by S E Zbasnik
“I was always scared of…!” Hayley shouted, but her cry faded to a whimper. She had been getting better. He even had her take Copper down the lane all alone once, and Hayley did fine. Mostly fine. The horse didn’t throw her at least.
But, seeing them again — the skull and swords — it dragged Hayley down into the always simmering fears turned boiling. The scabs were ripped clean off her brain, old poison oozing through her veins.
Finn eased closer, his hands parting as if they were about to grab onto Hayley’s sides. “Come on, just one quick—”
“I swear to God,” she shrieked, “if you try and throw me onto that horse I will punch your teeth out!” There was no joke in there, the laughter drowned in her internal screams as she raised her fist the way Gavin taught her. One hand back as protection, the other forward to swing; she was prepared to make good on the threat.
Finn blinked slowly at that, his tongue lapping over his lips as he thought back on his threat and hers. “Okay, yer nuttier than Trevor. Got it.”
“I am not!” She was creeping near tears. “I don’t want to get on that horse!”
Shit. She spun away from him, her arms crossed over her chest like a comforting hug as she gazed out over the courtyard. It was a warm day, the kind of spring afternoon where everyone should be skipping through the rising grass. But no, they were here, and death always followed their iron hooves.
“Hayseed?” Finn whispered and she shook her shoulder to try and throw him away. Last thing she needed was him making a mess out of her already screwed up life. “Well,” he slapped a loud hand to his thigh, “I need to take Cop out regardless of what you want. So…”
She didn’t turn to watch him mount up, her nails biting into her forearms. Be normal. Act normal. Be good. Be happy. Smile as if everything is great. No one wants to see an unhappy…
Wincing, Hayley finally glanced over her shoulder to watch Finn rustle through Cop’s mane. “Come on, ol’ girl. Let’s get those cobwebs out of your legs.” He picked up the reins but before giving a command to the horse under him, Finn said, “Ya know, you can come with if you like. Just a little jaunt out to Gravy’s stream is all I had planned. You done that one enough.”
He was laughing, trying to act as if Hayley didn’t suddenly spit venom at him like nutter Trevor. “No,” she faded deeper into herself, “I’ll stay here.”
“Okay,” Finn shrugged and clicked Copper out of the barn. With a held breath, Hayley watched him bob and weave in the saddle. He was barely clinging to the horse, trusting that she wouldn’t hurt him. For being such a pain in the ass, Finn was stupidly trusting all the time. Like he thought there was no bad in the world. Sometimes it made Hayley want to slap him just so she could shout, “Look, consequences. Bad shit happens for no reason!”
The great manor door squeaked through the dead air, and the only person who seemed to welcome the hunters with great arms stepped out into the spring day. Lady Bernadine leaned heavily on her cane, her skirts sliding along the ground as she took in a deep breath. Even Finn held up Copper while he turned to watch the Duchess, uncertain what would happen.
A clip of boots and chains caused Hayley to full body shudder, but her eyes wouldn’t turn away. The monster stepped out of the manor house, the one Hayley was rarely allowed into. He patted at his stomach and smiled. To him the Duchess turned, “How long do you think this search shall take, Officer Percival?”
The monster smiled. There should be blood gushing from his gums, but the teeth were sparkling against a pampered and clean face. “I hope not much. It is rare for one to wiggle its way out this long, your Ladyship. Almost makes me wonder if he might have help.”
“Oh,” Bernadine snorted, both hands gripping tight to her cane, “you can’t possibly think I or any on my staff would dare break the law and assist a wanted man.”
Percy’s flames for eyes cut across the courtyard, darted over the well, and landed straight upon Hayley. With great emphasis, he drew his tongue over his teeth as if polishing them, then smiled to show off the canines.
“Finn!” Hayley shouted a hand raised up as her body told her to run. The huge forehead swung around, trying to find its name. “I changed my mind,” she kept shouting as if to tell the world that she wasn’t alone. People knew of her, people remembered her. Even as Hayley turned her back on the slave hunter, she could still feel his greedy vision cutting her to pieces. “I’m going with you.”
