Burn Out

by Ruthi Kight

  Burn Out

  Ruthi Kight

  Table of Contents

  Dedication

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Note from the Author

  Special Thanks

  About the Author

  Dedication

  To my mother, JoAnn. May your soul find the peace and freedom that it so often craved. You are forever in my heart and your memory will live on until the end of time.

  Chapter One

  “Tell me, Ms. Adair, how are you feeling today?” Dr. Jenkins queried as she crossed her long legs, tucking her Gucci-clad feet to the side. With her perfectly smooth blonde hair and vibrant green eyes, she had always appeared cold and distant. And she was. There was nothing about the woman that screamed “tell me your deepest, darkest secrets”. I had always thought therapists were supposed to be warm and soothing, but that assumption went out the window a long time ago.

  Smoothing the wrinkles from her linen skirt, her fingers fluttered restlessly as she avoided all eye contact with me. She was more unsettled today than normal, which caused me to worry. Nothing could ruffle this woman. She and I had done this dance a thousand times. This was her normal routine. Twice a week, for the past ten years.

  “Same as always,” I replied. My gaze didn’t waver as I threw mental daggers at her. She had been the bane of my existence during my formative years, and I was counting down the days until I could tell her what I really thought about her.

  I had many journal entries detailing those thoughts. Most of them littered with words that would make a sailor blush.

  She seemed to expect my answers to change each time I sat in that pretentious chair across from her. I doubt she really wanted to know how I was feeling. The pain that ripped from my throat every morning when I woke up from my recurring nightmares wasn’t what she wanted to hear. Every night, I saw that fateful night repeating, over and over again, and I was never able to change what had happened. Instead, I had been paying for my mistake for ten long years.

  No, she didn’t want to know that. She wanted me out of her hair as much I wanted to be out of it.

  “Today will be our last session. Is there nothing that you would like to talk about? No final admissions that you would like to get off your chest?” Her smug tone caused my hands to twitch. They ached to grab hold of her throat and squeeze, until she took her final, shallow breath.

  I shook my head and grinned. “Let’s just cut the crap, shall we? I know what you want me to say. You’ve been dying to hear me say it since I got here.” I cleared my throat, intentionally pausing for dramatic effect. She leaned forward in her chair, her attention focused solely on my next words. “I. Did. Not. Intentionally. Kill. My. Parents.”

  She stood abruptly, her face turning a bright shade of red. “Fine, Delia. You can take the truth with you when you walk out of those doors tomorrow.” Her back was turned, her eyes staring out the windows behind her chair. When she turned to face me again, there was a conspiratorial look on her face. “You think I don’t know about the nightmares? Do you really think those are going to get any better when you leave? What happens when you no longer have your medicine? Because that will happen…eventually.”

  Bitch. She had been monitoring me again.

  I stood up slowly, squaring my shoulders as I took a careful step forward. “That sounds an awful lot like a threat. Tell me, Doc, do you make it a habit of threatening those that you’re supposed to be helping?”

  Locked in a battle of wits, we stared each other down. I could feel my body temperature rise with each passing minute. Her eyes were dead; lifeless. As my father used to say, the lights were on, but no one was home. Figures, I would get stuck with a real nut job. And people thought I was crazy…

  Dr. Jenkins finally broke contact, which caused a victorious smile to spread across my face. This wasn’t our first battle, but hopefully, it would be our last. “It’s been nice knowing you, Doc.” I walked away from her, essentially turning my back on the enemy, but I couldn’t bring myself to care at that moment.

  “Where will you go? You have nothing, Delia. No one. No place to call home. Nothing.” I could all but hear the glee in her voice, but I refused to give her the satisfaction of a reaction.

  I gave her a one finger salute and walked out of her office. As I made my way down the long, white hallway, back to my cell of a room, I couldn’t help but think about what she had said. As much as I didn’t want to admit it, she was right. I had nowhere to go, no family to run to…absolutely nothing. Where would I go? How would I survive?

  This was the part that no one ever spoke about. What happened once you had paid the Piper? Once you were deemed cured. Did they set you out on your ass, with only the clothes on your back? Did they help you find a place to go? Maybe a shelter?

  Dozens of people had left before, but few returned. Whether or not they needed to...well, that was a different story altogether. The ones who did were in no shape, mentally, to tell anyone what they had experienced when they walked out those doors.

  The white walls that surrounded me began to close in and press down upon me. When I had first arrived at Sunny Shores Rehabilitation Center, I had felt like a caged animal. There was no feeling of safety, or security, within these walls. Only fear and pain. That feeling of fear hadn’t crept up on me in quite some time, but today it decided to rear its ugly head once again. Pulling in a deep breath, I tried desperately to control my panic-filled body.

  Panic attacks were nothing new to me, but this felt different. Stronger.

  My pulse was racing, my brow covered in sweat, and my limbs began to feel heavier than normal. The beginning of a blackout was only moments away and there was no one around to help me. In that moment, I knew what life would be like on the outside. There would be no one to turn to, no one to rely on. As the blackness took over, I had one final thought: I am alone.

