future was plagued with pain
But now I’ve found a friend in u
Now I’ve learned 2 live again
2 Angela
from
2PAC (signed)
Exclusively 4 Angela
2 FUCK THE TASTE FROM
YOUR MOUTH
A Naughty poem by T. Shakur
Let me fuck the taste from your mouth
Give me kiss and close your eyes
Tonight’s the night I love U right
Lay back and enjoy the ride
Grab hold of something stable
Forgive me if I ignore
Your screams and moans oohs and aahs
And continue 2 give U more
Would U mind if I slept inside U
2 awake in heaven’s gate
then would it be cool if I drooled on U
then kiss & licked your face
Let me fuck the taste from your mouth
Then sleep and rest peacefully
Now no matter who comes B4 or after
U got the best piece from me
2 Angela
2PAC (signed)
Am I naughty
or what?
4 Angela by 2PAC
POSSESSION
In my heart there lives a small child
Eager to love anxious 2 please
Destined 2 change merciless souls
And infect the world like disease
In my mind there lives a great soldier
Fearless in motion relentless in stride
In search of the ones intent to destroy
This paradise built from inside
In my soul there lives an adventurer
Ready 2 die quick 2 explore
Hungry 4 change they battle my brain
One man possessed by all four
Wanting 2 free my spirit
But the world ain’t ready 2 C
Through stress and pain I struggle 2 gain
A place in this world 4 me
Pac,
One of your poems seemed a little down to me. Are you okay? Aside from the normal, are you okay? I wish I could come and hold you and rock you till you fell asleep. The illusion of the dark corner probably doesn’t lend much comfort when the walls are closing in, huh? I wish I had something magical I could say to make everything bearable and to bring a smile to your face other than the fact that I have bowel issues from time to time . Okay, okay, no more of that. What’s going on in there? Is your family okay? Is Keisha okay? Is your business okay? I don’t know, Boo. Talk to me. Don’t shut me out.
I can feel you as much as you feel me. You’re inside me now. In a special place in my heart and soul that I didn’t even know existed. You are giving me feelings and emotions that I’ve never had and don’t believe I’ll ever find again. It’s special, and I want to hold on to it forever, however long forever may be for us (eternity ). Like you said, Pac, I don’t have the answers for yesterday, today, or tomorrow but I do know how I feel about you, and I know that I want this to remain a positive “friendship,” full of life and realness. Can you feel me? You are such a special person, and some of the weight you carry around on your shoulders you need to release. It’s not yours to carry. Not all of it. But I know, being a Gemini, we have a loyalty to those we love and care about, and we will sacrifice ourselves many times in an effort to make someone comfortable or even happy for a second. Material items mean nothing to us if we can’t share them with the ones we love. I feel you, Pac, right now, during my day and definitely at midnight . Keep your head up, Boo. I’ll be there soon, and we’ll see if I can replace your frown with a smile.
Forever,
Angela
Never Feel Lonely You’re Never Alone
(Written exclusively for Pac from Angela)
The world can be cruel when the wind blows down
Left alone, nowhere to turn, people once there can’t be found
Searching for the reality you thought was yours for life
All the pain, headaches and heartache were the lows of strife
But turn around PAC there are people out there
People who’ve been there since day one that truly care
About your well-being, dilemmas, your mental state of mind
Open your eyes, unblock your ears, in your heart please find
The realness in those around you those your instincts do dare
To challenge your impulse, to test your senses towards those who don’t care
Find the realness in your world and know that it will prevail
Those are the people who will be down when all else fails
I’m new to your life but am concerned just the same
Don’t care about your money, material bullshit or fame
It’s Tupac I’m writing and feeling in my heart
Realizing the connection appreciating your realness from the start
So as you sit there assessing the hand that life dealt you
Know people love you and care about the things that you do
Take heed in your next hand and avoid that to which you’re prone
And know that you should never feel lonely because you’re never alone.
