The Confident Woman: Start Today Living Boldly and Without Fear
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All scripture quotations, unless otherwise indicated, are taken from The Amplified Bible (AMP). The Amplified Bible, Old Testament. Copyright © 1965, 1987 by The Zondervan Corporation. The Amplified New Testament, copyright 1954, © 1958, 1987 by The Lockman Foundation. Used by permission.
Scripture quotations marked “NKJV” are taken from the New King James Version. Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson, Inc. Used by permission. All rights reserved.
Scripture quotations marked “NIV” are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®. NIV®. Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984 by International Bible Society. Used by permission of Zondervan Publishing House. All rights reserved.
Copyright © Joyce Meyer 2006
All rights reserved.
Warner Faith
Hachette Book Group USA
237 Park Avenue, New York, NY 10017
Visit our Web site at HachetteBookGroupUSA.com.
First eBook Edition: September 2006
ISBN: 978-0-7595-6837-2
Contents
Introduction
PART I: The God-Ordained Gift of Confidence
Chapter One: Confidence
Chapter Two: Setting the Record Straight
Chapter Three: Does God Use Women in Ministry?
Chapter Four: Seven Secrets of a Confident Woman
Chapter Five: The Woman I Did Not Like
Chapter Six: Overcoming Self-Doubt
Chapter Seven: The Power of Preparation
Chapter Eight: When The World Says No
Chapter Nine: Are Women Really the Weaker Sex?
Chapter Ten: Steps to Independence
PART II: Living Boldly and Without Fear
Chapter Eleven: The Anatomy of Fear
Chapter Twelve: Fear Has Relatives
Chapter Thirteen: The Relationship Between Stress and Fear
Chapter Fourteen: Choosing Boldness
Chapter Fifteen: Winners Never Quit
Chapter Sixteen: Become a Courageous Woman
Chapter Seventeen: You Go Girl!
End Notes
About the author
TO Contact the Author in the United States:
Other Books by Joyce Meyer
INTRODUCTION
We’ve Come a Long Way (But We Still Have a Long Way to Go)
“A woman has to be twice as good as a man to go half as far.”
—FANNIE HURST
For most of the world’s existence, women have not enjoyed being respected properly, nor have they enjoyed their rightful place in society. Although much of that injustice has been corrected in the Western world, there are still many cultures in the world where women are terribly mistreated. This is tragic.
Women are a precious gift from God to the world. They are creative, sensitive, compassionate, intelligent, talented, and according to the Bible, equal to men.
God created man first—but quickly discovered he needed a helper. Not a slave, but a helper. He created a woman from one of Adam’s ribs and called her Eve. Note that Eve was taken from Adam’s side—from something close to his heart—not the bottom of his feet. Women were never intended to be walked on, disrespected, bullied, or belittled. Eve was created because Adam needed her. God said Adam was not complete without her. It’s the same today; men need women, and they need them to be more than a cook, housekeeper, sex partner, or baby-making machine.
Just to be sure that no one misunderstands my comment that Adam was not complete without Eve, let me state clearly that everyone does not have to be married to be complete. And, given that 43% of all first marriages end in divorce—and 60% of remarriages—it’s clear that marriage isn’t the be-all, end-all of a happy existence.1
While most people desire to get married and have a partner for life, God calls and especially enables many men and women to remain single all of their lives. Since this book is written especially to women, I want to say emphatically that as a woman you do not have to be married to enjoy your life and do great things. Just because most women get married, that does not mean something is wrong with you or is missing in your life if you don’t.
Men and Women: Working Side By Side
I believe that most women possess a sixth sense that God did not give to men. It’s often called women’s intuition, and it’s no myth. It’s the real deal. Here’s how it works: Men are usually very logical, while women tend to be more “feeling” oriented. For example, a male manager might look at a job candidate’s resume, job application, college GPA, and work history and be ready to hire him, based on the “facts.” However, this male manager’s female counterpart might be guided more by instinct, by “gut feel.” She might evaluate the same candidate and intuitively pick up on personality quirks or subtle-but-destructive attitudes that don’t show up on paper. This does not mean that women are innately better leaders than men or that their instincts are based on a special God-to-woman frequency that men aren’t tuned into. In fact, a woman’s emotions can also get her into trouble, and she frequently needs the left-brain logic of a man to help her see things clearly.
The point is that women and men need each other; they can complement one another—just like the male and female bosses in the example I’ve just given. Neither the man nor the woman saw the whole picture clearly or completely. That’s why men and women should work together, side by side in harmony, respecting one another as equals.