  ***

  “Can I have your blanket?” Ashley, my roommate, asked. With her wild red hair and dark brown eyes, I had always thought that she looked more like a wild version of little orphan Annie. I had made the mistake of calling her that when we met a few years ago, after which, she planted her fist directly in my eye. After that incident, we were inseparable. Odd, I know, but for those of us locked up in the nut house, that’s just how things went.

  Friends in this place were few and far between, so when you found one worth being around, you held on tight. Even if that friend had a serious sailor’s mouth, and spewed obscenities at the drop of a hat. Without her, I wouldn’t have had such a hard time speaking like a lady.

  If it wasn’t for her, I would have spent my days in my own version of Hell, a kind of personal solitary confinement. There was nothing worse than being surrounded by other people, but having no one to talk to. It could drive anyone to lose their shit.

  “Yeah, whatever. Keep what you want,” I replied as I continued to shove my sparse wardrobe into a grocery bag. After my blackout that morning, Ashley wouldn’t leave my side. I think I freaked her out pretty badly this time.

  She knew that I was panicking about leaving, but at the same time there was a huge part of me that was dying to be free again. To be able to walk to the ocean and put my feet back in the warm Atlantic waters. To feel the sun’s rays beat down upon my lily white skin. Sure, I had been outside quite a few times since being locked up,
but it was sorely lacking in ambiance. No waves, no sand...no fun.

  With the blanket now wrapped around her bony shoulders, she stood and walked over to me. She grabbed a strand of my long, brown hair and began to wrap it around her finger. She had always had a thing for my hair, especially now that it was incredibly long. It was my eyes that always freaked her out. According to her, my eyes were such a dark blue that they were almost black. The only time you could tell they were blue was when my medications finally wore off each night.

  By the time I was able to get to a mirror to find out what the hell she was talking about, I was being medicated once again.

  “I’m gonna miss you. What will I do when they stick some crazy bitch up in here with me?” I looked up at her, finally meeting her eyes. Her tone was that of a joke, but I could tell that she was really having a rough time accepting that I was leaving.

  “Be nice. You might actually like whoever has the unfortunate luck of being your new roomie.” I smiled as she bumped me with her shoulder. “Seriously, please promise me that you’ll be good. I don’t wanna have to get my ass locked up again, just to check up on you.”

  “I make no promises.”

  “You never have.”

  I finished my packing, throwing my last few possessions into my bag, and then turned to find Ashley asleep on her bed. The blanket I had just given her was wrapped around her, her knuckles white from tightly clutching the cloth. With a heavy sigh, I walked to the door. I glanced back at her one more time, and then walked out.

  My appointment with Director James was only a few minutes away, so I made my way to his office. The hallway was alive with the screams of my fellow crazies, but I ignored their cries of rage. At least that’s what I imagined them to be. What else would they be feeling after being locked away in this bleak building? No color, no semblance of normal life…just emptiness.

  Keeping my head down, I continued to the other side of the facility where the main offices were. Safely tucked away from the likes of me, and the other freaks I called friends. They believed themselves to be above us, able to judge us. That much was known just from the way they would never make eye contact with you when you got near them. It was as if we were less than human.

  No longer worth their time, regardless of the fact that we were humans as well.

  Just thinking about their indifference to our lives made my blood boil. Anytime I pondered their responses, I began to lose control of my emotions, which usually led to more medication, as well as the numb feeling that had seemed to permeate my life since coming here.

  They preferred their patients blissfully unaware. Either through heavy medication, or complete loss of brain function...it didn’t matter to them.

  With a heavy knock, I listened at the door to Director James’ office. The wait was short, as I heard his voice call out to me. Opening the door slowly, I braced myself for what was to come.

  “Have a seat, Ms. Adair.” He waved me forward, directing me to the metal chair in front of his large wooden desk. I had been in his office many times, but every time I approached his desk, I made sure to avert my eyes. I had made the mistake once of glancing at the pictures on his desk. The next hour was spent listening to his lecture on maintaining a professional distance and blah blah blah.

  The dickhead actually thought that I wanted to stalk him. Puh-lease.

  “What can I do for you today?” He leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms across his broad chest. For an older man, he wasn’t bad to look at. His short brown hair, cut close to his scalp, gave him an all-business look that was meant to be intimidating. His eyes, a weird mix of green and blue, were the only distinguishing features of this man. Without those eyes, he would probably still be considered handsome, but with their addition…he was almost other-worldly.

  “What happens tomorrow?” I sat down as the words spilled from my mouth. My legs immediately began bouncing.

  “You leave us.” He cocked his head to the side, studying me. “Isn’t this what you have been wanting since the first day you came to us?”

  I nodded and wiped my hands on my pants. “I know that I’m leaving…what I want to know is, what happens to me once I leave?”

  “That is completely up to you. You will be given a small amount of money and a ride to the bus station. It’s standard protocol for our facility.”