Special Place
(Written exclusively for PAC from Angela)
Is there something I can say to bring a smile to your face
Is there somewhere we can go A special hiding place
Where everything you enjoy is abundant and free
If I figure it out would you come with me
We could run around enlightened by the openness of space
We could lay in silence as the sun washes our face
We could talk by the river as the water cools our feet
In this place I could find it would be simple and sweet
We could eat all the foods without a care in the world
We could light a fire and inside the blanket stay curled
We could erase all that ails and weighs heavily on our minds
I’ll find a place PAC and everything will be fine
To escape the world’s bulk for seconds, minutes, or days
To revive all that’s dead inside and attempt to find new ways
To see the beauty life has to offer from everything around
I’ve got a secret to tell you this place has been found
I can’t tell you in this poem because someone might see
This secret is between us just for you and for me
So anticipate the answer as I continue to lure
And I’ll tell you tonight in our dark corner
A man of Tupac’s stature couldn’t find a place in this world for himself? A place to rest, a place for his inner child to run worry-free and be nurtured by those who truly care? I just felt sorry for him. He truly needed a hug.
I wanted to comfort him, to reach out and embrace him or lift his burdens, but I couldn’t. I could do only what I was doing, which was write letters and poetry and hope that they helped him cope in some way. Hope that they reached that place within him that needed to be uplifted.
Hope that they made a difference somehow.
Chapter 16
I SEND AN INVITATION
April 6, 1995
Dearest Angela,
What U felt in my last letter was just my slight depression, don’t worry about it though it passes. Sometimes I get that way. It’s just so hard to have to go through all of this when I’m innocent. The feeling of helplessness brings anger, sadness and then depression but I’m working on that. Today I got a visit from Jada & M.C. Lyte it was cool, very funny but somewhat distant. Yo-Yo wants me to write a song 4 her. Lyte wants me to write a song for her album & Digital Underground wants the same thing so I’m trying 2 stay busy. I’m back to working on these scripts I’ve been writing. I have four, A MAN’Z WORLD, KINDRED SPIRITZ, MERCY STREET and MY BROTHER’S KEEPER. Hopefully it will be my ticket to reclaiming what’s rightfully mine
. . . The World. So if I seem distant or depressed try 2 understand sweetheart it isn’t personal It’s just the situation calls for it. What’s up with U Ms. Lovely? U shit yet? ( ! Haa Haa) Right now it’s late I don’t know what time it is but it’s mid-morning everyone is asleep and I just popped up from my sleep feeling U 4 the moment. I just looked at all your pictures. I told Keisha about your comments concerning me not being realistic she was surprised by your realness but it helped to reinforce how cool I told her U was. I hope U don’t mind. I thought about what U said it made sense but let me elaborate. Call me an alien, but I truly believe U can love more than one person it may not be an identical love but it can be just as genuine. 4 example U can hate more than one person so why not vice versa. U fear more than one thing so why not vice versa. I don’t feel any guilt or sense of deception when I write U or “flirt” as u put it because it is my nature and it is sincere. I may not know how it will all turn out but I have faith that it will fall into place when the time is right. All I can do is open my heart and be honest and hope 4 understanding. Is that being greedy? Selfish? I don’t have all the answers I just know I want happiness and I am happy when I am true 2 my heart and at this point that has been the case. I’m curious 2 C how we progress over time. I can’t lie I am totally at a loss 4 what the future holds but I have this fear you’ll change heart or lose interest. It’s not my wish but as with life it will be out of my hands. That’s why I don’t hold back with U 2 be sure I tell U & share all that I am offering U. That way I know u feel me and as long as U do, nothing & nobody can replace me. I know it may be a confusing situation but I ask that u challenge your sense of reality and follow our path til it ends (if it ends ) and see what becomes of this “intense pen pal thing.” Is that fair? If I’m correct you should be coming 2 C me soon huh? I’m definitely looking forward to it. I keep visualizing the moment we stand face 2 face what will happen? Will I kiss U? Will I be nervous? Will I feel U once U R B4 me? It’s definitely intense! What R U thinking? Tell me. R U nervous? Excited? What, tell me something Angela! U bored with me yet? Be honest! 4 us 2 survive the changing currents we have to be eternally honest and communicate okay? Now that I’m in your system I don’t want 2 leave ! Well get back 2 me. Share your heart with me. Keep ya head up. Keep the faith. Remember midnight. Keep my presence in your heart and C U soon. I can’t wait 2 C what U wear, I know it’s going 2 be a headbanger! I remain—
ETERNALLY
2PAC (signed)
P.S. Thanks 4 easing the pain in
My heart tonight I owe U one!
