Bear With Me

by Jessica Redland

  ‘Stop trying to control everything. Leave it. Leave me. NOW!’

  ‘Here’s the taxi,’ I said to Sean as we stood on the front doorstep of Bear’s Pad ten minutes later. ‘Quickly fasten your laces.’

  He looked up from where he was bent over his trainers. ‘Why am I going to Auntie Rachel’s? I’m not meant to be seeing Eden until tomorrow.’

  Good question. But not one with an easy answer.

  Finishing his bow, he stood up. I cuddled him to my side and hoped he couldn’t feel me shaking. ‘I need to go out, Sean-Paws, and Mum isn’t feeling well so Auntie Rachel said she’d have you for a few hours. You don’t mind, do you?’

  He shook his head. ‘I like it there. Mum doesn’t feel very well most days.’

  ‘I know, sweetheart, I know. But she’s got some tablets and some nice doctors looking after her. It’s just a bit difficult for her.’

  ‘I heard her shouting at you. She never used to shout.’

  I nodded as I squeezed him more tightly. I had no words of comfort and, even if I had, I couldn’t speak. I gently pushed him in the direction of the taxi, which had now pulled onto the drive behind Mum’s car. I’d texted her to say I was going out and dropping Sean at Rachel’s. I’d seen her phone on her bedside cabinet and figured she had more chance of seeing a text than a note downstairs. I hadn’t dared open her door and tell her. I also hadn’t dared take her car. Using some of Dad’s inheritance money to get a car of my own was going to have to be a priority for the following day. Assuming I wasn’t catching a train back to London.

  ‘How about I take you bowling this afternoon after all?’ I said, as the taxi backed off the drive.

  Sean beamed at me. I hadn’t made Mum happy, but at least I could make my brother happy. He put his headphones in and concentrated on a game on his DS during the short journey to Rachel’s so I grabbed the opportunity to send a text:

  * To Sam

  I don’t know whether you need me this morning or not but I need you. Had a horrendous run-in with Mum just now and I don’t know what to do. I’ll be at Blue Savannah from ten. If you can’t make it, I understand. I’ve already asked far too many favours from you xx

  * From Sam

  I’ll be there xx

  It was shortly after ten when the taxi driver dropped me off near Blue Savannah. We’d already taken Sean to Rachel’s where I’d quickly briefed her on my disastrous morning.

  I paused and breathed in the sea air as the taxi driver pulled away. Despite being the penultimate day of October, it was warm and sunny, with a light breeze. North Beach was already busy with children on scooters, families on bikes, dog walkers, and babies in buggies, all making the most of the last weekend of half term.

  Sam was coming out of the bar as I approached, carrying what looked like a coffee and an enormous hot chocolate piled high with cream. He placed them down on a metal table and waved at me.

  ‘I thought it was a bit early for a pint of beer,’ he said, gently kissing me on the cheek after I’d taken the steps onto the terrace, ‘but it’s never too early for a pint of hot chocolate. I hope you like it with cream and marshmallows.’

  ‘It’s perfect. Thank you.’

  We sat down, facing the beach. I dipped my finger in the cream and licked it. Yummy. ‘Have you been to–?’

  ‘Not yet,’ he interrupted. ‘I will, though. The last time I was here in Blue Savannah was with Nikki. It doesn’t feel as strange as I thought it would.’

  ‘Did you come here a lot?’

  ‘Pretty much every time we went surfing. We liked to warm up with a coffee or chill out with a beer. They’ve usually got a couple of decent real ales on tap. They also do great pub grub and an amazing full English.’

  I nodded. ‘I brought Scott here for a full English the first time he stayed. Being on the road so much, he samples loads of breakfasts but even he admitted they did the best he’d ever had.’

  We sat in silence for a moment, lost in our memories.

  ‘So,’ Sam said. ‘You’ve got your pint and I’ve got my listening ear ready. What happened with your mum?’

  ‘It was awful, Sam. Absolutely awful…’ Somehow I managed to explain without crying.

  ‘And, to top it all, she thinks my Dad’s still alive,’ I said, after I’d relayed the incident. ‘There were two definite present tense comments about him. I don’t know what to do.’

