William Shakespeare's Star Wars

by Ian Doescher

  I wish to come with thee to Alderaan,

  For nothing have I here on Tatooine.

  Then shall I learn the Force, and shall become

  A Jedi like my father. Thus I vow.

  So let’s prepare and go upon our way,

  With haste may we escape the troopers vile.

  [Exeunt Obi-Wan, C-3PO, and R2-D2.

  Adventure have I ask’d for in this life,

  And now have I too much of my desire.

  My soul within me weeps; my mind, it runs

  Unto a thousand thousand varied paths.

  My uncle Owen and my aunt Beru,

  Have they been cruelly kill’d for what I want?

  So shall I never want again if in

  The wanting all I love shall be destroy’d.

  O fie! Thou knave adventure! Evil trick

  Of boyhood’s mind that ever should one seek

  To have adventure when one hath a home—

  A family so kind and full of love,

  Good, steady work, and vast, abundant crops—

  Why would one give up all this gentle life

  For that one beastly word: adventure? Fie!

  But soft, my soul, be patient and be wise.

  The sands of time ne’er turnèd backward yet,

  And forward marches Fate, not the reverse.

  So while I cannot wish for them to live,

  I can my life commit unto their peace.

  Thus shall I undertake to do them proud

  And take whate’er adventure comes my way.

  ’Tis now my burden, so I’ll wear it well,

  And to the great Rebellion give my life.

  A Jedi shall I be, in all things brave—

  And thus shall they be honor’d in their grave.

  [Exit Luke.

  SCENE 1.

  Mos Eisley, on the desert planet Tatooine.

  CHORUS Now, in her cell the princess doth remain,

  With hope and trouble written on her face.

  At times she faces torture, horrid pain.

  With these tools Vader seeks the rebel base.

  While Leia in her captive state is kept,

  Young Luke and Obi-Wan set on their way.

  Approaching town, they hope to intercept

  A pilot to transport them sans delay.

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI, LUKE SKYWALKER, C-3PO, and R2-D2, riding in landspeeder.

  OBI-WAN Mos Eisley spaceport. Never shalt thou find

  A hive more rank and wretched, aye, and fill’d

  With villainy. So must we cautious be.

  Enter STORMTROOPERS.

  TROOPER 3 I prithee, speak, how long hast thou these droids?

  LUKE ’Tis three or, mayhap, four full seasons now.

  OBI-WAN We are prepar’d to sell them, shouldst thou wish.

  CHORUS Now is the Force to noble purpose us’d—

  Not as the Sith, employing it to smite,

  Hath through the dark side rank the Force abus’d—

  Good Obi-Wan shall use the Force for right.

  TROOPER 4 Pray, show me now thy papers.

  OBI-WAN —Nay, thou dost

  Not need to see his papers.

  TROOPER 4 —Nay, we do

  Not need to see his papers.

  OBI-WAN —True it is,

  That these are not the droids for which thou search’st.

  TROOPER 3 Aye, these are not the droids for which we search.

  OBI-WAN And now, the lad may go his merry way.

  TROOPER 3 Good lad, I prithee, go thy merry way!

  OBI-WAN Now get thee hence.

  TROOPER 4 —Now get thee hence, go hence!

  [Exeunt stormtroopers.

  Enter JAWAS as OBI-WAN KENOBI, LUKE SKYWALKER, C-3PO, and R2-D2 dismount landspeeder.

  C-3PO O, how those Jawas vex me!

  LUKE [to Jawas:] —Get thee gone!

  [Exeunt Jawas.

  Now by my troth, I cannot comprehend

  How we those threat’ning stormtroopers did ’scape.

  Aye, verily, I thought our end was nigh.

  OBI-WAN The Force hath mighty power o’er the weak

  And simple-minded of this universe.

  LUKE Dost thou believe we shall therein, in yon

  Dank place, discover any pilot who

  Hath means to transport us to Alderaan?

  OBI-WAN A goodly crew of freighter pilots here

  May oft be found. But prithee, take good care,

  This small cantina hath an ill repute.

  LUKE I find myself prepar’d for ev’rything.

  OBI-WAN [aside:] The youth hath vigor—hopef’lly judgment, too.

  [They enter the cantina with many beings and an innkeeper.