For the sake of order, God instructed that if a woman is married, she should be submissive to her husband. Now, I know that a lot of women don’t like that particular “s” word. But think of it this way: You can’t have two people driving a car at the same time, wrestling over the steering wheel and competing for the brake pedal. By necessity, one person has to occupy the driver’s seat. However, it was never God’s intention that women be dominated and made to feel as if their opinions were of no value. (After all, as my husband Dave will tell you, it’s great to have someone in the car who can sense when we’re lost—and isn’t too proud to stop and ask for directions!)
* * *
How Well Do You Know the World of Women?
A few recent nationwide surveys of women yield many intriguing revelations about women. Take the following True/False quiz to see how your experience and attitudes stack up with that of other women.
1. Most American women get adequate sleep every night.
2. Weekends are the only time women get a break from household responsibilities and chores.
3. Most remarriages don’t involve children.
4. Most moms say they spend more quality time with their kids than their own mothers spent with them when they were children.
5. The No.1 thing women wish they had more time for is exercise.
6. Most married women are satisfied with the amount of time they spend with their husbands.
7. Time for sex is the No. 1 thing women miss about married life before kids.
8. Most moms say their husbands are the kind of dads they thought they’d be.
9. Most moms say they—not their husbands—are the problem solvers in their families.
10. The vast majority of moms say they don’t have enough time for themselves.
* * *
* * *
Answers to “How Well Do You Know the World of Women?”
1. False. Only 15% of women get at least 8 hours of sleep a night.2
2. False. Half of today’s women spend their weekends doing chores and attending to other household responsibilities.3
3. False. 65% of remarriages involve children from previous marriages.4
4. True. 70% of moms say
they spend more time with their kids than their own moms did.5
5. False. 69% of moms wish they had more time to enjoy fun activities with their kids. Exercise was a close second—at 67%.6
6. False. 79% of women want more time with their husbands.7
7. False. Today’s moms miss time in bed with their husbands, but many more of them miss sleeping in (69%) than sex (22%).8
8. True. 56% of moms say their husbands are the dads they envisioned—although they confess that’s not always a positive thing. On the other hand, some of the 44% who gave the opposite answer note that their husbands have exceeded their dad-ly expectations.9
9. True. This answer might shock some men, but 60% of moms say they are the family problem-solvers.10
10. True. An overwhelming 90% of today’s moms yearn for more self-time.
* * *
Due to years of abuse and a wrong worldview toward women, many of us have lost the confidence God wants us to enjoy. Our society has an epidemic of insecure people in it. This problem causes great difficulty in relationships and is one of the reasons divorce is so prevalent today.
* * *
Ask 21st-century women, “How do you feel about yourself?” and many will confess, “I hate myself.”
* * *
Ask 21st-century women, “How do you feel about yourself?” and many will confess, “I hate myself.” Or, perhaps their opinion of themselves is not that severe, but they will admit they really don’t like themselves. Three factors contribute to this negative attitude.
1. A long history of men’s mistreatment of women has left many of us with vague feelings that we are somehow “less” than men. Less valuable. Less worthy.
2. Our world has created a false, unrealistic image of what women are supposed to look like and act like. But the truth is that every woman was not created by God to be skinny, with a flawless complexion and long flowing hair. Not every woman was intended to juggle a career as well as all of the other duties of being a wife, mother, citizen, and daughter. Single women should not be made to feel they are missing something because they are not married. Married women should not be made to feel they must have a career to be complete. If they choose to, that is wonderful, but we must have the freedom to be our individual selves.
3. Many women hate themselves and have no self-confidence because they have been abused, rejected, abandoned, or in some way damaged emotionally. Women need to experience a revival of knowing their infinite worth and value. I hope to help initiate just such a revival through this book.
During my childhood, I endured many years of sexual abuse. The abuse profoundly affected my confidence and the image I carried inside of myself. Inwardly I was very fearful, but outwardly I presented myself as a tough, bold person who couldn’t care less what others thought of her. I created a “pretend me” so no one would discover the “real me.” I was filled with shame and condemnation over something a man had done to me, and I must confess that for many years I held a rather low opinion of men as a result.
Today, however, I believe I am a well-balanced woman. I have a wonderful husband and four grown children. I am the president and founder of a worldwide media ministry that is helping millions of people find salvation through Jesus Christ, as well as freedom and wholeness in their lives. My husband, children, and I all work together in the ministry.
I have learned a lot on my journey about what “true confidence” is, and it will be my great delight to share with you anything I know that can help you be the woman God intends you to be. His desire is that you be bold, courageous, confident, respected, admired, promoted, sought after, and, most of all, loved.