  Chapter 29

  Sam

  I wished I could reassure Jemma. I wished I could get her to laugh it off. Say something like, “Forget about it. She’d obviously woken up in a bad mood. I’m sure she’ll be fine once she’s had some more sleep.” But I couldn’t give her those reassurances. It didn’t sound fine at all.

  Instead, I tried a different angle. ‘Dr Steadman said that things were “inconclusive” with your mum?’

  She nodded. ‘Can you believe that? His patient turns up at a house she hasn’t lived in for a decade and he says it’s “inconclusive”? I’m beginning to think that he’s got one of those degrees you can buy online cos he clearly hasn’t a clue.’

  ‘I never met him, but I can’t say I’m impressed. He shouldn’t be dragging his heels like that.’

  Jemma fished a marshmallow out of the bottom of her mug with her fingers. ‘I wish you were Mum’s consultant,’ she said, before popping the marshmallow in her mouth and licking her fingers. ‘Get him sacked and come back.’

  ‘I wish it was that easy.’

  Leaning forward in my chair, I watched the activity on the beach. In my immediate eye line, a pair of Spaniels were chasing each other in a circle, splashing through a pool of seawater, a Retriever was steadily destroying an abandoned – yet pretty impressive – sandcastle, and a toddler had broken lose from his parents and was making a beeline for the sea. All around them were more dogs, children, families, couples, all soaking up the winter sun on their faces, the feel of the sand beneath their feet, and the whisper of the breeze. I loved this place. What the hell had I been thinking, running away from all of this?

  I turned my attention back to Jemma. ‘What does your mum think of Dr Steadman?’

  ‘She can’t stand him.’

  ‘Do you think she’d agree to a consultation with me? Completely off the record?’

  Jemma’s eyes lit up. ‘You’d do that?’

  ‘I want to help. I shouldn’t interfere but you’re obviously not getting anywhere with him and I’m wondering if the outbursts from your mum might be partly down to frustration at not getting the support she needs.’

  She shrugged. ‘It could be.’

  ‘I don’t think it would be a good idea to do it today. Not because I’ve got plans because I could easily change those, but because I think your Mum needs a chance to calm down a bit and settle into a routine now that you’re home. How about I try to come up again next weekend?’

  Jemma’s eyes glistened with tears and she reached across the table and took my hand in hers, nodding. Poor lass obviously couldn’t speak. This was tearing her apart and if I could help, I wanted to.

  We sat for some time, still holding hands, watching over the beach. The silence between us was only perforated by the occasional burst of laughter, the cry of a child, a dog barking, a car horn beeping, and the clink of teaspoons.

  I watched Jemma in my peripheral vision, her lips moving slightly as though she was rehearsing a speech: what she was going to say to her mum, perhaps? Or maybe she was going over their fight again. What if she wasn’t thinking about her mum at all? What if she was thinking about Scott? She said she’d brought him to Blue Savannah. It certainly held plenty of memories for me, but they weren’t as painful as I’d expected. I turned my gaze beyond Jemma, to the steps in front of The Surf Shack where I’d first seen Nikki. The pain had definitely eased over the past few months, most significantly so since I’d opened up to Jemma about it
.

  The sun disappeared behind a large grey cloud and the gentle breeze picked up. Jemma shivered and tightened her grip on my hand.

  ‘Cold?’ I asked.

  ‘I wasn’t, but I am now,’ she said, nodding towards the cloud. ‘I could have believed it was the middle of summer a moment ago but now I can certainly believe it’ll be November on Tuesday.’

  ‘Fancy a walk?’ I asked.

  ‘Sure.’ She squeezed my hand. ‘Is it time?’

  I nodded. ‘It’s time, and I’d like you to come with me.’

  We walked down the steps in front of The Surf Shack and onto the beach. I took a deep breath.

  ‘Are you okay?’ Jemma asked.

  ‘I think so. I’m glad you’re here.’

  ‘After everything you’ve done for me, I wouldn’t be anywhere else.’

  My pulse raced as the rock pools came into sight in the distance. The sky darkened another shade and so did my mood as I re-lived our last moments together.