  CHORUS Now mark thee well, good viewer, what you see,

  Such varied characters are on display!

  For never hath there been such company

  As in Mos Eisley gathers day by day.

  The creatures gather ’round the central bar

  While hammerheads and hornèd monsters talk,

  A band compos’d of aliens bizarre:

  This is the great cantina—thou may’st gawk!

  INNKEEP. [to Luke:] A word! Herein we shall not serve their kind—

  Thy droids! They must depart beyond these walls.

  LUKE [to droids:] Good friends, pray wait beside the speeder now,

  For we desire no conflict here today.

  C-3PO I do with all my heart agree, dear Sir.

  [Exeunt droids.

  Enter CHEWBACCA, speaking with OBI-WAN and two beings speaking to LUKE.

  BEING 1 Negola d’waghi wooldugger!

  BEING 2 —I say!

  He liketh not thy look.

  LUKE —Forgive me, Sir.

  [Aside:] Nor do I like his face, yet do I groan?

  BEING 2 I do not like thy look. Indeed, young lad,

  I bite my thumb at thee. Proceed with care,

  For we two men are wanted by the law.

  Aye, I have earn’d the penalty of death

  In many systems, and would gladly earn

  It here as well, if thou provoke me to’t.

  LUKE [aside:] I would, mayhap, be fearful if this man

  Hath even shoulder height on me attain’d.

  [To Being 2:] Tut, careful shall I be.

  BEING 2 —Thou shalt be dead!

  [Obi-Wan approaches.

  OBI-WAN Pray, peace, this little lad’s not worth thy time.

  Now come, let us be friends, my goodly Sir,

  Then shall we to thy health and welfare drink.

  [Being 2 strikes Luke; Obi-Wan brandishes his lightsaber, injuring Being 2 and severing Being 1’s arm. Exeunt Beings 1 and 2.

  OBI-WAN [aside:] I have no wish or purpose here to fight,

  Yet have these drunkards left me little choice.

  But there is yet a lesson to be learn’d:

  This Obi-Wan, though old, hath still the gift.

  [To Luke:] Chewbacca here doth service as first mate

  Upon a ship that may our purpose meet.

  Enter HAN SOLO, who joins CHEWBACCA, OBI-WAN, and LUKE at a table.

  HAN Han Solo at thy service, gentlemen,

  The great Millenn’um Falcon is my ship.

  My first mate Chewie telleth me ye seek

  Safe passage to the system Alderaan.

  OBI-WAN Aye, true, if ’tis a vessel swift of flight.

  HAN “A vessel swift of flight,” thou say’st? Hast thou

  Not heard of the Millenn’um Falcon, Sir?

  OBI-WAN [aside:] Now shall he boast. But if his ship we’d have,

  Some boasting we’ll endure. [To Han:] Nay, should I have?

  HAN ’Tis but the ship that hath the Kessel run

  Accomplish’d in twelve parsecs, nothing more.

  Imperi’l starships have I slyly ’scap’d,

  But nothing more of that. And neither do

  I speak about bulk-cruisers small, but vast


  Corelli’n ships, yet nothing more, no more.

  I shall not brag about her speed, good Sir.

  Suffice to say the ship shall fill thy needs,

  As she’s the fastest e’er. But nothing more.

  LUKE [aside:] Aye, nothing more, I wish he’d hold his peace.

  This man, it seems, doth love his ship far more

  Than ere I saw a man his woman love.

  HAN Pray tell, what shall the cargo be?

  OBI-WAN —Myself,

  The boy, two droids, and ne’er a question ask’d.

  HAN ’Tis what, a touch of local trouble here?

  OBI-WAN Nay, let us simply say it thus: we would

  Imperial entanglements avoid.

  HAN Aye, there’s the rub, so shalt thou further pay.

  Ten thousand is the cost, and ev’ry bit

  Shalt thou deliver ere we leave the dock.

  LUKE Ten thousand? Fie! We could our own ship buy

  For such a sum as this.

  HAN —A goodly jest!

  For who should pilot such a ship—shouldst thou?

  LUKE Thou knave, I could indeed! A pilot skill’d

  Am I in my own right. [To Obi-Wan:] Now should we stay,

  And be abusèd more by this man’s words?