God has a wonderful plan for your life, and I pray that reading this book will help you enter it more fully than ever before. You can hold your head up high and be filled with confidence about yourself and your future. You can be bold and step out to do new things—even things no man or woman has ever done before. You have what it takes!
PART I
The God-Ordained Gift of Confidence
Chapter One
CONFIDENCE
What is confidence? I believe confidence is all about being positive concerning what you can do—and not worrying over what you can’t do. A confident person is open to learning, because she knows that her confidence allows her to walk through life’s doorways, eager to discover what waits on the other side. She knows that every new unknown is a chance to learn more about herself and unleash her abilities.
Confident people do not concentrate on their weaknesses; they develop and maximize their strengths.
For example, on a scale of 1 to 10, I might be a 3 when it comes to playing the piano. Now, if I were to practice long and hard—and if my husband could put up with the racket—I could, maybe, transform myself into a middle-of-the road, level-5 pianist. However, as a public speaker, I might be an 8. So, if I invested my time and effort into this ability, I might just be able to get to a level 10. When you look at it this way, it’s easy to see where you need to invest your efforts.
The world is not hungry for mediocrity. We really don’t need a bunch of 4s and 5s running around, doing an average job in life. This world needs 10s. I believe everyone can be a 10 at something, but our problem is that we often work so hard on trying to overcome our weakness that we never develop our strengths. Whatever we focus on grows larger in our eyes—too large, in fact. We can turn something into a huge problem when, in reality, it would be a minor nuisance if only we viewed it in perspective with our strengths. For example, let’s say you are not a “numbers” kind of person. You struggle to figure out a 15% tip at restaurants, and your checkbook hasn’t been balanced since 1987.
You could obsess about your inability to “do the math.” You could buy Math for Dummies and other books on the subject, and maybe even take a class at the community college. But your math obsession could eat up time that could be devoted to stuff you’re great at—like teaching Sunday school, creative writing, or raising funds for charity. In other words, you might rob time and effort from the 10s in your life just to bring a lowly 3 up to a mediocre 5.
Wouldn’t it be much better to delegate the math stuff to someone else? Use an online bill-paying system that has built-in ways to catch errors or overdrafts? And you can always ask your dining companions to help you with figuring a tip. There are even tip guides you can carry with you.
I remember interviewing a man and his wife on our ministry’s television program. I asked the man, who happened to be a minister, what his weaknesses were. His answer: “You know, I don’t concentrate on them. I am sure I have some, but I couldn’t tell you right now what they are because I just don’t focus on them.” I laughingly replied that I would ask his wife later. I was sure she would know his weaknesses, even if he didn’t. When she joined us later in the broadcast, I promptly popped that question to her. She replied, “To me, my husband is perfect; I don’t focus on his weaknesses. He has so many strengths that I just focus on them and help him be all he can be.”
It didn’t take me long to understand why these two were so happy and upbeat all the time—and why they had such a wonderful marriage. Confident people make it a habit to think and act positively. Therefore, they enjoy life, and they accomplish a lot.
A person without confidence is like an airplane sitting on a runway with empty fuel tanks. The plane has the ability to fly, but without some fuel, it’s not getting off the ground. Confidence is our fuel. Our confidence, our belief that we can succeed, gets us started and helps us finish every challenge we tackle in life. Without confidence, a woman will live in fear and never feel fulfilled.
* * *
Confidence allows us to face life with boldness, openness, and honesty. It enables us to live without worry and to feel safe. It enables us to live authentically.
* * *
Confidence allows us to face life with boldness, openness, and honesty. It enables us to live without worry and to feel safe. It enables us to live authentically. We do
n’t have to pretend to be somebody we’re not, because we are secure in who we are— even if we’re different from those around us. I firmly believe that confidence gives us permission to be different, to be unique. God has created every person in a unique way, yet most people spend their lives trying to be like someone else—and feeling miserable as a result. Trust me on this: God will never help you be some other person. He wants you to be you! You can be sure of this!
People with low confidence, on the other hand, are not sure about anything. They are double-minded, indecisive people who constantly get frustrated with life. If they do make a decision, they are tormented by self-doubt. They second-guess (and third- and fourth-guess) themselves. As a result, they don’t live boldly. They live little, narrow lives, and they miss out on the big, rewarding lives God wants them to enjoy.
You may be aware of some of God’s promises for His people—promises for peace, happiness, blessings, and so on. But did you know that all of God’s promises are for every person?
That’s right—when it comes to fulfilling promises, God does not discriminate. However, He does attach certain conditions to some promises, just as a parent might promise to take a child on an outing as a reward for a good report card.