  I felt a tug on my coat sleeve. ‘You don’t have to do this,’ Jemma said. ‘You’ve already faced a lot of memories today. If this is too much…’

  Was it? I ran my fingers through my hair and interlinked them at the back of my head, holding them there with my arms pressed against the sides of my face and my head lowered. I took another deep breath then lowered my arms. ‘No. I can do this. I need to do this.’

  We continued towards the rock pools in silence.

  ‘Where was it?’ Jemma whispered.

  The sky darkened again as I pointed to a patch of beach a few feet away from the first rock pool.

  ‘I’ll wait here, shall I?’

  I nodded. Another deep breath. On shaky legs, I took the last ten metres or so to where it had happened. I reached the spot. I don’t know what made me do it but I looked up towards the sky and, at that exact moment, the clouds parted. A shaft of sunlight beamed down right on me and a feeling of calm flowed through me. ‘Nikki,’ I whispered, as the sun warmed my cheeks. ‘You’re here.’

  I turned in a circle on the spot, with my arms spread wide, soaking up the sun. As I turned, I saw Jemma standing a little way off with her hand over her mouth, staring up at the sky.

  ‘Goodbye,’ I whispered. ‘You go and catch some waves. Don’t worry about me. I’m getting there. It’s slow, but I’m definitely getting there.’

  A few seconds later, the sun disappeared behind a cloud again. She was gone. I stood there for a minute or so more, then returned to Jemma, smiling.

  ‘The sunshine…’ she said.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘It was beautiful.’

  I nodded.

  ‘I don’t know what your beliefs are,’ she said, ‘but it seemed like Nikki was there for you.’

  I indicated that we should set off walking back towards Blue Savannah. ‘I thought that too. I believe in science, but I’ve seen events – miracles if you like – that medicine and science can’t explain so there’s a part of me that believes it doesn’t just end.’

  ‘I’m the same. I don’t think I believe in God, but I believe in something.’

  We walked in silence and were soon amongst the activity.

  ‘How are you feeling now that you’ve visited the spot?’

  I stopped walking and looked back towards the distant rock pools, before turning to face Jemma. ‘Like I’ve just taken another enormous leap forward.’

  ‘That’s good to hear. I was worried it could go the other way.’

  ‘So was I! No, it was good. It was the best thing I could have done. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’ve avoided North Beach since it happened, and maybe that was the right thing for me at first, but I don’t need to do that anymore. We spent so much time here that I keep thinking of all the good times rather than that day. Even on the day it happened, I can think of good memories because…’ I glanced back down the beach, thinking about the events of that morning.

  ‘Because what?’ Jemma asked.

  I turned back to her. ‘Nothing. Ignore me. Anyway, it was thanks to you that I came here today.’

  ‘Me? I didn’t do anything. You’d already decided to come. I pretty much gate crashed it after my crisis with Mum.’

  I smiled. ‘It was the thought of you moving home that made me realise how much I missed this place, which then prompted me to phone my mum. As soon as I’d decided to come home, visiting the spot was the obvious thing to do and you gave me the strength to go through with it. Thank you.’

  ‘Stop it! You’ll make me cry again!’

  I put my arms out towards her and Jemma eagerly accepted the hug. She wrapped her arms around my waist and put her head against my chest. ‘You did an amazing thing today,’ she said.

  It genuinely felt as though I’d been floundering in a tunnel and had finally made it to the light at the other side, thanks to Jemma. I gently kissed the top of her head, and closed my eyes as I held her closely.

  ‘Well, well, well. The delectable Dr Jones has finally come home.’ My eyes snapped open at the sound of her voice. ‘Hello, gorgeous.’

  ‘Kirsty,’ I said through gritted teeth. Why hadn’t I thought about it? It was Sunday morning and Kirsty always walked her Nana’s Poodle along the beach on a Sunday when she wasn’t working. Bloody typical that I’d bump into her.

  ‘This is Eduardo,’ she said, pawing at the dark-haired bloke next to her while the Poodle yapped and tried to jump up at me. ‘He’s Italian. Can’t speak much English, but talking’s overrated, isn’t it? Aren’t you going to introduce me to your friend?’

  Jemma had moved out of the hug but I kept my arm around her shoulders, feeling as though I needed to protect her from the viper in front of us. ‘Jemma, Kirsty. Kirsty, Jemma.’ I wasn’t going to expand on it.