It was easier going through the woods this time. Finn must have been taking Cop slower as Hayley barely had to dig out a cramp or huff in a breath as she ran behind. The bounce of her brain helped to keep her distracted, Hayley pulling in air without the stench of blood and bile, of burst intestines and rusted metal. It was peaceful here, calm. With her eyes slammed tight she could pretend that she was alone...
Okay, Finn kept making a weird sucking noise through his teeth and Cop adored whinnying whenever they drew close to a pine tree. Aside from that Hayley could imagine she was free.
“Here we go,” Finn called, no doubt more to her than the horse. Cop was already stomping towards the babbling brook, her mane shivering in the warm air as she reached for the water. “Wait, wait, let me get ya unhooked here.” Finn made quick work of tugging all the bridle bits off, the scrawny stableboy tossing the mess of reins over his shoulder.
Fingers dug deep into the coarse black hair piled over Copper’s side. Finn smiled so sweetly Hayley couldn’t tear her eyes away. He was a right ass nearly all the time, except when near the horses. Then it was all tender pets, sweet words, and that bravado knocked free. The fact even Hayley could figure it out made his whole charade that more idiotic. He wasn’t fooling anyone.
“So,” that other Finn rose back fast, his innocent lips slipping high to a smirk, “Hayseed. Ya ever gonna fill me in on why you hate horses?”
“No.”
“Come on, just a something. Copper here really wants to be your friend.” He patted the flank of the horse who clearly didn’t care about the conversation. She didn’t even lift her head from the stream while Finn spoke for her.
“You’re so full of it,” Hayley snorted.
“No, it’s true. Whenever Gringolet’s being saddled up, she bats her big brown eyes in your direction and hopes for her own attention.” He was snickering at the thought, but Hayley wasn’t having any of it.
“Copper wants me to look her way…or you do?” Her words were sharper than a headman’s axe, clearly intending to cut right through the target, but she winced as they came out. What would Finn care if she came or went? He was just trying to needle her was all.
The boy kept his face flush with the horse, patting and scratching along her neck before he stepped to face Hayley. Whatever sarcastic bite he had in there faded as he eyed up the scrawny squire. “Well, I…” A true blush burned on his cheeks and right over his forehead like a mono-color rainbow.
His mumbling faded, a hand scraping at the back of his already red neck when he glanced a higher from their shoes to Hayley’s head. “What about that cap?”
Instinctively, her fingers locked tight to her hat, trying to pin the frayed thing in place. “What of it?”
“You won’t tell me about the horse thing, so how about that? Sweet mother Mary, getting to know things about you is like drawing blood from a stone.” He sounded exasperated as if he would leap right back onto Copper and return to the estate — which was surrounded by slavers.
“It’s a hat,” Hayley said.
“That old chestnut again,” Finn rolled his eyes.
“And it was…it was the first thing I ever stole.” Her voice flattened deep into her chest, Hayley twisting away to stare at nothing but the wind knocking weedy grass against a downed log. Rot chewed apart most of the wood leaving a hole for bugs to climb into. “I know you know that I…what I do. Can do. Did do?”
She never felt bad about it. Doing what she needed to survive. Not like she’d go after people scrabbling by on only a few coins. For starters
that was a dumb risk. Also, cruel. But nobs with more gold than sense. Where was the harm if she got to sleep with a full belly for once and they had to go a day without a fancy new pair of shoes?
After a winter of people giving her askance glances, rot started to churn through her guts. Chips of her certainty that she deserved to steal began to dissolve in her stomach every time she felt a gurgle of shame. If pressed, she’d do it again, maybe without more than a single thought, but it’d feel different now.
If he was going to hate her, then so be it.
“Why that hat?” Finn whispered, shattering the silence that fell from her confession. She ran her fingers over the back, her grubby index one digging into a hole that grew larger each time she did that. “I mean, if I had to steal a hat it wouldn’t be one that looked like it was chewed apart by dogs and shat out.”
