by L A Cotton
But I felt it.
I knew the truth.
And it made my blood run hot, for more than one reason.
Zach didn’t take the bait though. Instead, his lip curled with disgust. “Nice? A kiss isn’t supposed to be nice.” One of his hands found its way to my throat.
He’d never touched me this way when we were younger, and I couldn’t help but wonder if he wanted to hurt me, dominate me, or both. Either way, I was completely at his mercy when he held me like this.
“A kiss is supposed to set your body on fire...” He leaned down, letting his lips ghost over mine. Another shudder rolled through me. He was too close... too everything.
Zach had always had a way of completely disarming me, but, back then, it felt mutual. It felt like I affected him as much as he affected me. Now, I wasn’t so sure. He was jealous, yes, but did he really want me still? Or was it just his caveman instincts coming to the surface?
“A kiss is meant to be a promise of things to come.” He kissed the corner of my mouth, and I let him. Because nothing... nothing would ever feel as good as Zachary’s kisses. I knew Josie wouldn’t understand. She wanted me to give Joel a chance, and maybe he was the wise choice here.
But I’d never had much of a choice where Zach was concerned.
I’d fallen for him without warning. Slowly and then all at once. Being with him was as easy as breathing. Even after he’d broken my heart, I still watched him from afar. Loving him. Wanting him. My love never diminished, but over time, it had twisted and turned into something rotten.
Even when he’d returned to Bay View last Halloween, I’d been powerless against him. Just as I was powerless now. Maybe it made me weak… a fool… my own worst enemy. But Zachary Messiah wasn’t only imprinted on my heart, he was entwined with the very fiber of my soul.
“What are you doing, Zach?” I finally found the courage to speak.
“You kissed him,” he said coolly. “Do you want to kiss him again?”
“Does it matter?”
“I told you to stay away from the team, sweet pea.”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do, Zach. You lost that right a long time ago.”
His hand remained at my throat, his thumb stroking back and forth. I wasn’t even sure he was aware that he was doing it. Zach tipped his head back and inhaled a ragged breath. Torment rippled off him, turning the air around us thick and heavy.
I needed to go. I needed to slide out from between the tree and his hard body and go... but we both knew I wouldn’t.
It was decided the second he pulled me into the shadows.
“Zach.” I reached for him, tentatively running my hands over his shoulders. A low groan rumbled in his chest. “Maybe we should talk about what happened back then.”
He froze, his eyes snapping to mine, and the expression he wore turned dark and menacing. “You think I want to talk? I don’t want to fucking talk. I want you gone, Calli. This... you and me being here together. It isn’t going to work. I can’t walk away from the team so you should go.”
“Go?” I asked incredulously, trying to keep the hurt out of my voice. “I’m not going anywhere. This is my college, my future. If you can’t accept that, then that’s on you.”
Go?
He wanted me to... go.
How dare he.
Anger unfurled in my stomach, spilling over like hot lava. “You’re a real asshole, do you know that?” My eyes narrowed with indignation.
Zach’s narrowed right back, the two of us glaring at each other, unwilling to surrender. I realized then that there would be no walking away. So long as we both went to SU, so long as our paths continued to cross, we would continue to butt heads.
“I could make life very difficult for you, Calli.” His breath fanned my face, and I caught the faintest whiff of something sweet.
It was a girl’s smell. Her perfume or lip gloss.
The thought hit me square in the stomach.
“Did you really kiss that girl like that to get back at me?”
His eyes flared, but then he smirked. “She was hot.”
“Yeah, sure, keeping telling yourself that.”
“Jealous, sweet pea?” He leaned in further, caging my body against the tree. It was dark, the shadows shifting around us. There’d been a time we had bathed in the light, but not anymore. Now we belonged in the darkness.
He flicked his tongue over my bottom lip, eliciting a moan from deep inside me. My body was fickle. She didn’t care that Zach had hurt me over and over. All she cared about was the feelings he evoked. Feelings that distracted me from the loneliness, the bitter sting of abandonment.
It didn’t make sense to want the thing that continually hurt you. But my brain wasn’t wired correctly where Zachary Messiah was concerned.
Maybe it never had been.
He pulled away, chuckling. It wasn’t a light sound, it was dark and twisted, full of wicked intent. “Just how much would you give me right now?” His knuckles glided down my cheek. “Would you let me slide my hands into your panties and finger fuck you? Or maybe you’d drop to your knees and open those hot pouty lips for me?”
“Fuck you,” the words tore from my throat.
“That can be arranged.” Challenge glittered in his eyes.
The air crackled between us. The invisible rope tethering us pulled so taut, it was at breaking point.
A beat passed.
We stared at one another, suspended in time.
Then the tether snapped.
“Fuck it,” Zach rasped before diving at me, kissing me so hard the air whooshed from my lungs. He plunged his tongue deep into my mouth, tangling it with my own. It wasn’t a kiss... it was a siege. A battle of the wills. One I was losing.
My fingers curled into his jersey, pulling him closer. Pushing him away. I didn’t know, my head at war with my heart. This was wrong on so many levels. I could still taste Joel, and Zach still had the girl’s lipstick smeared over his lips, but I didn’t care.