  OBI-WAN Two thousand can we render to thee now,

  And fifteen more deliver when we come

  With safety unto Alderaan’s bright port.

  HAN Say, seventeen? Congratulations, men,

  Thou hast a ship secur’d, and we’ll depart

  Whene’er thou art prepar’d. Thou shalt find me

  At docking harbor number ninety-four.

  OBI-WAN Aye, ninety-four.

  HAN —It seemeth that thou may

  Already have provok’d some interest.

  [Exeunt Obi-Wan and Luke as stormtroopers pass by.

  CHEWBAC. Egh.

  HAN —Seventeen! So must they desp’rate be!

  This truly may my swift deliv’rance prove.

  Go thou unto the ship and be prepar’d.

  [Chewbacca exits.

  In times now past have I poor judgments made,

  And now these errors plague my very soul.

  For freedom I was made—for taking wing!—

  Yet as a markèd man I cannot fly.

  For bound by debts, by duty and by fear,

  I live my life along the razor’s edge:

  One part of me that hunts for better life,

  And one part hunted for the life I’ve led.

  My own existence is a paradox—

  A smuggler with a lover’s kindly heart,

  A gambler with a noble spirit brave.

  I would be better than it seems I am

  If ever I transcend the man I was.

  Perhaps this new employment shall reveal

  The way I shall make straight my crooked path—

  Thus heal my past and write a future new.

  Enter GREEDO, stopping HAN SOLO as the latter begins to exit.

  GREEDO Na koona t’chuta, Solo?

  HAN —Yes, indeed,

  Good Greedo, I have plann’d to make my way

  Unto thy Master. Tell thou Jabba plain:

  I have obtain’d his money.

  GREEDO —Soong peetch’lay.

  Na mala tram pee chock makacheesa.

  Na Jabba w’nin chee kosthpa murishan’

  Tutyng ye wanya yoskah. Heh heh heh!

  Na chas kee nyowyee koo chooskoo.

  HAN —’Tis true,

  Yet this time is the money truly mine.

  GREEDO Keh lee chalya chulkah in ting coo’ng koos’.

  HAN [aside:] This bounty hunter doth my patience try.

  [To Greedo:] Nay, nay, I have not money with me now.

  Tell Jabba—

  GREEDO —Ny’chi withi! Ayl garu

  Puyay enya aru gagu shuku

  Shunu pu’aa ipi.

  HAN —But even I

  From time to time have boarded been. Dost thou

  Believe that e’er I had the choice?

  GREEDO —Dro Jabb’.

  Na paknee abnya apna.

  HAN —Nay, not that:

  The day when Jabba taketh my dear ship

  Shall be the day you find me a grave man.

  GREEDO Nay oo’chlay nooma. Chespeka noofa

  Na cringko kaynko, a nachoskanya!

  HAN Aye, true, I’ll warrant thou hast wish’d this day.

  [They shoot, Greedo dies.

  [To innkeeper:] Pray, goodly Sir, forgive me for the mess.

  [Aside:] And whether I shot first, I’ll ne’er confess!

  [Exeunt.

  SCENE 2.

  Inside the Death Star.

  Enter DARTH VADER, GRAND MOFF TARKIN, and COMMANDER TAGGE.

  VADER The princess hath shown great resistance to

  The mind probe—’twere as if she knew the Force

  And hath a Jedi’s blood to overcome

  The piercing of her mind by a machine.

  Belike it shall some length of time yet be

  Until we can extract the thoughts therein.

  Enter ADMIRAL MOTTI.

  MOTTI The final tests are now complete at last.

  And thus my news: the Death Star stands prepar’d.

  Aye, fully operational it is.

  So, Governor, what course shall we now set?

  TARKIN Perhaps the stubborn princess shall respond

  To an alternative persuasiveness.

  VADER I prithee, Tarkin, say: what dost thou mean?

  TARKIN Pray patience, Darth—thou shalt my meaning learn.

  Now time it is the power of this Death

  Star shown to all shall be. Now, Admiral,

  Go forth and set thy course for Alderaan.

  MOTTI I understand thee, and with pride obey.

  [Exeunt Grand Moff Tarkin, Commander Tagge, and Admiral Motti.

  VADER The death of innocents doth bring me joy.

  Because the dark side is my chosen path,

  The senseless end of others pains me not.