She didn’t even catch his name. Most wouldn’t speak theirs. Most assumed they’d get a new one once the ship landed and gave up caring. Gave up wanting to care. Fire licked up and down the coastline, broken boards floating into jagged rocks. Cold salt dug into every wound along her legs but she could stand. That meant she could run. Be free. The others thought the same, and like ants scattering from a rainstorm they dashed from the shattered ship out into the forest.
Shaking off the dark memory, Hayley muttered, “Didn’t have much choice.” She couldn’t stop digging into her arm, her hand hooked around the bicep like her palm formed a manacle. Hayley kept pulsing tighter and tighter, trying to cut off the blood until her fingers tingled. Wandering around the old fighting area, she dug her foot into a broken arrow shaft left lying in the dirt.
“It’s not a big thing,” Finn said, his voice almost whisper quiet as he stood weirdly both close and distant. His body was a good five feet away from her, but his stance was open. Arms dangled at the sides, feet planted wide, head up but weary. “We all kinda figured there was something up with you. Your hair screamed ‘been hurled into the clangers before.”
She flinched, a hand cupping to her longer but still shorn locks.
“Thought that might be why the hat, to hide it all, but if it’s a trophy…”
A trophy? Hayley grimaced and shook her head. That wasn’t it. That wasn’t why.
Tears budded in her eyes, colder than ditch water in winter. Finn’s sight darted up, but the moment he saw how close she was to openly bawling, his entire head jerked away. Hayley didn’t care. She turned to stare deeper into the forest, her breath coming in haunted spurts. Even knowing it was only birdsong and the water lapping over rocks on its way to the fields below, Hayley couldn’t cease hearing the jangle of chains.
“You wanna know why I hate horses?” her jaw moved without her brain. That was trapped under a pine tree, needles prodding into every grey crevice while her mouth had to talk. Had to tell someone. “Because I…” She gulped harder, unable to speak the words. It was an easy one. Even being incapable of reading she knew how to spot that one, how to decipher the five letters to keep herself safe. Free.
“Horses,” she said instead, barely aware there was anyone with her. “People were running, fleeing for their…running all over the place. We thought, they thought, I didn’t do much thinking. With so many of us, we thought we’d be able to scatter.
“We were wrong.”
Hooves stampeding not around the screaming, terrified people but through them. They didn’t care about capturing them alive, all they wanted was to make a statement — no one goes free. A man, old like a new grandpa, crashed to the ground. Reins whipped into his back and knees, keeping him pinned in place. He tried to roll onto his back, to stop the torture, to hide away the bleeding lacerations.
Which was when the horse with iron shoes stomped right through his guts. The first hoof ripped apart the skin, blood splattering into the frozen mud puddles. The second disemboweled him, intestines littering the ground while he kept…his mouth wouldn’t stop moving. He was alive watching as the horses, at the whims of their owners, slowly trampled his insides to paste.
And Hayley watched it all not even a foot away from under the clammy foliage of a pine tree. She didn’t think, didn’t have some master plan. Just fell in a rut, her shoe sucking deep into the mud. When the sound of chains clinking in the distance rose, everyone panicked. The little girl stuck in the puddle was forgotten. When an elbow struck her in the nose she went down, hard.
It wound up being her salvation. Icy water, frozen almost solid from the night’s breath, suckered to her legs but she didn’t make a sound. Needles perforated her back but she remained quiet. Her eyes were fixed upon the slaughter as hunters one by one rounded up their lost captives…and cut their bellies open. They didn’t leave a single one alive, save the skinny girl they missed. To keep from screaming, from crying for an eternity, she stared at that hat. The blue hat perched upon the dead man’s head.
She spent three days in that ditch, eyes closed tight, ears ringing with the sound of hooves, chains, and screams. By the time she realized she had to either move or die, her legs were blocks of ice. Bodies, still clothed in the rags of their masters, were scattered like leaves. They didn’t even care to bother with a burial, just left them for scavengers to pick clean. The wolves didn’t come, the vultures circled above marking the spot, but even they seemed spooked by the evil haunting that place.