♥
2PAC (signed)
Dear Pac,
Hey, what’s up with you? I just read the article you did in Vibe. I’m glad to hear that you’re done with all that “Thuglife” stuff. I see you’ve been thinking in there. I guess once you put the herb down, it allowed your mind to see the things that weren’t so evident before. I hope your people and Queen are assisting you by holding their own, along with the help that you give. I know that people tend to get lazy and live off the help, and get amnesia when it comes to taking care of themselves when someone such as yourself is so giving.
I’m glad that work is keeping you busy. The scriptwriting is good, Pac. You’re a hot commodity, and you’re a natural when it comes to your abilities. I think the industry will readily embrace all that you have to offer. Just keep it coming .
I don’t mind you talking to Keisha about what I wrote. It’s not a surprise to me. It’s cool, and I would expect you to. She is your Queen, right? No secrets.
I also want you to know that I do not consider you an alien. I understand and agree with your views on loving more than one person, but at the same time, you have to make distinct differentiations among those loves when trying to narrow down your life partner. If you even believe in life partners and marriage. Don’t misunderstand where I’m coming from. I just feel that when you love someone on the level you love Keisha (the Queen status level ), that love should be stronger and more powerful than the others to the point that straying away from her isn’t an option. Temptation is a bitch, PAC, but you should know better than most that no matter what temptation is offering your manhood, or how fine she is, or how fine her clothes are, or how tight her body is, or how electric the chemistry becomes, once you’ve hit it, the thrill of the chase or conquest is gone. Not to mention that you have an aftermath to deal with, and that’s Keisha, if she’s the Queen of your life. Whether you tell her or not, your mind will get the best of you, and whether she lets you know that she’s aware of your conquests, she’ll also be eaten away by her mind every time you’re not home, don’t call right back, or just simply go to work. It’s a man thing at times, but it’s also disrespectful and devalues you as a man to your woman. In that I mean that our man, initially, is a prize to most women. The one who loves them, comes home to them, cherishes them. How lucky we feel to have found a “good one.” But you become less and less of a “good one” with each lie and conquest. Put it this way: winning a first-place prize doesn’t make you feel special if you have to share it with other competitors. My opinion, totally my opinion. But you said you feel no guilt or deception because it’s your nature and it’s sincere. I’m glad to hear that. I just hope Keisha understands you as well as you think she does. But like I said before, your love quotient-is your own, and you two must have some kind of understanding. I’ll say it again: I don’t think I could be so understanding. I don’t care who you are.
I don’t want you to fear any aspect of what we have, PAC. I can’t imagine changing heart or losing interest in you. Like you said, the only things that can destroy this are lies, dishonesty, and greed. But I can’t fathom you doing any of those things, nor will I. So just scratch that thought out of your head. It doesn’t belong there. All of your questions are the same questions I’ve been asking myself. I know I’ll be nervous. No doubt about it. I do have anxieties that you won’t feel me once I get there, or maybe in person I won’t come across like what you see in the pictures. Even though we’ve had phone conversations, they were all pretty short. Now we’ll have actual time to talk, and what will we say? Anything? Or silence? Definitely nervous. Yup! Definitely.
I don’t ever want you to leave my system, and honestly, I don’t think you can. You have implanted yourself inside of me, a feeling that can be touched only by someone like you. With your frame of mind, your awareness of self, your comfort with expression, and your fearlessness of showing openness. There aren’t many out there like you. None that I can name. You’re one of a kind, and for that reason, you are untouchable in my emotional and psychological valleys. My system is filled with your aura, your presence, and your heart. Sappy, huh? (haaaaaa) ’Til death and beyond, PAC, you will remain. Believe that!
Forever
Angela
P.S. Midnight, Boo! Nine more hours to go. See you there!
P.S.S. Hey, man, what happened to my poems? You holding back? What’s up with that? Am I wrong for expecting one in every letter? You think you can come to Detroit when you get out?