  For I have play’d the part of judge severe

  And then have been the executioner.

  Why would I care for those on Alderaan,

  When I have murder’d innocents as they?

  ’Tis my dark calling, which I do embrace.

  To Alderaan we fly on course direct,

  And to this feast of death I’ll not object.

  [Exit Darth Vader.

  SCENE 3.

  Mos Eisley, on the desert planet Tatooine.

  Enter C-3PO and R2-D2.

  C-3PO I prithee, lockest thou the door anon!

  [They hide behind door.

  Enter STORMTROOPERS.

  TROOPER 5 This door is lock’d. And as my father oft

  Hath said, a lockèd door no mischief makes.

  So sure am I that, thus, behind this door

  Cannot be found the droids for which we search.

  And thus may we move on with conscience clear.

  [Exeunt stormtroopers. C-3PO and R2-D2 emerge.

  C-3PO I’ll tell thee true, I would with Master Luke

  Prefer to go than now remain with thee.

  I do not know what trouble here may be,

  Yet certain am I thou deserv’st the blame.

  R2-D2 [aside:] I’ll warrant, thou shalt have thy recompense!

  [To C-3PO:] Squeak, whistle, beep, meep, nee, meep, whistle, squeak!

  C-3PO Hold thou thy cursing and most cursèd tongue!

  Enter OBI-WAN KENOBI and LUKE SKYWALKER.

  OBI-WAN Thou must thy speeder sell.

  LUKE —That matters not.

  For ne’er shall I return unto this place.

  CHORUS Young Luke doth with a buyer swiftly meet,

  And in a trice a hasty deal is wrought.

  A speeder sold along a dusty street—

  But with the sale new chance for hope is bought.

  LUKE A paltr
y sum, in truth! Aye, ever since

  The XP-38 hath been releas’d,

  This model hath but little value. Fie!

  OBI-WAN Fear not—it shall suffice. ’Twill serve our need.

  [All stand aside.

  CHORUS Now while young Luke and Obi-Wan prepare,

  Their deeds are watch’d by eyes as yet unseen.

  With black beak menacing he spies the pair,

  Then comes another fiend with portly mien.

  Enter HAN SOLO with CHEWBACCA and JABBA THE HUTT with henchmen.

  JABBA Ba’Solo! Hay lapa no ya, Solo!

  HAN [aside:] Now, marry, ’tis an unexpected scene.

  [To Jabba:] Aye, here, thou Jabba slimy and rotund.

  I have awaited long thy coming here.

  JABBA Boonowa tweepi. Heh, ho, ha!

  HAN —Nay, nay!

  Thou didst not think that I should run, didst thou?

  JABBA Na-Han mah bukee. Keel-ee c’leya kuk’h.

  Wanta dah moolee-rah? Muh wonkee chee

  Sa crispo Greedo?

  HAN —Next time thou dost wish

  To counsel hold with me, pray come thyself!

  Send not thy churlish dismal-dreaming knaves.

  JABBA Han, Han. Make-cheesay. Pa’sa tah nay

  Ono caulky malia. Ee youngee

  D’emperiolo teesaw. Twa spastik’

  Wahl no. Yanee dah poo noo.

  HAN —Nay, see here!

  As I have said before—O verily,

  ’Tis though I just have said thus—even I

  From time to time have boarded been. Dost thou

  Believe that e’er I had the choice? [Aside:] Aye, true,

  It sometimes seemeth I repeat myself.

  [To Jabba:] Now have I, though, a simple charter found,

  And soon as it is done, thy payment shall

  Be done as well—belike with interest.

  I need but time and I shall do it, Sir.

  JABBA Na-Han ma bukee. Bargon yanah cot’

  Da eetha. See fah luto tweentee, ee

  Yaba na—

  HAN —Nay, say thou not so much.

  Fifteen percent, I’ll warrant, shall be well.

  JABBA See fah luto eetheen, ee yaba ma

  Dukey massa. Eeth wong che coh pa na

  Geen, nah meet’ toe bunk’ dunko. Lo choda!

  HAN O Jabba, thou wert e’er a kindly soul.

  JABBA Boska!

  [Exeunt Jabba and henchmen.

  OBI-WAN —Now if yon ship is truly fast,

  As quick as this Han Solo boasted so,