  “So, I’m left there…by myself? What the hell am I supposed to do after that?” I shook my head as anger clouded my brain. Determined to get myself under control, I took a few steadying breaths. “What about my medications? How am I supposed to get those?”

  While they had kept me in a zombie-like state, I didn’t think that I would be able to function without them. I had no idea how I would act or react without them. Would I be able to control my...tendencies?

  A weary look passed over his face as he ran his hand over his head. “You will be given a prescription for your medications, but it will only be enough for a short amount of time.” He let out a sigh. “Look, I know this all seems unfair, but that’s the way it is. Once you leave here, you’ll have to figure out what happens next.”

  “Unfair? Are you serious? It’s bullshit! That’s what it is!” I stood up quickly, the small metal chair wobbling behind me. “I’ve been here half my life. I have no idea how to…I have no one…dammit!”

  He stood and walked around his desk, stopping a foot away from me. I could tell that he was sorry; the weariness was evident on his face, but there was nothing he could do. At least that’s what he kept saying.

  That’s what everyone said. Nothing that could be done when I was sentenced to this place. Nothing that could be done when I fought to get out. My life was full of absolutely nothing.

  He opened his mouth to speak, but I cut him off. “Save it. Your pity doesn’t mean shit right now. I’ll figure out what to do, I always do.” I turned away and walked to his office door. Placing my hand on the knob, I could see my fingers were shaking.

  “Be ready to go by seven thirty tomorrow morning. That’s when the shuttle leaves. Dr. Jenkins will be by your room tonight to go over the paperwork you have to sign for your release.” I nodded and opened the door. I slipped through and let it fall closed, the latch clicking into place with a finality I didn’t think I would ever feel. The life that I had known was over. Tomorrow would bring reality crashing down upon my head.

  At that moment, I had no idea what I would do, but I knew I had to be smart about it. The pittance that they would give me wouldn’t last long. Being stuck in Sunny Shores wasn’t particularly helpful either. It was a small town, with barely over five thousand residents. How was I supposed to blend? I hadn’t shown my face in town since that fateful night when my entire life crashed down around me.

  Would people remember me and what they claimed that I did?

  ***

  That night, as Ashley and I settled into a comfortable silence, I waited for Dr. Jenkins to show up. She was running late, which wasn’t shocking by that point. The past decade had been filled with our bickering back and forth. Both of us tried to be subtle when we pissed the other off. Because she had more resources, and more power, she usually won.

  When it came to our relationship, there had never been any love lost. She was sneaky, underhanded and cunning, but she also underestimated what I was capable of.

  A soft knock at the door roused me from my musings. The door opened and in stepped the good doctor, her smug smile firmly in place. Would she still be so smug if I were to let my fists loose upon her face?

  Oh, how I craved the release. Maybe finding a gym once I was discharged would be my number one priority.

  “Well, Delia, the time has come. Once we fill out this paperwork, you’re officially released. Any questions before we begin?” She made her way to my bed and sat down at one end. I tucked my legs underneath me, trying to get as far away from her as possible.

  “I do have one question.” I smiled at her and leaned forward. “When I see you on the streets,
will you still be so fucking cocky?” Her face paled, which only spurred me on. “Out there, you never know what can happen.”

  She suddenly stood and hugged her clipboard to her chest. “You do realize that I can recommend that you not be released, don’t you?” I didn’t know that. Shit. When I didn’t respond, she continued. “Now, let’s go over your paperwork. I have to ask. Would you still consider yourself a pyromaniac?”

  Her words slapped me down. I hadn’t heard that term in a long time. I had pushed it out of my mind, pretending that it wasn’t attached to me like a warning beacon, broadcast to prevent others from coming too close.

  My mind began spiraling, sending me right back to the night my parents died. Their screams were still fresh in my mind, even after all those years. My body broke out in a cold sweat. I felt like I was falling, the feeling overtaking my senses. Drawing breath at that point was pointless. I couldn’t feel my body, even though I knew I was still in it.

  The one memory that I had to relive every night was now came crashing down in my waking moments.

  “I’m going to need you to answer my questions, Delia. If you don’t, then you will be required to stay here.” At that moment, I couldn’t have spoken, even if I had wanted to.

  “Leave her the fuck alone, bitch!” Ashley’s rant was muffled as it fought its way through the roaring of flames that were making their home in my mind, and filled my ears.

  The bright glow of our home, flames licking their way from the front door to the shingled roof. The smell of my childhood as it burned from the inside out. The smoke that billowed from every opening, the shattering of glass…it was all so fresh, as if it had just happened.

  I was no longer in that room. I was ten years old, standing on the freshly manicured lawn, soot covering my body. Watching as everything I had ever loved went up in flames. My body, convinced we were back in that moment, began to sputter and heave, desperate for a lungful of clean, crisp air.

  In the back of my mind, I knew I had to get it together or they would lock me up for good. But getting back was harder than it sounded. Terror that had its claws in me and was dragging me towards the flames. Towards my eternal ruin.