Anticipation
(Written exclusively for 2Pac from Angela)
Anticipation’s got my head swimming
Wonderment of what’s to come
Feeling butterflies thoughts mesmerized
Of the buildup of what we’ve done
“Extreme Dreams” forming reality
“Stolen Kisses” reclaimed and found
“Whispers” will be spoken words
“Anticipated Ec$tacy” breeds muted sound
“Anticipation” of me standing before you
Everything culminating in the moment at hand
Will you “Feel Me”? Will emotions “Dissolve”?
These are the questions that I can’t comprehend
“I Feel You” is what I keep hearing you say
Your “Possession” has taken hold
“2 Night” our visions are no longer miraged
“Time” transporting fate can be that b
old?
Anticipation of our first words
The smiles that’ll surely send vibrations
“I Wait” anxiously for soon when “Geminiz Collide”
That will end all “Anticipation”
INVITATION
I cordially invite you to a weekend at a cabin in the
woods, where you’ll find limited outside influence,
peace of mind, and friendly affections that will be
both therapeutic as well as mind-freeing.
In addition, there will be a star-watching vigil that is
mandatory or else.
DATE: Upon your release
LOCATION: Surprise and secluded
R.S.V.P.: A.S.A.P. but I know
you’re cool!
Chapter 17
ANOTHER SHOCKING DISCOVERY
My Dearest Angela,
Forgive me 4 not responding sooner it was not due to my insensitive methods of communication, rather I have been overwhelmed with drama over here. I had a physical run in with three guards and family trauma at home so I have been applying my concentration 2 these areas. Thank U 4 being patient. Now let me get back 2 implanting my essence into U. First of all I appreciate your concern in regards to my family, friends and Queen but rest assure I am currently aware and in control on all three. There is in fact minor waves coming from my homebase “Thugmansion” but it will all turn out 4 the best. My friends in majority have been terminated and avoided and last but not least I am enjoying a wonderful bliss with my Queen Keisha. In fact we are to be married on the 29th of April but please as a friend please keep this information a secret. Also forgive the formality of my plea it is just necessary 4 me to stress the importance of my trust in you. So already I have answered two questions Is Keisha my Queen? And Do I believe in Marriage? However understand I do believe in personal commitment not marriage this ceremony is basically just a formality to appease the State so that Keisha and I can receive overnight visits. In my eyes we were already married now it is just legal. My Queen and I share our every thought and though we disagree on several issues we still ultimately support & respect each other’s decisions, that is the beauty of it. Now what else did U ask me? I can’t remember anyway I forgot to thank U 4 your certificate of friendship, your poem, and your invitation. I would love 2 watch the stars with U. As for the trip to Detroit that would not be impossible difficult yes impossible no. The trip to the cabin in the woods very possible even welcomed. You also mentioned the decline of substance in my most recent letters. I was not aware of it but it may be because your arrival is so imminent and that excites me to the point of paralisis excuse my errors and shortcomings understand this prison cell does not assist in the development of the heart & mind. I sometimes succumb to the atmosphere and dive into my own consiousness. Can u feel me still? I also prohibit my writing bullshit or overdramatic promises I can never fulfill so I only write what I feel whether it be I page or twenty. That doesn’t mean I feel less it just means I refuse to game you so I only included that with which I could make a reality. If I left anything out we can discuss it at another time. Okay Ms. Lovely let’s get 2 U. How do U feel about my written intrusion to your mind? What are your expectations? How do U truly feel about me? Honestly now. Where do U see our bond in 5 years? Enough questions 4 U? Okay okay no more. I’m trying to stop my poems to U momentarily so that U don’t become bored or immune to my words. Feel me not long just long enough to miss. Remember absence makes the heart grow fonder. Plus desire is essential to longevity and if that is indeed what we quest then it is my duty to apply whatever actions necessary to keep you wanting more. Shit withdrawal never hurt nobody . So don’t fall off on me. Show some loyalty to your willpower and we will see if U are still down 4 me or not. Nah I’ll probably cheat and sneak letters 2 U so forget that 4 now but remember that in the future Remember Midnite 20 strokes til death and Keep me in your heart at all times. I Remain.