‘Ooh, domestic,’ Karen said a few minutes after we’d passed the group. Some way ahead of us was the dark silhouette of a tall man striding down the beach away from a woman. He kept stopping, turning round, saying something to her, then walking off, but she chased after him every time.
‘Shit! Did you see that?’ Karen said. ‘I think she pushed him over.’
The man lay flat on his back on the sand and, next moment, the woman straddled him.
I grabbed Karen’s arm and pulled her to a stop. ‘I hope they’re not about to have a quickie. What should we do?’
‘Take photos and post them on Twitter?’ she suggested. ‘Kidding!’
The next set of steps off the beach were a little way past the couple. The ones behind us were unapproachable thanks to a large pool of water at the bottom of them.
‘We’ll have to creep past them,’ I whispered.
The man flipped the woman over and straddled her instead. She let out an excitable squeal. His voice carried on the wind, but not clearly enough to make out any words. Moments later, he stood up.
‘Either that was super quick or he’s not interested,’ Karen whispered.
I stifled a giggle.
He put out his hand to her but she lay on the sand, propped up on her elbows.
We were close enough now to make out their conversation.
‘Last chance,’ she called to him.
‘It’s over,’ he said. ‘It was over before I met Nikki and it will never start again. Go home, Kirsty. Leave me alone. Please.’
My heart raced. Oh my God! Sam and Kirsty.
‘You’ll regret turning me down,’ she shouted.
‘I’ll learn to live with it.’
He turned away, looking down the beach… straight at Karen and me.
Chapter 40
Sam
I blinked my eyes and stared again at the two women standing a couple of feet away from me.
‘Jemma?’
She nodded uncertainly and I watched her eyes flick to the side. Shit! Kirsty!
‘It’s not what it looks like.’ I cringed as soon as the words left my lips. Isn’t that what everyone says when they get caught in a compromising position?
‘Aw, isn’t this lovely?’ Kirsty appeared by my side. ‘New girlfriend meets ex girlfriend again at the shrine to the dead girlfriend.’ She placed her hand on my shoulder but I pushed it off.
‘Jesus, Kirsty! Leave me alone.’
‘You weren’t saying that five minutes ago,’ she purred.
‘Yes I was.’ I faced her and my heart sank when I saw that she still had her top undone. I shook my head and looked at Jemma again, my stomach churning at the look of disgust on her face. ‘I can explain.’
‘There’s no need,’ she said.
‘There is! We haven’t… I wouldn’t… She threw herself at me.’ I knew that I sounded like a little kid caught with his hand in the sweetie jar.
‘I know,’ Jemma said. ‘We saw what happened and, even if we hadn’t, I know you, Sam. You’re not that bloke.’ She turned to Kirsty. ‘You, on the other hand, are that woman. I have no idea what Sam ever saw in you and after tonight’s little episode, I bet he doesn’t either. You should be ashamed of yourself. Have you no respect?’
Kirsty planted her hands on her hips. ‘You don’t know me.’
‘No, and I never want to,’ Jemma said, before Kirsty could say anything else. ‘Come on, Karen. Bye, Sam.’
She linked her arm with her friend and stormed past us towards the steps.
‘Thanks a lot,’ I said to Kirsty.
‘You’re welcome,’ she said, grinning, as though she’d done me a big favour.
‘You don’t get it, do you?’ I said.
‘Get what?’
‘Any of it.’
‘What I don’t get is why you’d choose her over me. What’s she got that I haven’t got?’
I put my fingers out, about to reel off a list, when it struck me. What the hell was I doing? The woman I loved was walking away from me and I was wasting time with a woman who I despised.
‘Me,’ I said, turning away from Kirsty. ‘She’s got me.’ And if I’d blown it, I’d do whatever it took to make up for it. I sprinted along the beach without giving Kirsty a backwards glance.
Jemma and Karen had reached the top of the steps and were heading along the promenade in the direction of the Sea Rescue Sanctuary.
‘Jemma!’ I cried, taking the steps two at a time. They both turned around. ‘I’m so sorry.’