In that moment, nothing mattered other than Zach kissing me and never letting go.
“Fuck, Calli,” he breathed the words against my mouth, still kissing me. “Why does this feel good? Why does it always feel so good?”
We weren’t kids anymore. Zach was all man, his body a sculpted work of art. Lean muscle stretched over a broad frame. I felt his abs contract and ripple underneath my hands. And despite my recent weight loss, my body had grown into that of a young woman. His free hand traced down the flat of my stomach, desperately seeking out warm skin. He found it, dipping his hand under my tank top. The second his fingers touched my stomach, a whimper crawled up my throat and spilled from my lips.
“So fucking needy,” he said, sending another shiver through me.
I didn’t want to be needy, I wanted to be strong. But wasn’t being strong allowing yourself to take something you needed?
At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.
Joel’s kiss had been nice, toe-curling even, but it wasn’t like this.
Zach kissed me like he was starved. Like nothing would ever taste as good as my lips. It was addictive. Dangerous. It was like being set on fire and scorched alive.
After living in the cold for so long, I welcomed the burn.
My head swam with mindless thoughts. The slight scratch of his stubble across my chin. The bitter taste of beer on his tongue. His hard length pressed up against my stomach, teasing me. The way his hand felt wrapped around my throat, intimidating yet possessive.
Zach tore away, inhaling a ragged breath as he stared down at me. “The things I could do to you.” Wicked intention glinted in his eyes. “But first, let’s see if Joely boy manages to get you wet from just a kiss.”
My breath caught as he pushed his big hand into my shorts and found my center. “That must have been some kiss, sweet pea, you’re soaked.” He pressed a finger inside me, teasing me. My head fell back against the tree trunk as I smothered a moan.
God, why did
it feel so good?
Why did the lines between love and hate make everything so confusing?
I hated Zach, I did. But part of me craved him. It craved his kisses, his touches, but most of all, it craved to know he still cared. Part of me needed to know our love, everything I’d felt back then, hadn’t been a lie.
“You’re so fucking tight, Calli.” He worked another digit inside me, letting his thumb circle my clit. Zach leaned down, pressing his brow against mine and pinning me to the tree. His eyes glowed in the dark as he watched me unravel.
“Did you imagine it was me?” he whispered against my lips. “Did you imagine it was my lips owning you, my tongue in your mouth?”
“Z- Zach,” I breathed, rolling my hips against his hand, desperate for more. But he pulled away, leaving me cold.
Zach nipped my lips, taunting me. “Tell me, Calli. Tell me again how it was kissing him?”
“It was nice.” It came out small.
“Nice?” He moved his mouth to my ear, pressing his thumb down hard on my clit. It wasn’t enough to make me come, but it was enough to make me cry out. “And how does it make you feel when I kiss you?”
His eyes slid back to mine, smirking.
“It hurts,” I admitted. It hurts in the best possible way.
Surprise flashed over his face, but he quickly schooled his expression. And then he said, “Good, it’s supposed to,” before diving at me again.
Our teeth clashed and tongues fought as Zach gave me what I needed—what I wasn’t supposed to want. His fingers weren’t gentle or kind, they were rough and cruel, but it only made me hotter. My legs began to tremble as I clung onto his body. I tried to bury my face in his shoulder to stifle my involuntarily moans. But Zach pinned me there, watching through hooded eyes as I fell apart piece by glorious piece.
“Oh God...” I panted, unable to catch my breath as waves of intense pleasure rushed through me.
“Not God, sweet pea,” Zach kissed the words on my mouth. “Messiah.” He brought his fingers to my lips and ordered, “Suck.”
I opened willingly, completely under his spell. I knew I’d regret it. I knew the second Zach dismissed me and we went our separate ways, shame would burn through me.
But in that moment, I didn’t care.
“Good girl,” he drawled. “Next time you think about putting your lips on some other guy, remember who owns this pussy.” He cupped me over my shorts in a disgusting display of ownership.
“You’re a pig,” I snarled, the spell broken, and his dark laughter filled the air.
“You weren’t complaining a minute ago when I had my fingers deep inside you.”
“I won’t play your games, Zach,” I repeated my words from before, knowing it was a lie. He already had me entangled in his web and I knew if I wasn’t careful, I’d be unable to escape.
“No?” He stepped back, rubbing his jaw. “So what was that? Some lame assed attempt at reverse psychology?”
“Is that what you think?”
His eyes narrowed and I knew our moment was over.
“You were jealous,” I said, stepping up to him, the anger vibrating through my body smothering the lingering ripples of pleasure. “You couldn’t stand seeing Joel kiss me, so you followed me out here and—”
“Damn right, I didn’t fucking like it. He’s my teammate. I don’t need you barging in and ruining the season because Molineux has got a boner for you.”
Feeling emboldened, I leaned up on my tiptoes and pressed a single kiss to his jaw. “Keep telling yourself that.”
And then I walked away.
Zach didn’t follow me, but I didn’t expect him to.