  ‘Ah! So this is Kirsty,’ Jemma said. ‘You’re not at all how I imagined you. I thought you’d be wearing doggy ears, a collar, and a lead.’

  The smile slipped from Kirsty’s bright red lips for a brief moment and, much as I wanted to laugh and cheer at Jemma’s witty comment, I knew that Kirsty was about to fire back with something bitchy.

  Turning her attention to me, Kirsty grinned. ‘After you ran away to London like a scared little boy, we all thought you were going to pine for surfer girl forever. Looks like we were wrong. You obviously didn’t give a shit about her after all, given that you’ve moved onto a new one so quickly. What would Nikki say, knowing that you were being unfaithful to her memory so soon? Tut tut.’ She shook her head. ‘Don’t think much of the replacement either, but you never could handle a real woman, could you?’

  She was clearly waiting for a response, but I wasn’t going to rise to it. She looked Jemma up and down and sneered, then threw a seductive look at me. Pathetic. I turned away, making her tut.

  ‘Come on, Eduardo, let’s dump the mutt then go home and you can show me again why they call you the Italian Stallion. Bye, losers.’

  ‘I’m so sorry, Sam,’ Jemma said, as my arm slipped off her shoulder. ‘I shouldn’t have said anything.’

  ‘You weren’t to know how she’d respond.’

  ‘I could have guessed based on what you’d told me. After this morning’s incident, you’d think I’d have learned when to keep my big gob shut and… and now I’m wittering again instead of shutting up. Sorry.’

  I turned and looked back down the beach towards the rock pools. Bloody Kirsty. Five minutes ago, I’d felt so elated. But now…

  I turned back to Jemma. She looked up at me with those big blue innocent eyes of hers and I swallowed hard. ‘I’d better get to my brother’s for lunch before they send out a search party. Do you need a lift anywhere?’

  She didn’t answer for a moment and I knew my brusque tone had hurt her, but I couldn’t say it was alright, because it wasn’t. Maybe I could have laughed it off but the proble
m was that Kirsty had been so close to the truth. As I’d kissed the top of Jemma’s head, I’d imagined tilting her face towards mine and kissing her properly. It had been just for a fleeting moment but, in that moment, Nikki was nowhere in my thoughts. It hadn’t even been a year and I was already thinking about kissing someone else on our beach. How could I do that to Nikki?

  ‘I might stay here on the beach for a bit longer,’ Jemma said. ‘I can’t face going home just yet. Thanks for the offer, though.’

  I should have insisted she let me take her home, maybe even go inside with her and make sure her mum wasn’t going to have a go at her again. But I couldn’t. I needed to get away from her and make sense of the turmoil of emotions inside me.

  ‘If you’re sure?’

  ‘I’m sure. Enjoy your meal,’ she said.

  I turned and headed towards the steps by The Surf Shack.

  ‘Hey,’ Jemma called.

  With a thumping heart, I turned around to face her. The clouds broke again and the sun shone down, reflecting off her hair and face. She looked absolutely stunning and my heart raced as I stared at her.

  ‘You did an amazing thing today,’ she said. ‘Don’t let what Kirsty said overshadow that giant leap you took.’

  It took every ounce of strength I had not to run back to her and take her in my arms. Instead, I nodded, turned back round, and did my usual trick: I ran away.

  Chapter 30

  Jemma

  I watched as Sam disappeared into the distance, swamped by the throng on the promenade. That went well. Not. Well, I couldn’t stand in the middle of the beach forever, but I couldn’t go home either, unless… I checked my phone. Nothing from Mum. No texts. No missed calls. Nope, I definitely couldn’t go home.

  Wandering up to the serving hatch of the ice-cream parlour wedged between Blue Savannah and The Surf Shack, I ordered a takeaway coffee, then sat on the wall overlooking the beach. I pulled a make-up case out of my bag. Some people always had a Kindle on them and others were practically welded to their phone, digging it out at any moment of downtime. Instead, I always had a project with me. Hand-sewing the tiny limbs of a bear always managed to de-stress me and I seriously needed de-stressing right now.