She shook her head. ‘It’s not your fault. I could tell what she was like the first time I met her and I know this was all her tonight. Forget about it.’ She gave a weak smile then turned away again.
‘Jem! I need to talk to you.’
She turned to face me again. ‘Not tonight, eh, Sam? It’s been a tough day for us all.’
Her shoulders were slumped and she looked so sad. Something else had happened; something bigger than witnessing Kirsty’s pathetic little seduction routine just now. ‘Has something happened with your mum?’
Jemma sighed. ‘No. It’s not Mum.’
I took a step closer to her, fighting hard against the temptation to throw my arms around her and protect her from whatever new pain she was facing.
‘What is it?’
Jemma opened her mouth to speak, then shook her head and smiled weakly. ‘Nothing. Just some unexpected news but it’s not important at the moment. This is Karen, by the way.’
We exchanged polite hellos. Then silence. Jemma kept her eyes down, kicking at a piece of seaweed with the toe of her boot.
‘Well, this has been lovely, but Jem’s keen to get home to her mum,’ Karen said. ‘Maybe you could give her a call tomorrow, Sam?’
‘Yeah. Of course.’ My arms twitched to hug Jemma again, but I managed to stop myself. It wasn’t the right moment. ‘I’d better let you go. Sorry again. About everything.’
Jemma nodded and gave me a weak smile again, then turned and headed away with Karen.
I sat down at the top of the steps. What an evening. Whilst the party had been grim, the episode with Kirsty and the situation with Jemma had just eclipsed it. Why was everything always so complicated?
After about ten minutes, I heard footsteps and someone sat down next to me. ‘I’m sorry,’ she said.
‘Go away, Kirsty. I’m really not in the mood.’
She didn’t move. ‘I don’t know why I do it.’
‘Neither do I. But it’s how you are and I don’t think you’ll ever change.’
‘That’s a bit harsh.’
I swivelled round. ‘Is it Kirsty? Really? Maybe it would be harsh if you had some deep psychological issues that made you act the way you do. I dunno. An unhappy childhood, perhaps. Sibling rivalry. An ex who’d hurt you so badly that you were afraid to try another proper relationship. But there’s none of that, is there?’
She shook her head. ‘Nothing like that. I can’t seem to help myself. I see a man I like the look of and I just want to f–’
I put my hands over my ears. ‘I’m not listening!’
Kirsty nudged me and I lowered them. ‘I won’t continue,’ she said.
‘Good. Now go back to Jeremy and leave me alone.’
‘I can’t. Jeremy’s gone. I hadn’t fastened my buttons right and I had sand all over my back. Didn’t take him long to work out what I’d been up to. Didn’t like him much anyway. He was a bit posh and boring.’
‘Then go home. Alone.’
‘Fancy sharing a cab?’
I shook my head. ‘No. Not with you. But I’ll put you in a cab to make sure you get home safely.’
Fifteen minutes later, Kirsty’s cab pulled away, but not before she’d tried to kiss me again several times. She was incorrigible. I dug my phone out
of my pocket to send Jemma a text, but she’d beaten me to it.
* From Jemma
I know today will have been tough for you and I don’t want you to end it thinking I’m angry with you. Although I wish I hadn’t seen what I saw on the beach, I know it was all Kirsty and you were trying to get away from her. I’d like to see you before you go back to London. Could you meet me tomorrow lunchtime? I’ll be at work but I can probably take 45 mins if I take a later lunch at 2pm. Can you meet me then on the benches at the end of Castle Street?
We’d talked about meeting on the evening. Clearly she didn’t want to, and I couldn’t blame her. I wanted to call her back, or ask more questions, but I could almost hear the exhaustion in her tone. She just wanted a text reply.
* To Jemma
I’ll be there xx
With a heavy heart, I made my way slowly back to Mum and Dad’s, unable to shake the feeling that I’d lost Jemma. Not because of what had happened with Kirsty, but because of all the false starts. I should never have told her how I felt. I should have let the friendship build, I should have been there for her, I should have let the anniversary pass, and I should have taken those baby steps I’d been taking since the wedding that wasn’t, instead of that stupid great bloody leap of faith.