By the time I reached my room, I was shaking. God, he made me so mad. But he also made me feel, and that was the problem.
Aside from my mom and Madison there had been one other person in my life who had made me feel loved.
Zach.
No matter how much he hurt me, it was hard to just switch that off. Especially, when he was walking around campus acting so jealous and possessive all the damn time. I knew guys brains were wired differently. I knew they could want a girl without really wanting them. And I knew this thing between us was a game I couldn’t ever win. But after Mom died, something inside me had changed. The hole she left in my heart never quite healed. It was a permanent scar. The pain and grief never went away. It just lived under the surface, waiting for the next trigger.
Part of me wondered if that’s why Zach hadn’t mentioned my mom. If he was saving me from the heartache of reliving the moment she left me… or if he genuinely didn’t care.
Either way, it stung.
Exhausted, I changed into my pajamas and grabbed my cell phone to text Josie.
* * *
Me: I’m just about to go to bed. I hope you enjoyed the kissing booth.
* * *
Josie: Joel has not stopped talking about you. That kiss was epic... But I noticed Zach was missing too. Wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?
* * *
Me: See you tomorrow xo
* * *
It wasn’t that I wanted to lie to her, but I didn’t want to get into right now either. My past with Zach was complicated. It was also clearly unfinished. And until I figured stuff out with him, I couldn’t lead Joel on.
Before she replied, I sent another text.
* * *
Me: I’m going to tell him. He deserves to know, and it should come from me.
* * *
Josie: I think you’re right. He’ll be cool about it, you’ll see. Night xo
* * *
Josie: p.s. Keep your secrets, Calliope James, but if you ever want to share them, you can trust me. I promise.
* * *
As I climbed into bed and switched the light off, plunging the room into darkness, I smiled. Josie was a good friend. But weren’t good friends supposed to tell you when you were making an epic mistake?
Closing my eyes, I drifted off to sleep with only one lingering thought...
Maybe I’d keep some of my secrets a little longer.
Zach
I’d fucked up.
I shouldn’t have followed Calli from the party. And I definitely shouldn’t have pulled her into the shadows and made her come undone like that.
But she was under my skin.
An itch that no matter how hard I tried to ignore it, I needed to scratch.
She was different—harder around the edges somehow. Her fire was an unexpected trait and for as much as I hated it, I couldn’t deny it got my blood pumping.
Calli didn’t look at me and see the star player, she saw me. Zachary Messiah. The boy before all that.
It was disarming.
She disarmed me.
I wasn’t the same boy as I was back then. But she still knew me. She knew who I was before I became... this.
There was something comforting about it too, though.
It was fucking confusing.
I let myself into my apartment and kicked the door shut behind me. I could still taste her on my lips, hear her breathy moans as she came.
Calli was stunning.
It was wrong that something so beautiful could be so deceitful.
I forced down the memories. Nothing good could come from going there. We weren’t kids anymore, and I was older and wiser. I wasn’t a naïve boy, seduced by empty promises and a pretty face.
Grabbing a bottle of beer from the refrigerator, I dropped onto the stool and chugged it down. She made me fucking crazy. But Calli was right. Seeing her kiss Joel had lit a fire inside me.
I might not have wanted her anymore, but I sure as shit didn’t want him to have her either. He was a good guy. The kind of guy that would treat her right.
The kind of guy she could fall in love with.
My fist clenched.
Love wasn’t real. It was a lie people told themselves to feel better. Love didn’t make a person strong, it made them weak. It made them vulnerable.
If you weren’t careful, love had the power to ruin you.
A knock at my door made me groan. There was only one person who would turn up at my apartment this late, and I really didn’t want to deal with Victoria.
“What?” I barked as I yanked open the door.
“Nice to see you too.” She raised a brow, barging past me.
“Come in, why don’t you?” I mumbled, mentally noting to talk to my neighbor about them leaving the front door open for anyone to waltz into the building.
“Where did you get to?”
“I wasn’t feeling it.”
“We need to be strong, Zach.” She ran her finger along the edge of my breakfast counter. “People expect us to—”
“I’m here, aren’t I?”
I’d left San Diego State and transferred to SU. I’d taken Declan’s position on the team. Taken his friends and reputation too.
It was messed up. The way Coach and the guys and my parents thought this was the best way to honor Declan. I wasn’t him. I was never going to be him. But I did it for an easy life. Because Timothy Messiah was not a man that accepted no for an answer.
“The team needs you,” she said around a tight smile.
“The team think they need me. They have other point guards, Vic. I’m not—”
“But you are. After what happened with Maverick last year and now Declan, it’s too much. They need hope, Zach. They need to win. You of all people should know that.”
Me of all people?
Because Victoria knew me so fucking well.
She only knew this Zach. The Zach after.
“If you only came over to bitch at me, you know where the door is.” I flicked my head to the hall.
“You know, sometimes, you’re a real asshole,” she hissed. “You’re not the only one grieving, Zach. I love him too.”
Bitter laughter rumbled in my chest. She was so far off the mark it was laughable. She’d lost her boyfriend, her future husband, the future father of her kids.