Inside A Thugs Heart
Page 15
“Only for a second,” he said playfully.
I looked through the peephole and couldn’t quite make out who it was, but he looked familiar.
I opened the door and caught just a glimpse of Tupac in the porch light as he rushed in, pushing me against the wall that was behind me. His mouth engulfed mine. My body felt warm as his tongue retraced the path inside my mouth that he’d discovered months ago. This time was different. Our bodies were able to converge, and his hands found their way inside my robe and began to roam over my body as if they’d been there before. I was a noodle as his mouth found its way to my ears and neck. I couldn’t catch my breath as his hands found their way to places that felt like virgin territory.
“Pac,” I panted. His mouth came back to mine.
“You always open the door without asking who it is?” he asked, still kissing me and teasing my upper and lower lips.
“What a surprise!” I smiled back, returning the pleasant kisses. “And I thought tonight was going to be boring.”
Our tongues found each other again. I slid my hands around his neck and caressed his bald head, letting out a deep sigh. I closed the door behind him, and we found our way to my bedroom. I laid him on his back and traced his “Thuglife” tattoo with my tongue. His hands found their way into my hair as he pulled my head back and took over. Heavenly. I was blurred, but feelin’ lovely . . .
“He’s dead!” Tanya rushed into my room. Tupac had been shot and in the hospital for the past few days, and I had zoned out watching the movie 9½ Weeks.
“What?” I said, startled. “Who’s dead?”
“You don’t know?” She looked alarmed. “You haven’t watched the news today?” she asked, stopping my video and switching the TV to the news.
I shook my head no. I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. His face appeared on the screen, and they showed him speaking. I looked at Tanya questioningly. “He’s okay, Tan. Who died?”
Tanya pointed to the TV, and I realized it was an old clip of him. They flashed a photo of Tupac, with “June 16, 1971-September 13, 1996” written on the bottom of it. I couldn’t move. I didn’t know what to make of it. I had never had anyone I know die. I’d never had anyone I cared about die. It felt like I’d lost something special. This wasn’t the way my wonderful story was supposed to end. There were other chapters to be written, other experiences to explore. I felt like the world had lost someone special. I felt for his mom, his family, and everyone who truly loved him. I looked at Tanya, then at the TV.
This wasn’t a dream or an illusion. Tupac Amaru Shakur was dead. My experience was over. My hope for him was gone. Reality struck me with a swift punch, and I broke down and cried.
For You
(Written exclusively for Pac for life)
Silence broken by the angst of muted tears
Hearts beating solemn rhythms no one can hear
Time moving in slow motion, no actually it’s stopped
It didn’t have to come to this. Can you still feel me Tupac?
I’m listening for sound, no a feeling or maybe a word
But you’ve disappeared from all sight, not a word to be heard
Only the photos, CDs, conversations that linger behind
They say “out of sight out of mind” but that doesn’t pertain this time
The world’s at a loss, the impact hitting hard
I asked God why now? Why didn’t he pull a different card
Unanswered questions saturate the earth, finding placement in us all
Who’s to blame? Can we point fingers? Who will take the fall?
You said nobody raised you, you were raised in this society
So why did this society breed in you a lifetime of anxiety
Causing the hype, the drama, the misfortune that plagued you
Glorifying the mishaps, waiting to see what you would do
No one stepped up to the plate, to say enough of all that ailed
Society can’t look itself in the mirror; truth is they’ve failed
To guide you to a brighter day to show you there’s a better way
Instead they remained mute opting to respond, with nothing to say
Guarded in your heart lack of freedom in your mind
Writing lyrics left and right hoping one day you would find
Somewhere to rest your restless soul of all the things you do
Maybe as fate would have it, God found a place in this world for you
Eternally was your most repeated word, prophesied by words you spoke
Elements you left behind none of your spirit can be broke
You left behind a part of you for all the world to view
You went out screaming fuck the world, what did they expect from you?
I close my eyes tormented at the part I played in your life
A girl enthralled by the thug, captured by the portrayal of a man who already had a wife
But through our letters, our poetry, and the relationship that we shared
Your realness was felt, honesty appreciated, about you I did care
The world keeps moving in circles, one day passing on to the next
Society mourning the loss of you, trying to rectify, giving respect
It’s never too late but unfortunate that it takes something drastic to realize
What we should have cherished, embraced and embellished; God’s
child a definite prize
I hope where you are you’re smiling. The smile only you can ignite
In a place filled with peace, harmony and love; no forms of darkness everything’s bright
You deserved some peace and quiet, just sad it had to come to this
Just know that society’s sorry for failing you and that you are truly missed.
Letters written by Tupac Shakur are licensed courtesy of Amaru Entertainement, Inc.
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Copyright © 2004 by Angela Ardis
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any means without the prior written consent of the Publisher, excepting brief quotes used in reviews.
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Library of Congress Card Catalogue Number: 2003112540
ISBN: 978-0-7582-0789-0