As I lay down to sleep, all I could picture was Jemma’s sad, weary face.
Chapter 41
Jemma
Bear With Me was busy. Saturdays generally were but this one was extra busy thanks to the start of the Christmas season. The Christmas lights had been put up around town ready for the official switch-on the following weekend. During the week, Annie and Liv had decked out the shop with a tree and strings of fairy lights. We’d taken delivery of a range of Christmas-themed bears and they had pride of place in the window display and on a tiered display in the centre of the shop. People were definitely starting to shop for Christmas. Fortunately, the steady stream of customers kept my mind off the conversation I needed to have with Sam.
Mum squeezed my hand and wished me luck when I left Bear With Me shortly before 2.00pm. I stepped out onto Castle Street and took a deep gulp of sea air. Sarah opened the door to Flowers and Gifts at the same time, her arms full of small bouquets of flowers. She smiled and nodded at me across the throng of shoppers on the pedestrianised street. It was so tempting to cross the cobbles and strike up a conversation with her instead, but I couldn’t keep Sam waiting. Things needed to be said.
With a flutter of nerves in my stomach, I turned right to head to the benches at the end of the street. What a gorgeous day. If it wasn’t for the slight nip in the air, I could have believed it was the middle of summer thanks to the cornflower blue sky with wispy clouds that floated lazily towards the sea.
Sam was there already, sitting on one of the benches in the small park area, staring out towards the sea below. My stomach fizzed and my heart sang at the sight of him, his blond hair being tousled by the slight breeze. He turned around and smiled warmly. ‘Jemma! Hi.’
‘Hi, Sam. How are you?’
He indicated for me to sit beside him. ‘Better for some fresh air,’ he said after I sat down. ‘I might have drunk too much yesterday and I paid for it this morning.’
‘You didn’t seem drunk when I saw you on the beach.’
‘There’s nothing like your psycho ex trying to seduce you to sober you up.’ He shook his head. ‘I’m so sorry that you saw that. You do know that nothing happened, don’t you?’
I nodded. ‘I know. She’s a beautiful woman, though. Must be pretty hard to say no to her.’ I bit my lip. I hadn’t meant to say that. I sounded jealous.
Sam laughed. ‘Believe me, saying no was easy. Getting her to hear and accept it? Not so easy. Besides, she’s only beautiful on the outside and, even then, it’s only with her make-up on. Not like you.’
My heart raced as he gazed at me intently. I felt my cheeks colour and had to look away.
‘Aside from Kirsty-gate, how was the anniversary? Was it sad?’
He thought for a moment. ‘No. Not sad. Until the beach hut thing, it was a great day that Nikki would have loved.’
He told me about his sunrise surf, his relaxing morning with his mum, spending the afternoon in the pub with Stevie and Rob, and then the awkwardness of the party, being paraded around a load of strangers.
‘Sounds horrendous,’ I said. ‘I wonder why they invited so many people, especially when you didn’t know any of them.’
He shrugged. ‘I think it got a bit out of control and they lost sight of the bigger picture. Do you know what I kept thinking the whole time I was there?’
‘I’m a neurologist, get me out of here?’
He laughed loudly. ‘Love it! Other than that.’
‘I don’t know. How much you wished Nikki and the baby were there with you?’
Sam cocked his head to one side and half-smiled at me. ‘Stevie, Rob and I talked a lot of gibberish in the pub yesterday, but we had some really good conversations too about our pasts and bad things that have happened. Steve pointed out that Nikki and the baby are dead and nothing’s going to bring them back, and I should stop acting like a part of me died with them. What I actually kept thinking about last night was how much I wished you were there with me.’
‘I don’t think that would have been very appropriate.’
‘Who says? Where’s the rule book that dictates how long you have to grieve for and when it’s appropriate to introduce the woman you love to the parents of the person who died?’
Oh. My. God! Had he just said he loved me? Did it make a difference, though? I still had to tell him what I’d planned to tell him. Was it possible to feel both elated and sick at the same time?