With trembling fingers, Hayley plucked off the hat and stuck it on her head. She wanted to say something, a prayer or…or do right by them, but her entire body was burning from the frost. Her limbs were ready to give out and tumble her to the ground. All she could do was pick up his hat and go on. Survive.
“Are you saying…?” Finn prompted, shattering Hayley from her darkest memories. “That you’re a…or were a…?”
Her tongue lapped along her lips, the tears burning across her cheeks. She bobbed her head like the ship tossed upon the waves, but she couldn’t say the word. To do so would damn her. Damn him. Damn everything.
“But you don’t have the-the mark on your arm,” Finn pointed towards her pristine wrist.
“Ania told you,” Hayley threw on a forced smile even as she exposed her skin, which proved her to be a free person.
Finn dug deep into his shoulder. “She told me about what happened, was damn near panicked. Thought they might take her away for…ya know.”
Breaking the contract. “That was how I started,” she sputtered, stupidly confessing shit she should have buried ages ago. “At six, contracted for…I don’t think I even understood the years. A long time. I didn’t want to do it. I hated it. I ran. And they caught me. Went to burn the brand into my wrist but…oops,” Hayley shrugged as if it was all rather funny, “I was too skinny to fit it.” Had to have the brand of the master, or else where would they know who to return stolen goods to. Like a name embroidered onto a pair of underthings.
“So they put it elsewhere,” her voice darkened, her leg twisting inward as if she felt the pain all over again. The smell of burning flesh, bubbling hot and blistering pus when the iron was pulled away, filled her nose.
“I can’t…” A voice stuttered and Hayley turned to find the boy crumbling inward. A boy she didn’t know. A boy she couldn’t trust. A boy she just gave away the biggest secret of her life to. He could turn her in for a reward, march her straight to the hunters at the estate, and there was nothing no one could do to save her. Even if Gavin cared to, even if he thought she was worth a fuss, he was powerless against the right.
What did she do? What did she just do?!
“You better not,” Hayley snarled, rounding upon the boy shrunk deep into the neck of his coat. Finn lifted his head, confusion rising, but Hayley knew he could pretend, fake it all. Wrenching both her hands against the lapels of his open coat, she yanked him hard towards her.
It would have surprised her how easily she pulled him, but Hayley was beyond enraged. The terrified child inside wanted to punch and kick everything in sight, and the only one in reach was Finn. “You better not tell a god d
amn soul.”
“What?” Finn cried, his eyes widening even further as he stared into the blackened sight of the girl drained of all humanity. She was only anger, nothing more.
“You hear me! No one! If anyone knows…they’ll. Not a god damn person or I will kill you.” She meant it too. Even if they killed her in the process, even if… She’d do it.
“Hayseed…” Finn tried to smile it away, but she shrieked from the bottom of her soul and shook him. It was little more than a tremble of her arms, but it knocked that stupid grin right off his face. “Okay,” he held up both hands in surrender, “I swear, I won’t tell anyone that you were a—”
“Don’t say it, even now. Never ever say that word. Ever!”
“Fine, look. I’ll…I won’t. I promise, on my honor. Really,” Finn kept insisting as Hayley wouldn’t release him. “I ain’t a fan of the hunters. Most aren’t.”
Her rage shattered, the frozen grief washing over it. Opening her knotted fingers, Hayley stumbled back. “If that’s true then why do they get to ride around the country doing whatever they want?”
Finn made a show of wiping his coat clean, his hands patting where she touched him. She expected the boy to make a run for it, but he froze and the softest eyes she’d ever seen on a person beamed at her. “I really won’t let ‘em get you. Take you.”
Shuddering in a breath, Hayley could only bob her head to acknowledge she heard him at all. Why did she say anything? She spent almost her entire life keeping it quiet, and then… First stupid boy she spends more than a day with and it all comes spilling out. She was worthless.
“Were you really just six?” Finn asked. Hayley bowed her head deeper to her chest but didn’t answer. “What about your folks?”
Her eyes narrowed, Hayley glaring at him in confusion. “What of them?”
“Your parents didn’t try to rescue you from the hunters?”