‘Did you hear what I said, Jem? I know I’ve screwed things up with us, telling you I cared then running away again. I keep doing that. Things get tough so I run away instead of facing them. Nikki would have been disgusted with me. We used to play this game called, “What would Thor do?” If we had a problem or a challenge, we’d ask that question. The idea, of course, was to come up with something crazily superhero-ish but there’d be some sensible suggestions in there too. In this case, Thor would have accepted that love and life can be snatched away in the blink of an eye and that, if we’re fortunate enough to find love again and an opportunity to live again, we should take it.’
‘What are you saying, Sam?’
‘I’m saying that I’ve treated you badly and I regret that but, if you’ll bear with me, I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. I promise that I’m not about to throw another wobbly. I promise that I’ve come to terms with losing Nikki and the baby. I promise not to run away again. I love you, Jemma. Will you give me another chance?’
I closed my eyes and breathed in and out deeply.
‘Jemma? Was it too much?’
I shook my head. ‘It was lovely. It really was. But the answer’s no.’
Sam stared at me for a moment before nodding. He looked out towards the sea again. ‘Did I screw up that badly?’
‘No! It’s not that at all. I want to say yes. I really do. It’s just that… Well, there’s practicalities for a start. I live here and you live in London. I know you don’t like it there but you yourself said that your job is there and there’s no vacancies up here. I spent 18 months having a distance relationship with Scott. It was really hard but I did it because I loved him and trusted him. Then I found out he was married. It was so easy for him to deceive us because we both accepted that he was on the road so much. Neither of us imagined he was with the other on the days he was away. I trust you, Sam. I really do. Even if I hadn’t seen you walk away from Kirsty when she was half-naked and throwing herself at you, I’d have still trusted you and I’d trust you if we had a distance relationship. At first. But then the doubts would creep in. What’s Sam doing during the week? Who’s he out with? Are they really just friends? I do
n’t want to become that person. I can’t become that person. It would break us apart. I’ve never been the jealous suspicious type but I think I would be now, thanks to Scott. You know what it’s like getting over your partner’s infidelity. You had that with Kirsty. You knew you couldn’t get back with her because you’d be asking those same sort of questions.’ I chewed on my thumbnail. ‘I’m sorry, Sam, but I can’t do it.’
A sudden gust of wind whipped my coat hood up over my head. Sam leaned forward and gently pushed it down again. I held my breath and closed my eyes as his hand brushed past my cheek. I wanted to turn my head into his palm and kiss his hand, but I had to stay strong. I had to finish this. He lowered his hand again and I released my breath. ‘Thank you,’ I said.
‘You’re welcome. I can add hood lowering to my list of services.’
‘You’re very good at it.’ He held my gaze and my stomach fizzed again. Damn it!
‘Am I right in thinking that, if I didn’t live in London, you’d give me a chance?’
‘It’s not that simple.’
‘It could be. You know I want to move back, but there’s no job for me to return to. I’ll keep looking, though. I’ll come back eventually.’
‘Eventually could be years away. And, well, the thing is…’ My voice caught in my throat.
Sam turned his body round so he was fully facing me. ‘What aren’t you telling me, Jem?’
My bottom lip started to wobble and I felt the tears pooling in my eyes.
‘Come here.’ Sam put his arms around me and held me while silent tears rained down my cheeks. ‘It’s okay. I’m here for you,’ he whispered into my hair.
When I’d calmed down enough to speak, I remained cuddled up to him. ‘I had an unexpected visitor yesterday. Scott’s wife.’
‘Shit! What did she want?’
‘To tell me that Scott’s dead.’
Sam pulled me closer to him as I told him about Fiona’s visit. We sat huddled together, staring out towards the sea, both of us knowing exactly how it felt when someone you loved died. Brutal. Absolutely brutal. I don’t know how long passed. Ten minutes? Fifteen? I reluctantly sat up. ‘I have to get back to the shop so Liv can go home.’ I stood up and Sam did too. ‘You see why it’s not that simple?’
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